Friday, August 7, 2009

Monthly Reminder

Donald and I want to have children. And while we know that we will never have enough money to afford to have kids, we still want to be responsible about being able to take care of them. So we say, once Donald has a job, we can have kids.

It would be nice if I really thought it would be that easy. And every month that goes by, I hear a voice in my head saying, "There goes another one!" Hopefully also a monthly reminder that I'm capable of bearing children.

I have been on the pill for over 10 years straight and I have no idea what my body is going to do when I stop. Some of our friends have had children with no trouble. Many more of our friends have had trouble of one kind or another, some eventually successful, and some not. Some have adopted. Some have stopped trying. All of them have struggled, and hopefully all of them will eventually make peace with whatever life throws at them. I will not judge other people's reproductive choices here; I simply want to acknowledge that the ability to conceive, carry to term, and bear children is something that should never be taken for granted.

I'm also acutely aware that many children are not born healthy and I try to prepare myself mentally for that possibility. Donald and I have faith that we can handle whatever we are handed, but knowing that doesn't quiet the voice that says, "What if...". Which makes me all the more determined not to jump into raising a family too quickly, to give us time to prepare for any child that comes into our lives and for the process of making that happen.

So, that's the rational Daphne talking. The irrational Daphne, who tends to burst through at inconvenient times, says "I felt nauseous this morning! I could be pregnant!" and "What if it takes us six years to conceive? We need to get a MOVE ON!" I often feel like my uterus and my brain are having an epic battle, one trying to sway the other, tugging on my emotions and my sanity. I convince myself that I could be pregnant because I was two hours late taking my pill the night before. Or that we could somehow forget that we want to have children and twenty years later we'll suddenly remember. It feels like pure madness and while I make jokes about it, I worry that when we actually are ready, when it actually is possible for me to get pregnant, that I'll pressure myself into sterility.

I've been "baby crazy" for about two years at this point. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows (Ha!), but most of the time, it's a calming feeling, a sense that I know that part of who I am will be in full bloom when I become a mother. I just have to keep my internal organs from fighting it out until that can happen.

Do you have baby fever? Did you have trouble having children?

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