What Is Home?

I have spent so many hours over the last week looking for rental housing in our potential community. It's a college town and has quite a variety to choose from. Donald and I are trying to avoid undergrad-type housing and we have found several good options. I'm going out with him next week to visit and I have appointments with eight different places of varying styles and prices.

This experience has been a bit more energy-sapping than I had anticipated. I am the kind of girl who loves projects like this, creating spreadsheets and lists, and doing lots of online research and making phone calls. Sneaking into all of this, however, are several thoughts that have had me sitting back a bit and thinking about our next steps.

Living with Donald's parents has affected us. As in, going out on our own again is actually a bit scary sounding, even though it's something we really want. I'm having a hard time trusting prospective landlords and property management companies. I'm wondering what elements will really make our new place a good home for us. Do we pay more for some things? Should we be saving all of our money for a down payment on a house?

The plan right now is to rent for a year or two until we learn about the neighborhoods and get a sense of where we want to live, and then look for a house to buy. We have never owned a house before, so this step is huge for us. The place we move in to first might be for only a year, or it might be for longer, so we're trying to find a balance between saving money and having the amenities that we really want.

Laundry in-home, for example (we have gotten used to it). A yard (garden, dog, space). An extra bedroom or two (office, visitors, babies!). Are all of these worth spending more money on? Even if it delays a house purchase?

And that's just housing stuff. Donald and I definitely need to sit down and figure out our budget further. We have our basic expenses figured out (utilities, groceries, etc.) and it has been a long time since our incomes could cover our expenses. That is a wonderful feeling. It's the extra stuff that we're saving for that gets complicated. I'm going to be consulting Get Rich Slowly for a lot of advice as we move forward.

A down payment on a house is pretty easy to figure out, because we want to hit a certain percentage of the sale price and we have a sense of how much money we want to spend on our first house.

Starting a family is a very fluid thing to save for. Do people actually do that? Or do you just decide it's time to have a family and then deal with whatever expenses come along? Obviously, you can always spend more money on kids, but does anyone have a suggestion about a baseline for a first kid budget? Am I crazy thinking that this is something over which we have control?

Travel is a big one. My family lives in California and we want to see them there at least once a year. We're also trying to set up a yearly visit with some friends of ours, and there are always family get togethers that are fun to attend. My best friend is also getting married this year and I'm throwing part of her bachelorette party, so those expenses are included here as well. Donald and I want to visit a dude ranch (remember my need to learn to barrel ride?) and I want to take him to Europe (Scotland and Italy are first on our list).

Creeping into my consciousness are also a lot of mixed feelings now that this seems like it's actually going to happen. We have had a truly wonderful year staying with Donald's parents. I am so grateful to be able to say that. It hasn't always been fun, but we have really made the most of it and it feels so wonderful to have gotten to know each other so much better. It has also been pretty cushy and we have gotten used to a certain level of pampered-ness that will be hard to leave. We have gotten dependent.

It has been so nice to always have someone home, to talk to, to eat with, to sit in the same room with. It will just be the two of us again (and our two cats) and that might be weird to adjust to at first. That's why my So Close post included making new friends - it will be so important so that we get out of the house and don't drive each other crazy (in a bad way).

We have a snowed-in kind of weekend ahead of us, so maybe it will be time to figure some of these things out. As always, your words of advice, support and encouragement mean so much to me. Thank you for reading.

So Close

It is so close.

I can see myself running on new bike trails

I see making new friends

I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise

I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher

I see our cats enjoying new space

I see our belongings unpacked

I see myself uncluttering with joy

I see our new laundry room

I see hanging art on the walls

I see sunshine coming in the windows

I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food

I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy

I see the beginning of our family

I see peaceful space

I see responsible choices and a happy budget

I see traveling

I see hosting visitors

I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks

I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in

I see a functional and comfortable home office

I see photos of family and friends everywhere

I see fresh garden produce from my garden

I see community service and a connection with our new home

I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops

I see continuing to blog and to write and to share

I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love


~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~

Distance and Distantness

Last week, Donald arrived home from his job-away-from-home after a very long week. His parents were going out that night, so I was making dinner and I was excited to cook for my man again. It was going to be a night on our own and we were looking forward to it.

The night crashed and burned.

When Donald pulled into the driveway, I went out to greet him. I stopped partway to the car however, realizing that the dinner I had started was still cooking away on the stove and I needed to go right back inside to tend to it. So instead of enjoying a proper greeting, Donald went to change his clothes and I went back to the kitchen with no contact and only a few words exchanged.

I was focused on preparing the meal (something I hadn't made before), so when Donald came through the kitchen, he didn't stop. He caught up with his dad in another room. I noticed this, and realizing that we hadn't greeted each other, I went into the room and gave him a big sideways hug so as not to interrupt their conversation. Not really satisfying for either of us.

The meal turned out well and we even played footsie under the table as we ate. I was distracted, however, because earlier in the day, I had been brainstorming about how I was worried that our differing choices about how we each spend our free time might mean that we don't have as much in common as I thought we should. I wanted to share my thoughts with Donald and I knew that I should bring it up as soon as I could so that we could figure it out together.

I seriously misjudged. Donald hadn't been home long enough to unwind. I started the conversation in a round-about and indirect way. I didn't couch the situation as something to figure out - Donald heard it as something I had decided, not something for discussion. I was thinking about me and how I need to make sure that I'm spending my time doing things for ME so I don't end up like my mother, yet I wanted to make sure that our interests still overlapped so that we were still spending quality time together.

The entire evening really threw Donald off. I hadn't thought about what I wanted to say, which created a very confused conversation that was potentially very scary. I mean, what do you say to your spouse when they seem to be telling you that you don't have enough in common? I was too wrapped up in my head to see how it came across until the stress hit a high point.

We see-sawed between being argumentative and snuggling in front of the TV (I'm not sure how) and we went to bed with a high level of stress and distance between us. I could tell that Donald was upset and instead of trying to comfort him and reassure him, I gave him space and silence so he could tell me what he was thinking. I was distant, physically and emotionally. That wasn't what he needed.

My "giving him space" came across as though I didn't want to touch him, didn't want to interact with him. This only exacerbated the stress between us. We worked it out that night, in the dark, trying to figure out how our communication could have gone so badly off the rails.

After some reflection, I'm wondering about what has changed. Perhaps the physical distance between us while he is back and forth to his job has created emotional distance? Perhaps I have adopted a more independent mind-set so that while he is gone I am still functional and productive? Perhaps the fact that Donald is working again has thrown off my balance in terms of my role and his expectations?

Even though I understand the circumstances that lead to our tiff, and I think that many of them can be avoided in the future, it's important to me to learn more from this experience than the surface things.

I know that I need to be clearer when I talk to Donald about our relationship, especially when my thoughts are scary. I need to phrase things better so he knows that we're still on the same team and that we will work things out together.

I know that when Donald is upset, he needs comforting and reassurance. Even though his words might say "give me space" he wants a hug and for me to show him that I love him no matter what. This will also get me to stop thinking about myself in that moment and to remember that he needs me.

I know that we're still in a phase of transition and that Donald and I need to keep talking about our expectations and roles in our marriage. I need to balance being independent and remembering that even when he is not physically present, that I am not alone. My walls need to come down, not get reinforced.

I know that spending our free time differently doesn't matter. Right now, we don't have as many opportunities to spend time together, so it seems like we're not doing as much together, but when we're living in our own place again, we will have these opportunities again and I know that we will find a new balance.

I know that in addition to being more aware of Donald's love for me and the ways he shows me that he loves me, I need to do the same for him. This means supporting his interests and learning more about him and what makes him tick. It means showing him that I appreciate what he does for me. I don't have to do everything he likes all the time and he doesn't have to do that for me either. It's about making the effort, like wearing a piece of jewelry he bought you that you haven't worn much, or reminding him that you play video games because he got you to try something new and that he pushes you to be a better person.

Two of the blogs I read gave me some important marriage advice that I wish I had read before I poked Donald at a low energy moment. Kate and Newlywed & Unemployed wrote "How to Motivate a Man" and Corey at Simple Marriage wrote "Marriage Made Easy Before It Begins". I'm sure I'll be sharing more about what I learn about the difficulties (and triumphs) of marriage and I hope you'll join me and share your experiences too.

Blog Awards #2 and #3!

Mindy of The Suburban Life was more than generous when she awarded me not one but two blog awards last week. She has bestowed the Lemonade Award and the Best Blog Award upon me and I only hope that I continue to be worthy of such blog love.

I'm going to shamelessly copy Mindy and bestow both of these awards to the same blogs.

For the Lemonade Award:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post. (check!)
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude. (see below)
- Link the nominees within your post. (check!)
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog. (check!)
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award. (check!)

For the Best Blog Award:
The rules for this award require me to nominate up to 15 blogs to share in my acclaim. (again, see below)

The awardees (in alphabetical order):
(1) booshy - Jessica (not Jess) is funny and open and I think just starting to embark on discovering more about who she is and what she wants to do with her life.
(2) communicatrix - Colleen is diving deep and producing wonderful, raw and honest posts about her journey.
(3) Dreamin' the Life - Karen is new to her journey as a recovering alcoholic and I love how much she shares with her readers about the struggles she encounters along the way.
(4) Ethereal Joy - Joy writes often about her process in becoming more connected to Light and God and she lives on a boat with her two kids.
(5) Joy Discovered - Jodi shares her experiences with love and life with a lovely writing style and I have learned so much from her.
(6) Just My Thoughts - Jill is so open about her exploration of her own life, raising six children, and finding her way to a more peaceful existence.
(7) Confessions of a Young Married Couple - Katie is up for Weblog of the Year and I have loved reading about her journeys through motherhood and marriage.
(8) Newlywed & Unemployed - Kate is one of my biggest supporters on my blog these days and writes wonderfully about her new marriage and her daily life experiences. Her husband, Gary, also contributes some wonderful insights into the male perspective, or as they term it, "mansight".
(9) Thinking Out Loud - Kim was one of my first supporters and she writes such amazing, creative, poignant posts about her experiences and her journey through life.
(10) Wilma's Blog - Wilma and Ann-Marie write thought-provoking and eye-opening posts, incorporating the comments from their readers into following posts, creating a strong sense of community and encouraging personal development as they share their own experiences and listen to those of others.
 
Please visit them and congratulate them on winning their awards! Thanks again to Mindy for her kindness!

I See You

I saw the movie, Avatar, recently. Now, whatever you think about the movie and plot as a whole, and whether you are able to suspend your disbelief about it or not, I can say that it affected me deeply.

I didn't expect anything of the movie except significant visual impact. We saw the 3-D version. It did not disappoint. It was beautiful and breathtaking. What I didn't expect was to feel truly inspired by the lead Na'vi female character, named Neytiri.

She is strong, mentally, physically and emotionally. She is connected with nature and respects and appreciates the animals that are killed for food. She shows compassion. She has grace. She expresses a strong sense of faith and belief. She is respected in her community and she is aware of her peoples' history and memories. She is daring and brave and happy.

Since seeing the movie, I hold her image in my mind, asking myself "What would she do?". This question pushes me to try harder, to complain less, to try new things, to express what I think, to be loyal to my values.

The movie also reinforced my need for more peace in my life. I need to carve out physical space to do yoga, to write, to meditate, to think, somewhere quiet without technology or interruptions. I want to connect more with nature, to heighten my awareness of the beauty around me, even in the dead of winter. I want to improve my connection with memory and ancestors and stories and identity.

The Na'vi greet each other by saying "I see you." Joy wrote about this on her blog recently, too. Susan Scott in Fierce Conversations (p.92) notes this phrase in use by tribes in South Africa who say "sawu bona" (I see you) and respond with "sikhona" (I am here). Scott says "The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist. It's as if, when you see me, it brings me into existence." It emphasizes the need for presentness and connection. I need to remember this, to focus on being present and on seeing people more clearly, to truly listen and connect.