It's Not Enough

The weekend is over. The in-laws have returned. Please return to a dependent state of living and buckle your seat belts.

Our independent weekend was actually quite good. But I had a minor breakdown on Saturday when I realized that I was just pretending. That having a few days alone didn't really mean that we were independent adults. My high crashed hard.

It started to pick away at my happy excitement when I went through recipes to decide what wonderful goodness I was going to bake for dessert. Reading through the recipes on Tasty Kitchen, I felt a creeping sense of melancholy.

And then, while looking through dinner recipes (oh yes, I was going to cook dinner too!), the only things that appealed to me were vegetarian and Donald is decidedly a meat eater. That just made me feel inadequate and un-wifely and grouchy. The dark clouds gathered. Donald came home with his parents' dog and I escaped to take a shower. The hot water and steam hid my tears. Clean, my mind was clear and I finally realized why I was upset. Our weekend was already almost over. It wasn't enough.

As Donald comforted me, hugging me close against his t-shirt clad chest (cotton is so wonderfully soft and absorbent - sorry, love), I was able to explain that I missed my mixer, I missed being fully his wife, I missed having a space of our own. I was grateful that Donald could comfort me without letting my tears increase his sense of failure.

I pulled myself together, made a grocery list, and headed out to run errands. My second time in a grocery store in as many days! I took my time, browsing the shelves, breathing, reveling in the control over what to buy, the comforting sense of making a decision. Indulging in some new pink nail polish. Putting containers of fresh berries and chocolate sauce in the cart, even though they weren't on the list. Spending money on needs and wants.

I came home rejuvenated. I made cookies. I prepared dinner. I handled raw chicken for the first time in many, many years. I took charge of the things I could control and let the rest go. I made the most of my opportunities. I breathed. I didn't let the weekend end sooner than it had to. I painted my toenails.