So it turns out that our major life decisions are not completely up to either one of us. We're both working to take a lot of things on faith, to relax our senses of responsibility and to trust that things will work out happily.
Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.
I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.
You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.
And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.
The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).
Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.
These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.
This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.
To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.
The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.
Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.
It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.
Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.
Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.
Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.
And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.
Because that's how we roll.
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Big Decisions
I recently tweeted that I'm currently in the process of big decision making about starting a family, my career path, buying a house, and getting a dog. Easy, right?
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Leap of Faith
I have been waiting to write this post since I started my blog. I have been waiting to say these words for a year and a half.
Donald has a full-time job.
He accepted the offer this week. He's signing the lease on our new apartment this morning. I gave notice at my current job yesterday. We are moving in mid-March. We are starting our lives again.
I didn't write this post the minute he received his job offer because it was a mixed experience. He was offered a different position from the one he had been doing on contract, which really surprised us. It was like he had lost a job and been offered a job in the same moment, a moment filled with disappointment and confusion rather than joy and relief.
It didn't help that I was home alone and that he was a three-hour drive away. That evening was especially difficult because we were physically apart. It is so hard to make life-changing decisions when you cannot look each other in the eye, when you cannot hold hands, when you cannot give or receive hugs.
Since that difficult moment, however, we have re-rooted ourselves in what is most important. The job is still with the same company. It will further Donald's career. He will still get to work with his amazing coworkers, just not as closely. He still has the chance to get the position he wants next year (it wasn't in the budget this year).
And he HAS A JOB! We can move forward! We can move out of his parents' home and get a dog and have our own lives again.
We weren't exactly going to say "no, thanks".
We are taking a leap of faith. We trust this company to do right by Donald and our family. We trust that our scramble to find housing has resulted in an apartment that will be "good enough". It might even be great. We chose location over space and I think it was the right choice.
Somehow we had gotten it into our heads that this moment, the one we have been waiting for for so long, would be nothing but happiness, relief, and the end of compromises. As I type that, it seems clearly silly. But that's what we expected. And that's why it wasn't obvious right away that this was real, that we really were doing something good. That compromising didn't mean that it wasn't what we should do.
We are SO excited. We are taking our next steps with our eyes open, our hearts forward, and we are leaping feet first into this next adventure.
Won't you come with us?
Donald has a full-time job.
He accepted the offer this week. He's signing the lease on our new apartment this morning. I gave notice at my current job yesterday. We are moving in mid-March. We are starting our lives again.
I didn't write this post the minute he received his job offer because it was a mixed experience. He was offered a different position from the one he had been doing on contract, which really surprised us. It was like he had lost a job and been offered a job in the same moment, a moment filled with disappointment and confusion rather than joy and relief.
It didn't help that I was home alone and that he was a three-hour drive away. That evening was especially difficult because we were physically apart. It is so hard to make life-changing decisions when you cannot look each other in the eye, when you cannot hold hands, when you cannot give or receive hugs.
Since that difficult moment, however, we have re-rooted ourselves in what is most important. The job is still with the same company. It will further Donald's career. He will still get to work with his amazing coworkers, just not as closely. He still has the chance to get the position he wants next year (it wasn't in the budget this year).
And he HAS A JOB! We can move forward! We can move out of his parents' home and get a dog and have our own lives again.
We weren't exactly going to say "no, thanks".
We are taking a leap of faith. We trust this company to do right by Donald and our family. We trust that our scramble to find housing has resulted in an apartment that will be "good enough". It might even be great. We chose location over space and I think it was the right choice.
Somehow we had gotten it into our heads that this moment, the one we have been waiting for for so long, would be nothing but happiness, relief, and the end of compromises. As I type that, it seems clearly silly. But that's what we expected. And that's why it wasn't obvious right away that this was real, that we really were doing something good. That compromising didn't mean that it wasn't what we should do.
We are SO excited. We are taking our next steps with our eyes open, our hearts forward, and we are leaping feet first into this next adventure.
Won't you come with us?
Monday, February 1, 2010
So Close
It is so close.
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
2009 - Year in Review
This year has been filled with activity, difficulties, changes, and growth. I thought it would be nice to reflect here and to share my hopes for 2010.
January brought our decision to move from our apartment to live with Donald's parents. The money was running out and my income alone would not sustain us. Donald had been unemployed and looking for approximately 5 months.
In February, I left a job that was probably the best one I had had so far, yet was not even close to meeting my potential or challenging me to improve. We packed and moved over the course of a week, settling in just before the end of the month. We left good friends behind who were expecting a baby in the first week of March and missed being a part of his homecoming.
March saw us through a lot of adjustments, getting settled in our new space, unpacking some boxes and storing others. I hung out for a couple of weeks and then dove right into job searching for myself. Donald continued his search. We also took the opportunity to visit my family while we both had no obligations.
April came with more job applications and an interview or two. I also increased my involvement in a volunteer organization I work with to meet returning Veterans' needs. Donald tried to keep his head above water. May delivered me a new job, a happy thing and a frustrating thing for Donald because I had found one so quickly. I was happy to see that this job actually connected with some of my values, despite my overqualified status.
In June, my insurance kicked in and I got updated with doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc. I made Donald do it too - I'm a big fan of preventative medicine. I started getting involved in my in-laws' garden, pulling weeds, harvesting anything that had ripened, and getting my hands dirty. I also traveled for work for the first time in my life, an interesting experience. July brought me the pleasure of more gardening. I started expanding my knowledge at work, getting through training and making some good connections with helpful people.
August was the beginning of Donald's communication with the company he's currently working for, the beginning of a very long process that is still ongoing. I started learning more and more about my job and the needs of the Veteran population, gaining motivation and energy from the knowledge that I was contributing to creating solutions. I made a last minute travel decision and helped my sister move to her new job. Most importantly, I started my blog. I began the journey that has had the greatest impact of the year on me.
I was so excited about blogging and getting started that I wrote 28 posts in 27 days in August. My first comment was from Jessica at booshy and I was thrilled. I have no idea how she found me. I wrote about so many different topics, including marriage, depression, cooking and baking, gardening, and what it was like to live with my in-laws. It was the beginning of my journey into personal development, the beginning of my blog as a little more than just an online journal. I think my adventure with my sister is a clear indication that by the end of the month, I was open to change and ready to grow.
In September, I branched out in the blogs I was reading for more inspiration. Some days I would post three times. When I posted about other blogs, linking to them and writing about why they had impacted me, I significantly increased the number of comments on my blog. I immediately recognized the value of community, of sharing, and of spreading helpful information to anyone who read what I had to say.
In October, I reduced the number of posts I wrote and tried to focus on themes and quality, sharing my innermost thoughts in search for comfort, support, and encouragement from my readers. I was not disappointed. When I hit a low point, I had the largest number of commenters I had ever had before.
November and December have been very light posting months for me. I think it's partially because of the holidays, because of my workload picking up, and because I have been making an effort to say less and think/listen more. I am doing more than I am talking about doing, and that feels sublime. I'm also in a somewhat more confident place now that Donald is working. It has given me time to think about other things in my life that can be improved and I am happy letting those evolve slowly.
If I haven't said it clearly before now, the community I have discovered and grown with through my blog has had a very positive impact on me. I have grown more in the past few months than I have in several years. I know that I can depend on my readers for a hug, for support and encouragement, for wise words, a kick in the pants, and perspectives based on many years of experience. I am so grateful for all of you and I am excited to see what the new year brings knowing that I have all of you in my life to help me and cheer me on.
In 2010, I am looking forward to quite a few things:
Happy New Year!
January brought our decision to move from our apartment to live with Donald's parents. The money was running out and my income alone would not sustain us. Donald had been unemployed and looking for approximately 5 months.
In February, I left a job that was probably the best one I had had so far, yet was not even close to meeting my potential or challenging me to improve. We packed and moved over the course of a week, settling in just before the end of the month. We left good friends behind who were expecting a baby in the first week of March and missed being a part of his homecoming.
March saw us through a lot of adjustments, getting settled in our new space, unpacking some boxes and storing others. I hung out for a couple of weeks and then dove right into job searching for myself. Donald continued his search. We also took the opportunity to visit my family while we both had no obligations.
April came with more job applications and an interview or two. I also increased my involvement in a volunteer organization I work with to meet returning Veterans' needs. Donald tried to keep his head above water. May delivered me a new job, a happy thing and a frustrating thing for Donald because I had found one so quickly. I was happy to see that this job actually connected with some of my values, despite my overqualified status.
In June, my insurance kicked in and I got updated with doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc. I made Donald do it too - I'm a big fan of preventative medicine. I started getting involved in my in-laws' garden, pulling weeds, harvesting anything that had ripened, and getting my hands dirty. I also traveled for work for the first time in my life, an interesting experience. July brought me the pleasure of more gardening. I started expanding my knowledge at work, getting through training and making some good connections with helpful people.
August was the beginning of Donald's communication with the company he's currently working for, the beginning of a very long process that is still ongoing. I started learning more and more about my job and the needs of the Veteran population, gaining motivation and energy from the knowledge that I was contributing to creating solutions. I made a last minute travel decision and helped my sister move to her new job. Most importantly, I started my blog. I began the journey that has had the greatest impact of the year on me.
I was so excited about blogging and getting started that I wrote 28 posts in 27 days in August. My first comment was from Jessica at booshy and I was thrilled. I have no idea how she found me. I wrote about so many different topics, including marriage, depression, cooking and baking, gardening, and what it was like to live with my in-laws. It was the beginning of my journey into personal development, the beginning of my blog as a little more than just an online journal. I think my adventure with my sister is a clear indication that by the end of the month, I was open to change and ready to grow.
In September, I branched out in the blogs I was reading for more inspiration. Some days I would post three times. When I posted about other blogs, linking to them and writing about why they had impacted me, I significantly increased the number of comments on my blog. I immediately recognized the value of community, of sharing, and of spreading helpful information to anyone who read what I had to say.
In October, I reduced the number of posts I wrote and tried to focus on themes and quality, sharing my innermost thoughts in search for comfort, support, and encouragement from my readers. I was not disappointed. When I hit a low point, I had the largest number of commenters I had ever had before.
November and December have been very light posting months for me. I think it's partially because of the holidays, because of my workload picking up, and because I have been making an effort to say less and think/listen more. I am doing more than I am talking about doing, and that feels sublime. I'm also in a somewhat more confident place now that Donald is working. It has given me time to think about other things in my life that can be improved and I am happy letting those evolve slowly.
If I haven't said it clearly before now, the community I have discovered and grown with through my blog has had a very positive impact on me. I have grown more in the past few months than I have in several years. I know that I can depend on my readers for a hug, for support and encouragement, for wise words, a kick in the pants, and perspectives based on many years of experience. I am so grateful for all of you and I am excited to see what the new year brings knowing that I have all of you in my life to help me and cheer me on.
In 2010, I am looking forward to quite a few things:
- Improving my relationship with my mom
- Improving my communication with my family and friends
- Moving out of the in-laws' home and into our own, setting up a home
- Adding a dog to our family
- Moving forward on adding children to our family
- Decluttering as I unpack the boxes that have been in storage for almost a year
- Writing in my blog about my experiences and observations, reading the blogs I love
- Doing something just for me at least once a week
- Traveling with Donald before we have a family
- Setting up a clear budget based on our values and priorities
- Starting my own garden
- Cooking and baking and trying new recipes
- Adjusting my job/career to further align with my values and passions, allowing me flexibility and making a contribution
- Standing side by side with Donald and making our marriage flourish
Happy New Year!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Good News
Those who follow me on Twitter know that Donald received good news on Thursday. He has a short-term contract from November to March with the company he has been waiting on.
I am amazed at how much of a difference this has made.
My outlook has changed. I find so much stability knowing that we have a plan until March. I can make plans, like signing up for yoga classes and visiting my family for Christmas. I breathe easier.
A change for me at work has improved my community of support, surrounding me with caring co-workers, little drama, and natural light (I hadn't realized that my previous work environment had been so dreary).
Donald's mood is sky-high, knowing that he will be contributing in so many ways. He starts just after Thanksgiving. I can truly say that I am happy. We have so much to be thankful for.
There are drawbacks, of course. He might not get the full-time position once March rolls around. He has to commute and spend three days a week in the office, so we'll be long-distance part time. We aren't moving anytime soon, so I will come up with a different decluttering timeline.
The benefits, however, far outweigh the costs. We have a wonderful, caring, supportive, and encouraging community to help us through the next few months. I am so grateful to my fellow bloggers who have been with us on this journey thus far. It is far from over. I hope you will continue to follow our adventures.
Thank you for your freely given love and continued support.
I am amazed at how much of a difference this has made.
My outlook has changed. I find so much stability knowing that we have a plan until March. I can make plans, like signing up for yoga classes and visiting my family for Christmas. I breathe easier.
A change for me at work has improved my community of support, surrounding me with caring co-workers, little drama, and natural light (I hadn't realized that my previous work environment had been so dreary).
Donald's mood is sky-high, knowing that he will be contributing in so many ways. He starts just after Thanksgiving. I can truly say that I am happy. We have so much to be thankful for.
There are drawbacks, of course. He might not get the full-time position once March rolls around. He has to commute and spend three days a week in the office, so we'll be long-distance part time. We aren't moving anytime soon, so I will come up with a different decluttering timeline.
The benefits, however, far outweigh the costs. We have a wonderful, caring, supportive, and encouraging community to help us through the next few months. I am so grateful to my fellow bloggers who have been with us on this journey thus far. It is far from over. I hope you will continue to follow our adventures.
Thank you for your freely given love and continued support.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Patience and Waiting
When is it time to stop being patient? When is it time to stand up for ourselves and make different choices instead?
We have been so patient. Donald has been in touch with this company since August. Interviews have been successful. Feedback has been positive. An offer hovers perpetually just out of reach.
The rollercoaster trundles on, through frustration, hope, anger, excitement. We're starting to feel taken for granted, our patience feels abused.
We have been asked to wait a little longer. I'm not sure we should.
There are so many explanations why things have taken as long as they have. I'm not sure they matter.
We are so tired of waiting. Other things have been going wrong lately too. I'm wondering whether the problems we are encountering are a sign that we are on the wrong path.
Is it time to stop waiting? Even if it means a job for Donald in the next few months, should we start down a different road and abandon this one? Is the universe trying to tell us something?
What do we lose by staying the course? What do we risk by giving it up? What might we gain by trying something else? Our futures are riding on these questions.
Do the setbacks tell us that our perseverence will pay off if we just hang on a little longer? Or do they tell us to abandon ship? I'm not sure I know the answer.
Here we come, faith. We need your help.
We have been so patient. Donald has been in touch with this company since August. Interviews have been successful. Feedback has been positive. An offer hovers perpetually just out of reach.
The rollercoaster trundles on, through frustration, hope, anger, excitement. We're starting to feel taken for granted, our patience feels abused.
We have been asked to wait a little longer. I'm not sure we should.
There are so many explanations why things have taken as long as they have. I'm not sure they matter.
We are so tired of waiting. Other things have been going wrong lately too. I'm wondering whether the problems we are encountering are a sign that we are on the wrong path.
Is it time to stop waiting? Even if it means a job for Donald in the next few months, should we start down a different road and abandon this one? Is the universe trying to tell us something?
What do we lose by staying the course? What do we risk by giving it up? What might we gain by trying something else? Our futures are riding on these questions.
Do the setbacks tell us that our perseverence will pay off if we just hang on a little longer? Or do they tell us to abandon ship? I'm not sure I know the answer.
Here we come, faith. We need your help.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finding My Way While Treading Water on a Rollercoaster
Yesterday I found another potential application of my skills, interests, and talent. I was reminded that I had looked into professional organizing several years ago, and had forgotten about it until yesterday.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
How to be Rich and Happy (initial review)
I slept really well last night. I woke up feeling... new.
I started reading a new book yesterday, called How to be Rich and Happy by John P. Strelecky and Tim Brownson. I will be reviewing it and writing about my thoughts over the next week or so (however long it takes me). I am grateful to Lisis at Quest for Balance for suggesting it - she's reviewing it too.
I have only read up to Chapter Five so far (it ends at page 39 of 218) and I am already thinking differently and starting to feel more centered. If you're skeptical of self-help books, I'll also be sharing Donald's perspective (often known as Mr. Skepticism).
One of the most important things I have taken away from the book so far is the motivation to actually put something into action this time. The authors say that they have been guilty of reading self-help books, understanding the principles, and then never putting them into practice. I have definitely done this too. It is time for me to move forward, to try something new, to be willing to fail, and to feel good about the whole process.
What I have read so far has prompted me to think really hard about my values. I have realized how interconnected they are, and also how some of my values are so much more important than others. I can also see now why some negative things bother me more than others.
For example, negativity is something I desperately want to avoid. When my mother-in-law suggests to Donald that perhaps he should stop waiting for news on this job and should apply for other things, I react at a much higher level than I would at most things. I am defensive and protective. I am angry. Even though I understand that she is trying to help him avoid getting hurt, I do not appreciate her efforts. I want to prevent Donald from falling back into the black abyss of depression. I also need her to respect that as a married couple, Donald and I are in charge of our future ourselves, despite the fact that we are somewhat dependent upon his parents right now.
Fierce Conversations and How to be Rich and Happy both advocate the importance of living according to one's values. I feel like I am on the right track. My introduction to this book came at a wonderful time.
Now that I have identified what my core values are, I'm looking forward to reading about the next step.
-----------------------------
While I was writing this post, I nagged Donald about whether he would say something to his mom about not being so negative about his job search. I phrased it badly (I made it about me) and it didn't come across the way I intended. I pushed him away.
As we seem to get closer to having some kind of answer about his state of employment, I can tell that we're both on edge even more than normal. I'm concerned that I have been blind to some signs that he's not doing as well emotionally as I think he is. He hasn't returned calls or followed up on basic household type things lately. I have to trust that he has been moving forward in some way.
I also need to remember that he and I are standing side by side, facing the unknown together, working together to help each other take the next step, whatever that may be. We are not adversaries, we are partners. The only way we move forward is together.
I started reading a new book yesterday, called How to be Rich and Happy by John P. Strelecky and Tim Brownson. I will be reviewing it and writing about my thoughts over the next week or so (however long it takes me). I am grateful to Lisis at Quest for Balance for suggesting it - she's reviewing it too.
I have only read up to Chapter Five so far (it ends at page 39 of 218) and I am already thinking differently and starting to feel more centered. If you're skeptical of self-help books, I'll also be sharing Donald's perspective (often known as Mr. Skepticism).
One of the most important things I have taken away from the book so far is the motivation to actually put something into action this time. The authors say that they have been guilty of reading self-help books, understanding the principles, and then never putting them into practice. I have definitely done this too. It is time for me to move forward, to try something new, to be willing to fail, and to feel good about the whole process.
What I have read so far has prompted me to think really hard about my values. I have realized how interconnected they are, and also how some of my values are so much more important than others. I can also see now why some negative things bother me more than others.
For example, negativity is something I desperately want to avoid. When my mother-in-law suggests to Donald that perhaps he should stop waiting for news on this job and should apply for other things, I react at a much higher level than I would at most things. I am defensive and protective. I am angry. Even though I understand that she is trying to help him avoid getting hurt, I do not appreciate her efforts. I want to prevent Donald from falling back into the black abyss of depression. I also need her to respect that as a married couple, Donald and I are in charge of our future ourselves, despite the fact that we are somewhat dependent upon his parents right now.
Fierce Conversations and How to be Rich and Happy both advocate the importance of living according to one's values. I feel like I am on the right track. My introduction to this book came at a wonderful time.
Now that I have identified what my core values are, I'm looking forward to reading about the next step.
-----------------------------
While I was writing this post, I nagged Donald about whether he would say something to his mom about not being so negative about his job search. I phrased it badly (I made it about me) and it didn't come across the way I intended. I pushed him away.
As we seem to get closer to having some kind of answer about his state of employment, I can tell that we're both on edge even more than normal. I'm concerned that I have been blind to some signs that he's not doing as well emotionally as I think he is. He hasn't returned calls or followed up on basic household type things lately. I have to trust that he has been moving forward in some way.
I also need to remember that he and I are standing side by side, facing the unknown together, working together to help each other take the next step, whatever that may be. We are not adversaries, we are partners. The only way we move forward is together.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Perseverence and Survival
News about Donald's job prospect may be forthcoming today. I prefer not to write anything about it yet, except to say that it is amazing how things may be working out, in an unexpected and possibly very meaningful way.
In the meantime, I wanted to share a story I heard recently. It was on Ken Burns' "The National Parks: America's Best Idea" series aired on PBS about the history of the national parks. One of the parks highlighted is Yellowstone, which includes the story of Truman C. Everts. While traveling with an expedition in 1870, Truman (aged 54) was separated from his party. He managed to survive with no food or tools or shelter for thirty-seven days before he was found, emaciated, injured, and out of his mind. And he recovered. He published his story in Scribner's Monthly in 1871. Lee Whittlesey republished it in 2002.
I sat there with my jaw on the floor. As the narrative described the course of events, the situation got progressively worse as Truman lost his supplies and then was injured several times. I was amazed that he survived at all. You can see the clip about his ordeal here (his story ends at 5:11).
It made me wonder about the kind of determination and resolve that Truman must have had in order to survive such a situation. I wonder whether I could have done/could do the same.
It also reminded me that things could always be worse. It reminded me to be grateful for each and every good thing in my life. I am even inclined to be grateful for the mediocre and mundane things because at least I'm not lost in uncharted wilderness with wild animals, frostbite, and starvation. Ah, perspective.
If Truman could survive under such terrible circumstances for over a month, what in the world could I possibly have to complain about?
To be fair, everyone has their own context. There is always someone worse off than we are. Truman's situation lacked simple physiological basics. Most of us are not in that situation. That doesn't mean that we don't have the right to express discontent or frustration. We have to work from our own perspectives and expectations and each find our own way to be happy.
Truman's story struck me because of his strength and determination. I admire his ability to survive. It gives me strength and determination too. If he could survive that, then I can certainly survive (and thrive in) the challenges that come my way.
What can you do today to move beyond surviving and into thriving?
In the meantime, I wanted to share a story I heard recently. It was on Ken Burns' "The National Parks: America's Best Idea" series aired on PBS about the history of the national parks. One of the parks highlighted is Yellowstone, which includes the story of Truman C. Everts. While traveling with an expedition in 1870, Truman (aged 54) was separated from his party. He managed to survive with no food or tools or shelter for thirty-seven days before he was found, emaciated, injured, and out of his mind. And he recovered. He published his story in Scribner's Monthly in 1871. Lee Whittlesey republished it in 2002.
I sat there with my jaw on the floor. As the narrative described the course of events, the situation got progressively worse as Truman lost his supplies and then was injured several times. I was amazed that he survived at all. You can see the clip about his ordeal here (his story ends at 5:11).
It made me wonder about the kind of determination and resolve that Truman must have had in order to survive such a situation. I wonder whether I could have done/could do the same.
It also reminded me that things could always be worse. It reminded me to be grateful for each and every good thing in my life. I am even inclined to be grateful for the mediocre and mundane things because at least I'm not lost in uncharted wilderness with wild animals, frostbite, and starvation. Ah, perspective.
If Truman could survive under such terrible circumstances for over a month, what in the world could I possibly have to complain about?
To be fair, everyone has their own context. There is always someone worse off than we are. Truman's situation lacked simple physiological basics. Most of us are not in that situation. That doesn't mean that we don't have the right to express discontent or frustration. We have to work from our own perspectives and expectations and each find our own way to be happy.
Truman's story struck me because of his strength and determination. I admire his ability to survive. It gives me strength and determination too. If he could survive that, then I can certainly survive (and thrive in) the challenges that come my way.
What can you do today to move beyond surviving and into thriving?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Breathe
Inhale the good, exhale the bad.
Breathe in to gather the negative things together and breathe out to expel them forever.
Breathe in.
Frustrated drivers honking in traffic.
Breathe out.
Wind blowing through nearby aspen trees.
Breathe in.
People walk by, instantly judged.
Breathe out.
Release internal dialogue. Stand, mind quiet, eyes closed.
Breathe in.
Tummy rumbles, impatient for dinner.
Breathe out.
Shoulders relax down, away from my ears.
Breathe in.
So cold.
Breathe out.
Clouds break, sun warms my back.
Breathe in.
My reflection, met with a frown, analyzing.
Breathe out.
Forgive and embrace me.
Breathe in.
Waiting for job news.
Breathe out.
Determined faith.
Breathe in to gather the negative things together and breathe out to expel them forever.
Breathe in.
Frustrated drivers honking in traffic.
Breathe out.
Wind blowing through nearby aspen trees.
Breathe in.
People walk by, instantly judged.
Breathe out.
Release internal dialogue. Stand, mind quiet, eyes closed.
Breathe in.
Tummy rumbles, impatient for dinner.
Breathe out.
Shoulders relax down, away from my ears.
Breathe in.
So cold.
Breathe out.
Clouds break, sun warms my back.
Breathe in.
My reflection, met with a frown, analyzing.
Breathe out.
Forgive and embrace me.
Breathe in.
Waiting for job news.
Breathe out.
Determined faith.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Pretending Makes it Worse
Pretending that we are independent adults while the in-laws are gone makes the fact that we are not living on our own worse, not better. I watched President Obama's speech on TV last night and some of the things I observed were very discouraging. I feel completely daunted in my desire for people to communicate better.
I am in a foul mood today. I could see the low, dark clouds in the distance for the past few days, and today, it is here. I feel tired. I feel like I might be getting sick. I feel apathy and no motivation. Everything is too hard. It takes all of my energy to be civil. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. And I am tired of waiting.
I'm having a fight with myself. I say, "You're acting like a two-year-old. You have control over some of this. Stand up, be a woman, and take charge of what you can change and let everything else go!" I respond, "Shut up and leave me alone! I get to be grumpy if I want to be! It's too hard! It's not worth it anymore! I just want to go home and crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or until the waiting is over!"
I can almost always see a silver lining, even when things are hard. Today all I see are flaws. There's a hole in my shirt, which means that my wardrobe is falling apart, and we have no money for me to replace my clothing, and getting dressed in the morning is hard enough as it is without having to worry about my choices decreasing. I just found out that there's a meeting in ten minutes that I wasn't invited to and am still expected to attend. I am so bored at work. I don't feel like I have the skills or abilities to make things better. My phone keeps ringing and it is always a wrong number, a mis-dial for a high traffic conference call line; it happens seven times a day on average.
I try to laugh. I would rather cry.
I don't want to live my life this way anymore and I don't know how to fix it. It is really hard not to shove some blame towards Donald, even though I know that it isn't his fault and blaming him doesn't help anything. So I end up angry with myself, a debilitating, why do I even try rage. I have been on a high horse, telling myself that I am better than other people so that I can mask my low self-esteem, telling myself that I can do anything I put my mind to so that I do not despair when I look around and see little success.
I need a hug. And probably a kick in the pants too.
I am in a foul mood today. I could see the low, dark clouds in the distance for the past few days, and today, it is here. I feel tired. I feel like I might be getting sick. I feel apathy and no motivation. Everything is too hard. It takes all of my energy to be civil. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. And I am tired of waiting.
I'm having a fight with myself. I say, "You're acting like a two-year-old. You have control over some of this. Stand up, be a woman, and take charge of what you can change and let everything else go!" I respond, "Shut up and leave me alone! I get to be grumpy if I want to be! It's too hard! It's not worth it anymore! I just want to go home and crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or until the waiting is over!"
I can almost always see a silver lining, even when things are hard. Today all I see are flaws. There's a hole in my shirt, which means that my wardrobe is falling apart, and we have no money for me to replace my clothing, and getting dressed in the morning is hard enough as it is without having to worry about my choices decreasing. I just found out that there's a meeting in ten minutes that I wasn't invited to and am still expected to attend. I am so bored at work. I don't feel like I have the skills or abilities to make things better. My phone keeps ringing and it is always a wrong number, a mis-dial for a high traffic conference call line; it happens seven times a day on average.
I try to laugh. I would rather cry.
I don't want to live my life this way anymore and I don't know how to fix it. It is really hard not to shove some blame towards Donald, even though I know that it isn't his fault and blaming him doesn't help anything. So I end up angry with myself, a debilitating, why do I even try rage. I have been on a high horse, telling myself that I am better than other people so that I can mask my low self-esteem, telling myself that I can do anything I put my mind to so that I do not despair when I look around and see little success.
I need a hug. And probably a kick in the pants too.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Puzzle Pieces
I don't really have a cohesive point in my post today, so I'll share some thoughts and follow-ups from previous posts.
Thank you for the positive feedback on my last post. I, too, have come to the decision that blogging is different from evangelizing (and different from having a conversation). My blog needs to be my outlet for what I am thinking and feeling. It's why I started it and why I enjoy writing. So, onward I go!
Donald and I are on our own again, for nearly an entire week this time! I already made up dinner menus for five nights and Donald is going grocery shopping. I'll have to let you know how the recipes go. Most of them are dishes I have never made before.
I think I'm having a tough time coming up with something to write about this time because I'm somewhat emotionally drained. Donald and I went to a wedding over the weekend. The bride was the daughter of family friends; she and her sister and parents went on trips with Donald and his siblings and parents at least once a year. It was amazing to finally meet them after hearing many of the hilarious stories from their adventures together.
The ceremony was really beautiful. I cried before anyone even processed down the aisle, and continued to weep silently through the whole thing. I seem to be incapable of attending a wedding without getting tears in my eyes. I sit there, hanging on to Donald's hand or arm for dear life, my emotions rising and falling like a small boat on rough waves. The meaningfulness of marriage is overwhelming. I think that our struggles and triumphs in our own marriage give it an even greater impact when I witness a couple taking their first steps into their own adventure.
I feel especially emotional when those in attendance are charged with supporting the newly official couple through their married life. At our ceremony, a dear friend of ours gave the homily and asked us to face our friends and family who had gathered that day. She emphasized the fundamental need for a couple to have a supportive community and made sure that all of those in attendance knew that the survival of our marriage might depend on each and every one of them. The power of community was made clear.
One of the hardest things in marriage is figuring out how to support your spouse through difficult and personal things and, at the same time, how to support your marriage by asking for help. When the issues are especially personal, much like those Donald and I are struggling with now, it can feel like a betrayal to share what is going on with those around you, even with close friends and family. I have reached out through my blog, to people I do not know, people who did not witness the commitment Donald and I made to each other, for support during these difficult times. What prevents me from utilizing all of those wonderful people who were present the day of our wedding?
Do you ever feel like you're always supposed to have a positive face on your marriage in public? Do you feel like asking for help means that you have failed? Does admitting to difficulty have to come with shame?
Why do we hesitate to ask for help from the very people who are most likely to support us unconditionally? Why do we try to have a "perfect" marriage despite knowing that such a thing does not exist? Why do we insist on carrying on as though everything is fine when doing so might actually doom our relationship?
Too many relationships end because of a failure to acknowledge the truth. Frustrations are kept bottled up. The quality of the marriage is not assessed. Children become the ultimate distraction. We stop listening to ourselves. We stop listening to each other.
What would happen if we simply spoke the simple honest truth and trusted that we would still be accepted and supported? What are the costs if we do not?
Thank you for the positive feedback on my last post. I, too, have come to the decision that blogging is different from evangelizing (and different from having a conversation). My blog needs to be my outlet for what I am thinking and feeling. It's why I started it and why I enjoy writing. So, onward I go!
Donald and I are on our own again, for nearly an entire week this time! I already made up dinner menus for five nights and Donald is going grocery shopping. I'll have to let you know how the recipes go. Most of them are dishes I have never made before.
I think I'm having a tough time coming up with something to write about this time because I'm somewhat emotionally drained. Donald and I went to a wedding over the weekend. The bride was the daughter of family friends; she and her sister and parents went on trips with Donald and his siblings and parents at least once a year. It was amazing to finally meet them after hearing many of the hilarious stories from their adventures together.
The ceremony was really beautiful. I cried before anyone even processed down the aisle, and continued to weep silently through the whole thing. I seem to be incapable of attending a wedding without getting tears in my eyes. I sit there, hanging on to Donald's hand or arm for dear life, my emotions rising and falling like a small boat on rough waves. The meaningfulness of marriage is overwhelming. I think that our struggles and triumphs in our own marriage give it an even greater impact when I witness a couple taking their first steps into their own adventure.
I feel especially emotional when those in attendance are charged with supporting the newly official couple through their married life. At our ceremony, a dear friend of ours gave the homily and asked us to face our friends and family who had gathered that day. She emphasized the fundamental need for a couple to have a supportive community and made sure that all of those in attendance knew that the survival of our marriage might depend on each and every one of them. The power of community was made clear.
One of the hardest things in marriage is figuring out how to support your spouse through difficult and personal things and, at the same time, how to support your marriage by asking for help. When the issues are especially personal, much like those Donald and I are struggling with now, it can feel like a betrayal to share what is going on with those around you, even with close friends and family. I have reached out through my blog, to people I do not know, people who did not witness the commitment Donald and I made to each other, for support during these difficult times. What prevents me from utilizing all of those wonderful people who were present the day of our wedding?
Do you ever feel like you're always supposed to have a positive face on your marriage in public? Do you feel like asking for help means that you have failed? Does admitting to difficulty have to come with shame?
Why do we hesitate to ask for help from the very people who are most likely to support us unconditionally? Why do we try to have a "perfect" marriage despite knowing that such a thing does not exist? Why do we insist on carrying on as though everything is fine when doing so might actually doom our relationship?
Too many relationships end because of a failure to acknowledge the truth. Frustrations are kept bottled up. The quality of the marriage is not assessed. Children become the ultimate distraction. We stop listening to ourselves. We stop listening to each other.
What would happen if we simply spoke the simple honest truth and trusted that we would still be accepted and supported? What are the costs if we do not?
Monday, August 24, 2009
A Different Kind of Waiting
Donald had a fantastic interview today. He called me sounding very enthusiastic and excited. He even said that he wants to work for this company for any amount of money. They're actually considering him for a position higher than the one they originally had in mind. It was amazing to hear so much happiness in his voice. I wept tears of joy and relief.
I have written about the painful waiting process when an interview is over. This time I am not dreading it. This time I am calmer. This time they have clearly said that it will take about a month to be able to make an offer because of funding availability. This says to me that they want Donald, but it's about money and not him. This is a much more tolerable reason to wait for more information. I hope my sense of calm endures. I will certainly share when we know more.
Thank you for your supportive messages.
I have written about the painful waiting process when an interview is over. This time I am not dreading it. This time I am calmer. This time they have clearly said that it will take about a month to be able to make an offer because of funding availability. This says to me that they want Donald, but it's about money and not him. This is a much more tolerable reason to wait for more information. I hope my sense of calm endures. I will certainly share when we know more.
Thank you for your supportive messages.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Depression
Donald has been depressed. I'm not sure how long. It came on gradually, as the stress and frustration and rejection piled on.
Before his depression, Donald tended to procrastinate, but always got things done on time and with quality. He performs well under pressure and putting things off certainly didn't hold him back from success and good grades in college and grad school. When something needed to get done around the house, I didn't usually have to ask him more than once or twice as long as he had a sense of when it needed to be completed.
I probably first started to notice that Donald seemed depressed when I'd come home from work and the shades were still drawn and he hadn't gotten dressed or showered and had spent all day playing video games. The first couple of times it didn't bother me. I've certainly had my lazy days and they can be quite enjoyable once in a while. But it started to turn into a pattern. I'd ask him to take care of things and they wouldn't get done. I started to assume that he wasn't even job searching, that he was doing absolutely nothing to make the situation better. I increased my controlling factor by ten. It backfired. I asked for progress reports daily. I felt like I had become a task master or his parent. Not good.
After we moved in with his parents, I relaxed a bit. I knew his parents would provide some level of motivation simply through the fact that there were three of us now who would ask Donald questions, make suggestions, and otherwise expect progress. Some days were good and some were bad. Some days Donald would hole up in the basement (where our office is) and wouldn't come out all day, content to stay in the dark, solitary coolness. I knew that I needed to be his safe place, his sounding board, and I focused on being available to listen rather than demand results.
I mentioned in passing to his parents several times that Donald was depressed. They were slow to accept it. They thought he was just having a string of bad days. They didn't have the benefit of the observations I had made. They eventually accepted it, especially after Donald sat them down and told them. He asked for help. He found a psychologist that he sees almost weekly.
Lately, he has seemed better from day to day. He has pulled himself out of the darkest places where he used to spend a lot of time. He gets responses from job applications at least once a week. People are interested in him. His spirits are up. But his motivation (beyond applying for jobs and following up, which should be applauded) has not returned. Maybe it is because there are no deadlines, there is no structure in his daily life, and maybe it will improve once he returns to regular employment.
His doctor offered to give him a short-term prescription of anti-depressants to help him get through this rough patch. I don't know what kind or what dose or what the side effects might be. He'll be responsible for finding all of that out and deciding whether it's worth a try. He and I normally are hesitant about any medication and anti-depressants have quite the media coverage. But handled correctly, perhaps this is a tool to help Donald regain the last bit of confidence and give him a boost to remember who he is and that he can surmount any challenge before him.
Members of my family have also dealt with depression, and I believe it runs in my family. I have dealt with it before, but was never really diagnosed. I know that dealing with depression might be something we address for the rest of our lives. I just want to be prepared and informed and open. It's too bad it's such a stigmatized condition.
Before his depression, Donald tended to procrastinate, but always got things done on time and with quality. He performs well under pressure and putting things off certainly didn't hold him back from success and good grades in college and grad school. When something needed to get done around the house, I didn't usually have to ask him more than once or twice as long as he had a sense of when it needed to be completed.
I probably first started to notice that Donald seemed depressed when I'd come home from work and the shades were still drawn and he hadn't gotten dressed or showered and had spent all day playing video games. The first couple of times it didn't bother me. I've certainly had my lazy days and they can be quite enjoyable once in a while. But it started to turn into a pattern. I'd ask him to take care of things and they wouldn't get done. I started to assume that he wasn't even job searching, that he was doing absolutely nothing to make the situation better. I increased my controlling factor by ten. It backfired. I asked for progress reports daily. I felt like I had become a task master or his parent. Not good.
After we moved in with his parents, I relaxed a bit. I knew his parents would provide some level of motivation simply through the fact that there were three of us now who would ask Donald questions, make suggestions, and otherwise expect progress. Some days were good and some were bad. Some days Donald would hole up in the basement (where our office is) and wouldn't come out all day, content to stay in the dark, solitary coolness. I knew that I needed to be his safe place, his sounding board, and I focused on being available to listen rather than demand results.
I mentioned in passing to his parents several times that Donald was depressed. They were slow to accept it. They thought he was just having a string of bad days. They didn't have the benefit of the observations I had made. They eventually accepted it, especially after Donald sat them down and told them. He asked for help. He found a psychologist that he sees almost weekly.
Lately, he has seemed better from day to day. He has pulled himself out of the darkest places where he used to spend a lot of time. He gets responses from job applications at least once a week. People are interested in him. His spirits are up. But his motivation (beyond applying for jobs and following up, which should be applauded) has not returned. Maybe it is because there are no deadlines, there is no structure in his daily life, and maybe it will improve once he returns to regular employment.
His doctor offered to give him a short-term prescription of anti-depressants to help him get through this rough patch. I don't know what kind or what dose or what the side effects might be. He'll be responsible for finding all of that out and deciding whether it's worth a try. He and I normally are hesitant about any medication and anti-depressants have quite the media coverage. But handled correctly, perhaps this is a tool to help Donald regain the last bit of confidence and give him a boost to remember who he is and that he can surmount any challenge before him.
Members of my family have also dealt with depression, and I believe it runs in my family. I have dealt with it before, but was never really diagnosed. I know that dealing with depression might be something we address for the rest of our lives. I just want to be prepared and informed and open. It's too bad it's such a stigmatized condition.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Being A Wife
What does it mean to be a wife? What roles does a wife fill? What are the expectations and where do they come from? Am I meeting these roles and expectations?
These questions have been percolating at the back of my mind ever since Donald and I got married, and have been pushing to the front more recently because of our current situation.
My mother told me that when she got married she had no idea how to be a wife or what that meant. She carried the image of her own mother in her head: in the kitchen, bearing children, hostessing, and staying in the background. My mother assumed that getting married would turn her into whatever being a wife was supposed to be. I don't think she and my dad ever talked about his expectations of her, or her expectations of herself in this role. My parents separated after 30+ years of marriage and are still working things out. For obvious reasons, I don't want to wait to ask these important questions.
Donald and I mused about these questions last night before bed. I explained that my sense of being his wife had two parts - being his partner and performing certain tasks. As his partner, I am his best friend, a listener, a motivator, his soul mate. I know that our current situation has pushed me to focus on this part of my role as Donald's wife and we agree that I am meeting our expectations here.
The part I worry about is the tasks. These include cooking, doing laundry, buying groceries, running errands, being a hostess, setting up a house, cleaning, and being a mother to our children. With our current living arrangements, I don't cook him dinner - his mother does. I do the laundry and clean our own space, but I don't buy groceries or run many errands. There is no one to host and no house to set up. We're not ready to have children yet. What makes me his wife when we're living with his parents? Are we still married first and our parents' children second?
If any of you are making the assumption that I believe that all women belong in the "chained to the stove, pregnant and barefoot" category, please take a deep breath. I am a feminist (varied definitions for this term abound) and I believe that women should decide for themselves what it means to be a woman, a wife, a mother. I have actually surprised myself in my desire to fill what look like old-fashioned gender roles in my marriage to Donald. I have discovered, though, that the most important things are not what I spend my time doing, but how my relationship with Donald evolves, that we are on equal footing and that we communicate.
In fact, Donald reminded me that even though I'm not cooking him dinner, I have shifted my role to breadwinner and health insurance provider. I have adjusted to meet a need. I have given Donald the freedom to spend time job searching. I have given myself further career opportunities and a growing bank account. I have also taken the opportunity to learn more about myself and how I can express the things that matter to me in any context.
Donald loves The West Wing. I'm the Leo to Donald's Bartlett. They are powerful partners and make a great team, and they operate in different ways, in different contexts. It makes for a very balanced power setup and plays to their individual strengths. They are honest with each other and provide a swift kick in the pants when it's needed. Their underlying friendship and trust gets them through the rough times. I'm flattered by the comparison.
I can finally see that I am meeting my own expectations of being Donald's wife and that I'm also meeting his expectations. It doesn't matter that I'm not cooking dinner. It really comes down to whether I am being fully myself, not trying to fit myself into an abstract image of "wife". The only way I can be the best partner to Donald is to be the best partner to myself.
These questions have been percolating at the back of my mind ever since Donald and I got married, and have been pushing to the front more recently because of our current situation.
My mother told me that when she got married she had no idea how to be a wife or what that meant. She carried the image of her own mother in her head: in the kitchen, bearing children, hostessing, and staying in the background. My mother assumed that getting married would turn her into whatever being a wife was supposed to be. I don't think she and my dad ever talked about his expectations of her, or her expectations of herself in this role. My parents separated after 30+ years of marriage and are still working things out. For obvious reasons, I don't want to wait to ask these important questions.
Donald and I mused about these questions last night before bed. I explained that my sense of being his wife had two parts - being his partner and performing certain tasks. As his partner, I am his best friend, a listener, a motivator, his soul mate. I know that our current situation has pushed me to focus on this part of my role as Donald's wife and we agree that I am meeting our expectations here.
The part I worry about is the tasks. These include cooking, doing laundry, buying groceries, running errands, being a hostess, setting up a house, cleaning, and being a mother to our children. With our current living arrangements, I don't cook him dinner - his mother does. I do the laundry and clean our own space, but I don't buy groceries or run many errands. There is no one to host and no house to set up. We're not ready to have children yet. What makes me his wife when we're living with his parents? Are we still married first and our parents' children second?
If any of you are making the assumption that I believe that all women belong in the "chained to the stove, pregnant and barefoot" category, please take a deep breath. I am a feminist (varied definitions for this term abound) and I believe that women should decide for themselves what it means to be a woman, a wife, a mother. I have actually surprised myself in my desire to fill what look like old-fashioned gender roles in my marriage to Donald. I have discovered, though, that the most important things are not what I spend my time doing, but how my relationship with Donald evolves, that we are on equal footing and that we communicate.
In fact, Donald reminded me that even though I'm not cooking him dinner, I have shifted my role to breadwinner and health insurance provider. I have adjusted to meet a need. I have given Donald the freedom to spend time job searching. I have given myself further career opportunities and a growing bank account. I have also taken the opportunity to learn more about myself and how I can express the things that matter to me in any context.
Donald loves The West Wing. I'm the Leo to Donald's Bartlett. They are powerful partners and make a great team, and they operate in different ways, in different contexts. It makes for a very balanced power setup and plays to their individual strengths. They are honest with each other and provide a swift kick in the pants when it's needed. Their underlying friendship and trust gets them through the rough times. I'm flattered by the comparison.
I can finally see that I am meeting my own expectations of being Donald's wife and that I'm also meeting his expectations. It doesn't matter that I'm not cooking dinner. It really comes down to whether I am being fully myself, not trying to fit myself into an abstract image of "wife". The only way I can be the best partner to Donald is to be the best partner to myself.
Monday, August 17, 2009
It's Not Enough
The weekend is over. The in-laws have returned. Please return to a dependent state of living and buckle your seat belts.
Our independent weekend was actually quite good. But I had a minor breakdown on Saturday when I realized that I was just pretending. That having a few days alone didn't really mean that we were independent adults. My high crashed hard.
It started to pick away at my happy excitement when I went through recipes to decide what wonderful goodness I was going to bake for dessert. Reading through the recipes on Tasty Kitchen, I felt a creeping sense of melancholy.
And then, while looking through dinner recipes (oh yes, I was going to cook dinner too!), the only things that appealed to me were vegetarian and Donald is decidedly a meat eater. That just made me feel inadequate and un-wifely and grouchy. The dark clouds gathered. Donald came home with his parents' dog and I escaped to take a shower. The hot water and steam hid my tears. Clean, my mind was clear and I finally realized why I was upset. Our weekend was already almost over. It wasn't enough.
As Donald comforted me, hugging me close against his t-shirt clad chest (cotton is so wonderfully soft and absorbent - sorry, love), I was able to explain that I missed my mixer, I missed being fully his wife, I missed having a space of our own. I was grateful that Donald could comfort me without letting my tears increase his sense of failure.
I pulled myself together, made a grocery list, and headed out to run errands. My second time in a grocery store in as many days! I took my time, browsing the shelves, breathing, reveling in the control over what to buy, the comforting sense of making a decision. Indulging in some new pink nail polish. Putting containers of fresh berries and chocolate sauce in the cart, even though they weren't on the list. Spending money on needs and wants.
I came home rejuvenated. I made cookies. I prepared dinner. I handled raw chicken for the first time in many, many years. I took charge of the things I could control and let the rest go. I made the most of my opportunities. I breathed. I didn't let the weekend end sooner than it had to. I painted my toenails.
Our independent weekend was actually quite good. But I had a minor breakdown on Saturday when I realized that I was just pretending. That having a few days alone didn't really mean that we were independent adults. My high crashed hard.
It started to pick away at my happy excitement when I went through recipes to decide what wonderful goodness I was going to bake for dessert. Reading through the recipes on Tasty Kitchen, I felt a creeping sense of melancholy.
And then, while looking through dinner recipes (oh yes, I was going to cook dinner too!), the only things that appealed to me were vegetarian and Donald is decidedly a meat eater. That just made me feel inadequate and un-wifely and grouchy. The dark clouds gathered. Donald came home with his parents' dog and I escaped to take a shower. The hot water and steam hid my tears. Clean, my mind was clear and I finally realized why I was upset. Our weekend was already almost over. It wasn't enough.
As Donald comforted me, hugging me close against his t-shirt clad chest (cotton is so wonderfully soft and absorbent - sorry, love), I was able to explain that I missed my mixer, I missed being fully his wife, I missed having a space of our own. I was grateful that Donald could comfort me without letting my tears increase his sense of failure.
I pulled myself together, made a grocery list, and headed out to run errands. My second time in a grocery store in as many days! I took my time, browsing the shelves, breathing, reveling in the control over what to buy, the comforting sense of making a decision. Indulging in some new pink nail polish. Putting containers of fresh berries and chocolate sauce in the cart, even though they weren't on the list. Spending money on needs and wants.
I came home rejuvenated. I made cookies. I prepared dinner. I handled raw chicken for the first time in many, many years. I took charge of the things I could control and let the rest go. I made the most of my opportunities. I breathed. I didn't let the weekend end sooner than it had to. I painted my toenails.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Recession Blog
Just a quick post to mention the blog I most recently started following. It's called Recession-Fabulous and is a shared blog with several writers contributing (in addition to maintaining their own individual blogs). The content includes discussions about clothing, school supplies, food, and entertainment. The writing is clever and witty, and seems to find a balance between being realistic and supportive at the same time.
I'll be watching this one from now on.
I'll be watching this one from now on.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Marriage and Unemployment
I have been doing some research to see how other people are dealing with the recession, especially other married couples. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal speaks directly to the impact the recession has had on marriages. Elizabeth Bernstein's article notes that young couples who are partially or fully unemployed are experiencing what retired couples face. More time together, a change in routine, an increased reliance on each other.
I also came across The 405 Club, which is running a series called "Living With The Recession". I also liked Garrett Dale's article this morning about his unemployed routine.
If you've recently been followed by me on Twitter, it's probably because you mentioned recently that you're unemployed and you're trying to figure out how to stay positive or how to adjust to this new circumstance. I'd love for my blog to become a resource for you or that it will give you some positive support. For example, I found Cindy Burns on Twitter yesterday, who was asking for tips on how to stay positive while being unemployed. While I'm no expert, I do believe that a community of people with a shared experience and different perspectives can be a source of strength and support.
How do you get through the day? Has your marriage been changed because of unemployment? What resources do you rely on for support?
I also came across The 405 Club, which is running a series called "Living With The Recession". I also liked Garrett Dale's article this morning about his unemployed routine.
If you've recently been followed by me on Twitter, it's probably because you mentioned recently that you're unemployed and you're trying to figure out how to stay positive or how to adjust to this new circumstance. I'd love for my blog to become a resource for you or that it will give you some positive support. For example, I found Cindy Burns on Twitter yesterday, who was asking for tips on how to stay positive while being unemployed. While I'm no expert, I do believe that a community of people with a shared experience and different perspectives can be a source of strength and support.
How do you get through the day? Has your marriage been changed because of unemployment? What resources do you rely on for support?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Grant Me Strength
Donald has an in-person interview next week.
You'd think that would simply be a happy thing, but it's so much more complicated than that. Donald has had a lot of interviews, by phone and in-person. We don't get excited about the phone interviews anymore, but the in-person ones are promising enough that it's hard to resist the temptation to hope. Over the last year, Donald has probably had about five in-person interviews, and each time, they have said no.
The worst part is after the interview is over, even worse than hearing "no". All we can do is wait. Each day, Donald waits for the phone to ring. He hopes he doesn't get an email, since those usually say "No, thanks." We protect ourselves by assuming that it will be at least two weeks before they make a decision, before we know anything more. Those two weeks crawl by so slowly. Our nerves get frazzled and we get snappy at each other.
Sometimes we dare to get excited. The in-person interview goes well, it's only a matter of time, so we start researching the area, looking at apartments, what the town/city is like, where the good neighborhoods are, what our next favorite restaurant might be. We look forward to the future. We start dreaming and hoping. The truth dashes it all to pieces and we go back into protective mode.
I don't know whether it's better to have those few days of pure joy and hope or whether it is better not to have them at all. About a month ago, Donald had a very promising interview and we got excited and carried away. We were looking at dog breeds and talking about what kind we'd like to adopt. Donald said that I could go off the pill if he landed this job. He was the happiest I have seen him in the past year, a true departure from his depression. Suddenly he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I cherished and fiercely protected his good spirits. When his mother tried to inject some reality/negativity about the fact that he might not get the job, he instantly lost the hope and started saying "I didn't get it." While they were both eventually right, I resented his mother's undermining of his happiness, even thought I understood her intentions. He was devastated by the news either way. Did getting excited make it worse?
I think it makes it worse for me. I start to peek over the wall I have constructed between where we are now and where we want to be. I start to imagine what it's like over there, where we'll live, what our kids will be like, what our life will be like, what Donald will be like when he feels a sense of purpose again. It's harder for me to be a rock for Donald when I'm also hurting, feeling the wall go back up and saying goodbye to those dreams once again, putting it all away for someday.
The hurt is worth it though, when I see Donald happy and excited, and looking forward instead of backwards. I'll do anything to make that happen because I know that his happiness is inseparable from mine.
How do you handle disappointment? What do you do to stay strong for the people who need you?
You'd think that would simply be a happy thing, but it's so much more complicated than that. Donald has had a lot of interviews, by phone and in-person. We don't get excited about the phone interviews anymore, but the in-person ones are promising enough that it's hard to resist the temptation to hope. Over the last year, Donald has probably had about five in-person interviews, and each time, they have said no.
The worst part is after the interview is over, even worse than hearing "no". All we can do is wait. Each day, Donald waits for the phone to ring. He hopes he doesn't get an email, since those usually say "No, thanks." We protect ourselves by assuming that it will be at least two weeks before they make a decision, before we know anything more. Those two weeks crawl by so slowly. Our nerves get frazzled and we get snappy at each other.
Sometimes we dare to get excited. The in-person interview goes well, it's only a matter of time, so we start researching the area, looking at apartments, what the town/city is like, where the good neighborhoods are, what our next favorite restaurant might be. We look forward to the future. We start dreaming and hoping. The truth dashes it all to pieces and we go back into protective mode.
I don't know whether it's better to have those few days of pure joy and hope or whether it is better not to have them at all. About a month ago, Donald had a very promising interview and we got excited and carried away. We were looking at dog breeds and talking about what kind we'd like to adopt. Donald said that I could go off the pill if he landed this job. He was the happiest I have seen him in the past year, a true departure from his depression. Suddenly he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I cherished and fiercely protected his good spirits. When his mother tried to inject some reality/negativity about the fact that he might not get the job, he instantly lost the hope and started saying "I didn't get it." While they were both eventually right, I resented his mother's undermining of his happiness, even thought I understood her intentions. He was devastated by the news either way. Did getting excited make it worse?
I think it makes it worse for me. I start to peek over the wall I have constructed between where we are now and where we want to be. I start to imagine what it's like over there, where we'll live, what our kids will be like, what our life will be like, what Donald will be like when he feels a sense of purpose again. It's harder for me to be a rock for Donald when I'm also hurting, feeling the wall go back up and saying goodbye to those dreams once again, putting it all away for someday.
The hurt is worth it though, when I see Donald happy and excited, and looking forward instead of backwards. I'll do anything to make that happen because I know that his happiness is inseparable from mine.
How do you handle disappointment? What do you do to stay strong for the people who need you?
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