Dear Readers,
Thank you so much for returning to my blog after my long absence. I have some very happy updates to share with all of you.
I landed my dream job working for the nonprofit I've been volunteering with for three years connecting Veterans and their families to free mental health professionals. They called me on my birthday (Veteran's Day) and offered me a job. I started with them on January 3 and I'm working from home. I am SO happy. I'm working on a new initiative that is basically community organizing around Veterans and their families. It's such a wonderful project and I'm thrilled to be a part of it.
Life is good here in Pennsylvania. Our dog and two cats are doing well. We're still living in an apartment, but we're seeking our first home, which is very exciting. My husband is enjoying his job and making the most of his opportunities at his company. We're still on the road to starting a family.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in September, so I've been on thyroid medication to sort that out, which seems to be working well. I actually have to make sure that I eat extra calories to maintain my weight - a fate many would love to have!
I've been seeing a counselor to help me with my depression. The thyroid situation contributed to my down days, so now they are less frequent. Donald has been so supportive and understanding and I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm still doing yoga and I started taking Western horseback riding lessons, which make me so happy. It's like my soul is lighter and freer.
Everything is truly falling into place. Thank you for continuing along this journey with me.
Truly,
Daphne
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thursday, June 10, 2010
My Marriage Comes First
So it turns out that our major life decisions are not completely up to either one of us. We're both working to take a lot of things on faith, to relax our senses of responsibility and to trust that things will work out happily.
Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.
I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.
You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.
And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.
The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).
Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.
These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.
This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.
To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.
The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.
Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.
It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.
Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.
Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.
Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.
And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.
Because that's how we roll.
Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.
I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.
You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.
And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.
The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).
Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.
These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.
This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.
To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.
The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.
Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.
It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.
Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.
Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.
Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.
And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.
Because that's how we roll.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Heart Centered
No decisions have yet been made about these huge life changes I am contemplating. One of the reasons for that is that Donald, in his youthful wisdom, has understood the gravity of these decisions for me and has given them to me to contemplate and decide for myself before we make a final decision together.
He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.
Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.
I am transported.
I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.
I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.
When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.
He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.
Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.
I am transported.
I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.
I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.
When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Big Decisions
I recently tweeted that I'm currently in the process of big decision making about starting a family, my career path, buying a house, and getting a dog. Easy, right?
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Housewifery
I have spent the last several weeks setting up our new home, which has been surprisingly enjoyable. I think I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I finally feel like this is my opportunity to be truly housewifey.
When Donald gets home at the end of each day, I try to make sure that the apartment is in good order and that evidence of my progress is clearly apparent to show him that I have been nice and productive. I follow him upstairs to hear about his day as he changes his clothes. I make an appetizer and get drinks and we retire to the living room or back patio to sit and talk until it's time for dinner.
Then I return to the kitchen where I have prepared some parts of dinner ahead of time, have all of the ingredients I need, and a full meal plan figured out. I make dinner while he relaxes and then we eat a yummy, healthy dinner that always looks and tastes good. After dinner, we clean up the dishes, sometimes have dessert, and lounge in front of the TV or chat until it's time for bed.
Is anyone else gagging and rolling their eyes besides me?
Ok, to be fair, this is kind of what I've been doing. It's a little frightening, especially to the screaming, bra-burning feminist I have trapped inside this 1950s wifely persona. And while I'm proud of myself for being a "good wife" I'm also starting to realize that this cannot continue.
I need ME time.
I went shopping earlier this week, for example, for three hours, to get some summery clothes since most of mine got decluttered when I went through my closet. I had a budget and there was a need and I was actually really successful. And I felt guilty for spending that time and money on just me. Seriously.
At that point, and after realizing that my tendency when Donald came home was to dote on him from the moment he came in the door to the moment we turned out the light to go to sleep, I knew that something needed to change. And keep in mind that Donald in no way requested that this be the way I operate. He has been wonderfully appreciative, but I think he was also starting to wonder where his independently-minded spouse had disappeared to.
So last night we chatted about my various roles, as wife, homemaker, and independent self. I have been having trouble feeling efficient since we moved here and I needed to have more structure to my days, so it made sense to list out my roles and the tasks that go with each and then construct my weekly schedule to accommodate all of them in a balanced manner.
(I also have to say, for someone who has never lived in a house with stairs, now that we have three floors, I have had a really hard time feeling efficient when what I need is always a floor up or down from where I am. How do you handle this? It seems so far away! I'm spending all of my time going up and down stairs instead of accomplishing something!)
This morning, I got up and made a list. One section was called "housewife" and the other section, for lack of a better word, was "me" (I don't have multiple personalities, really). Here's how it broke down:
Housewife:
- Cooking (meal planning, groceries)
- Cleaning
- Laundry
- Clutter control, filing, organizing, troubleshooting
- Errands and online shopping
- Pet care
- Activity planning for evenings and weekends
- Home care (decorating, budgeting, paying bills, recycling, getting mail, etc.)
Me:
- Exercise routine (yoga, walks, cardio)
- Blogging
- Reading and writing
- Communicating, staying in touch, phone calls, Facebook, cards and gifts
- Career planning/networking
- Projects (scrapbooking, photo albums)
- Relaxing, playing games, puzzles, TV and movies
- Crocheting and knitting
- Personal care, health research
Then I opened up Outlook and starting with next week, put most of these items on the calendar, picking certain days for weekly activities (Tuesday is laundry day) and carving out special time for "me" activities like blogging and exercising. This way, there won't be any guilt, I'll have reminders about what I should be working on, and my productivity and satisfaction levels should go up because I will know that I'm making progress.
It also helps me identify how much time in a day I really have for things like volunteering so I know how committed I can be with new activities without compromising the things I'm already doing. It does get me wondering how I ever did anything useful when I was working full-time. Hopefully my plans to work from home will help me maintain some flexibility and will also be rewarding in its own right.
I have gotten distracted from the point of my post (clearly, showing all of you how OCD I am was necessary). This experience has shown me how easy it can be for me to put everyone else ahead of myself and how important it is for me to actually schedule time just for me in order for me to feel that I have permission to take a half hour to give myself a pedicure instead of detail cleaning the baseboards. This will be especially important as we move forward on having a family, and the better habits I can create now, the more likely it is that I'll continue them when we have another mouth to feed.
That's how it works, right?
How do you balance being an individual and being a wife or husband and/or mom or dad? How do you make time for you?
When Donald gets home at the end of each day, I try to make sure that the apartment is in good order and that evidence of my progress is clearly apparent to show him that I have been nice and productive. I follow him upstairs to hear about his day as he changes his clothes. I make an appetizer and get drinks and we retire to the living room or back patio to sit and talk until it's time for dinner.
Then I return to the kitchen where I have prepared some parts of dinner ahead of time, have all of the ingredients I need, and a full meal plan figured out. I make dinner while he relaxes and then we eat a yummy, healthy dinner that always looks and tastes good. After dinner, we clean up the dishes, sometimes have dessert, and lounge in front of the TV or chat until it's time for bed.
Is anyone else gagging and rolling their eyes besides me?
Ok, to be fair, this is kind of what I've been doing. It's a little frightening, especially to the screaming, bra-burning feminist I have trapped inside this 1950s wifely persona. And while I'm proud of myself for being a "good wife" I'm also starting to realize that this cannot continue.
I need ME time.
I went shopping earlier this week, for example, for three hours, to get some summery clothes since most of mine got decluttered when I went through my closet. I had a budget and there was a need and I was actually really successful. And I felt guilty for spending that time and money on just me. Seriously.
At that point, and after realizing that my tendency when Donald came home was to dote on him from the moment he came in the door to the moment we turned out the light to go to sleep, I knew that something needed to change. And keep in mind that Donald in no way requested that this be the way I operate. He has been wonderfully appreciative, but I think he was also starting to wonder where his independently-minded spouse had disappeared to.
So last night we chatted about my various roles, as wife, homemaker, and independent self. I have been having trouble feeling efficient since we moved here and I needed to have more structure to my days, so it made sense to list out my roles and the tasks that go with each and then construct my weekly schedule to accommodate all of them in a balanced manner.
(I also have to say, for someone who has never lived in a house with stairs, now that we have three floors, I have had a really hard time feeling efficient when what I need is always a floor up or down from where I am. How do you handle this? It seems so far away! I'm spending all of my time going up and down stairs instead of accomplishing something!)
This morning, I got up and made a list. One section was called "housewife" and the other section, for lack of a better word, was "me" (I don't have multiple personalities, really). Here's how it broke down:
Housewife:
- Cooking (meal planning, groceries)
- Cleaning
- Laundry
- Clutter control, filing, organizing, troubleshooting
- Errands and online shopping
- Pet care
- Activity planning for evenings and weekends
- Home care (decorating, budgeting, paying bills, recycling, getting mail, etc.)
Me:
- Exercise routine (yoga, walks, cardio)
- Blogging
- Reading and writing
- Communicating, staying in touch, phone calls, Facebook, cards and gifts
- Career planning/networking
- Projects (scrapbooking, photo albums)
- Relaxing, playing games, puzzles, TV and movies
- Crocheting and knitting
- Personal care, health research
Then I opened up Outlook and starting with next week, put most of these items on the calendar, picking certain days for weekly activities (Tuesday is laundry day) and carving out special time for "me" activities like blogging and exercising. This way, there won't be any guilt, I'll have reminders about what I should be working on, and my productivity and satisfaction levels should go up because I will know that I'm making progress.
It also helps me identify how much time in a day I really have for things like volunteering so I know how committed I can be with new activities without compromising the things I'm already doing. It does get me wondering how I ever did anything useful when I was working full-time. Hopefully my plans to work from home will help me maintain some flexibility and will also be rewarding in its own right.
I have gotten distracted from the point of my post (clearly, showing all of you how OCD I am was necessary). This experience has shown me how easy it can be for me to put everyone else ahead of myself and how important it is for me to actually schedule time just for me in order for me to feel that I have permission to take a half hour to give myself a pedicure instead of detail cleaning the baseboards. This will be especially important as we move forward on having a family, and the better habits I can create now, the more likely it is that I'll continue them when we have another mouth to feed.
That's how it works, right?
How do you balance being an individual and being a wife or husband and/or mom or dad? How do you make time for you?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow Day
More like snow week. For those of you not following national weather news, the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast states are being walloped by the second snow storm in a week. It has been quite the adventure, with the university that employs me being closed for three days in a row. It's practically unheard of. For those of you in this area with me, please be careful and stay warm and safe.
You might have noticed that I have been absent from blogs, mine included, for the past week. Part of that is due to the fact that I headed home early last Friday because of the first impending storm. That night, the power went out and stayed out for over 24 hours. We had to bring our cats over to the house so they didn't freeze, which was huge because my mother in law is allergic.
It actually worked out really well and Donald and I spent the night in the basement with the cats in front of the fireplace, quite warm and romantic if you ask me. The power came back on at 4 am Sunday morning, but the phones and internet were down until yesterday. So all I had was my iPhone, and I wasn't about to try blogging from there. I know it's possible, but it's not conducive to the way I write.
Work was cancelled on Monday. And Tuesday. We left home for Donald's job away from home on Tuesday morning after getting some files from my office so I could do work from there. The roads were so bad in the city that it took us an hour just to get to my office. Once we got out of the city and were headed to our final destination, though, the roads were beautiful and clear, so it made for a very nice drive. I actually drove, which put a lot more experience in my belt for driving in the snow. Remember, I grew up in California, where we never had a snow day. Donald thinks this is a tragedy of my upbringing.
Since we arrived, I've been rescheduling housing appointments to avoid the second storm, and sneaking out between to see some places early. So far, it's going really well and I am pleased with our options. I have more appointments through Saturday, so we'll see what happens. Ideally, we'll be able to make a decision early next week and then I really will be "all systems GO" for this move.
So that's the factual version. The more emotional version is that all of this mayhem and confusion has been a really wonderful opportunity and reminder for us to see what is most important as we plan for our upcoming transition. I have felt more competent and responsible in the last week than I have in a long time. We had no problem handling the power outage. We shoveled snow and salted. We cared for our cats and made sure that the pipes didn't freeze.
We were reminded of what is most important. Without power and internet and cable, we had few distractions. We sat together by the fireplace and played board games. We did puzzles. We read books and did crafts and talked. It was like we had gone back in time. It was so nice to slow down and relax and reconnect. We have been slower here and more relaxed and more attuned to spending our time on the most important things rather than the infinite distractions around us.
Even though the storms have been branded dangerous and a mega inconvenience, I am grateful for them. I am grateful that it has given us the opportunity to shift our priorities to the important things. I am grateful that it has given me time away from work to focus on our upcoming transition. And I am grateful that it has pushed me over the fear of being on our own again. If I can drive in snow, baby, I can do anything.
You might have noticed that I have been absent from blogs, mine included, for the past week. Part of that is due to the fact that I headed home early last Friday because of the first impending storm. That night, the power went out and stayed out for over 24 hours. We had to bring our cats over to the house so they didn't freeze, which was huge because my mother in law is allergic.
It actually worked out really well and Donald and I spent the night in the basement with the cats in front of the fireplace, quite warm and romantic if you ask me. The power came back on at 4 am Sunday morning, but the phones and internet were down until yesterday. So all I had was my iPhone, and I wasn't about to try blogging from there. I know it's possible, but it's not conducive to the way I write.
Work was cancelled on Monday. And Tuesday. We left home for Donald's job away from home on Tuesday morning after getting some files from my office so I could do work from there. The roads were so bad in the city that it took us an hour just to get to my office. Once we got out of the city and were headed to our final destination, though, the roads were beautiful and clear, so it made for a very nice drive. I actually drove, which put a lot more experience in my belt for driving in the snow. Remember, I grew up in California, where we never had a snow day. Donald thinks this is a tragedy of my upbringing.
Since we arrived, I've been rescheduling housing appointments to avoid the second storm, and sneaking out between to see some places early. So far, it's going really well and I am pleased with our options. I have more appointments through Saturday, so we'll see what happens. Ideally, we'll be able to make a decision early next week and then I really will be "all systems GO" for this move.
So that's the factual version. The more emotional version is that all of this mayhem and confusion has been a really wonderful opportunity and reminder for us to see what is most important as we plan for our upcoming transition. I have felt more competent and responsible in the last week than I have in a long time. We had no problem handling the power outage. We shoveled snow and salted. We cared for our cats and made sure that the pipes didn't freeze.
We were reminded of what is most important. Without power and internet and cable, we had few distractions. We sat together by the fireplace and played board games. We did puzzles. We read books and did crafts and talked. It was like we had gone back in time. It was so nice to slow down and relax and reconnect. We have been slower here and more relaxed and more attuned to spending our time on the most important things rather than the infinite distractions around us.
Even though the storms have been branded dangerous and a mega inconvenience, I am grateful for them. I am grateful that it has given us the opportunity to shift our priorities to the important things. I am grateful that it has given me time away from work to focus on our upcoming transition. And I am grateful that it has pushed me over the fear of being on our own again. If I can drive in snow, baby, I can do anything.
Monday, February 1, 2010
So Close
It is so close.
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Good News
Those who follow me on Twitter know that Donald received good news on Thursday. He has a short-term contract from November to March with the company he has been waiting on.
I am amazed at how much of a difference this has made.
My outlook has changed. I find so much stability knowing that we have a plan until March. I can make plans, like signing up for yoga classes and visiting my family for Christmas. I breathe easier.
A change for me at work has improved my community of support, surrounding me with caring co-workers, little drama, and natural light (I hadn't realized that my previous work environment had been so dreary).
Donald's mood is sky-high, knowing that he will be contributing in so many ways. He starts just after Thanksgiving. I can truly say that I am happy. We have so much to be thankful for.
There are drawbacks, of course. He might not get the full-time position once March rolls around. He has to commute and spend three days a week in the office, so we'll be long-distance part time. We aren't moving anytime soon, so I will come up with a different decluttering timeline.
The benefits, however, far outweigh the costs. We have a wonderful, caring, supportive, and encouraging community to help us through the next few months. I am so grateful to my fellow bloggers who have been with us on this journey thus far. It is far from over. I hope you will continue to follow our adventures.
Thank you for your freely given love and continued support.
I am amazed at how much of a difference this has made.
My outlook has changed. I find so much stability knowing that we have a plan until March. I can make plans, like signing up for yoga classes and visiting my family for Christmas. I breathe easier.
A change for me at work has improved my community of support, surrounding me with caring co-workers, little drama, and natural light (I hadn't realized that my previous work environment had been so dreary).
Donald's mood is sky-high, knowing that he will be contributing in so many ways. He starts just after Thanksgiving. I can truly say that I am happy. We have so much to be thankful for.
There are drawbacks, of course. He might not get the full-time position once March rolls around. He has to commute and spend three days a week in the office, so we'll be long-distance part time. We aren't moving anytime soon, so I will come up with a different decluttering timeline.
The benefits, however, far outweigh the costs. We have a wonderful, caring, supportive, and encouraging community to help us through the next few months. I am so grateful to my fellow bloggers who have been with us on this journey thus far. It is far from over. I hope you will continue to follow our adventures.
Thank you for your freely given love and continued support.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Veterans Day
**This post is very different from most of my others. There is a soap box involved. It might have a significant impact on you. It might make you uncomfortable. I welcome feedback and comments. My intent is motivation and gratitude and the promotion of positive change.**
On November 11, 1918 at 11:00 am, World War I ended on the Western Front. The day came to be known as Armistice Day, a remembrance day for those who served in World War I.
An act approved in 1938 declared the holiday "a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace". In the United States, this holiday is now known as Veterans Day, a day to honor Veterans from all wars.
November 11 is my birthday. I do not think it is a coincidence.
I have long been motivated to promote peace. I have a Masters in History through which I learned about peace and conflict, particularly in the way that war affects the home front. I quickly learned that historical events are not straightforward. They are complicated and messy and the only way to understand what really happened is to get many, many perspectives. This is true for current events, too.
I have learned that the best way to get people to engage with an issue is to make it relevant to them. Historical controversial topics must be presented to the public in a way that opens a dialogue rather than shuts people down. This is true for current controversial topics, like the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Our military personnel sacrifice so much. Whether you approve of the wars or not, it is important to acknowledge these sacrifices. It is also important that we understand that their sacrifices are not over if they are lucky enough to return home.
You have heard the stories about PTSD. You have read about the soldiers who attack their own. They have been trained not to ask for help or acknowledge that they need it.
We must do more to help our Veterans transition back to civilian life. We must demand more attention to this transition from our government, from the military, and from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Silence in the name of morale is not justified.
Each and every soldier deserves to have a chance to lead as normal a life as possible when their service is done. Too many of them are not truly given this chance. They suffer. Their families and friends suffer. Our society suffers.
What can you do to help? Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Start making requests. Show your support beyond acknowledging a national holiday. Take the self-help strategies you so wonderfully share with your readers and find a way to address this need.
Humanity comes first. What role will you play in the cause of world peace? That is the best form of thanks we can give.
Thank you to our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the parents, spouses, and children of our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the friends, caregivers, volunteers, and government employees who support our Veterans and military personnel.
Special thanks to suZen at Erasing the Bored for a conversation that inspired me to share my thoughts with all of you.
**Update: I just found out about Bloggers Unite and their Veterans Day: Who Will Stand campaign. If you're interested in reading what other bloggers are writing about the holiday and about supporting our Veterans, check it out here.**
On November 11, 1918 at 11:00 am, World War I ended on the Western Front. The day came to be known as Armistice Day, a remembrance day for those who served in World War I.
An act approved in 1938 declared the holiday "a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace". In the United States, this holiday is now known as Veterans Day, a day to honor Veterans from all wars.
November 11 is my birthday. I do not think it is a coincidence.
I have long been motivated to promote peace. I have a Masters in History through which I learned about peace and conflict, particularly in the way that war affects the home front. I quickly learned that historical events are not straightforward. They are complicated and messy and the only way to understand what really happened is to get many, many perspectives. This is true for current events, too.
I have learned that the best way to get people to engage with an issue is to make it relevant to them. Historical controversial topics must be presented to the public in a way that opens a dialogue rather than shuts people down. This is true for current controversial topics, like the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Our military personnel sacrifice so much. Whether you approve of the wars or not, it is important to acknowledge these sacrifices. It is also important that we understand that their sacrifices are not over if they are lucky enough to return home.
You have heard the stories about PTSD. You have read about the soldiers who attack their own. They have been trained not to ask for help or acknowledge that they need it.
We must do more to help our Veterans transition back to civilian life. We must demand more attention to this transition from our government, from the military, and from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Silence in the name of morale is not justified.
Each and every soldier deserves to have a chance to lead as normal a life as possible when their service is done. Too many of them are not truly given this chance. They suffer. Their families and friends suffer. Our society suffers.
What can you do to help? Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Start making requests. Show your support beyond acknowledging a national holiday. Take the self-help strategies you so wonderfully share with your readers and find a way to address this need.
Humanity comes first. What role will you play in the cause of world peace? That is the best form of thanks we can give.
Thank you to our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the parents, spouses, and children of our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the friends, caregivers, volunteers, and government employees who support our Veterans and military personnel.
Special thanks to suZen at Erasing the Bored for a conversation that inspired me to share my thoughts with all of you.
**Update: I just found out about Bloggers Unite and their Veterans Day: Who Will Stand campaign. If you're interested in reading what other bloggers are writing about the holiday and about supporting our Veterans, check it out here.**
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finding My Way While Treading Water on a Rollercoaster
Yesterday I found another potential application of my skills, interests, and talent. I was reminded that I had looked into professional organizing several years ago, and had forgotten about it until yesterday.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
More About Getting Rich
I neglected to explain in my last post what being "rich" means to me. There are so many scams out there for gaining financial wealth. This is not my goal. Much like Lisis at Quest for Balance, I have had a strange relationship with money, assuming that people who have a lot of it spend it on frivolous things and that those without it have suffered some injustice. These are unfair stereotypes.
According to the How to be Rich and Happy book, being rich means "the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want." As Lisis said in her post about this book, "If what you want is to feed every man, woman, and child on the planet, you’re gonna need money (or friends with money). No matter how noble your goals are, money is the tool that will allow you to achieve them." This statement is what hooked me.
I also identified with Lisis' current life situation, as she describes: "...now that I find myself between homes, between states, between jobs and way past any degree of certainty about how we will pay our bills or create the life we want, I can honestly say I’m more than curious. I’m a sponge. I am thirsty for useful, helpful advice."
So, as a fellow thirsty sponge, I sought out more information on this topic and came across this series of posts on Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online (start with Part 1). Marelisa writes about a book called The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles in 1910. Her posts are very well written and informed and I feel like I learned so much. Wattles figured out so many of the things that I have been struggling with.
The premise of his book is that anyone can become rich if they think "in a certain way" and act "in a certain way". First, you must have a clear, detailed vision of what you want and you must focus on it, giving that vision constant attention. You must have faith that your vision is approaching and on its way. You must show gratitude for receiving the subject/object of your vision before it arrives. Positive thinking attracts positive things and negative thinking attracts negative things, so for goodness sake, think positive things!
The part that really got me came next. You must more than fill your present place, work beyond your job description, and work efficiently (carefully and productively) and with purpose (your vision). I definitely don't do that enough. The last part is to give more value than you receive. If you make minimum wage, do work worthy of the next pay grade, for example. Giving more value creates more life. More life means more riches available to everyone.
I haven't really done justice to his book or his vision. I really encourage you to read Marelisa's summary, or the original book to understand how he arrives at these steps.
Can you see some familiar themes here, though? Faith, gratitude, being present, efficiency and purpose... My sense of being on the right track is heightened. I can't wait to read more about How to be Rich and Happy. More to come.
According to the How to be Rich and Happy book, being rich means "the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want." As Lisis said in her post about this book, "If what you want is to feed every man, woman, and child on the planet, you’re gonna need money (or friends with money). No matter how noble your goals are, money is the tool that will allow you to achieve them." This statement is what hooked me.
I also identified with Lisis' current life situation, as she describes: "...now that I find myself between homes, between states, between jobs and way past any degree of certainty about how we will pay our bills or create the life we want, I can honestly say I’m more than curious. I’m a sponge. I am thirsty for useful, helpful advice."
So, as a fellow thirsty sponge, I sought out more information on this topic and came across this series of posts on Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online (start with Part 1). Marelisa writes about a book called The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles in 1910. Her posts are very well written and informed and I feel like I learned so much. Wattles figured out so many of the things that I have been struggling with.
The premise of his book is that anyone can become rich if they think "in a certain way" and act "in a certain way". First, you must have a clear, detailed vision of what you want and you must focus on it, giving that vision constant attention. You must have faith that your vision is approaching and on its way. You must show gratitude for receiving the subject/object of your vision before it arrives. Positive thinking attracts positive things and negative thinking attracts negative things, so for goodness sake, think positive things!
The part that really got me came next. You must more than fill your present place, work beyond your job description, and work efficiently (carefully and productively) and with purpose (your vision). I definitely don't do that enough. The last part is to give more value than you receive. If you make minimum wage, do work worthy of the next pay grade, for example. Giving more value creates more life. More life means more riches available to everyone.
I haven't really done justice to his book or his vision. I really encourage you to read Marelisa's summary, or the original book to understand how he arrives at these steps.
Can you see some familiar themes here, though? Faith, gratitude, being present, efficiency and purpose... My sense of being on the right track is heightened. I can't wait to read more about How to be Rich and Happy. More to come.
How to be Rich and Happy (initial review)
I slept really well last night. I woke up feeling... new.
I started reading a new book yesterday, called How to be Rich and Happy by John P. Strelecky and Tim Brownson. I will be reviewing it and writing about my thoughts over the next week or so (however long it takes me). I am grateful to Lisis at Quest for Balance for suggesting it - she's reviewing it too.
I have only read up to Chapter Five so far (it ends at page 39 of 218) and I am already thinking differently and starting to feel more centered. If you're skeptical of self-help books, I'll also be sharing Donald's perspective (often known as Mr. Skepticism).
One of the most important things I have taken away from the book so far is the motivation to actually put something into action this time. The authors say that they have been guilty of reading self-help books, understanding the principles, and then never putting them into practice. I have definitely done this too. It is time for me to move forward, to try something new, to be willing to fail, and to feel good about the whole process.
What I have read so far has prompted me to think really hard about my values. I have realized how interconnected they are, and also how some of my values are so much more important than others. I can also see now why some negative things bother me more than others.
For example, negativity is something I desperately want to avoid. When my mother-in-law suggests to Donald that perhaps he should stop waiting for news on this job and should apply for other things, I react at a much higher level than I would at most things. I am defensive and protective. I am angry. Even though I understand that she is trying to help him avoid getting hurt, I do not appreciate her efforts. I want to prevent Donald from falling back into the black abyss of depression. I also need her to respect that as a married couple, Donald and I are in charge of our future ourselves, despite the fact that we are somewhat dependent upon his parents right now.
Fierce Conversations and How to be Rich and Happy both advocate the importance of living according to one's values. I feel like I am on the right track. My introduction to this book came at a wonderful time.
Now that I have identified what my core values are, I'm looking forward to reading about the next step.
-----------------------------
While I was writing this post, I nagged Donald about whether he would say something to his mom about not being so negative about his job search. I phrased it badly (I made it about me) and it didn't come across the way I intended. I pushed him away.
As we seem to get closer to having some kind of answer about his state of employment, I can tell that we're both on edge even more than normal. I'm concerned that I have been blind to some signs that he's not doing as well emotionally as I think he is. He hasn't returned calls or followed up on basic household type things lately. I have to trust that he has been moving forward in some way.
I also need to remember that he and I are standing side by side, facing the unknown together, working together to help each other take the next step, whatever that may be. We are not adversaries, we are partners. The only way we move forward is together.
I started reading a new book yesterday, called How to be Rich and Happy by John P. Strelecky and Tim Brownson. I will be reviewing it and writing about my thoughts over the next week or so (however long it takes me). I am grateful to Lisis at Quest for Balance for suggesting it - she's reviewing it too.
I have only read up to Chapter Five so far (it ends at page 39 of 218) and I am already thinking differently and starting to feel more centered. If you're skeptical of self-help books, I'll also be sharing Donald's perspective (often known as Mr. Skepticism).
One of the most important things I have taken away from the book so far is the motivation to actually put something into action this time. The authors say that they have been guilty of reading self-help books, understanding the principles, and then never putting them into practice. I have definitely done this too. It is time for me to move forward, to try something new, to be willing to fail, and to feel good about the whole process.
What I have read so far has prompted me to think really hard about my values. I have realized how interconnected they are, and also how some of my values are so much more important than others. I can also see now why some negative things bother me more than others.
For example, negativity is something I desperately want to avoid. When my mother-in-law suggests to Donald that perhaps he should stop waiting for news on this job and should apply for other things, I react at a much higher level than I would at most things. I am defensive and protective. I am angry. Even though I understand that she is trying to help him avoid getting hurt, I do not appreciate her efforts. I want to prevent Donald from falling back into the black abyss of depression. I also need her to respect that as a married couple, Donald and I are in charge of our future ourselves, despite the fact that we are somewhat dependent upon his parents right now.
Fierce Conversations and How to be Rich and Happy both advocate the importance of living according to one's values. I feel like I am on the right track. My introduction to this book came at a wonderful time.
Now that I have identified what my core values are, I'm looking forward to reading about the next step.
-----------------------------
While I was writing this post, I nagged Donald about whether he would say something to his mom about not being so negative about his job search. I phrased it badly (I made it about me) and it didn't come across the way I intended. I pushed him away.
As we seem to get closer to having some kind of answer about his state of employment, I can tell that we're both on edge even more than normal. I'm concerned that I have been blind to some signs that he's not doing as well emotionally as I think he is. He hasn't returned calls or followed up on basic household type things lately. I have to trust that he has been moving forward in some way.
I also need to remember that he and I are standing side by side, facing the unknown together, working together to help each other take the next step, whatever that may be. We are not adversaries, we are partners. The only way we move forward is together.
Friday, October 2, 2009
I Think I Figured It Out (For Now, At Least)
I think I figured out what I want to do.
It dawned on me yesterday, suddenly. I had been thinking about Glen's post at PluginID called Deciding What To Do With Your Life (Without Actually Deciding). He said "Do something (whatever interests you most) and you will end up where you are meant to be." His post gave me permission to decide what interests me most right now. I don't have to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I just need to decide what I'm interested in most now, in the present. It's liberating!
I am grateful, now, that my job was so slow for a while. It gave me the time to address my own needs and to invest in myself. I might not have been able to turn my attitude and outlook around without that opportunity. Funny how things seem to work out that way.
At work, my responsibilities have been expanded recently to have me working more closely with my boss and his clients. I had initially resisted the change and my recent self-coaching made me do it anyway. It ended up being very interesting and I now have new ways in which to support my boss and the work he does in rehab. I have more insight into the importance of the work we do and I am now convinced that my job is more meaningful than I had given it credit for.
I was very pleased when I received a phone call from a client's caregiver telling me that the help I had facilitated for her had worked and improvements had been made. We figured out the next step so more progress can happen. It felt so good to know that I made a difference and to interact directly with the people we are helping. The main part of my job has me working mostly behind the scenes, so I don't have direct interaction with many people who are impacted by our work. Working with clients and seeing the improvements first hand is so rewarding! I need more of it.
The happiness I felt as the result of a single phone call had me thinking about Glen's post. I pulled out a sheet of scrap paper and started brainstorming. I wrote about helping people and facilitating progress and coordinating efforts and organizing and searching for a better way to do things and efficiency and effectiveness and implementation of positive change.
Many of these key words are not new for me; they are constant themes when I brainstorm about what I want to do. Unfortunately, they are incredibly vague without a specific context. I feel hindered in this area because I assumed that I need specialized/expert knowledge in order to help people.
However, my experience helped me see that I am already doing many of these things in my current job. I don't need to be the expert, I just need access to the people who have the knowledge. My role as a coordinator should be knowing the systems, the contexts, and the opportunities, which is where my interest in operations and my analytical and problem solving skills come in.
I also wrote about my humanitarian interests. I like helping people who are viewed in one way or another as "disadvantaged", like people with disabilities and Veterans. That's when I realized that I am actually DOING much of what I want to be doing.
The main change I seem to need is an increased interaction with people so that I can see the progress and feel happy knowing that improvements have been made. The new responsibilities I just started this week will make that happen, and that change took place before I even knew that it is what I needed.
My new insight comes at a strange time. Donald may be employed in the near future, in a location too far away for a commute to my current job. The most surprising thing to me is that this situation does not give me anxiety. As I put my thoughts into words, I realized that the most important part of what I had just figured out is that I know what I want to do now. While my current job meets those desires, it is not the only one or the only way for me to do this kind of work. What I want to do is not dependent upon my current job.
I plan to explore my options with my current job to see how much flexibility there might be for me to keep it and telecommute. I know, however, that the worst case scenario of leaving this job and having to find another is not nearly so daunting now that I know what I am looking for and what will be fulfilling for me. I will no longer have to get "just a job". I will look for a good job that will help me grow and will give me meaningful work to do.
If it is meant to happen, it will.
Holy crap.... look how far I have come...
I was open to these insights partially because of Dani's post on positively present called "light up your life: 5 days to make your path brighter". Her metaphor of walking a path at night and in daylight and the way our perceptions change what we experience is truly artful and moving. I am bookmarking this post in particular so that when the darkness clouds my senses, I will be reminded that I am responsible for providing the light on my way through life.
Thank you for watching and supporting my journey, dear readers. I will keep you posted!
It dawned on me yesterday, suddenly. I had been thinking about Glen's post at PluginID called Deciding What To Do With Your Life (Without Actually Deciding). He said "Do something (whatever interests you most) and you will end up where you are meant to be." His post gave me permission to decide what interests me most right now. I don't have to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I just need to decide what I'm interested in most now, in the present. It's liberating!
I am grateful, now, that my job was so slow for a while. It gave me the time to address my own needs and to invest in myself. I might not have been able to turn my attitude and outlook around without that opportunity. Funny how things seem to work out that way.
At work, my responsibilities have been expanded recently to have me working more closely with my boss and his clients. I had initially resisted the change and my recent self-coaching made me do it anyway. It ended up being very interesting and I now have new ways in which to support my boss and the work he does in rehab. I have more insight into the importance of the work we do and I am now convinced that my job is more meaningful than I had given it credit for.
I was very pleased when I received a phone call from a client's caregiver telling me that the help I had facilitated for her had worked and improvements had been made. We figured out the next step so more progress can happen. It felt so good to know that I made a difference and to interact directly with the people we are helping. The main part of my job has me working mostly behind the scenes, so I don't have direct interaction with many people who are impacted by our work. Working with clients and seeing the improvements first hand is so rewarding! I need more of it.
The happiness I felt as the result of a single phone call had me thinking about Glen's post. I pulled out a sheet of scrap paper and started brainstorming. I wrote about helping people and facilitating progress and coordinating efforts and organizing and searching for a better way to do things and efficiency and effectiveness and implementation of positive change.
Many of these key words are not new for me; they are constant themes when I brainstorm about what I want to do. Unfortunately, they are incredibly vague without a specific context. I feel hindered in this area because I assumed that I need specialized/expert knowledge in order to help people.
However, my experience helped me see that I am already doing many of these things in my current job. I don't need to be the expert, I just need access to the people who have the knowledge. My role as a coordinator should be knowing the systems, the contexts, and the opportunities, which is where my interest in operations and my analytical and problem solving skills come in.
I also wrote about my humanitarian interests. I like helping people who are viewed in one way or another as "disadvantaged", like people with disabilities and Veterans. That's when I realized that I am actually DOING much of what I want to be doing.
The main change I seem to need is an increased interaction with people so that I can see the progress and feel happy knowing that improvements have been made. The new responsibilities I just started this week will make that happen, and that change took place before I even knew that it is what I needed.
My new insight comes at a strange time. Donald may be employed in the near future, in a location too far away for a commute to my current job. The most surprising thing to me is that this situation does not give me anxiety. As I put my thoughts into words, I realized that the most important part of what I had just figured out is that I know what I want to do now. While my current job meets those desires, it is not the only one or the only way for me to do this kind of work. What I want to do is not dependent upon my current job.
I plan to explore my options with my current job to see how much flexibility there might be for me to keep it and telecommute. I know, however, that the worst case scenario of leaving this job and having to find another is not nearly so daunting now that I know what I am looking for and what will be fulfilling for me. I will no longer have to get "just a job". I will look for a good job that will help me grow and will give me meaningful work to do.
If it is meant to happen, it will.
Holy crap.... look how far I have come...
I was open to these insights partially because of Dani's post on positively present called "light up your life: 5 days to make your path brighter". Her metaphor of walking a path at night and in daylight and the way our perceptions change what we experience is truly artful and moving. I am bookmarking this post in particular so that when the darkness clouds my senses, I will be reminded that I am responsible for providing the light on my way through life.
Thank you for watching and supporting my journey, dear readers. I will keep you posted!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Shortsighted
Everything I do now will matter in the long run. Some things will matter more than others. Even the quality of the little things will prove my abilities and skills and I cannot afford to squander those opportunities.
My attitude about my job (and former jobs) has often degenerated into a very shortsighted view. I think it happens because I retreat into a "take each day one at a time" mentality, which can be incredibly helpful and which also encourages me to forget about the long-term implications of what I do each day.
I had a conversation with my boss today. I didn't have to tell him that I feel underutilized. He knows. He is aware of my potential and the fact that my current project is not as busy as he thought it would be. We talked about additional projects I can take on. It became abundantly clear to me that my boss is thinking about the long-term. He wants to connect me with projects that will be developing for years to come. He wants to groom me to be a key player in his future endeavors.
I was floored by my shortsightedness. I was also humbled by my underestimation of my boss. He is often away and I do not get the opportunity to meet with him very often. I should have had a little more faith in his awareness of my abilities and his interest in having me achieve my potential.
My motivation to improve my attitude is now boosted by the knowledge that I am appreciated and will soon be given opportunities to prove my worth and to grow as an individual. What amazing timing the universe has!
My attitude about my job (and former jobs) has often degenerated into a very shortsighted view. I think it happens because I retreat into a "take each day one at a time" mentality, which can be incredibly helpful and which also encourages me to forget about the long-term implications of what I do each day.
I had a conversation with my boss today. I didn't have to tell him that I feel underutilized. He knows. He is aware of my potential and the fact that my current project is not as busy as he thought it would be. We talked about additional projects I can take on. It became abundantly clear to me that my boss is thinking about the long-term. He wants to connect me with projects that will be developing for years to come. He wants to groom me to be a key player in his future endeavors.
I was floored by my shortsightedness. I was also humbled by my underestimation of my boss. He is often away and I do not get the opportunity to meet with him very often. I should have had a little more faith in his awareness of my abilities and his interest in having me achieve my potential.
My motivation to improve my attitude is now boosted by the knowledge that I am appreciated and will soon be given opportunities to prove my worth and to grow as an individual. What amazing timing the universe has!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Breakthrough
I think I have finally heard what Fierce Conversations is saying.
I just finished listening to Webinar: Transformational Idea #2 by Susan Scott. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It told me exactly how to be the kind of person who leaves a "positive emotional wake", the kind of person who can achieve the goals I have outlined for myself:
(1) View/treat everyone as my equal (no exceptions).
(2) Attitude is key.
(3) Invite/consider multiple perspectives with the goal of being influenced, NOT to influence others.
(4) Put the greater good first.
(5) Be present in every conversation, "prepared to be nowhere else".
(6) Speak the truth with good intent.
(7) It is not important to be right.
(8) Say less, listen more.
(all credit for the above goes to Susan Scott of http://www.fierceinc.com/)
As I listened, it dawned on me that my unhappiness with my past/current jobs is partially of my own doing. I had a terrible attitude. I strove to be right and I was closed to other perspectives. I was never present in the conversation. I thought only of myself. I did absolutely nothing to better my situation and I probably made it worse. I'm still doing it - placing blame, avoiding honesty, skimming through my interactions with my co-workers.
I have negatively affected my relationships when I talk and don't listen, when I speak only to be right, when I assume that someone else will benefit from what I say without being prepared to benefit from something they say. Many of my relationships are distant and impersonal because I do not engage people "on a deep level". Even my most important relationships have suffered from my one-sided conversations. How did I get so defensive and selfish?
I tend to be a private person with most people and quite open and free with the few people I grow to trust. I think I have allowed my private tendencies to prevent me from connecting with people. Engaging someone does not mean sharing personal details. It means being open, it means listening with no agenda and no internal dialogue. It means being present and respectful of someone I consider my equal.
It's time to get off my high horse.
I have the power to change my situation. I do not need to change other people. I need to change me. I said this in another post, but it hasn't been so clear until now. When I wrote it before, I was not focused on the goals above. It was a more wishy-washy, "I need to be a better person" sense. I know what I need to do now.
It's humbling to suddenly hear someone I admire telling me that I haven't actually been living the values I profess to have. Hopefully I heard the truth this time.
This is the beginning. My blog is a lot of talking, so if you comment, I promise I will listen. Please forgive me if I have previously cheapened our relationship. I invite you to join me in improving our relationship, "one conversation at a time".
Thank you, Susan.
I just finished listening to Webinar: Transformational Idea #2 by Susan Scott. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It told me exactly how to be the kind of person who leaves a "positive emotional wake", the kind of person who can achieve the goals I have outlined for myself:
(1) View/treat everyone as my equal (no exceptions).
(2) Attitude is key.
(3) Invite/consider multiple perspectives with the goal of being influenced, NOT to influence others.
(4) Put the greater good first.
(5) Be present in every conversation, "prepared to be nowhere else".
(6) Speak the truth with good intent.
(7) It is not important to be right.
(8) Say less, listen more.
(all credit for the above goes to Susan Scott of http://www.fierceinc.com/)
As I listened, it dawned on me that my unhappiness with my past/current jobs is partially of my own doing. I had a terrible attitude. I strove to be right and I was closed to other perspectives. I was never present in the conversation. I thought only of myself. I did absolutely nothing to better my situation and I probably made it worse. I'm still doing it - placing blame, avoiding honesty, skimming through my interactions with my co-workers.
I have negatively affected my relationships when I talk and don't listen, when I speak only to be right, when I assume that someone else will benefit from what I say without being prepared to benefit from something they say. Many of my relationships are distant and impersonal because I do not engage people "on a deep level". Even my most important relationships have suffered from my one-sided conversations. How did I get so defensive and selfish?
I tend to be a private person with most people and quite open and free with the few people I grow to trust. I think I have allowed my private tendencies to prevent me from connecting with people. Engaging someone does not mean sharing personal details. It means being open, it means listening with no agenda and no internal dialogue. It means being present and respectful of someone I consider my equal.
It's time to get off my high horse.
I have the power to change my situation. I do not need to change other people. I need to change me. I said this in another post, but it hasn't been so clear until now. When I wrote it before, I was not focused on the goals above. It was a more wishy-washy, "I need to be a better person" sense. I know what I need to do now.
It's humbling to suddenly hear someone I admire telling me that I haven't actually been living the values I profess to have. Hopefully I heard the truth this time.
This is the beginning. My blog is a lot of talking, so if you comment, I promise I will listen. Please forgive me if I have previously cheapened our relationship. I invite you to join me in improving our relationship, "one conversation at a time".
Thank you, Susan.
My Choices
A quick walk, a box of hair dye, a mocha, and a call from Donald and I'm back in the saddle.
I chose to take unfulfilling jobs before. I can choose to make different choices next time.
I have learned how it feels to be in positions that do not challenge me, do not engage me, and do not make me a better person. I only fail if I knowingly let it happen again.
I worry that my job experience doesn't give me qualifications that will land a job I really want. I need to work harder to prove that I have the skills and abilities to do what I really want to do.
Donald reminded me that our next move will come with flexibility that we have never had before. Donald will be the one providing the main income and health insurance. We might need the money from my income too, but I can be more careful and picky about what I do next. My next steps do not have to include another temporary job. I do not have to sacrifice this time. Whatever I choose next does not have to be set aside for children. I will demand flexibility from myself and from my next endeavor. It will be meaningful. It will be fulfilling. It will be challenging.
Thank you, Donald, for being the best husband in the world, for picking me up and brushing me off, and putting me back in the saddle. Thank you for acknowledging that I have sacrificed my "career" for the past four years and for not letting me think that I have consequently damaged my future. We will get there, together. I love you.
I chose to take unfulfilling jobs before. I can choose to make different choices next time.
I have learned how it feels to be in positions that do not challenge me, do not engage me, and do not make me a better person. I only fail if I knowingly let it happen again.
I worry that my job experience doesn't give me qualifications that will land a job I really want. I need to work harder to prove that I have the skills and abilities to do what I really want to do.
Donald reminded me that our next move will come with flexibility that we have never had before. Donald will be the one providing the main income and health insurance. We might need the money from my income too, but I can be more careful and picky about what I do next. My next steps do not have to include another temporary job. I do not have to sacrifice this time. Whatever I choose next does not have to be set aside for children. I will demand flexibility from myself and from my next endeavor. It will be meaningful. It will be fulfilling. It will be challenging.
Thank you, Donald, for being the best husband in the world, for picking me up and brushing me off, and putting me back in the saddle. Thank you for acknowledging that I have sacrificed my "career" for the past four years and for not letting me think that I have consequently damaged my future. We will get there, together. I love you.
Compromise and Fulfillment
I'm still thinking about what I want to do with my life. My last post about parenting and my role as a mom, individual, and spouse, has made me realize that my "career path" is not going to be typical. I can, therefore, make choices that someone pursuing a "normal career" might not make. I haven't figured out yet what this means.
I have worked in a human resources capacity enough to know that when hiring, a resume that has large gaps of unexplained time or that shows the person moving from one job to another frequently raises red flags. It does not necessarily prevent a good candidate from landing an interview, but especially for jobs that have hundreds of applicants, those kinds of things are often used to cull the group.
I had been worried about this somewhat. I haven't held any job for more than two years. Our choice for Donald to go back to school meant that I left one job and got another. I moved within that job to a different department. Then we moved in with his parents and I got another job. If he gets the position he interviewed for, we would move again. I don't know whether I would be able to keep my current job or not.
While this pattern can easily be explained and does not actually indicate a lack of loyalty on my part, on the surface, before anyone talks to me, I look like a flight risk. And I know that I have been dinged in previous interviews because I gushed about how wonderful it was to be a young, newly married woman. Assumptions were made about how quickly I'd get pregnant, take maternity leave, and then leave for good. The same thing happened when I happily shared my excitement about Donald's degree pursuit. It branded me as a two-year employee, no more no less. Both assumptions completely unfair, and if provable as the reasons I was rejected, illegal, but it didn't matter.
Every job I have had has taught me something valuable about myself. My first job (#1) out of graduate school taught me that I prefer to work with other people and not alone, that I like collaboration and a balance of quiet time. I also stretched my wings in creating policy and procedure there, even though it wasn't in my job description.
My next position (#2) was largely a nightmare. I worked for a very difficult person and for a year and a half, I functioned without a backbone, a very detrimental experience, but one that also taught me what I can survive and what I should never, ever tolerate again. I also realized that my health suffers when the way I spend my time is not in alignment with my values (a Susan Scott connection).
I transitioned from there to a much better environment (#3), which, while still not very challenging to my skills and abilities, gave me opportunities to grow that I had never had before. I was encouraged to get training, to hone my skills, to think about what I really wanted to do. I was engaged and supported. I had never felt this before. It showed me what could be and it helped me recover from the previous position.
And now I am here (#4). I am still not very challenged and I have quite a bit of down time to myself. I know that I am valued, but the nature of the position seems to be very laid back. I know that I am doing good work - the project I am connected to is very meaningful and worthwhile - and I also know that I am not doing enough. I am underutilized. I am not growing. I am not using my education and abilities to my potential. This is the third job in a row that has been this way.
I excuse myself by saying that jobs #2-4 were "temporary". I didn't work hard to find something that fit me or used my skills because jobs like that were either unavailable or because I figured that I could just take something easy since I was "only" going to be there for two years or less. I cut myself short. I tolerated job #2 for so long because I thought it was going to end soon. And then we didn't leave. So I looked desperately for something else and found #3, an improvement, but not enough of one. When it came time to look for #4 I was simply looking for an income and health insurance, something to tide us over while Donald continued his job search.
I have spent the last four years compromising.
My question for myself now is what I do whenever Donald's next career move takes us elsewhere. The plan I outlined in my last post has me working until we have a family. So do I get another "temporary" job? What if I get pregnant right away? What if it takes us years to conceive? What if I end up with a job I love and don't want to leave? What if I hate my job and it affects my health and my ability to have children?
Forty hours a week is a lot to sacrifice on something that has little meaning for me beyond a paycheck and health insurance. What if Donald's income isn't large enough right away and I have to work AND leave my child with someone else for the day? I already know that the job better be wonderful for me to have any satisfaction with that arrangement. None of the jobs I have had in the past would make the cut. And I have no idea what I am looking for or whether I would even be qualified for the position if I could find it.
My concerned thought pattern dumps me back into "maybe I'm just supposed to be a mom" and "maybe I'm not cut out for the workplace" and "maybe no job will ever be good enough for me".
How do I figure this out? How can I say that I want to fix things around me, to help people help themselves, when I haven't figured out how to help myself?
I'm apparently feeling a bit unhappy today. Sorry for the downer.
I have worked in a human resources capacity enough to know that when hiring, a resume that has large gaps of unexplained time or that shows the person moving from one job to another frequently raises red flags. It does not necessarily prevent a good candidate from landing an interview, but especially for jobs that have hundreds of applicants, those kinds of things are often used to cull the group.
I had been worried about this somewhat. I haven't held any job for more than two years. Our choice for Donald to go back to school meant that I left one job and got another. I moved within that job to a different department. Then we moved in with his parents and I got another job. If he gets the position he interviewed for, we would move again. I don't know whether I would be able to keep my current job or not.
While this pattern can easily be explained and does not actually indicate a lack of loyalty on my part, on the surface, before anyone talks to me, I look like a flight risk. And I know that I have been dinged in previous interviews because I gushed about how wonderful it was to be a young, newly married woman. Assumptions were made about how quickly I'd get pregnant, take maternity leave, and then leave for good. The same thing happened when I happily shared my excitement about Donald's degree pursuit. It branded me as a two-year employee, no more no less. Both assumptions completely unfair, and if provable as the reasons I was rejected, illegal, but it didn't matter.
Every job I have had has taught me something valuable about myself. My first job (#1) out of graduate school taught me that I prefer to work with other people and not alone, that I like collaboration and a balance of quiet time. I also stretched my wings in creating policy and procedure there, even though it wasn't in my job description.
My next position (#2) was largely a nightmare. I worked for a very difficult person and for a year and a half, I functioned without a backbone, a very detrimental experience, but one that also taught me what I can survive and what I should never, ever tolerate again. I also realized that my health suffers when the way I spend my time is not in alignment with my values (a Susan Scott connection).
I transitioned from there to a much better environment (#3), which, while still not very challenging to my skills and abilities, gave me opportunities to grow that I had never had before. I was encouraged to get training, to hone my skills, to think about what I really wanted to do. I was engaged and supported. I had never felt this before. It showed me what could be and it helped me recover from the previous position.
And now I am here (#4). I am still not very challenged and I have quite a bit of down time to myself. I know that I am valued, but the nature of the position seems to be very laid back. I know that I am doing good work - the project I am connected to is very meaningful and worthwhile - and I also know that I am not doing enough. I am underutilized. I am not growing. I am not using my education and abilities to my potential. This is the third job in a row that has been this way.
I excuse myself by saying that jobs #2-4 were "temporary". I didn't work hard to find something that fit me or used my skills because jobs like that were either unavailable or because I figured that I could just take something easy since I was "only" going to be there for two years or less. I cut myself short. I tolerated job #2 for so long because I thought it was going to end soon. And then we didn't leave. So I looked desperately for something else and found #3, an improvement, but not enough of one. When it came time to look for #4 I was simply looking for an income and health insurance, something to tide us over while Donald continued his job search.
I have spent the last four years compromising.
My question for myself now is what I do whenever Donald's next career move takes us elsewhere. The plan I outlined in my last post has me working until we have a family. So do I get another "temporary" job? What if I get pregnant right away? What if it takes us years to conceive? What if I end up with a job I love and don't want to leave? What if I hate my job and it affects my health and my ability to have children?
Forty hours a week is a lot to sacrifice on something that has little meaning for me beyond a paycheck and health insurance. What if Donald's income isn't large enough right away and I have to work AND leave my child with someone else for the day? I already know that the job better be wonderful for me to have any satisfaction with that arrangement. None of the jobs I have had in the past would make the cut. And I have no idea what I am looking for or whether I would even be qualified for the position if I could find it.
My concerned thought pattern dumps me back into "maybe I'm just supposed to be a mom" and "maybe I'm not cut out for the workplace" and "maybe no job will ever be good enough for me".
How do I figure this out? How can I say that I want to fix things around me, to help people help themselves, when I haven't figured out how to help myself?
I'm apparently feeling a bit unhappy today. Sorry for the downer.
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