So it turns out that our major life decisions are not completely up to either one of us. We're both working to take a lot of things on faith, to relax our senses of responsibility and to trust that things will work out happily.
Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.
I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.
You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.
And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.
The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).
Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.
These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.
This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.
To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.
The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.
Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.
It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.
Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.
Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.
Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.
And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.
Because that's how we roll.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Heart Centered
No decisions have yet been made about these huge life changes I am contemplating. One of the reasons for that is that Donald, in his youthful wisdom, has understood the gravity of these decisions for me and has given them to me to contemplate and decide for myself before we make a final decision together.
He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.
Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.
I am transported.
I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.
I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.
When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.
He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.
Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.
I am transported.
I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.
I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.
When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Big Decisions
I recently tweeted that I'm currently in the process of big decision making about starting a family, my career path, buying a house, and getting a dog. Easy, right?
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Apparently not.
I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).
I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.
I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!
However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.
For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.
Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.
And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!
So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.
<deep breath>
Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.
If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.
The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.
Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.
I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.
I'll also try not to cry.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Privacy, Patience, and Forgiveness
I have been thinking about my last post about honesty and self-forgiveness and I realized something.
It would actually be wrong to answer every question with full honesty. Some things are not to be shared with anyone who asks. Some things are private. Some pieces of information should be withheld to keep us safe.
I'm focusing on the privacy issue for the moment. When I was explaining my hangups about honesty to Donald, I realized that my goal is not to answer every question honestly. A balance must be struck between honesty and privacy.
I think my worries about how honest I am somewhat related to how we are going to protect our privacy when we have children and also how to avoid justifying our choices to others. I think these things are very linked.
Here's a scenario. Donald and I visit his parents and one of them notices that I'm not drinking alcohol at cocktail hour. Questions are asked and avoided (or met with lies), assumptions are made, and information we wanted to have kept private is out in the open. How do we navigate these types of social situations with straightforward communication that doesn't alienate people and preserves our privacy? Do we have to just stay home to avoid awkward questions?
I think it's funny that these are the questions that keep me up at night when I think about having kids. It's not about money or danger or how to raise them or worries about birth, it's about how to handle questions without feeling stressed, how to only share the information we want to share and how to feel secure in the decisions we are making together.
Luckily, this means that my struggle with honesty is not as scary as I thought last week and I can now move on to self-forgiveness, decidedly the harder piece of all of this.
Forgiving myself is one of the hardest things for me to do. I am very hard on myself, very critical; I hold very high standards for myself.
For example, I'm volunteering with a local no-kill animal shelter as a dog walker. Many of the animals they receive have had rough lives and part of their mission is to rehabilitate these dogs and then give them to loving families who will want them forever. I believe strongly in this mission, and I know how important my time will be in walking these dogs and showing them affection.
However, I still feel inadequate. I feel like I should be solving the cause of this problem, not simply cleaning up the mess of consequences. I want to get to the root, eliminate the cause so that we don't have to keep cleaning up messes.
Donald just shakes his head and smiles at me. He admires my passion and my interest in solving world problems. He also worries that my standards for myself undermine any sense of accomplishment I might feel in the level of effort I can give. I don't want to accept it when he says that eliminating the cause is impossible for one person.
I often rail against the big problems that I want to solve and cannot. I'm trying to train myself to see the small steps as progress rather than futility. I get frustrated when I spend a lot of time on something that will continue to be a problem because we haven't eliminated the cause. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it means that I end my involvement in the process, which doesn't help anyone.
Do I believe that I have more power than I really have? Do I need to stop trying to change the world and simply lower my aim? If I have the power I think I have, how do I harness it and get to the place I want to be?
Passion without action is nothing. This means that even the smallest actions are better than no action. Small actions can become big actions. I simply have to remember that the short term does not equal the long term, that sustained small changes over time are often the way big changes occur.
It's about patience. It's about faith.
If this doesn't look connected to self-forgiveness, it is:
If I can accept what I have just written, then I can forgive myself for only taking small actions and not changing the world immediately.
I can forgive myself for making mistakes, for being human, for hurting other people's feelings, for abandoning things I have cared about.
I can forgive myself for doubting myself. I can forgive myself for a lack of patience and faith.
I can forgive myself for getting carried away and sometimes being selfish and misguided.
I can forgive myself for leading myself astray, for believing things I knew were not true.
I have two difficult stories that I want to share in my journey towards self-forgiveness. They will come soon. Thank you for accompanying me on this path.
It would actually be wrong to answer every question with full honesty. Some things are not to be shared with anyone who asks. Some things are private. Some pieces of information should be withheld to keep us safe.
I'm focusing on the privacy issue for the moment. When I was explaining my hangups about honesty to Donald, I realized that my goal is not to answer every question honestly. A balance must be struck between honesty and privacy.
I think my worries about how honest I am somewhat related to how we are going to protect our privacy when we have children and also how to avoid justifying our choices to others. I think these things are very linked.
Here's a scenario. Donald and I visit his parents and one of them notices that I'm not drinking alcohol at cocktail hour. Questions are asked and avoided (or met with lies), assumptions are made, and information we wanted to have kept private is out in the open. How do we navigate these types of social situations with straightforward communication that doesn't alienate people and preserves our privacy? Do we have to just stay home to avoid awkward questions?
I think it's funny that these are the questions that keep me up at night when I think about having kids. It's not about money or danger or how to raise them or worries about birth, it's about how to handle questions without feeling stressed, how to only share the information we want to share and how to feel secure in the decisions we are making together.
Luckily, this means that my struggle with honesty is not as scary as I thought last week and I can now move on to self-forgiveness, decidedly the harder piece of all of this.
Forgiving myself is one of the hardest things for me to do. I am very hard on myself, very critical; I hold very high standards for myself.
For example, I'm volunteering with a local no-kill animal shelter as a dog walker. Many of the animals they receive have had rough lives and part of their mission is to rehabilitate these dogs and then give them to loving families who will want them forever. I believe strongly in this mission, and I know how important my time will be in walking these dogs and showing them affection.
However, I still feel inadequate. I feel like I should be solving the cause of this problem, not simply cleaning up the mess of consequences. I want to get to the root, eliminate the cause so that we don't have to keep cleaning up messes.
Donald just shakes his head and smiles at me. He admires my passion and my interest in solving world problems. He also worries that my standards for myself undermine any sense of accomplishment I might feel in the level of effort I can give. I don't want to accept it when he says that eliminating the cause is impossible for one person.
I often rail against the big problems that I want to solve and cannot. I'm trying to train myself to see the small steps as progress rather than futility. I get frustrated when I spend a lot of time on something that will continue to be a problem because we haven't eliminated the cause. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it means that I end my involvement in the process, which doesn't help anyone.
Do I believe that I have more power than I really have? Do I need to stop trying to change the world and simply lower my aim? If I have the power I think I have, how do I harness it and get to the place I want to be?
Passion without action is nothing. This means that even the smallest actions are better than no action. Small actions can become big actions. I simply have to remember that the short term does not equal the long term, that sustained small changes over time are often the way big changes occur.
It's about patience. It's about faith.
If this doesn't look connected to self-forgiveness, it is:
If I can accept what I have just written, then I can forgive myself for only taking small actions and not changing the world immediately.
I can forgive myself for making mistakes, for being human, for hurting other people's feelings, for abandoning things I have cared about.
I can forgive myself for doubting myself. I can forgive myself for a lack of patience and faith.
I can forgive myself for getting carried away and sometimes being selfish and misguided.
I can forgive myself for leading myself astray, for believing things I knew were not true.
I have two difficult stories that I want to share in my journey towards self-forgiveness. They will come soon. Thank you for accompanying me on this path.
Friday, February 5, 2010
What Is Home?
I have spent so many hours over the last week looking for rental housing in our potential community. It's a college town and has quite a variety to choose from. Donald and I are trying to avoid undergrad-type housing and we have found several good options. I'm going out with him next week to visit and I have appointments with eight different places of varying styles and prices.
This experience has been a bit more energy-sapping than I had anticipated. I am the kind of girl who loves projects like this, creating spreadsheets and lists, and doing lots of online research and making phone calls. Sneaking into all of this, however, are several thoughts that have had me sitting back a bit and thinking about our next steps.
Living with Donald's parents has affected us. As in, going out on our own again is actually a bit scary sounding, even though it's something we really want. I'm having a hard time trusting prospective landlords and property management companies. I'm wondering what elements will really make our new place a good home for us. Do we pay more for some things? Should we be saving all of our money for a down payment on a house?
The plan right now is to rent for a year or two until we learn about the neighborhoods and get a sense of where we want to live, and then look for a house to buy. We have never owned a house before, so this step is huge for us. The place we move in to first might be for only a year, or it might be for longer, so we're trying to find a balance between saving money and having the amenities that we really want.
Laundry in-home, for example (we have gotten used to it). A yard (garden, dog, space). An extra bedroom or two (office, visitors, babies!). Are all of these worth spending more money on? Even if it delays a house purchase?
And that's just housing stuff. Donald and I definitely need to sit down and figure out our budget further. We have our basic expenses figured out (utilities, groceries, etc.) and it has been a long time since our incomes could cover our expenses. That is a wonderful feeling. It's the extra stuff that we're saving for that gets complicated. I'm going to be consulting Get Rich Slowly for a lot of advice as we move forward.
A down payment on a house is pretty easy to figure out, because we want to hit a certain percentage of the sale price and we have a sense of how much money we want to spend on our first house.
Starting a family is a very fluid thing to save for. Do people actually do that? Or do you just decide it's time to have a family and then deal with whatever expenses come along? Obviously, you can always spend more money on kids, but does anyone have a suggestion about a baseline for a first kid budget? Am I crazy thinking that this is something over which we have control?
Travel is a big one. My family lives in California and we want to see them there at least once a year. We're also trying to set up a yearly visit with some friends of ours, and there are always family get togethers that are fun to attend. My best friend is also getting married this year and I'm throwing part of her bachelorette party, so those expenses are included here as well. Donald and I want to visit a dude ranch (remember my need to learn to barrel ride?) and I want to take him to Europe (Scotland and Italy are first on our list).
Creeping into my consciousness are also a lot of mixed feelings now that this seems like it's actually going to happen. We have had a truly wonderful year staying with Donald's parents. I am so grateful to be able to say that. It hasn't always been fun, but we have really made the most of it and it feels so wonderful to have gotten to know each other so much better. It has also been pretty cushy and we have gotten used to a certain level of pampered-ness that will be hard to leave. We have gotten dependent.
It has been so nice to always have someone home, to talk to, to eat with, to sit in the same room with. It will just be the two of us again (and our two cats) and that might be weird to adjust to at first. That's why my So Close post included making new friends - it will be so important so that we get out of the house and don't drive each other crazy (in a bad way).
We have a snowed-in kind of weekend ahead of us, so maybe it will be time to figure some of these things out. As always, your words of advice, support and encouragement mean so much to me. Thank you for reading.
This experience has been a bit more energy-sapping than I had anticipated. I am the kind of girl who loves projects like this, creating spreadsheets and lists, and doing lots of online research and making phone calls. Sneaking into all of this, however, are several thoughts that have had me sitting back a bit and thinking about our next steps.
Living with Donald's parents has affected us. As in, going out on our own again is actually a bit scary sounding, even though it's something we really want. I'm having a hard time trusting prospective landlords and property management companies. I'm wondering what elements will really make our new place a good home for us. Do we pay more for some things? Should we be saving all of our money for a down payment on a house?
The plan right now is to rent for a year or two until we learn about the neighborhoods and get a sense of where we want to live, and then look for a house to buy. We have never owned a house before, so this step is huge for us. The place we move in to first might be for only a year, or it might be for longer, so we're trying to find a balance between saving money and having the amenities that we really want.
Laundry in-home, for example (we have gotten used to it). A yard (garden, dog, space). An extra bedroom or two (office, visitors, babies!). Are all of these worth spending more money on? Even if it delays a house purchase?
And that's just housing stuff. Donald and I definitely need to sit down and figure out our budget further. We have our basic expenses figured out (utilities, groceries, etc.) and it has been a long time since our incomes could cover our expenses. That is a wonderful feeling. It's the extra stuff that we're saving for that gets complicated. I'm going to be consulting Get Rich Slowly for a lot of advice as we move forward.
A down payment on a house is pretty easy to figure out, because we want to hit a certain percentage of the sale price and we have a sense of how much money we want to spend on our first house.
Starting a family is a very fluid thing to save for. Do people actually do that? Or do you just decide it's time to have a family and then deal with whatever expenses come along? Obviously, you can always spend more money on kids, but does anyone have a suggestion about a baseline for a first kid budget? Am I crazy thinking that this is something over which we have control?
Travel is a big one. My family lives in California and we want to see them there at least once a year. We're also trying to set up a yearly visit with some friends of ours, and there are always family get togethers that are fun to attend. My best friend is also getting married this year and I'm throwing part of her bachelorette party, so those expenses are included here as well. Donald and I want to visit a dude ranch (remember my need to learn to barrel ride?) and I want to take him to Europe (Scotland and Italy are first on our list).
Creeping into my consciousness are also a lot of mixed feelings now that this seems like it's actually going to happen. We have had a truly wonderful year staying with Donald's parents. I am so grateful to be able to say that. It hasn't always been fun, but we have really made the most of it and it feels so wonderful to have gotten to know each other so much better. It has also been pretty cushy and we have gotten used to a certain level of pampered-ness that will be hard to leave. We have gotten dependent.
It has been so nice to always have someone home, to talk to, to eat with, to sit in the same room with. It will just be the two of us again (and our two cats) and that might be weird to adjust to at first. That's why my So Close post included making new friends - it will be so important so that we get out of the house and don't drive each other crazy (in a bad way).
We have a snowed-in kind of weekend ahead of us, so maybe it will be time to figure some of these things out. As always, your words of advice, support and encouragement mean so much to me. Thank you for reading.
Monday, February 1, 2010
So Close
It is so close.
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
I can see myself running on new bike trails
I see making new friends
I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise
I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher
I see our cats enjoying new space
I see our belongings unpacked
I see myself uncluttering with joy
I see our new laundry room
I see hanging art on the walls
I see sunshine coming in the windows
I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food
I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy
I see the beginning of our family
I see peaceful space
I see responsible choices and a happy budget
I see traveling
I see hosting visitors
I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks
I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in
I see a functional and comfortable home office
I see photos of family and friends everywhere
I see fresh garden produce from my garden
I see community service and a connection with our new home
I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops
I see continuing to blog and to write and to share
I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love
~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Following and Balancing Passion
In early December 2009, Lisis at Quest for Balance wrote a very popular and controversial post called “Net Worth Vs Self Worth: The Passion Paradox”. Several other bloggers wrote responses, one of whom was David at Raptitude in “What Passion Will Buy You”.
At the time, while I wrote detailed comments on both posts, I hadn’t yet formulated my thoughts well enough for a post of my own. Now I have, in my own fashion.
I think that passion can be a worthwhile pursuit when it is couched in the knowledge that this discovery and search is life-long, not something that a book or a blog can tell you right away.
Donald and I approach success and passion differently. I have always encouraged him to find a job that he loves (even during his year of unemployment). He wants a job with a good enough income that he can support his family. While these two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive, they do sometimes cause conflict over what is most important to us. We both want to be happy and to support our family.
Jeffrey’s post at The Art of Great Things called “In Defense of Work-Life Balance” woke me up to the fact that typical 9-5 jobs are not inherently evil. They serve many purposes, including the ones Donald has. My role then, is not to constantly push Donald to find a job he loves. My role is to help him balance his work and life and to make sure that his non-work time is what he wants it to be. My role is also to remind him every once in a while of his passions and dreams and help him find ways to realize them.
As Donald reminds me, he has the same role for me and I need to keep paying attention to my own needs. For some reason this is really hard for me. Right now, I am so focused on gearing up for having a family, especially after reading Katie’s post about 7 months of motherhood at Confessions of a Young Married Couple.
I am also acutely aware of the fact that it’s quite possible to lose myself in motherhood, when it happens, and that I desperately want to avoid the realization after 30 years of marriage that I have neglected important things, as my mother has experienced.
And so I consider the things that ignite my own passion. It is so tempting to believe that wandering off the beaten path is to be rewarded with financial success and happiness. While I don’t want to make my passions into money, I do see the value in bringing passion to the work I do, no matter what it is.
I highly recommend going through the Finding My Passion questions at Blogging Without A Blog. Donald and I went through them together, for each of us, and I learned so much about us as a couple and as individuals. The more we each express our values and priorities, the better life we can create together.
At the time, while I wrote detailed comments on both posts, I hadn’t yet formulated my thoughts well enough for a post of my own. Now I have, in my own fashion.
I think that passion can be a worthwhile pursuit when it is couched in the knowledge that this discovery and search is life-long, not something that a book or a blog can tell you right away.
Donald and I approach success and passion differently. I have always encouraged him to find a job that he loves (even during his year of unemployment). He wants a job with a good enough income that he can support his family. While these two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive, they do sometimes cause conflict over what is most important to us. We both want to be happy and to support our family.
Jeffrey’s post at The Art of Great Things called “In Defense of Work-Life Balance” woke me up to the fact that typical 9-5 jobs are not inherently evil. They serve many purposes, including the ones Donald has. My role then, is not to constantly push Donald to find a job he loves. My role is to help him balance his work and life and to make sure that his non-work time is what he wants it to be. My role is also to remind him every once in a while of his passions and dreams and help him find ways to realize them.
As Donald reminds me, he has the same role for me and I need to keep paying attention to my own needs. For some reason this is really hard for me. Right now, I am so focused on gearing up for having a family, especially after reading Katie’s post about 7 months of motherhood at Confessions of a Young Married Couple.
I am also acutely aware of the fact that it’s quite possible to lose myself in motherhood, when it happens, and that I desperately want to avoid the realization after 30 years of marriage that I have neglected important things, as my mother has experienced.
And so I consider the things that ignite my own passion. It is so tempting to believe that wandering off the beaten path is to be rewarded with financial success and happiness. While I don’t want to make my passions into money, I do see the value in bringing passion to the work I do, no matter what it is.
I highly recommend going through the Finding My Passion questions at Blogging Without A Blog. Donald and I went through them together, for each of us, and I learned so much about us as a couple and as individuals. The more we each express our values and priorities, the better life we can create together.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
An Update
Dear Readers,
I'm still here. My time devoted to blogging (and reading your lovely blogs) has decreased recently with an increased workload and the holidays.
Donald's new job is going as well as it possibly could. He is happy and excited and has energy and confidence. He is the man I married again, with added experience (is that like saying "Now, with chocolate chips!"?). I am so happy for him, for us. The long-distance part stinks.
I am so grateful that my relationship with my in-laws is so wonderful. I know that I have complained about it a little here before, so I wanted to clarify that I am beyond lucky. The love and acceptance and support that they give so freely is something I will never take for granted.
Donald and I had the opportunity to test each others' readiness for children. The day before Thanksgiving, the condom we were using broke. We looked at each other, discussed our options, and decided that we were just going to wait and see what happened. Even though I started my period two days later (no alcohol on Thanksgiving for me!), it was a wonderful experience, knowing that we had so much faith and trust in everything working out and that we are both completely ready for kids. The time will come.
My struggle with my relationship with my mom will be ongoing and I will continue to write about it here. Thank you for the support and encouragement you have given me so far. I will definitely be communicating with her and the rest of my family, with as open a heart as I can muster.
I'm also working on writing about my thoughts and observations about marriage in general. I'll be kicking off the conversation with a post on Lisis' blog Quest For Balance. I'll let you know when that happens.
My work supporting Veterans is ongoing. I hope to share my thoughts about this with all of you as well. If any of you have questions about this, please let me know. While this can be a very personal topic, please feel free to speak up, even if you don't know whether we agree or disagree.
I observed something important in the last week or two that I want to share with all of you, that I think will be touching everything I do for some time.
When you think something is impossible to fix, work backwards until you find something you have control over, and fix that. All of the little "fixes" we do will help the big thing get fixed as well.
When we recognize the negative things in our surroundings, we should take action to improve those things. Or, we should decide that those things are not important enough to fix, and then stop bringing them up. No one person can fix everything; each of us should find our niche and work within that, knowing that all of us together will address most of the world's problems. You will find what you care most about and you will make a difference.
With faith, love, and peace,
Daphne
I'm still here. My time devoted to blogging (and reading your lovely blogs) has decreased recently with an increased workload and the holidays.
Donald's new job is going as well as it possibly could. He is happy and excited and has energy and confidence. He is the man I married again, with added experience (is that like saying "Now, with chocolate chips!"?). I am so happy for him, for us. The long-distance part stinks.
I am so grateful that my relationship with my in-laws is so wonderful. I know that I have complained about it a little here before, so I wanted to clarify that I am beyond lucky. The love and acceptance and support that they give so freely is something I will never take for granted.
Donald and I had the opportunity to test each others' readiness for children. The day before Thanksgiving, the condom we were using broke. We looked at each other, discussed our options, and decided that we were just going to wait and see what happened. Even though I started my period two days later (no alcohol on Thanksgiving for me!), it was a wonderful experience, knowing that we had so much faith and trust in everything working out and that we are both completely ready for kids. The time will come.
My struggle with my relationship with my mom will be ongoing and I will continue to write about it here. Thank you for the support and encouragement you have given me so far. I will definitely be communicating with her and the rest of my family, with as open a heart as I can muster.
I'm also working on writing about my thoughts and observations about marriage in general. I'll be kicking off the conversation with a post on Lisis' blog Quest For Balance. I'll let you know when that happens.
My work supporting Veterans is ongoing. I hope to share my thoughts about this with all of you as well. If any of you have questions about this, please let me know. While this can be a very personal topic, please feel free to speak up, even if you don't know whether we agree or disagree.
I observed something important in the last week or two that I want to share with all of you, that I think will be touching everything I do for some time.
When you think something is impossible to fix, work backwards until you find something you have control over, and fix that. All of the little "fixes" we do will help the big thing get fixed as well.
When we recognize the negative things in our surroundings, we should take action to improve those things. Or, we should decide that those things are not important enough to fix, and then stop bringing them up. No one person can fix everything; each of us should find our niche and work within that, knowing that all of us together will address most of the world's problems. You will find what you care most about and you will make a difference.
With faith, love, and peace,
Daphne
Monday, November 9, 2009
To All The Dogs I Have Ever Known
I am so, so sorry.
I didn't know how to act around you.
I didn't know how to trust you because I didn't understand you.
I withheld my affection because I thought it would change your behavior.
Instead, you tried harder and didn't know how because I didn't show you.
All you want to do is make me happy. And I wouldn't let you.
----------------------------------
Through a conversation with Donald, and a dog-loving friend, and from reading about how to handle toddlers and tantrums on Zen Family Habits, I realized that my conditional love for the family dog is a detrimental situation.
Donald wants a dog; he's a dog-person. We already have two cats; I'm a cat-person. In a conversation last night about my relationship with the family dog, though, it seemed as though I am not only not a dog-person, but that I might even be anti-dog. As in, I might not want a dog at all.
This realization crushed me. I felt like I had failed Donald, that I was standing in the way of his happiness by preventing us from getting a dog. I didn't want that to be the case. I went to bed disappointed.
I woke up this morning feeling disgruntled. I wanted to impose my will on the dog, to make her well-behaved so I could show her affection. Needless to say, it didn't work.
And then I read about the toddlers, and how "your child is a little person having trouble expressing themselves right now". And I realized.... dogs are like perpetual toddlers. They won't be able to express themselves any better than they do now. They depend on me to show them what to do, to show them how to make me happy.
While I do not fear my ability to show a toddler love, even when they are throwing a tantrum, I need to understand that discipline for a dog does not need to come with disapproval. That, in fact, discipline from the perspective of affection and teaching will probably go much further and be much more enjoyable for all involved.
I was afraid to show affection for the dog because I thought it would undermine my authority over her, my role as pack leader. I thought showing love would make me weak.
Have I not been listening?
Today, I am going to change my behavior. I don't have to like it when she licks me or barks. I do have to let her be a dog. I owe it to Donald (and to myself and to the dog) to try. If I truly do not want a dog, it will become clear and I will accept it.
I need to open the door to possibility first. I need to open my heart and let go of the fear.
I didn't know how to act around you.
I didn't know how to trust you because I didn't understand you.
I withheld my affection because I thought it would change your behavior.
Instead, you tried harder and didn't know how because I didn't show you.
All you want to do is make me happy. And I wouldn't let you.
----------------------------------
Through a conversation with Donald, and a dog-loving friend, and from reading about how to handle toddlers and tantrums on Zen Family Habits, I realized that my conditional love for the family dog is a detrimental situation.
Donald wants a dog; he's a dog-person. We already have two cats; I'm a cat-person. In a conversation last night about my relationship with the family dog, though, it seemed as though I am not only not a dog-person, but that I might even be anti-dog. As in, I might not want a dog at all.
This realization crushed me. I felt like I had failed Donald, that I was standing in the way of his happiness by preventing us from getting a dog. I didn't want that to be the case. I went to bed disappointed.
I woke up this morning feeling disgruntled. I wanted to impose my will on the dog, to make her well-behaved so I could show her affection. Needless to say, it didn't work.
And then I read about the toddlers, and how "your child is a little person having trouble expressing themselves right now". And I realized.... dogs are like perpetual toddlers. They won't be able to express themselves any better than they do now. They depend on me to show them what to do, to show them how to make me happy.
While I do not fear my ability to show a toddler love, even when they are throwing a tantrum, I need to understand that discipline for a dog does not need to come with disapproval. That, in fact, discipline from the perspective of affection and teaching will probably go much further and be much more enjoyable for all involved.
I was afraid to show affection for the dog because I thought it would undermine my authority over her, my role as pack leader. I thought showing love would make me weak.
Have I not been listening?
Today, I am going to change my behavior. I don't have to like it when she licks me or barks. I do have to let her be a dog. I owe it to Donald (and to myself and to the dog) to try. If I truly do not want a dog, it will become clear and I will accept it.
I need to open the door to possibility first. I need to open my heart and let go of the fear.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Answers
I'm back from my travels and happily greeted by smiling faces in my kitchen with caring and insightful questions. I thought the best way to respond to them would be in a new post. See below.
suZen asked, "What makes your heart sing? What flower best reflects your personality? And if you could ask anyone else (living or dead) to have coffee with us - who?"
My heart sings when I see or think of fields leading to mountains, both covered in green, flowing grass and sparse little wildflowers, the sky grey and trembling with thunderheads, a breeze tossing my hair around, bringing the scent of clean, refreshing rain. I feel free and wild.
My heart also sings when I think of our future children, how I will hold them, dress them, bathe them, sing and read to them, watch them sleep, and dream with them. I already have so many hopes for their futures and I am so excited to teach them and learn from them.
I had to think hard about the flower question. I'm ashamed to admit that I went straight to the internet to find some "what flower are you?" quizzes. The scary thing is, the two I tried came up with the same answer, which was one of the flowers bouncing around in my mind before I looked at the quizzes. I am a lily.
If I could ask anyone else, living or dead, to have coffee with us, it would be my great-grandmother, Nana. She died when I was in middle school just before her 100th birthday and I think of her often. I want to be able to ask her questions about our family and about my journey. She lived through so many amazing and challenging times. I want to learn from her, through her own words.
jchristin asked, "Well, first, what is your favorite baked good, and what is your favorite beverage? And my favorite question to get to know someone is what is it that truly makes your heart happy, and what is the first thing you think to do when you have precious "free" time....."
My favorite baked good is probably the chocolate chip cookie bars my grandmother made. My favorite beverage is probably sparkling fruit juice.
My heart is truly happy when it sings about the things I wrote above. The first thing I do with free time is... Well, I suppose that depends on what free time is. I have a hard time concentrating if our space isn't picked up and clean. For example, I had free time this morning before I went to work and I cleaned the bathroom. No joke. Then I paid bills. I love having time to get productive things done.
True free time, though, would probably be a toss up between walking with Donald, writing, and gardening. Video games do pop themselves in there sometimes though - they relax me.
Sandi asked, "My question to you would be If you were a house, what would you be like? A rambler, a colonial, a Cape Cod? How many rooms and what room is your favorite? Can you describe it for me?"
I love this question! I would like to beg off answering it yet - I think it needs its own post and I want to think it through carefully.
Wilma asked, "My favorite question is how do you like to spend your holidays and what was the one you remember the best?"
I like to spend my holidays surrounded by family, in any setting (our house, their houses, a destination location). Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably the biggest for our families. The best ones were probably those held at one of my grandparents' homes because we didn't get to see them more than once a year or so when I was growing up. The true gift was spending time with them, even if we didn't always appreciate that at the time.
Thank you so much for all of these questions! I look forward to more!
suZen asked, "What makes your heart sing? What flower best reflects your personality? And if you could ask anyone else (living or dead) to have coffee with us - who?"
My heart sings when I see or think of fields leading to mountains, both covered in green, flowing grass and sparse little wildflowers, the sky grey and trembling with thunderheads, a breeze tossing my hair around, bringing the scent of clean, refreshing rain. I feel free and wild.
My heart also sings when I think of our future children, how I will hold them, dress them, bathe them, sing and read to them, watch them sleep, and dream with them. I already have so many hopes for their futures and I am so excited to teach them and learn from them.
I had to think hard about the flower question. I'm ashamed to admit that I went straight to the internet to find some "what flower are you?" quizzes. The scary thing is, the two I tried came up with the same answer, which was one of the flowers bouncing around in my mind before I looked at the quizzes. I am a lily.
If I could ask anyone else, living or dead, to have coffee with us, it would be my great-grandmother, Nana. She died when I was in middle school just before her 100th birthday and I think of her often. I want to be able to ask her questions about our family and about my journey. She lived through so many amazing and challenging times. I want to learn from her, through her own words.
jchristin asked, "Well, first, what is your favorite baked good, and what is your favorite beverage? And my favorite question to get to know someone is what is it that truly makes your heart happy, and what is the first thing you think to do when you have precious "free" time....."
My favorite baked good is probably the chocolate chip cookie bars my grandmother made. My favorite beverage is probably sparkling fruit juice.
My heart is truly happy when it sings about the things I wrote above. The first thing I do with free time is... Well, I suppose that depends on what free time is. I have a hard time concentrating if our space isn't picked up and clean. For example, I had free time this morning before I went to work and I cleaned the bathroom. No joke. Then I paid bills. I love having time to get productive things done.
True free time, though, would probably be a toss up between walking with Donald, writing, and gardening. Video games do pop themselves in there sometimes though - they relax me.
Sandi asked, "My question to you would be If you were a house, what would you be like? A rambler, a colonial, a Cape Cod? How many rooms and what room is your favorite? Can you describe it for me?"
I love this question! I would like to beg off answering it yet - I think it needs its own post and I want to think it through carefully.
Wilma asked, "My favorite question is how do you like to spend your holidays and what was the one you remember the best?"
I like to spend my holidays surrounded by family, in any setting (our house, their houses, a destination location). Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably the biggest for our families. The best ones were probably those held at one of my grandparents' homes because we didn't get to see them more than once a year or so when I was growing up. The true gift was spending time with them, even if we didn't always appreciate that at the time.
Thank you so much for all of these questions! I look forward to more!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finding My Way While Treading Water on a Rollercoaster
Yesterday I found another potential application of my skills, interests, and talent. I was reminded that I had looked into professional organizing several years ago, and had forgotten about it until yesterday.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.
The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.
I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.
Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.
I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.
I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.
I have what I need and I am content.
I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.
Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.
The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.
I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.
So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.
When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.
After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.
All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.
It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.
I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.
When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.
The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.
We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.
I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.
Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.
Breathe. Faith. Smile.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Baby Steps
I had an appointment with a new ob/gyn to get established as a new patient. As I sat there in my medical gown with a sheet over my lap, I fidgeted with a piece of paper in my hand. The night before, Donald and I had written some questions I needed to ask. When my doctor came in and introduced herself, she saw the paper and had me ask my questions first thing.
I told her that we're planning for me to stop taking birth control pills as soon as this pack is done (October 2). I wanted to know what the side effects might be since I've been on the pill for about ten years now. I also wanted to know what steps we needed to take to prepare for our eventual decision to conceive. I am already taking prenatal vitamins, so that was covered. She said we should wait three months before using no birth control at all to give my body time to adjust to being off the pill. She wrote a lab order for a rubella immunity test. She exuded very positive energy, walked me through the steps, and made it all sound so easy. I did the blood work that afternoon.
I am still trying to internalize the magnitude of these baby steps Donald and I have just taken together. We are heading towards a very new and exciting adventure together. We are also on our way to a huge amount of change and unknown.
In addition to this excitement, I also experienced a sudden sense of trepidation. What if this next step means that a lot of the things that I still want to do with my life will never happen? I started to think about what kinds of choices I would have made with my life if I hadn't gotten married right after grad school. I wasn't regretting marrying Donald; I simply wanted to consider what I would have done if it were just me, no other commitments. I was concerned to discover that I think I would have made some pretty different choices.
I will hedge here and say that who I was five years ago when I graduated from graduate school is not the same person as who I am now. So saying that I would have made different choices at that time in my life, from the perspective of my current being, is somewhat problematic. It does tell me, however, what is important to my individual development, what is important to making me who I want to be.
Having children is so important to me and to us. I want to give motherhood the proper time and effort it deserves. And at the same time, I want to give myself the opportunity to continue to grow as an individual. Several bloggers have written bucket lists for themselves. I'm not ready to write an entire one now, although these are some of the things that come to mind at the moment:
*See what it is like to live on/near a ranch where I can ride horses daily.
*Learn how to do some trick riding, especially the barrel roll.
*Live somewhere with open plains and mountains in the distance.
The next steps that Donald and I take together may not seem headed in a direction that might make these things happen. We currently live in the mid-Atlantic region and Donald's recent job prospects are relatively nearby. We are not moving West. This area tends to have English riding rather than Western.
When I talked to Donald about this, though, he reminded me that I can still work towards these things, no matter where we live. We can take vacations at dude ranches or working ranches. I can learn about horse care from anyone willing to teach me. If these are important things to me, we will find a way to make them happen.
Baby steps towards children and baby steps towards becoming who we want to be, as individuals and as a couple.
I told her that we're planning for me to stop taking birth control pills as soon as this pack is done (October 2). I wanted to know what the side effects might be since I've been on the pill for about ten years now. I also wanted to know what steps we needed to take to prepare for our eventual decision to conceive. I am already taking prenatal vitamins, so that was covered. She said we should wait three months before using no birth control at all to give my body time to adjust to being off the pill. She wrote a lab order for a rubella immunity test. She exuded very positive energy, walked me through the steps, and made it all sound so easy. I did the blood work that afternoon.
I am still trying to internalize the magnitude of these baby steps Donald and I have just taken together. We are heading towards a very new and exciting adventure together. We are also on our way to a huge amount of change and unknown.
In addition to this excitement, I also experienced a sudden sense of trepidation. What if this next step means that a lot of the things that I still want to do with my life will never happen? I started to think about what kinds of choices I would have made with my life if I hadn't gotten married right after grad school. I wasn't regretting marrying Donald; I simply wanted to consider what I would have done if it were just me, no other commitments. I was concerned to discover that I think I would have made some pretty different choices.
I will hedge here and say that who I was five years ago when I graduated from graduate school is not the same person as who I am now. So saying that I would have made different choices at that time in my life, from the perspective of my current being, is somewhat problematic. It does tell me, however, what is important to my individual development, what is important to making me who I want to be.
Having children is so important to me and to us. I want to give motherhood the proper time and effort it deserves. And at the same time, I want to give myself the opportunity to continue to grow as an individual. Several bloggers have written bucket lists for themselves. I'm not ready to write an entire one now, although these are some of the things that come to mind at the moment:
*See what it is like to live on/near a ranch where I can ride horses daily.
*Learn how to do some trick riding, especially the barrel roll.
*Live somewhere with open plains and mountains in the distance.
The next steps that Donald and I take together may not seem headed in a direction that might make these things happen. We currently live in the mid-Atlantic region and Donald's recent job prospects are relatively nearby. We are not moving West. This area tends to have English riding rather than Western.
When I talked to Donald about this, though, he reminded me that I can still work towards these things, no matter where we live. We can take vacations at dude ranches or working ranches. I can learn about horse care from anyone willing to teach me. If these are important things to me, we will find a way to make them happen.
Baby steps towards children and baby steps towards becoming who we want to be, as individuals and as a couple.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Parenting
With the prospect of having our own household again dancing tantalizingly in the near future, Donald took me for a walk. Walks have often been our time to discuss our hopes and dreams, to plan for our futures and consider important truths. This time, he wanted to reconfirm that our previous sense of balance between parenting, careers, and maintaining our marriage, was still something that I agreed with.
Donald outlined what we had agreed upon before: he would work full-time, I would work until our first child was born, and then (assuming financial stability) I would be a full-time mom. Raising our children needed to be first priority and extra activities should not detract from it.
I kept walking, but my mind was racing. Did Donald want my identity to be solely that of mother and devoted wife? Was he asking me to never have a career or to have my own interests or activities?
Donald, familiar with what my silences mean, asked me to tell him what I was thinking. I started talking, brainstorming as I went. I said that I would always want to be involved in the community and to make a meaningful contribution, but that I did not have to have a paid job or a traditional career. I said that I wanted to put our children first, but that I also wanted to develop myself as an individual. I might get involved in things like the PTA, which is child-related, but I might also seek out a book club or historical society to challenge myself mentally and emotionally. I encouraged Donald to think about doing the same, to avoid spending all of his time only on work and kids. He needed guys' nights out and activities only for him.
As we were talking, I realized that we had left something out. We had talked about our roles as parents and as individuals. We had not yet said anything of our roles as spouses. I know that my own parents neglected this part of their relationship when they had children, and thirty years later are just now trying to put the pieces back together. This kind of thing happens too often. I will not allow it to happen to Donald and me because of neglect.
I truly think that making time for each other will be the most challenging part of our relationship when we add children to our lives. It is so easy to focus on the things that scream (literally) instead of on the things that suffer silently. We will need to work hard to provide opportunities for ourselves and each other to grow together. I will need to learn how to stop being silent and to ask for what I need, for what our relationship needs.
Now is the time to practice.
Donald outlined what we had agreed upon before: he would work full-time, I would work until our first child was born, and then (assuming financial stability) I would be a full-time mom. Raising our children needed to be first priority and extra activities should not detract from it.
I kept walking, but my mind was racing. Did Donald want my identity to be solely that of mother and devoted wife? Was he asking me to never have a career or to have my own interests or activities?
Donald, familiar with what my silences mean, asked me to tell him what I was thinking. I started talking, brainstorming as I went. I said that I would always want to be involved in the community and to make a meaningful contribution, but that I did not have to have a paid job or a traditional career. I said that I wanted to put our children first, but that I also wanted to develop myself as an individual. I might get involved in things like the PTA, which is child-related, but I might also seek out a book club or historical society to challenge myself mentally and emotionally. I encouraged Donald to think about doing the same, to avoid spending all of his time only on work and kids. He needed guys' nights out and activities only for him.
As we were talking, I realized that we had left something out. We had talked about our roles as parents and as individuals. We had not yet said anything of our roles as spouses. I know that my own parents neglected this part of their relationship when they had children, and thirty years later are just now trying to put the pieces back together. This kind of thing happens too often. I will not allow it to happen to Donald and me because of neglect.
I truly think that making time for each other will be the most challenging part of our relationship when we add children to our lives. It is so easy to focus on the things that scream (literally) instead of on the things that suffer silently. We will need to work hard to provide opportunities for ourselves and each other to grow together. I will need to learn how to stop being silent and to ask for what I need, for what our relationship needs.
Now is the time to practice.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Progress?
I have written before about our desire to have children. We may have made a decision that gets us one step closer to that goal.
We have decided that after my next pack of pills, I will stop taking them. Maybe forever.
This means that as of October 7, I will be on my way to clearing the path for pregnancy. My doctor has said that we should wait three months between going off of the pill and using no birth control at all. This would mean that we could start 2010 with a bang!
I'm trying not to let this mean anything. We haven't decided that it's time to have kids. We've just decided that it's time to be ready to have kids. I haven't told anyone. Telling people gives it weight it shouldn't have, at least not yet.
My mom would certainly be one to make assumptions. She read me the riot act a few weeks ago when I confided in her about my baby fever craziness. She went off the deep end, ranting about how silly it was for us to be so responsible and that maybe I should listen to my body instead. I understood her point and I think the ferocity of her words took us both by surprise.
Even though none of them have stated it, our four parents are ready for grandchildren. I have watched my father, a reserved and thoughtful man, ogle at young babies to make them laugh, his face lighting up when they smile at him. When my in-laws visited family a few weeks ago, including the relatively new children of Donald's cousins, they returned home full of stories about how cute the kids were and with comments about the cousins' parenting styles. And clearly, even though I haven't witnessed my mother making eyes at babies lately, she feels the need too.
The thought of making them grandparents makes me melt. The only thing that trumps it is the expression I picture on Donald's face when he holds his children for the first time. That image keeps me going no matter what lies ahead.
We have decided that after my next pack of pills, I will stop taking them. Maybe forever.
This means that as of October 7, I will be on my way to clearing the path for pregnancy. My doctor has said that we should wait three months between going off of the pill and using no birth control at all. This would mean that we could start 2010 with a bang!
I'm trying not to let this mean anything. We haven't decided that it's time to have kids. We've just decided that it's time to be ready to have kids. I haven't told anyone. Telling people gives it weight it shouldn't have, at least not yet.
My mom would certainly be one to make assumptions. She read me the riot act a few weeks ago when I confided in her about my baby fever craziness. She went off the deep end, ranting about how silly it was for us to be so responsible and that maybe I should listen to my body instead. I understood her point and I think the ferocity of her words took us both by surprise.
Even though none of them have stated it, our four parents are ready for grandchildren. I have watched my father, a reserved and thoughtful man, ogle at young babies to make them laugh, his face lighting up when they smile at him. When my in-laws visited family a few weeks ago, including the relatively new children of Donald's cousins, they returned home full of stories about how cute the kids were and with comments about the cousins' parenting styles. And clearly, even though I haven't witnessed my mother making eyes at babies lately, she feels the need too.
The thought of making them grandparents makes me melt. The only thing that trumps it is the expression I picture on Donald's face when he holds his children for the first time. That image keeps me going no matter what lies ahead.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Monthly Reminder
Donald and I want to have children. And while we know that we will never have enough money to afford to have kids, we still want to be responsible about being able to take care of them. So we say, once Donald has a job, we can have kids.
It would be nice if I really thought it would be that easy. And every month that goes by, I hear a voice in my head saying, "There goes another one!" Hopefully also a monthly reminder that I'm capable of bearing children.
I have been on the pill for over 10 years straight and I have no idea what my body is going to do when I stop. Some of our friends have had children with no trouble. Many more of our friends have had trouble of one kind or another, some eventually successful, and some not. Some have adopted. Some have stopped trying. All of them have struggled, and hopefully all of them will eventually make peace with whatever life throws at them. I will not judge other people's reproductive choices here; I simply want to acknowledge that the ability to conceive, carry to term, and bear children is something that should never be taken for granted.
I'm also acutely aware that many children are not born healthy and I try to prepare myself mentally for that possibility. Donald and I have faith that we can handle whatever we are handed, but knowing that doesn't quiet the voice that says, "What if...". Which makes me all the more determined not to jump into raising a family too quickly, to give us time to prepare for any child that comes into our lives and for the process of making that happen.
So, that's the rational Daphne talking. The irrational Daphne, who tends to burst through at inconvenient times, says "I felt nauseous this morning! I could be pregnant!" and "What if it takes us six years to conceive? We need to get a MOVE ON!" I often feel like my uterus and my brain are having an epic battle, one trying to sway the other, tugging on my emotions and my sanity. I convince myself that I could be pregnant because I was two hours late taking my pill the night before. Or that we could somehow forget that we want to have children and twenty years later we'll suddenly remember. It feels like pure madness and while I make jokes about it, I worry that when we actually are ready, when it actually is possible for me to get pregnant, that I'll pressure myself into sterility.
I've been "baby crazy" for about two years at this point. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows (Ha!), but most of the time, it's a calming feeling, a sense that I know that part of who I am will be in full bloom when I become a mother. I just have to keep my internal organs from fighting it out until that can happen.
Do you have baby fever? Did you have trouble having children?
It would be nice if I really thought it would be that easy. And every month that goes by, I hear a voice in my head saying, "There goes another one!" Hopefully also a monthly reminder that I'm capable of bearing children.
I have been on the pill for over 10 years straight and I have no idea what my body is going to do when I stop. Some of our friends have had children with no trouble. Many more of our friends have had trouble of one kind or another, some eventually successful, and some not. Some have adopted. Some have stopped trying. All of them have struggled, and hopefully all of them will eventually make peace with whatever life throws at them. I will not judge other people's reproductive choices here; I simply want to acknowledge that the ability to conceive, carry to term, and bear children is something that should never be taken for granted.
I'm also acutely aware that many children are not born healthy and I try to prepare myself mentally for that possibility. Donald and I have faith that we can handle whatever we are handed, but knowing that doesn't quiet the voice that says, "What if...". Which makes me all the more determined not to jump into raising a family too quickly, to give us time to prepare for any child that comes into our lives and for the process of making that happen.
So, that's the rational Daphne talking. The irrational Daphne, who tends to burst through at inconvenient times, says "I felt nauseous this morning! I could be pregnant!" and "What if it takes us six years to conceive? We need to get a MOVE ON!" I often feel like my uterus and my brain are having an epic battle, one trying to sway the other, tugging on my emotions and my sanity. I convince myself that I could be pregnant because I was two hours late taking my pill the night before. Or that we could somehow forget that we want to have children and twenty years later we'll suddenly remember. It feels like pure madness and while I make jokes about it, I worry that when we actually are ready, when it actually is possible for me to get pregnant, that I'll pressure myself into sterility.
I've been "baby crazy" for about two years at this point. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows (Ha!), but most of the time, it's a calming feeling, a sense that I know that part of who I am will be in full bloom when I become a mother. I just have to keep my internal organs from fighting it out until that can happen.
Do you have baby fever? Did you have trouble having children?
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