Pretending that we are independent adults while the in-laws are gone makes the fact that we are not living on our own worse, not better. I watched President Obama's speech on TV last night and some of the things I observed were very discouraging. I feel completely daunted in my desire for people to communicate better.
I am in a foul mood today. I could see the low, dark clouds in the distance for the past few days, and today, it is here. I feel tired. I feel like I might be getting sick. I feel apathy and no motivation. Everything is too hard. It takes all of my energy to be civil. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. And I am tired of waiting.
I'm having a fight with myself. I say, "You're acting like a two-year-old. You have control over some of this. Stand up, be a woman, and take charge of what you can change and let everything else go!" I respond, "Shut up and leave me alone! I get to be grumpy if I want to be! It's too hard! It's not worth it anymore! I just want to go home and crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or until the waiting is over!"
I can almost always see a silver lining, even when things are hard. Today all I see are flaws. There's a hole in my shirt, which means that my wardrobe is falling apart, and we have no money for me to replace my clothing, and getting dressed in the morning is hard enough as it is without having to worry about my choices decreasing. I just found out that there's a meeting in ten minutes that I wasn't invited to and am still expected to attend. I am so bored at work. I don't feel like I have the skills or abilities to make things better. My phone keeps ringing and it is always a wrong number, a mis-dial for a high traffic conference call line; it happens seven times a day on average.
I try to laugh. I would rather cry.
I don't want to live my life this way anymore and I don't know how to fix it. It is really hard not to shove some blame towards Donald, even though I know that it isn't his fault and blaming him doesn't help anything. So I end up angry with myself, a debilitating, why do I even try rage. I have been on a high horse, telling myself that I am better than other people so that I can mask my low self-esteem, telling myself that I can do anything I put my mind to so that I do not despair when I look around and see little success.
I need a hug. And probably a kick in the pants too.
Oh, Daphne... I wish I had read this on the day you posted it. You really needed a hug that day. Not so much a kick in the pants, just a reminder that what you are going through is normal. We all have super sucky days, and that's just part of the deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for sharing that openly here. Too many people try to pretend everything is perfect all the time... and it's simply not true.
I have had a good many of these days, more than I care to recount. All I can tell you is, eventually, they pass so we can laugh again.
(here's a belated virtual hug) :)
Lisis - I wish you had too, but we hadn't discovered each other yet. Writing this post really helped me to talk myself into a better mood. In Puzzle Pieces I touched on how dangerous it can be for a marriage to constantly pretend that everything is perfect. It's true for individuals as well. Thanks again for your encouragement and support. We will laugh again (thanks for the hug).
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