Breathe

Inhale the good, exhale the bad.
Breathe in to gather the negative things together and breathe out to expel them forever.

Breathe in.
Frustrated drivers honking in traffic.

Breathe out.
Wind blowing through nearby aspen trees.

Breathe in.
People walk by, instantly judged.

Breathe out.
Release internal dialogue. Stand, mind quiet, eyes closed.

Breathe in.
Tummy rumbles, impatient for dinner.

Breathe out.
Shoulders relax down, away from my ears.

Breathe in.
So cold.

Breathe out.
Clouds break, sun warms my back.

Breathe in. 
My reflection, met with a frown, analyzing.
 
Breathe out.
Forgive and embrace me.
 
Breathe in. 
Waiting for job news.
 
Breathe out.
Determined faith.

More Inspiration

I updated my list of inspiring blogs in my sidebar. They are all worth visiting, often.

I keep finding new blogs to follow and new inspiration in the ones I already follow. Since I am still internalizing a lot of the things I have been learning, I'd like to take the opportunity to write about other people instead of myself.

First, I'd like to note Dani at positively present for her 14 reasons to fall in love with fall. Summer used to be my favorite season. Fall has surpassed it with flying colors (ha!) now that I know what fall can truly be. I didn't grow up with real fall and now that I experience the things Dani writes about, I join her in her enthusiasm and passion for the sense of change, the colors in the leaves, and the sounds and smells that come with autumn.

I enjoyed watching the video that Tess posted on The Bold Life under Rapping Southwest Flight Attendant. It's wonderful to witness people doing something out of the ordinary, which takes courage, and having it turn out so well that it lifts people's moods. I admire the attendant in the video for finding a way to make something very mundane exciting and new instead.

I recently discovered Urban Monk and I am really looking forward to reading and implementing the articles about Finding a Purpose and Passion in Life.

Now that I have laid out some of the changes I want to make in my life, I am happy to be reminded by Leo at Zen Habits that I should take things slowly. His post, entitled The Slow Secret: How to Make Lasting Changes in Your Life, outlines the wonderful benefits of slowing down. I have a feeling that this will help me in my goal to be in the present more often, too.

Mommy Mystic's post called LOVE- The Story of a Life, of Any Life brought me to tears with her words. Her story about her friend Matt who died at a young age is a poignant example of the way each of us can have an impact on the world by simply living our lives with love. The power of her words reminds me that even the little things matter and gives me the strength to keep going each day even if I don't accompish anything particularly noteworthy in the short-term.

I really enjoyed reading Ian's post on Quantum Learning called A world of deals and exchanges. His suggestion to try to make eye contact with people you encounter is something that I have tried to do before and it is truly surprising how difficult it can be, and how wonderful it is when you do manage to lock eyes with a stranger for a second. Our assumptions definitely get in the way of having happy exchanges with people as we maneuver through life. What can we do to act with a little more faith in humanity without feeling betrayed or endangered if our faith is returned with distrust? Maybe our positive actions will catch on.

The new blog that really jumped out for me in my exploring yesterday is Lisis' Quest For Balance. I would like to highlight three of her posts here. First, her post on Depression: The Long, Dark Road gave me some insight into what depression was/is like for her to deal with, and had me wondering what it feels like for Donald. I think he's mostly past his depression now, yet it's still good to understand what he was going through, especially if he encounters it again.

I think anyone having a bad day (or worse) can implement the suggestion to "focus on the centerline" and keep going a little longer. I'm using this idea now to get through the next couple weeks of waiting to hear news on Donald's current job prospect. Getting closer somehow makes it even harder.

Lisis also posted The Basic Needs: Just Be. This is a wonderful piece because it reminds her readers to simplify all the way back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It has definitely helped me to focus on the basics before getting caught up with the more complex things. Amazingly, meeting basic needs often simplifies the more complicated things or shows us that those things aren't really necessary.

The final post from Lisis that caught my attention is Adventure: How to Get From Fear to Faith. I was hesitant as I started to read this post, mostly because faith means different things to different people and I wasn't sure that she would share my sense of it. I absolutely love what she writes, that "what you believe is not as important as that you believe in something." She goes on to show how this can relate to everyone, no matter their religious or spiritual level of being. I will be doing my best to implement this idea. It will help me be in the present, let go of control, be less anxious, and trust that everything will work out.

Thanks for reading! I hope you visit and enjoy each of these blogs. I'd love to hear about the ones that have impacted you and how you have implemented what you read to make a difference in your life. Thank you to each of these bloggers for contributing in such a valuable way to the blogging community!

Willingness to Fail

I have received some very wonderful feedback on my last post Self-Esteem and Making Mistakes. I feel the need to follow up on some things I said. First, I want to acknowledge some recent posts that speak to avoiding assumptions, over-analyzing, and judging.

Naveen Lakkur posted on Active Garage asking Are you diving deep into the matters? He includes a very relevant story that perfectly illustrates the dangers of judging and making assumptions. Ivan Capuzano writes How To Have New Eyes To See The World, about avoiding over-analyzation. His post gives great tips on how to see everything going on around you for what it is, without labels or analysis. Nadine Laman at First Draft also addresses the pitfalls of labeling others in her post called PC.

Okay, back to the title topic now. I realized after reading the comments from suZen and Mindy that I should probably give myself a little more credit. All of my self-esteem is not dependent upon doing everything right and being the best. It is definitely a very strong drive in me and certainly gets in the way when I consider trying something new. However, I read back through all of my blog entries thus far and found quite a lot of uplifting things. Apparently I need to listen to myself a little more.

A post on communicatrix gave me a much needed reminder that failing is part of living without fear. A willingness to fail is also a willingness to try something new, to learn from our mistakes, to improve things around us. Many of the best inventions and discoveries came from failure. Some of my best experiences recently have only happened because I was willing to do something spontaneous without knowing the outcome first. I need to take strength from the times that letting go has worked so well, proof that I do not have to be in control or prepared for every contingency.

I have had a good journey so far through my blog. I have gone from thinking that my way is to help other people handle conflict more appropriately to understanding that my way right now should be in adjusting my life and my attitude so that I can embrace whatever opportunities come my way. I need to trust that my path will become clear once I am in the right frame of mind to see it. Just typing that feels so freeing!

My posts and my blogging friends have taught me the following:
* I will soften in the face of conflict. I will address conflict. I will not place blame.
* I will do everything I can to simply be in the present, enjoying the learning process, engaged in what I am doing at that moment.
* In order to cultivate inner peace, I will relinquish control. I will accept that there are many unknowns and that I am not responsible for knowing them until they are shown to me. I will be patient.
* I deserve to be more forgiving of myself, accepting of failure, and allowed to make mistakes. I do not have to be the best at anything. I do not have to do anything right the first time. I will give myself credit when I do something right.
* I will be motivated by a desire to understand others, not by a desire to be right. I will engage in conversation with others with a willingness to be changed. I will not try to change or control others. I will be more accepting of others and not judgemental. I will be competitive with myself, and no one else.
* I will give myself permission to be open to opportunity and willing to embrace challenges. I will be more flexible and spontaneous. I might even be daring. I will stretch myself and be empowered. I will give myself realistic expectations.
* I will stop talking about it and do it; I will take action. I will listen with no agenda and no internal dialogue. I will think before I speak, and hopefully, say less.
* I will act with authenticity and integrity. I will express gratitide, compassion, humility, and grace. I will own my choices and I will choose to act in line with my values.
* I will breathe, deeply and with purpose.
* I will make progress, gradually and surely.
* I will be the best partner to Donald by being the best partner to myself.

Nadia wrote today on Happy Lotus, The Diamond In You & How You Can Never Be Threatened. This post is such a source of inspiration and encouragement to me. She writes about the importance of being present and reminds her readers that our core is perfect and cannot be threatened. It is up to us to uncover our cores, to remove the detritus of issues and struggle and to allow ourselves to shine the way we were intended to do. Her words give me the permission I need to follow my heart and not my mind, to free myself from the past and not worry too much about the future.

Thank all of you for your help along the way. I look forward to more kitchen conversations with friends.

Self-Esteem and Making Mistakes

I came across a blog this morning that is very different from the blogs I normally read, and may stretch my readers a little. The purpose is similar and the audience is very different. It's written as a dating guide for geeks, called The Geek's Guide to Getting the Girl. Very alliterative.

I don't know if any of you have noticed from a few passing references in past posts that I have a geek streak. In some of my spare time, I play video games. I built my home computer so it would have the ability to handle World of Warcraft. My husband is a technophile. I have played Dungeons and Dragons. Donald would remind me that I am nowhere near a true geek because I have very good social skills. I do, however, suffer from low self-esteem in several areas, and while I am not a male, some of the things Elizabeth discusses in her blog strike home with me.

<watches her readership flee>

Elizabeth's post yesterday, entitled Changing Your Worldview gives a very clear and blunt message: "People with poor self-esteem are the only ones comparing themselves to other people. No one with a good sense of self-esteem cares." She goes on to say that it doesn't matter if we aren't the best at something. This is hard for me. I have written about needing to resist comparing myself to other people and to instead, compete with myself. I had not clearly connected it to self-esteem.

She also makes the suggestion to her readers that they should make a list of the things they do only because they think they ought to do them and then stop doing them. Now, obviously, if we stop taking out the trash because it is unpleasant, some pretty yucky consequences will result. This isn't her point though. The suggestion to consider what we spend our time doing and whether it is a worthwhile activity is all about addressing our priorities and making sure that we are acting in line with our values.

My self-esteem is directly connected with my need to be good at everything I do and to always do things right the first time.

Today on The Bold Life, Tess showcased Wilma's Blog in a post written by Wilma called When The Heart Guides The Mind.... Wilma writes about the wonderful things that can happen when we follow our heart and not our minds first. Deciding to follow one's heart when our mind is clearly in opposition takes an incredible amount of courage and determination. One of the things that often prevents me from ignoring my mind is my desire to do everything right the first time.

Donald and I talked about this last night before bed. I had spent an hour or two that evening playing Batman: Arkham Asylum on the XBox 360. Let me give you some background. First, I LOVE Batman. Second, Donald loves trying new video games and plays many different games in the course of a month; I try one after having it recommended highly to me and then I play it until I master it. I'm generally a one game girl. He is the one who got me to try video games in the first place; I was in graduate school. We play video games for completely different reasons and in completely different ways.

These differences translate directly into the way we live our lives. I am methodical and careful. I like to know what I'm supposed to do before I do it. Donald tries the first thing he sees and if that doesn't work, tries something else. He experiments and uses his failures to find his way to the right path. I fear failure and want to explore many paths before choosing one.

I was plodding steadily through the game last night and I entered a room with some bad guys in it. Batman has a "detective mode" that allows him to see through walls and such, so I could see how many bad guys there were. It took me a while to understand that they could not see me though, because this mode makes all of the walls look transparent and I assumed that I could be seen. I had to keep flipping back and forth between the two to get a clear picture of what I was dealing with.

One of the reasons I like this game is because much of what Batman does is sneaky. He hangs from gargoyles and sneaks up on people. He does not go rushing straight into combat, especially when the bad guys have guns. He takes his time to case the situation and is methodical in the execution of his plans. At least, he does when I'm playing him.

Donald was keeping me company and made suggestions and encouraged me to explore the room to figure out what I was supposed to do. Normally I appreciate his help because I am still a novice at video games of this type and I am not familiar with my options. For some reason though, last night, I just got more and more agitated about wanting to do it right the first time. I didn't want to try something that wasn't going to work. I wanted Batman to be perfect.

I could feel my internal four-year-old banging around inside me, saying "It's TOO HARD! I don't want to DO this anymore!" Luckily, I glanced at the clock and it was time for me to head to bed anyway, so I saved and quit.

Once we were in bed, I had relaxed enough to talk about it without whining. Donald pointed out our different gaming styles and gave me pointers about how to approach the game and its scenarios in less stressful ways. The part that really stuck out for me, though, was my apparent need to do everything right the first time. It had never been so clearly illustrated to me.

How much has that need been holding me back? I need some good challenges to start breaking that habit. Any suggestions?

Judging

Nadia at Happy Lotus wrote a post called The September Issue of My Life. The part that jumped out at me in particular is the four paragraphs above the image of the mountain lake.

Avoiding making judgements about others is a significant challenge for me, one that embarrasses me. Nadia says, "We move through our days making judgments without ever realizing that maybe there is more to a person than what we see." Every time I see someone and make a judgement about them, I challenge myself to come up with other explanations, alternatives to my assumptions. For example, a person on the road tailgating me leads to my assumption that they are a terrible driver and a real bully. Alternatives could include the possibility that they are on their way to an emergency, that they are upset because someone close to them died, or that they are really excited to be going to see their favorite band in concert. This exercise allows me to let go of my hostility towards the other person, to get out of their way, and to wish them luck.

Why are our judgements of other people almost always negative? Why don't we make positive assumptions about people? Nadia writes, "It is said in spiritual texts that when we criticize another, we are criticizing something that bothers us about ourselves." So perhaps we are negative about other people because we are negative about how we feel about ourselves. We compare ourselves to other people in order to feel good or "better", when in fact, we are criticising ourselves by doing so.

Now that I am paying attention to this more in myself, I also seem to be observing it more in other people. It's almost like judging people who judge people. The biggest challenge this has given me is when I see it in my mother-in-law. I hear criticism of other people from her more often than I realized. I get the sense that she always wants to be right. I see myself in her, the parts I do not like, and I do not know how to react to that. Do I just ignore it and focus on changing myself? It is especially an issue for me because she is family and we live with her and she might help take care of our future children, so I have more of a stake in the outcome. What if she is unhappy? What would you do?

Perhaps I should acknowledge her negative energy and turn it into motivation to change myself, to avoid this similarity with her. I cannot change her, she has to find her own way. I need a balance between finding my way and protecting myself from energies that deplete my own. Thoughts?