Kate at Newlywed & Unemployed wrote this month about a book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages. I found her review intriguing and checked out the website for the book, which includes free personal profiles for men and women to determine their love language ranking.
Donald and I both took the online personal profile quiz and then talked about our results. The outcome was so eye opening and so helpful to both of us. The results below show how each of us want to be loved, not necessarily how we show our love for others, although these are related.
My results (in order of importance) were:
Words
Touch
Time
Service
Gifts
Donald's results (in order of importance) were:
Time
Service
Touch
Gifts
Words
I actually had equally high scores on my top three, which gives Donald all sorts of options for showing his love for me. It was particularly revealing to see that Words, one of my top needs, was at the bottom for Donald. I realized that my words to him don't mean nearly so much as his words to me. It helped me see that the things I do for him and the time we spend together is more important than I had previously thought.
We also talked about my low Service need. I chalked it up to being so independent, not wanting to wait for him to open doors for me or do something for me that I could do myself. It's funny how we assume that other people want to be loved the same way we do. If I had pushed on showing most of my love for Donald through Words, I think he would have been mighty disappointed. Same thing if Donald insisted on showing his love for me by showering me with gifts. It's always nice, but not as fulfilling as other things he could do.
What are your love languages? How does this affect your relationships? Have you talked about your needs with your significant other? Do you know what their needs are?
Hi Daphne .. I think it's great that you both work together to learn more. So important to know how you can help each other ..
ReplyDeleteHaving no significant other - I can't answer your questions .. however I try and be caring for others, empathise with them, try and treat them as unique ..
I hope your house hunting etc are going well .. thinking of you - Hilary
Hi Daphne.
ReplyDeleteThese love languages work great with children as well. It made my daughters understand why one so loves presents and the other loves acts of service and of course they did the 'wrong' thing to each other.
It is a great way to show your love and clear up misunderstanding and it is actually very simple yet profound and it makes a difference knowing them. It also works at work with colleagues and of course in relationships.
Mine are acknowledgments, words and act of serve. If you want to find out what people's love language is, look at what they do for you, they will show their love through their language.
Love Wilma
Hilary - Thanks for your comment. I think the love languages can apply to any relationship, not just significant others. I learned a lot on my own about how I like to be loved.
ReplyDeleteWilma - I look forward to applying the love languages to all of my close relationships. We definitely learn about the way someone wants to be loved by watching how they love. Thank you for your comment!
I'm equally service and touch, followed closely by quality time and words with gifts dead last. Any of the questions that had me choosing between any combination of the top three were tough, but I think that touch and quality time have way more to do with my previous marriage.
ReplyDeleteAfter the car accident (for 4 years), first husband and I spent nearly every hour together since he needed someone around to help. And we couldn't have sex due to the nature of his injuries and he wasn't good at touching if it didn't mean sex.
By the time I left that marriage, I was starved for physical contact and conditioned to be around someone 24/7. But I do know that I'm perfectly happy with loads of quantity time rather than quality time, so I think the survey is accurate!
I read that book about a year ago and it provided me with insight into my marriage which had broken down at that point. Sadly, while my understanding deepened, his didn't and that's one of the reasons I will officially be a divorcee this Wednesday. It takes two to make a relationship and it is thrilling to read that you and Donald are both equally committed to yours.
ReplyDeleteKate - That makes so much sense! I think it can really help to know our own needs so that we can ask for what we need in each of our relationships. Thanks for your comment (and for posting this awesome information in the first place).
ReplyDeletePrincessKate - I'm so glad you had some insight into your marriage, even though it didn't end up working out. I hope you're stronger for the experience and I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday. Hang in there. You have support.