No decisions have yet been made about these huge life changes I am contemplating. One of the reasons for that is that Donald, in his youthful wisdom, has understood the gravity of these decisions for me and has given them to me to contemplate and decide for myself before we make a final decision together.
He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.
Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.
I am transported.
I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.
I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.
When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.