Ups and Downs

Some things have really been going my way lately. And yet, today is definitely a down day. I woke up feeling discontented and anxious, grumpy and annoyed.

I received a clean bill of health from two doctors this week, definitely a happy thing. I felt good earlier this week. I felt like things were falling into place, like I had clearance to move forward with my life again. I felt good about continuing towards starting our family.

A house came on the market that our realtor emailed us about. We're seeing it this weekend. It could be really awesome. I keep trying to picture us in a home instead of our somewhat cramped apartment. I also know that we don't have nearly enough saved yet for the down payment we want to make, and even though we could get a house for less down, we cannot afford the monthly payments if we do that. And so we wait.

Donald has been really frustrated lately with his job and his career. He has a very leadership based personality and loves to be in charge and to direct forward progress. He's very good at it, too. So it's frustrating to him that he doesn't have that much control over his career path right now. And it's frustrating to him that he isn't making a salary on par with his education and experience. Especially when we know that more money could put us into a house sooner.

I really want a guest room. And a yard.

And then I feel selfish and ungrateful. We both have jobs, and in this tough economic time, that is huge. We have a safe and comfortable place to live. We have a great marriage and we make a great team. We have two wonderful cats and an awesome (although sometimes pushy) dog. We have a good social life. We eat well and we're healthy.

That is so much good. Why aren't we happy with that?

Donald is also impatient. He feels like he's constantly moving toward better things and never arriving at them. I try to help him see that he has choices about how happy he is with what we have now. He only sees compromise and giving up his dreams. I have been where he is. I hope he can find a way to be happy now without giving up the dreams of the things he wants for himself and for us and for our family. It's a really hard thing to do.

My discontent is not connected to what we don't have yet. Instead, it seems to be more connected to a sense of disconnect, of floating, of not knowing what I want out of life. I don't feel rooted, even though my weekly yoga practice encourages rootedness so strongly. I try to remember to plant my feet and reach for the sky with my hands, like a tree, but as I do, I worry that my feet aren't planted in the right place and that what I'm reaching for isn't actually something I want.

I get in this place where things I have been absolutely, positively sure about are no longer clear to me. Like having a family. Like what I want out of my career. Like what I want to be doing with my time. And while these might seem like normal questions, they arrive in the context of wondering why we do any of these things, why I am here, what I am supposed to do with my life that will give it any meaning.

The silly part is that I have an important role in my job. My daily activities are appreciated and needed. They are at home as well, and Donald does a wonderful job of telling me how much he appreciates and loves me. Somehow that doesn't help. I don't see how my actions or activities matter in the big picture. I don't see any lasting change. I don't see a reason for being.

Before you get worried, I am not suicidal. I do not think of ending my existence. I simply float, from hour to hour, day to day, wondering where the meaning is. Wondering how I can regain my happiness, when I can see the world for the good things and feel like I have a place in it.

I feel like such a drama queen. Like I should knock it off, stop indulging these feelings and get back to reality.

I'm calling a counseling service provided by my employer this weekend. Maybe that will help. I know I need some guidance. Thanks for reading.

What's the Point?

I ask myself this question more and more often these days.

What is the point? Why am I spending my time the way I do? What am I really trying to accomplish?

I have lost interest in some things I used to enjoy very much.

I get easily frustrated and emotional when things don't work out the way I want them to. For example, Donald and I spent two hours in the car trying to run an errand, but because of traffic, we had to turn around empty handed. By the time we got home, I was in tears.

I get excited about things, like a trip to Europe with Donald I'm trying to plan, but then I lose all interest, feeling like it's probably a waste of money or that our family planning might get in the way or that we won't be able to take time off work to make the trip worthwhile.

So what's the point in trying?

I know how blessed my life is and I know that I should be feeling grateful for what I have.

But sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just don't know why I get out of bed in the morning. I feel purposeless.

I know I am loved and I know that people care about me. I try to smile and keep my head up.

But sometimes I'd rather cry until I am empty.

If I knew what was wrong, maybe I could move forward. Maybe I could say, ok, this is the hand I have been dealt, now I can figure out how to keep living. But I don't know what is wrong. I don't have the information I need.

So I float, in limbo, on automatic, until I find a way to bring some light back into my life.

I'm not unhappy, I tell Donald. I'm just not happy.

Faith Revisited

My period is over a week late. Four pregnancy tests over the last week have said "Not Pregnant".

What the heck?

My mom, mother-in-law, sister, and sister-in-law have been wonderful sources of support, sympathy, and common sense for me. When I emailed them yesterday telling them that I feel like a freak and that I did not yet have newsworthy news, I didn't realize how much I needed their input.

I am so grateful for them and for the support they give me even though we're far away from each other.

I'm feeling humbled about my do or do not attitude. While I don't believe that we're having "trouble" in any way, I have discovered that this isn't as straightforward as I had assumed.

Who knew?

I will remember that women have been getting pregnant for a long time and I will bolster my faith that it will happen for us, too. And if it doesn't, then we have all sorts of adoption options.

Maybe all of this is pushing me to relax about the whole process, to stop thinking about my cycle, to just be.

To be fair, the last month has been pretty emotionally complicated with the discovery of the cyst in my breast (it's still there) and Donald's renewed job search. I think I've gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches and figuring out how to adjust, especially when I know exactly what matters most to me and to us.

We are moving forward on so many good things:
We are starting a family and that will happen when it is supposed to happen.
We have a dog, and she's actually quite well-behaved despite some bumps along the way.
We have happy cats that have been very forgiving about this canine creature we have brought into their home.
We are learning about what kind of house makes a home for us, even if we don't end up buying one here in our new town.

Donald is growing in his career, figuring out what really matters to him and what he needs to feel successful and content in his professional life. And while my first reaction was to ask him to shut up and stick it out because we were putting down roots, dammit, I have remembered that my initial goal was for him to be happy in his professional life. That has not been achieved and while I think it can be, it may not be here. We may be moving again. This may not be the place for us to put down roots yet.

We just have to keep learning from our experiences and looking forward to make the most out of whatever comes our way next. And we'll keep up our teamwork, facing each new door as an opportunity, together.

Beginnings

A few nights ago, Donald and I were enjoying a cool evening outside looking at the stars. We realized that, a year ago, we were doing the same thing when we were living at his parents' home when he was unemployed, wondering what our lives would be like a year from then. And now we know.

We are living in our own apartment, in our own space, and in our own community. It is beautiful here and I absolutely love it.

Donald has a good job, one that is challenging and isn't always what he wants, but he's working it out and has committed to sticking with it.

I was able to make some income freelancing and I have now accepted a full-time job with a local university. I'll have a lot of responsibility and it's a new position, which means I'll have some influence over how my job description evolves and I'll have my hands in policy and procedure, which I love.

We adopted a puppy on July 1, a Rottweiler mix named Sasha:

We are moving forward with starting our family, hopefully to know more by the end of this month.

We are meeting regularly with a realtor, looking for our very first home. We are learning so much about each other and what "home" means. It has been such a wonderful way for us to develop our relationship together, although it has its challenges.

I have been enjoying a stay-at-home lifestyle, with lots of flexibility in my schedule and lots of time to get projects done. The full-time position that came along was something of a surprise, especially because I had assumed that I would be working from home, which is partially why we adopted Sasha when we did. I have to think that these things happen for a reason, though.

The income from my new position will be a great help towards purchasing a home sooner rather than later, allowing us to prepare for our growing family. Raising a puppy has started to open our eyes to the amazing world of parenting, giving us many restless nights getting up many times and inspiring many conversations about rules, training, and our desires as we make decisions together. I have discovered that I can get very angry in certain situations, and that I need to get a handle on this before we have children. I need to teach myself better ways of expressing my anger. We are gaining so much that is preparing us for what will come.

At the same time, there are bumps along the way.

I discovered a lump in my breast and I'm in the process of finding out what it is and whether it will have any impact on my health and our other plans. It seems to be a cyst, but there may be something else going on as well, so that's a bit scary. I'll find out more this coming week. I have been advised that the possibility of this being something serious is quite small, but even the tiniest chance has been a reminder to me of my mortality and I have made a very conscious decision to be even more present every day, to appreciate everything I have and to make the most of every opportunity.

I am feeling burned out with the animal shelter with which I volunteer, partially because one of the dogs I was getting to know really well decided to freak out on me, causing scratches and bruises, but also because there are some organizational issues that I'm not sure I have the energy to help fix. I'm the kind of person who is very operationally-minded, and I love to help non-profit organizations become more efficient and productive and to find ways to improve themselves. I just don't think I'm up to the challenge on this one. I have a few other things on my mind these days, I guess.

I'm redirecting my energy these days. I have a puppy to care for now. I'm spending more time with my yoga practice, using it to find balance and calm in my life despite the significant changes we have already made and the changes that we hope will come. I have a week before my new job begins and I hope to spend it preparing for what will probably be my last paid job for a long time because I plan to leave the workforce to raise our children when they arrive.

I think a lot about what my identity will be once that change occurs. My time not working since we moved here to our new community has been very helpful to me in that way. I discovered the joy of running my household. I love taking care of my husband and our pets. I am excited to add children to that mix. I found that I am often lonely when I am home all day, which is why I have directed my energy into exercise classes and volunteering in my community. I know that I need to be connected to be happy, and I will always continue that in some capacity.

I am learning that my career, or what I am paid to do, does not in any way define who I am or what I can contribute to the world around me. I am so much more than that. While my career has given me wonderful experience in various ways and has taught me so much, I know that I can stand on what my life has taught me, not just drawing on paid experience, but on those things I have done in my own time. I have grown more confident and willing to ask questions and to learn from those around me. I am drawn to those who are passionate about what they do. I feel like I am on the verge of finding out more about what I am meant to do in this world, and I am very excited about that. And I am living my life every day.

So many new beginnings. And some endings. Such is the way of the world.

My Marriage Comes First

So it turns out that our major life decisions are not completely up to either one of us. We're both working to take a lot of things on faith, to relax our senses of responsibility and to trust that things will work out happily.

Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.

I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.

You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.

And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.

The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).

Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.

These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.

This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.

To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.

The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.

Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.

It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.

Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.

Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.

Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.

And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.

Because that's how we roll.