Who Am I?

How can I figure out what I need if I don't know who I am?

There is a hole in me I have been trying to fill. I have been searching, reading, writing, thinking. Nothing fills it. I write about cowgirls and houses. I feel restless, wanting. What am I looking for? Where will I find it?

Megan "Joy Girl" guest blogged at Erasing the Bored recently, where she said,

"I’m in a relationship now with someone who respects me, wants for my happiness, has compassion, and uplifts me when I’m feeling down. He is mirror, reflecting back to me the truths I now feel about myself. As such, he’s shown me that in the last few years I’ve grown to love myself much, much more than I ever thought possible. But he’s also shown me that I have a ways to go."

Donald believes that I am whole and raises me up out of my low self-esteem haze. He can't imagine what I think might be missing. I teeter at the edge, believing that I have lost my identity, that I have no idea who I am. How do I find my way back?

Several of my favorite bloggers have posted about getting rid of clutter. I see my identity reflected in the things I own, the things that surround me. My stuff defines me because it represents my choices and tells people what is important to me. Perhaps I will uncover my identify by clearing out the clutter.

Communicatrix summed it up pretty well in this post when she said,

"So. The “why?” Well, clarity, for starters, or more clarity. Freedom, definitely. Tired of feeling bogged down by my environment, and trapped (rather than supported) by my stuff. As the piles start to dwindle, though, I get the sense that this particular stripping down is me getting ready to say, “I’m a writer; this is what I do—I write.”"

Janice at Sharing the Journey has written about this several times, too, most recently here. Dani at positively present also supports the decluttering goal.

The catch, though, is that in order to only keep what I need, I need to know what I need, so I need to know who I am. What do I think I'm missing? Do I really want to be more like that cowgirl? Do I really feel drawn to the West or is that just my imagination and romanticism talking? How do I figure out what I really need if I don't know who I am?

I'm supposed to listen to and trust that inner voice. How do I know I'm listening to the right one? Or the real one? I change my mind about projects often, throwing myself into something only to abandon it a few weeks later. I don't want to live that way. 

In an earlier review post, I talked a little about making decisions based on what I thought other people would think of me. Nadia at Happy Lotus writes in this post when she says,

"Years ago, if you were to ask me what kind of clothes I liked, I would not have been able to answer because my choices were based on what I thought I should choose."

I have done this more times than I can count. Those decisions did almost nothing to make me happy. I still often defer decisions because I have no idea what I think or want. Does this mean that I have no idea who I am?

My self talk goes downhill, saying "I am happy, but..." or "I would do this, but..." I spiral into second guessing myself. I worry about the danger of flying off and doing something spontaneous. What are the costs? What do I risk? What are the consequences?

How can I possibly make a good decision when I don't have enough information about who I am to know that I am acting with integrity?

(Have I made you dizzy yet?)

Lance at the Jungle of Life posted a Sunday quote that pulled me out of the spiral. There is so much to gain.

Evita's guest post at The Bold Life reminded me that bold steps must be taken and that it is safe to trust our inner voice.

At Quest for Balance, Lisis' favorite post of her own explained that everything I need I already have.

Peggy at Serendipity Smiles reminded me that I will not find what I am looking for outside of me. I need to look inside.

I am learning to hear my own voice. It is not a failure to be unsure of what I think about everything I encounter. Instead, it's an opportunity to learn more about who I am and can be.

The hole is gone. I am no longer spinning. I filled it with a list of things I know.

Acceptance Versus Need For Change

If I learn to accept everything for what it is and simply go with the flow, does that mean that nothing needs to change?

Isn't the impetus for change a judgment that something is inadequate or wrong?

Can a balance be struck between acceptance and gratitude and the need for positive change?

Acceptance and gratitude lead to so many wonderful things. They decrease stress and anxiety. They improve mood and contentment.

Too much acceptance, however, could lead to complacency or apathy. If we simply accept everything as "that's just the way it is", don't we lose our responsibility and power?

Alternatively, constant change can be quite disruptive and unstable. Dissatisfaction with everything around us can lead to unhappiness and low self-esteem.

Perhaps this is another time we learn that everything should be done in moderation. Balance gratitude for what we have with gratitude for seeing opportunity for improvement. Balance acceptance of our failures with acceptance of responsibility over what we can control. Balance change with breathing and calm.

That said, if there is something you really want to be able to do (singing, crafting, writing, etc.), you are the only one standing in your way. I do not believe that talent is the only thing that makes people good at something.

If you have the passion, find the determination and the tools to make it happen. Make a choice.

Acceptance. Gratitude. Change.

The House of Me

This is the house of me.

I have a wide, inviting front porch, keeping the house cool in summer, providing somewhere to sit and be a part of the community as it moves past on the road. The back has a deck or patio for a grill and outdoor entertaining, lounge chairs for warming in the sun.

My warm, bright, open kitchen, is the heart of the home. It has room for people to sit and chat, for many people to cook at the same time, storage for everything we might need. Mugs for warm drinks, glasses for cool drinks. Assorted plates and platters, cooking utensils and pots and pans, table linens and dish towels. Silverware, a spice rack and well-organized pantry, sharp well-made knives and cutting boards. Beautiful, earthy serveware.

Upstairs are the bedrooms, quiet and peaceful and close enough to the social center to be awakened by the sounds of breakfast. Full of natural light, welcoming and private, stocked with soft towels and bed linens. In the bathrooms, aromatic soap, wonderful shower heads always ready with hot water. Wardrobes and chests lined with cedar, available for a short stay or a long one. Fresh flowers in vases. A cozy chair in the corner for reading.

Back downstairs, inviting, open social spaces, some with fireplaces for cold winter nights, comfy couches and chairs for reading, socializing, and watching the game/movies or playing video games. Low wooden antique coffee tables, each with a story to tell. Artwork on the walls, family photos and precious items on the china cabinet. A game table with puzzles, Settlers of Catan, decks of cards and good light.

A library full of books, constantly changing as books are borrowed and returned, their readers better for the experience. A space with musical instruments, ready to create sweet melodies, soulful tunes, and rocking riffs. An office with natural light and wide wooden desks for dreaming, writing, and making crafts. Shelves and cabinets for storage and organization.

My favorite part is the view from every window. The houses in the neighborhood are spaced far enough to allow privacy and close enough to create community. The yards are large and spacious, often containing dogs and cats, gardens and children.

Beyond the tended yards the land is undeveloped in large swaths of grassy fields. A creek runs through it and large trees grow on its banks. In the distance, the fields become mountains, dividing the sky from the earth. At night, the stars are bright and the moon is full.

Cowgirl

I grew up in the West. I don't live there anymore, yet I am finding that I am a cowgirl at heart.

I want to learn how to barrel race and become a better rider.

I follow the Horse Whisperer (the real one) with great interest. His methods encourage my belief that change does not have to include violence, that it can come peacefully, willingly.

Join-Up International's mission is "We are dedicated to supporting the education and training of people throughout the world to embody the message that "violence is never the answer"." This connects for me the principles in Fierce Conversations, about improving communication to improve relationships, with my pacifism and desire to resolve conflict in a lasting and sustainable way.

This may be a new opportunity for me. I need to find out if this is a direction I want to pursue.

The West calls to me. Its geography is etched on my heart and in my soul. I am happy when I am surrounded by mountains. I have never outgrown my love for horses.

I have an image in my head of what being a cowgirl means to me, what it would be like to be her. She is strong and confident, knowledgeable and calm. She is quiet and observant, speaks when she needs to, learns from others and from the world around her. She has grace under pressure. She is an expert horsewoman and a good teacher.

She feels wild and free riding a horse in an open plain toward the distant mountains. She is appreciated and respected in her community. She knows what she wants and finds a way to get it. She is happiest when she is making others happy.

She's also very real. She needs companionship and love. She likes soft towels and sheets. She loves good food and drink. She likes to be physically and mentally challenged. She likes puzzles and solving problems.

She can be brazen and protective, sometimes a little unconventional. She values the dirt and grit from having fun and working hard. She doesn't shy from conflict and shares her perspective with good intentions.

She drives a pickup truck and wears a cowboy hat and boots. She takes the good with the bad and knows that she is making the world a better place each and every day.

I am not yet a cowgirl. How close can I get?

Final Review of How to be Rich and Happy

I finished reading How to be Rich and Happy last week. I wanted to take some time to think about the impact the book has had on me before writing my final review.

First, I highly suggest that you download the free portion of the book before deciding whether it is the right book for you. Since I started reading, the authors have expanded the free portion another 9 pages to include the first exercise, one I found incredibly helpful and interesting, to identify your core values. The price has also been reduced since I wrote my first partial review about the book.

Some of the exercises were more helpful to me than others. The one thing everyone should know about this book, and probably all types of self-help books, is that in order to benefit from it, you must be open and ready to implement change. If you are unwilling to try something new or think about something in a different way, this book is not for you.

Overall, I think the book is very encouraging and positive. The authors discuss facts versus beliefs, which now comes to mind every time I'm about to say something. The book encourages personal responsibility for making a decision and can be very empowering.

While reading this book, I had a personal insight. In Star Wars, Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try." That phrase always bothered me. I thought it was pretty harsh, because I often tried hard and failed, yet I didn't want to see it as failure. Now I see that I tended to defer decision making and made excuses. I called this trying, when in fact I was not doing. It opened the door for me to acknowledge the truth to myself and to take increased responsibility for what I choose to do and not do.

It helped me see how much my self-esteem is largely dependent on how I think other people see me. The funny part is that I was very independent in high school, not caring too much about what anyone thought of me.

In college, I swung the other way, finding myself on unstable footing surrounded by people who I assumed had more information than I did. I second-guessed everything I thought I knew and became largely passive and dependent. I made some of my worst decisions in college, especially when it came to the guys I dated.

Now I'm trying to find a balance. I see the stagnation when I doubt myself or don't think I have enough information. It ties into my fear of failure, which I am daily taking steps to embrace and accept.

I know that I can decide what is right for me without judging other people for making different decisions. The authors suggest that reaching my potential and living a rich and happy life makes the world a better place. I am the only one holding me back.

The book definitely helped me see what I am already doing to achieve my rich and happy goals. I'm still not sure how the rich part will factor into my own life. The most important things to me are not things that create income, or at least won't in the way I'd like to pursue them. I could simply redefine what rich means to me, yet it is a fact that many things are almost impossible to do without some cold, hard cash.

The book reminded me to consider how much benefit I get from the cost of something. It's a simple evaluation of utility, a cost/benefit analysis. Evaluate something based on the amount of happy you get from each dollar spent and then decide whether it contributes to your rich and happy life.

Of course, my economics major husband knew that already.

The last thing I would suggest if you're still not sure about whether this book is right for you or not, is to read the Table of Contents (page 3 in the free download). Look at the headings for each chapter. If any of them intrigue you and get you thinking hard about how you can improve your life, it's probably worth it. If you're turned off by the title of the book and the chapter headings don't change your mind, don't bother.

The bottom line: If you're open to making significant improvements in your life and like to have a lot of good information all together in one book, this could be a good solution for you. If you're willing to do a little more leg work in the form of web searches, you can probably find a lot of similar advice and guidelines for free online. A lot of the blogs I follow discuss self-improvement and this book wouldn't have had as much of an impact on me if it had not been preceded by the doorways already opened by what I have been reading on the web.

Let me know if you have any questions! And thanks to Tim Brownson for giving me this review opportunity.