Daphne and Donald

Our Fur Children - Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T06:00:00.001-05:00

I have to refer all sixteen of my readers to Hyperbole and a Half, a wonderful blog that often includes posts about the author's dogs, sometimes known as Simple Dog and Helper Dog. After reading this post in particular, Donald and I often refer to our dog as Simple Dog, especially when she goes EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and looks at us with a cocked head when we say "Boop Boop Boop".

If you haven't read that post, please do. I'll wait. (Yes, right now! Bring tissues - you'll be crying with laughter.)

Ok, now that you're back, I can tell you about our fur children. Sasha is our nine-month old puppy and is variably known as simple dog, mess, Sacha Monster, Sachacha, and Slobberdon Milosadog (get it?!). She's much better now than when we first brought her home - training has done wonders! In her first few months with us, she played at such an aggressive level that we were constantly bleeding and fearing for the safety of our appendages. Now, however, she has mellowed some, understands that biting is never ok, and actually sleeps through the night and past 6 am!

Bringing home a puppy is the closest we have gotten to understanding parenthood and we know from our friends who are real parents that it's not even fair to compare the two. Especially since you can't leave babies locked in a crate or train them to go to the bathroom outside. Darn!

Katov is our ten year old, long-haired grey cat who is the queen of the household. She came into our family when she was four because her previous family had a baby (a real one!) and she got jealous. Nothing like cat-pee-soaked baby clothes to make that decision easier for them. (We're crossing our fingers that she likes us better should we be lucky enough to have a non-fur child!). Katov keeps Sasha in check, often charging her and slapping her around when she gets out of hand. Good kitty.

And then there's Loki. He's turning four this year and he's a short-haired, grey cat who has had quite the adventurous life. He came from a feral cat colony and was abandoned by his mother and hand-raised, so he's a bit nuts. It has taken him a long time to understand that petting doesn't hurt him. When he was a year old, he jumped off our apartment porch, three stories off the ground, and broke both front legs. Even with casts on, he still tried to jump up to the top of our cat tree and couldn't understand what he was doing wrong. He also loves to hump our Slanket (a version of the Snuggie - hey, don't knock it until you've tried it!). Poor dude.

Our families refer to our household as the menagerie. They mean that in a good way, right?

Katov was the first fur baby my husband gave me. He was living on his own out of college in an apartment and it was kind of lonely. He knew I liked cats and decided to adopt her, even though he had never owned a cat before. It was so much fun to walk him through caring for her and telling him that she wouldn't hide under the bed forever.

The question now is, can he give me one with a little less fur?

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, no matter the size, shape, or furriness of your loved ones.

The Truth About Dreams

2011-02-12T12:56:00.000-05:00

My husband told me this morning that he had had a dream about us getting it on. We both remarked that it was kinda neat that it was me in his dream and not some unknown female. I have never been the jealous type, especially not when it comes to dreams. Because we don't have control over what our dreams show us, and we both know that.

Which is why I was grateful when Donald told me that he wasn't worried when I told him many months ago that I was feeling guilty because one of my ex-boyfriends kept showing up in my dreams in sexy contexts. Even in my dreams I felt guilty, knowing that I was married, that I was acting in a way that I didn't want to be. My guilt was stemming from something I had no control over, not from any hidden desires or intentions.

The best part is that ever since I told Donald about those guilt-inducing dreams, they stopped happening. Whatever underlying cause there was for my dreams was gone, forgiven, washed away.

That said, however, I do think dreams have a very important purpose. If not for those dreams, I might not have shared that fear with my husband, which could have bothered me for years to come. Dreams do tell us, sometimes, about what is happening in our subconscious, what is bothering us behind the scenes, at some level of which we are barely aware.

Dreams are just another way for us to hear ourselves, to understand more of our own contexts and perspectives. It's like looking through someone else's eyes for a time. When we wake up, those dreams either become part of our reality or melt away.

Life Lessons from Horses

2011-02-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

Do you like the new layout? Can you tell I'm obsessing a bit?

I've been taking riding lessons for a couple of months now, and I love it. I saw a demonstration last weekend by a local woman who has trained three wild American mustangs over the past few years and I am intrigued. Did you know that you can purchase a mustang for $125? And here I thought I'd have to save forever to get my hands on my very own horse.

My husband was not pleased to hear this, since he's working hard to help me keep my head on my shoulders instead of in the clouds.

So, I'm visiting the mustang woman this coming weekend on her farm. I promise I'm not getting carried away. In fact, I'm hoping to find out whether this dream of mind has any basis in reality.

I want to know the truth about the time commitment, the space needed, the upkeep costs, the lifestyle required for caring for horses in a quality manner. I want to improve my horsemanship so that I am comfortable in horsey situations and so that I feel competent enough to do this on my own eventually.

In my lessons, one of the things I have to keep remembering is to "look where I want to go". This is such a wonderful life suggestion as well! It reminds us to leave the past alone and focus on our goals, to make progress toward what we want, even if it isn't happening for us in the present. It's a beautiful melding of being in the present and driving toward one's goals. It's something we're trying to live by as the unknown continues to loom.

And, of course, things continue to be complicated here. Donald isn't feeling fulfilled and secure in his current job. We have been here almost a year, and while I have worked hard to put down roots quickly and deeply, we are still restless and consider leaving. Will we ever stay put?

Are we finding that we are truly nomadic in nature? If that is the case, then we're going to have a hard time accomplishing several of our goals, such as home ownership. What are we actually looking for?

I would argue that we're moving towards what we want, yet we don't always know what we want. Donald dreams of teaching high school history. I dream of owning a ranch and horses out West. The real thing stopping us right now is the belief that we lack the funds to safely do these things and raise a family. While we know that we will never feel like we have enough money to have kids, we also feel like we're not secure enough to have kids AND make our dreams come true.

Are we the only ones putting our own dreams on hold because of the pressure/desire to have children? I highly doubt it. How do we move past this and figure out how to do it all? Or is my optimism unfounded and we truly do have to make a choice?

Supporting Military Families

2011-01-28T09:29:00.000-05:00

My new job has me connected with the most amazing momentum I have ever experienced when it comes to instigating positive change.

On Monday, January 24, the President, First Lady and Mrs. Biden announced a Presidential Initiative called "Strengthening Our Military Families: Meeting America's Commitment". This initiative will leverage the resources of the federal government to meet military family needs across the board. If you want to watch the announcement, go here.

Then yesterday, Thursday, January 27, the First Lady appeared on Oprah, evolving this initiative from a government effort to a community effort, asking every American to figure out what they can do to support the 1% of Americans who are shouldering the burden of protecting our country.

This is not about whether you agree with the wars or not. This is about whether you support the families that sacrifice alongside their soldiers, whether they are active duty, guard or reserve, Veterans or fallen.

Several phrases have stuck out for me this week as I have listened and watched these stories unfold. First, is the wonderfully alliterative "service, strength, and sacrifice" that our military personnel and their families live every day. Second, President Obama said that when he visited the troops in Afghanistan last month and asked them what he could do to help them, they said "Take care of our families." And third, the First Lady said on Oprah, "I suck it up" when she is having a bad day or feeling sorry for herself and remembers that military families are enduring so much without complaint.

Do you know the military families in your community? Do you know someone who is currently serving or deployed? Do you know how to help?

There is a wave of service-oriented action sweeping our nation and assisting our military families is one way of participating. Be the instigator in your community. Find out what your community is doing to support them and get involved. Let me know if I can do anything to help.

An Open Letter to The Pioneer Woman

2011-01-27T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Ree,

I am desperately envious of your life on a ranch, to the point that reading your blog makes me sad and desperate.

My biggest fear is that my fantasy of living on a ranch is not really what I believe it to be and that if I take this giant leap to move out West and figure out how to make it real, that I will be sorely disappointed.

Your website makes me believe that ranch life is all I imagine it would be (although in my version there are no calf nuts or cattle - it's not a working ranch that I seek). Your photos of horses and wide open land and big skies make me ache with longing. I desire the dirt, the hard work, the early mornings, the elegantly simple and functional ranch buildings. With every fiber of my soul, I want that life.

Is it possible for me to find what I seek? If not, please tell me now and put me out of my misery. I would rather know the truth and let this happy dream die than to move my husband and our dog and cats to the middle of nowhere for something that doesn't exist.

I guess I'm asking you for some kind of certainty, which I know you cannot give.

The dreams in my head stem from growing up in southern California, always wanting horses in my life and never quite figuring out how to make it happen. As you know, suburban life has plenty of distractions and I had a generally happy childhood. I went far from home to college and grad school, married my best friend who I met in college, and have finally settled into a career that I love. I make time for Western riding lessons and yoga once a week. We don't have any children yet.

You would think we would be happy. And yet… we are restless.

We dream of open spaces, mountains in the distance, big sky, and horses. Owning land. Riding the fence perimeter and weathering storms.

Our dreams seem to be in stark contrast with "real life". Where do we work, where do our kids go to school, where do we buy groceries? Will we have an internet connection? How far do we want to be from an airport?

And the fear creeps in. Can we handle this? Will our families think we're crazy? Is this a responsible course of action? What happens if we fail? How can we possibly afford to do something so risky? Can we afford it at all?

And yet, I continue to dream.

I dream of a home for my family. A place that encourages exploration and asking questions. A place that is modern and rustic at the same time, balancing access to technology and a reminder of our roots. A place where my children can learn and be challenged and will be prepared to contribute to improving their community on whatever scale they choose. A place where my husband and I can stretch and grow and learn more about each other. A place where we feel free.

I dream of the kind of place others want to call their home too. A place that has lots of visitors, people who come to get away from it all for a day, a week, or two. A place where they can walk for miles and see no one, where they can ride horses, a place where they can eat hearty, healthy food that tastes like home but better. A place where they can choose to spend their time in solitary retreat in their sunny and comfortable room, or where they can join in board games, puzzles, and other group activities with other visitors. A place where they are treated like family and where they feel whole. A place where they feel free.

I dream of a place that is a home for my soul. A place surrounded by open land, mountains, and horses. A place with dramatic thunderstorms, snowy winters, and breath-taking life. A place where a pick-up truck is used on a daily basis to haul things the way it was meant to. A place where cowboy boots are the footwear of choice and necessity. A place where four-footed friends are as common as two-footed friends. A place where I can sit and gaze as far as I can see, watching storms roll in, watching the wild herds running, crows feet gathering in the corners of my eyes from the sights and the smiles this place brings me. A place where I feel free.

Please, either tell me that this is possible and show me the way to achieve it, or tell me that it doesn't exist so I can find some way to be happy with a suburban life. I need to know.

Sincerely,
Daphne

Happy New Year!

2011-01-12T09:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for returning to my blog after my long absence. I have some very happy updates to share with all of you.

I landed my dream job working for the nonprofit I've been volunteering with for three years connecting Veterans and their families to free mental health professionals. They called me on my birthday (Veteran's Day) and offered me a job. I started with them on January 3 and I'm working from home. I am SO happy. I'm working on a new initiative that is basically community organizing around Veterans and their families. It's such a wonderful project and I'm thrilled to be a part of it.

Life is good here in Pennsylvania. Our dog and two cats are doing well. We're still living in an apartment, but we're seeking our first home, which is very exciting. My husband is enjoying his job and making the most of his opportunities at his company. We're still on the road to starting a family.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in September, so I've been on thyroid medication to sort that out, which seems to be working well. I actually have to make sure that I eat extra calories to maintain my weight - a fate many would love to have!

I've been seeing a counselor to help me with my depression. The thyroid situation contributed to my down days, so now they are less frequent. Donald has been so supportive and understanding and I don't know what I would do without him.

I'm still doing yoga and I started taking Western horseback riding lessons, which make me so happy. It's like my soul is lighter and freer.

Everything is truly falling into place. Thank you for continuing along this journey with me.

Truly,
Daphne

Ups and Downs

2010-09-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

Some things have really been going my way lately. And yet, today is definitely a down day. I woke up feeling discontented and anxious, grumpy and annoyed.

I received a clean bill of health from two doctors this week, definitely a happy thing. I felt good earlier this week. I felt like things were falling into place, like I had clearance to move forward with my life again. I felt good about continuing towards starting our family.

A house came on the market that our realtor emailed us about. We're seeing it this weekend. It could be really awesome. I keep trying to picture us in a home instead of our somewhat cramped apartment. I also know that we don't have nearly enough saved yet for the down payment we want to make, and even though we could get a house for less down, we cannot afford the monthly payments if we do that. And so we wait.

Donald has been really frustrated lately with his job and his career. He has a very leadership based personality and loves to be in charge and to direct forward progress. He's very good at it, too. So it's frustrating to him that he doesn't have that much control over his career path right now. And it's frustrating to him that he isn't making a salary on par with his education and experience. Especially when we know that more money could put us into a house sooner.

I really want a guest room. And a yard.

And then I feel selfish and ungrateful. We both have jobs, and in this tough economic time, that is huge. We have a safe and comfortable place to live. We have a great marriage and we make a great team. We have two wonderful cats and an awesome (although sometimes pushy) dog. We have a good social life. We eat well and we're healthy.

That is so much good. Why aren't we happy with that?

Donald is also impatient. He feels like he's constantly moving toward better things and never arriving at them. I try to help him see that he has choices about how happy he is with what we have now. He only sees compromise and giving up his dreams. I have been where he is. I hope he can find a way to be happy now without giving up the dreams of the things he wants for himself and for us and for our family. It's a really hard thing to do.

My discontent is not connected to what we don't have yet. Instead, it seems to be more connected to a sense of disconnect, of floating, of not knowing what I want out of life. I don't feel rooted, even though my weekly yoga practice encourages rootedness so strongly. I try to remember to plant my feet and reach for the sky with my hands, like a tree, but as I do, I worry that my feet aren't planted in the right place and that what I'm reaching for isn't actually something I want.

I get in this place where things I have been absolutely, positively sure about are no longer clear to me. Like having a family. Like what I want out of my career. Like what I want to be doing with my time. And while these might seem like normal questions, they arrive in the context of wondering why we do any of these things, why I am here, what I am supposed to do with my life that will give it any meaning.

The silly part is that I have an important role in my job. My daily activities are appreciated and needed. They are at home as well, and Donald does a wonderful job of telling me how much he appreciates and loves me. Somehow that doesn't help. I don't see how my actions or activities matter in the big picture. I don't see any lasting change. I don't see a reason for being.

Before you get worried, I am not suicidal. I do not think of ending my existence. I simply float, from hour to hour, day to day, wondering where the meaning is. Wondering how I can regain my happiness, when I can see the world for the good things and feel like I have a place in it.

I feel like such a drama queen. Like I should knock it off, stop indulging these feelings and get back to reality.

I'm calling a counseling service provided by my employer this weekend. Maybe that will help. I know I need some guidance. Thanks for reading.

What's the Point?

2010-09-12T17:30:00.000-04:00

I ask myself this question more and more often these days.

What is the point? Why am I spending my time the way I do? What am I really trying to accomplish?

I have lost interest in some things I used to enjoy very much.

I get easily frustrated and emotional when things don't work out the way I want them to. For example, Donald and I spent two hours in the car trying to run an errand, but because of traffic, we had to turn around empty handed. By the time we got home, I was in tears.

I get excited about things, like a trip to Europe with Donald I'm trying to plan, but then I lose all interest, feeling like it's probably a waste of money or that our family planning might get in the way or that we won't be able to take time off work to make the trip worthwhile.

So what's the point in trying?

I know how blessed my life is and I know that I should be feeling grateful for what I have.

But sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just don't know why I get out of bed in the morning. I feel purposeless.

I know I am loved and I know that people care about me. I try to smile and keep my head up.

But sometimes I'd rather cry until I am empty.

If I knew what was wrong, maybe I could move forward. Maybe I could say, ok, this is the hand I have been dealt, now I can figure out how to keep living. But I don't know what is wrong. I don't have the information I need.

So I float, in limbo, on automatic, until I find a way to bring some light back into my life.

I'm not unhappy, I tell Donald. I'm just not happy.

Faith Revisited

2010-08-27T09:32:00.000-04:00

My period is over a week late. Four pregnancy tests over the last week have said "Not Pregnant".

What the heck?

My mom, mother-in-law, sister, and sister-in-law have been wonderful sources of support, sympathy, and common sense for me. When I emailed them yesterday telling them that I feel like a freak and that I did not yet have newsworthy news, I didn't realize how much I needed their input.

I am so grateful for them and for the support they give me even though we're far away from each other.

I'm feeling humbled about my do or do not attitude. While I don't believe that we're having "trouble" in any way, I have discovered that this isn't as straightforward as I had assumed.

Who knew?

I will remember that women have been getting pregnant for a long time and I will bolster my faith that it will happen for us, too. And if it doesn't, then we have all sorts of adoption options.

Maybe all of this is pushing me to relax about the whole process, to stop thinking about my cycle, to just be.

To be fair, the last month has been pretty emotionally complicated with the discovery of the cyst in my breast (it's still there) and Donald's renewed job search. I think I've gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches and figuring out how to adjust, especially when I know exactly what matters most to me and to us.

We are moving forward on so many good things:
We are starting a family and that will happen when it is supposed to happen.
We have a dog, and she's actually quite well-behaved despite some bumps along the way.
We have happy cats that have been very forgiving about this canine creature we have brought into their home.
We are learning about what kind of house makes a home for us, even if we don't end up buying one here in our new town.

Donald is growing in his career, figuring out what really matters to him and what he needs to feel successful and content in his professional life. And while my first reaction was to ask him to shut up and stick it out because we were putting down roots, dammit, I have remembered that my initial goal was for him to be happy in his professional life. That has not been achieved and while I think it can be, it may not be here. We may be moving again. This may not be the place for us to put down roots yet.

We just have to keep learning from our experiences and looking forward to make the most out of whatever comes our way next. And we'll keep up our teamwork, facing each new door as an opportunity, together.

Beginnings

2010-08-08T20:42:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago, Donald and I were enjoying a cool evening outside looking at the stars. We realized that, a year ago, we were doing the same thing when we were living at his parents' home when he was unemployed, wondering what our lives would be like a year from then. And now we know.

We are living in our own apartment, in our own space, and in our own community. It is beautiful here and I absolutely love it.

Donald has a good job, one that is challenging and isn't always what he wants, but he's working it out and has committed to sticking with it.

I was able to make some income freelancing and I have now accepted a full-time job with a local university. I'll have a lot of responsibility and it's a new position, which means I'll have some influence over how my job description evolves and I'll have my hands in policy and procedure, which I love.

We adopted a puppy on July 1, a Rottweiler mix named Sasha:

We are moving forward with starting our family, hopefully to know more by the end of this month.

We are meeting regularly with a realtor, looking for our very first home. We are learning so much about each other and what "home" means. It has been such a wonderful way for us to develop our relationship together, although it has its challenges.

I have been enjoying a stay-at-home lifestyle, with lots of flexibility in my schedule and lots of time to get projects done. The full-time position that came along was something of a surprise, especially because I had assumed that I would be working from home, which is partially why we adopted Sasha when we did. I have to think that these things happen for a reason, though.

The income from my new position will be a great help towards purchasing a home sooner rather than later, allowing us to prepare for our growing family. Raising a puppy has started to open our eyes to the amazing world of parenting, giving us many restless nights getting up many times and inspiring many conversations about rules, training, and our desires as we make decisions together. I have discovered that I can get very angry in certain situations, and that I need to get a handle on this before we have children. I need to teach myself better ways of expressing my anger. We are gaining so much that is preparing us for what will come.

At the same time, there are bumps along the way.

I discovered a lump in my breast and I'm in the process of finding out what it is and whether it will have any impact on my health and our other plans. It seems to be a cyst, but there may be something else going on as well, so that's a bit scary. I'll find out more this coming week. I have been advised that the possibility of this being something serious is quite small, but even the tiniest chance has been a reminder to me of my mortality and I have made a very conscious decision to be even more present every day, to appreciate everything I have and to make the most of every opportunity.

I am feeling burned out with the animal shelter with which I volunteer, partially because one of the dogs I was getting to know really well decided to freak out on me, causing scratches and bruises, but also because there are some organizational issues that I'm not sure I have the energy to help fix. I'm the kind of person who is very operationally-minded, and I love to help non-profit organizations become more efficient and productive and to find ways to improve themselves. I just don't think I'm up to the challenge on this one. I have a few other things on my mind these days, I guess.

I'm redirecting my energy these days. I have a puppy to care for now. I'm spending more time with my yoga practice, using it to find balance and calm in my life despite the significant changes we have already made and the changes that we hope will come. I have a week before my new job begins and I hope to spend it preparing for what will probably be my last paid job for a long time because I plan to leave the workforce to raise our children when they arrive.

I think a lot about what my identity will be once that change occurs. My time not working since we moved here to our new community has been very helpful to me in that way. I discovered the joy of running my household. I love taking care of my husband and our pets. I am excited to add children to that mix. I found that I am often lonely when I am home all day, which is why I have directed my energy into exercise classes and volunteering in my community. I know that I need to be connected to be happy, and I will always continue that in some capacity.

I am learning that my career, or what I am paid to do, does not in any way define who I am or what I can contribute to the world around me. I am so much more than that. While my career has given me wonderful experience in various ways and has taught me so much, I know that I can stand on what my life has taught me, not just drawing on paid experience, but on those things I have done in my own time. I have grown more confident and willing to ask questions and to learn from those around me. I am drawn to those who are passionate about what they do. I feel like I am on the verge of finding out more about what I am meant to do in this world, and I am very excited about that. And I am living my life every day.

So many new beginnings. And some endings. Such is the way of the world.

My Marriage Comes First

2010-06-10T15:46:00.000-04:00

So it turns out that our major life decisions are not completely up to either one of us. We're both working to take a lot of things on faith, to relax our senses of responsibility and to trust that things will work out happily.

Donald and I had a breakthrough conversation in the car during a long drive this past weekend and it dawned on me in yoga this morning what my resulting action has been.

I have chosen, very consciously and openly, to put my marriage first.

You see, it turns out that I was so focused on getting what I wanted (babies!) that I wasn't respecting Donald's wishes and preferences. While I intended only to nudge Donald in the direction of having children sooner rather than later, instead it turned into subtle (and not so subtle) acts of coercion.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't force anything or give him ultimatums or sperm-jack him. Nothing like that. It was simply in the way that I talked and acted that made him feel like I hadn't heard him clearly, made him feel that his feelings didn't matter.

And here I thought I had this communication thing all figured out.

The breakthrough conversation was really difficult. I learned that Donald felt disrespected by me, which I didn't like hearing about myself. I apologized. I learned that Donald and I significantly disagree about our timeline of having children and purchasing a home. I learned that this may mean that we aren't going to have children as soon as I would like to (yesterday).

Donald's preference is that we have a home before any little ones arrive. My preference is that we have children when we're ready (now) and let everything else get figured out, including the purchase of our first home.

These preferences are not mutually exclusive until you see that we don't have the money for a down payment yet. Remember, Donald was unemployed for over a year and I'm currently minimally self-employed (more on that later). It gets even more difficult when you understand that we would prefer to put 20% down on our first home so that we can get the best interest rate.

This basically means that we are at least a year away from purchasing our first home. I turn 30 in November. I know plenty of women are having children after 30, and I also know that the general advice is to have one's first child by that age. It's just another thing to factor in.

To be fair to Donald, he wants children. His baby timeline is for me to be pregnant before the end of the year. So we're on the same page there.

The real hiccup is the house, which connects to my job. If I could manage to make money in my new e-lancing endeavors, then we would be that much closer to our first home. Right now, I have about five hours of work a week. I'm marketing myself as an editor, proofreader, and virtual assistant. I've been networking hard this week with people who know me and my skills, so hopefully some more work will come my way soon.

Or my dream job with my favorite non-profit could come through. They're still unsure about their funding. As most people are these days.

It would be easy to blame the economy for all of this - Donald's company's failure and unemployment (including the loss of our original house down payment fund), my current minimal employment, and our delay in starting a family. It would be easy to blame Donald for these things, too.

Blame doesn't make anyone feel better though. Neither does feeling sorry for myself or turning myself into a martyr.

Which is why I have chosen to put my marriage first. It is one of the things in my life that is really good, that I don't want to ever be without. It is something that I can depend on and lean on. It resides in the realm of the known.

Everything else that we're considering is in the realm of the unknown. We have no idea what will happen when we journey down any of these potential paths.

And that is why Donald and I as a team come first. We will need every bit of our married strength to take any of these next steps. And we're going to do it together, with respect for each others' views and feelings, and with a balance of faith and responsibility.

Because that's how we roll.

Bitches Don't Be Crazy or How Women Should Communicate with Men

2010-05-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

I have guest posted again for Kate at Newlywed & Unemployed. Check out my post and let me know what you think! I'll respond to comments there. Thanks for visiting!

Heart Centered

2010-05-12T16:26:00.000-04:00

No decisions have yet been made about these huge life changes I am contemplating. One of the reasons for that is that Donald, in his youthful wisdom, has understood the gravity of these decisions for me and has given them to me to contemplate and decide for myself before we make a final decision together.

He saw that I was feeling trapped, angry, resentful, and upset about the way in which these decisions are intertwined. He encouraged me to see each one separately, to consider what I really want, regardless of what I think he wants. He knows how much difficulty I have in listening to myself, to what I want, and how detrimental that can be in the long run, if I wake up in 30 years and realize that I have been living my life only for other people.

Learning to listen to myself, to my heart and soul, is very difficult for me. I try to remember the times in my life when I have been peaceful and happy. That is when I know that I am listening to my spirit and not to my mind, when I act with my heart and not my head.

I am transported.

I walk through an open field covered in tall, green grasses swaying in a sometimes blustery, springtime breeze. Thunderclouds loom overhead, grey and full and energetic. Mountains loom towards the clouds in the near distance and trees dance, their branches swaying in the wind. Surrounded by nature's energy, I feel alive and connected, I feel a little wild and at peace. I am confident in my steps along the path in front of me. The space around me is familiar, yet ever changing. I feel safe and I feel that I am making progress towards a great unknown, a happy adventure ahead of me.

I don't need to look back because I know where I have come from, I know who I am. A coyote trots along a parallel path and then disappears over the ridge ahead. My spirit smiles, my lips say thank you, and my heart lifts towards the sky. The only barriers in front of me are those I allow to exist. It begins to rain, big wet drops landing in the dust around my feet. I feel cleansed and whole and loved. I don't need to know what lies over the next ridge before I get there. I simply need to know what is in front of me, right now, and what I want to make of this moment's opportunity.

When I return from my spirit place, I feel so close to knowing what I want and need to be happy. I can tell that I am on the verge of answers. It's like waking up from a dream in which you were about to see something you really wanted, and then you have no idea what it was going to be. I try to let my mind slip back again, to maintain my peace and faith and calm. Laundry and dishes and errands call for my time. The images recede into my subconscious. I will return again, perhaps next time even closer to the answers I seek.

Big Decisions

2010-05-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

I recently tweeted that I'm currently in the process of big decision making about starting a family, my career path, buying a house, and getting a dog. Easy, right?

Apparently not.

I have spent pieces of the last several days close to, or in, tears. I have questioned my value, my purpose, my abilities, and my sanity. Donald doesn't quite know what to do with me, besides lots and lots of hugs and conversations (although I think his gut tells him to stay at least 10 feet away when the crazy starts flying).

I want a baby, more than anything. Donald does too. We are so excited to be on the same page with this, finally ready to jump off this ledge together, ready to change our lives completely and forever. This is monumental and wonderful and terrifying and emotional.

I mean, I sat in front of my husband, eye to eye, staring at our future full on, and told him it was time. I've been waiting to do that for years and it happened, it's here, it's now!

However, even though my mom reminds me to try not to be too rational about this decision, Donald and I still want to make sure that we're making this choice with responsibility and consequences in mind.

For example, we want to buy a house in the next year or so. Given that our financial situation has been under some stress in the past few years, this means that we'd like to be saving up as much as we can between now and then to put towards a down payment on a house. This is exciting, too! It does mean, however, that a baby potentially shortens the timeline during which I can be contributing to this worthy cause. That, and the fact that I am currently unemployed.

Therefore, I've been earnestly job searching this week. I'm still hoping that a group I volunteer with can hire me, but just in case that doesn't come through, I need to have a backup plan. I'm finding that backup plan probably also means a job that doesn't bring me happiness. I'm struggling with this, a lot, especially because I swore to myself that my next job would be doing something I really want to do.

And I still haven't quite figured out what that is. Besides, you know, being a mom. They don't seem to pay you to do that around here. If any of you have figured out how to make that work, call me!

So I peruse the ads and websites looking for something that pays more than minimum wage, won't turn me down because I'm overqualified, and won't make me cry or want to throw up from the compromises I'm continuing to make in my career, forever doomed to make no difference in the world at all unless I can somehow manage to birth an army of do-gooders who will save the world where I have failed.

<deep breath>

Donald convinced me last night that this is not, in fact, my last chance to make a difference in the world, whether our children are all that we hope for or not. He knows me too well. He knows that I will always be involved in things in my community, stirring things up, asking hard questions, pushing for better ways of doing things. He knows that I will always be involved in volunteering and charity work. He also reminded me that I will not be the slave of my children, that they will go to school and take naps and otherwise do things that will leave me with some free time to do for me and my community.

If you're a mom, please stop laughing and feel free to chime in here and relieve me of my terrible naivete about what it's really like to be a stay-at-home mother of one or more children.

The point is, this should be a tough decision. The struggle for women between children and careers is ongoing. While I'm very happy to have a choice about leaving the paid workforce and staying home or returning to the workforce and placing my children in daycare, it is not an easy choice to make. I would love to hear about your experiences and difficult choices along these lines. I know that our decision will be unique for us, as it was for each of you, but knowing that other women have managed to make their decisions and lead happy and productive lives would bring me some peace of mind.

Oh, how does the dog fit in, you ask? Well, we'd prefer for one of us to be home for a new dog, for training and care purposes. So if I can find a job that allows me to work from home, that problem is solved. The other piece of this, however, is that getting a dog and having a baby in close proximity sounds a little like having two babies around the same time and since this would be my first human child and my first canine child, I'm not overly enthusiastic about doing two very different, very new things at the same time.

I did start volunteering with my local no-kill animal shelter though, so perhaps the right dog will find its way into our lives in spite of our plans and rationality. I have to have faith that what will be will be and that in the end, our plans don't mean that we have any control over what might happen.

I'll also try not to cry.

Privacy, Patience, and Forgiveness

2010-04-20T12:07:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking about my last post about honesty and self-forgiveness and I realized something.

It would actually be wrong to answer every question with full honesty. Some things are not to be shared with anyone who asks. Some things are private. Some pieces of information should be withheld to keep us safe.

I'm focusing on the privacy issue for the moment. When I was explaining my hangups about honesty to Donald, I realized that my goal is not to answer every question honestly. A balance must be struck between honesty and privacy.

I think my worries about how honest I am somewhat related to how we are going to protect our privacy when we have children and also how to avoid justifying our choices to others. I think these things are very linked.

Here's a scenario. Donald and I visit his parents and one of them notices that I'm not drinking alcohol at cocktail hour. Questions are asked and avoided (or met with lies), assumptions are made, and information we wanted to have kept private is out in the open. How do we navigate these types of social situations with straightforward communication that doesn't alienate people and preserves our privacy? Do we have to just stay home to avoid awkward questions?

I think it's funny that these are the questions that keep me up at night when I think about having kids. It's not about money or danger or how to raise them or worries about birth, it's about how to handle questions without feeling stressed, how to only share the information we want to share and how to feel secure in the decisions we are making together.

Luckily, this means that my struggle with honesty is not as scary as I thought last week and I can now move on to self-forgiveness, decidedly the harder piece of all of this.

Forgiving myself is one of the hardest things for me to do. I am very hard on myself, very critical; I hold very high standards for myself.

For example, I'm volunteering with a local no-kill animal shelter as a dog walker. Many of the animals they receive have had rough lives and part of their mission is to rehabilitate these dogs and then give them to loving families who will want them forever. I believe strongly in this mission, and I know how important my time will be in walking these dogs and showing them affection.

However, I still feel inadequate. I feel like I should be solving the cause of this problem, not simply cleaning up the mess of consequences. I want to get to the root, eliminate the cause so that we don't have to keep cleaning up messes.

Donald just shakes his head and smiles at me. He admires my passion and my interest in solving world problems. He also worries that my standards for myself undermine any sense of accomplishment I might feel in the level of effort I can give. I don't want to accept it when he says that eliminating the cause is impossible for one person.

I often rail against the big problems that I want to solve and cannot. I'm trying to train myself to see the small steps as progress rather than futility. I get frustrated when I spend a lot of time on something that will continue to be a problem because we haven't eliminated the cause. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it means that I end my involvement in the process, which doesn't help anyone.

Do I believe that I have more power than I really have? Do I need to stop trying to change the world and simply lower my aim? If I have the power I think I have, how do I harness it and get to the place I want to be?

Passion without action is nothing. This means that even the smallest actions are better than no action. Small actions can become big actions. I simply have to remember that the short term does not equal the long term, that sustained small changes over time are often the way big changes occur.

It's about patience. It's about faith.

If this doesn't look connected to self-forgiveness, it is:
If I can accept what I have just written, then I can forgive myself for only taking small actions and not changing the world immediately.
I can forgive myself for making mistakes, for being human, for hurting other people's feelings, for abandoning things I have cared about.
I can forgive myself for doubting myself. I can forgive myself for a lack of patience and faith.
I can forgive myself for getting carried away and sometimes being selfish and misguided.
I can forgive myself for leading myself astray, for believing things I knew were not true.

I have two difficult stories that I want to share in my journey towards self-forgiveness. They will come soon. Thank you for accompanying me on this path.

My First Guest Post

2010-04-16T11:50:00.001-04:00

I am excited to announce that my first guest post is now up on Kate's Newlywed & Unemployed blog. Kate asked me to write about community on her blog and I was happy to do so. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to contributing more community-related content.

Thanks for visiting her blog and welcome to any new visitors who have arrived from Newlywed & Unemployed!

Honesty and Self-Forgiveness

2010-04-13T15:50:00.000-04:00

I am a liar.

I know some people will say, "Oh, that's ok, everyone lies sometimes." The thing is, I don't ever want to lie. I want to be like Temperance Brennan on Bones (I'm slightly obsessed with this show). She says in one episode, "I never lie." I greatly admire that about her. I respect people who are open and honest in their communication. I want to be one of them.

In the last week or so, I have been mulling over the fact that I lie. It is directly related to my inability to forgive myself. The topic is such a huge one for me (and a relatively complex one) that I anticipate covering it in the next several posts, to explore the situation from several angles, and to share with all of you one of the hardest moments of my marriage (related to lying), one I have not stopped punishing myself for, even though Donald has forgiven me and moved on.

Please understand that I am not a habitual liar. Most of the time I tell the truth. The lies come through at strange times. For example, I was returning the E-ZPass I borrowed from my in-laws and wanted to pay them back for the tolls I had incurred. Wanting to avoid the hemming and hawing that comes with trying to give them money, I said that I had already been paid back for the cost by other people on the trip. This was not true, although it accomplished my goal of avoiding further conversation about the matter.

When I was growing up, I told many lies to avoid consequences and to avoid conflict. Of course the boy's parents were home while I was there (they weren't). Of course there was only pee in the toilet when it backed up and overflowed (there wasn't). Of course I washed my hands before dinner (I hadn't). Of course I waited until marriage to have sex (I didn't).

As I remember these events, I realize just how terrified I have been of conflict and of people being upset with me. I say whatever I know the person wants to hear. Most of these lies seem to be in response to direct questions that make me feel judged, that make me feel like a child, that make me feel like I have to defend my actions or choices. Instead of engaging, I lie and flee.

I also lie to avoid judgment, to avoid being wrong. I would rather be the one to volunteer the blame and to accept it before someone asks me or calls me out on it. In fact, I would rather this so much that I have been willing to accept blame even when something wasn't my fault. When I worked as administrative support, when something went wrong and it was my bosses fault, often to smooth things over and fix the situation, I accepted the blame. I have done this on countless occasions, never once feeling that it was a blemish on my integrity.

But when someone asks me directly to account for myself, I get defensive and fearful of the outcome. Even when it's something small, insignificant, and easily remedied. What is wrong with me?

This past March, Simple Marriage had a post that touched on the importance of telling the truth, called The Virtuous Marriage: Sincerity. The part that jumped out at me most is when Corey says "In general err on the side of honesty. Be honest to a fault. Sometimes it may get you in trouble, but generally it will win the respect of those involved."

Since Donald and I are hoping to start a family in the relatively near future, I know that I need to get this problem under control before our children learn bad habits from me. And, while I don't believe that my lying comes into play in our marriage, it's something problematic enough for me that it's in my best interest with or without children in the picture.

So here's where self-forgiveness comes into play. I am unable to forgive myself for mistakes I have made in the past because I have not ended the behavior that led to me making those mistakes in the first place. The biggest issues in my past that I cannot let go of are those mistakes that involved lying to someone or lying to myself.

I don't deserve to be forgiven because I haven't learned from my mistakes in being dishonest. I cannot forgive myself until I learn that telling the truth always is the right thing to do. That is the only way to regain my integrity. If I forgive myself, doesn't that mean that I'm saying that what I did was acceptable?

I'm really going to need your help on this one.

Housewifery

2010-04-09T14:53:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last several weeks setting up our new home, which has been surprisingly enjoyable. I think I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I finally feel like this is my opportunity to be truly housewifey.

When Donald gets home at the end of each day, I try to make sure that the apartment is in good order and that evidence of my progress is clearly apparent to show him that I have been nice and productive. I follow him upstairs to hear about his day as he changes his clothes. I make an appetizer and get drinks and we retire to the living room or back patio to sit and talk until it's time for dinner.

Then I return to the kitchen where I have prepared some parts of dinner ahead of time, have all of the ingredients I need, and a full meal plan figured out. I make dinner while he relaxes and then we eat a yummy, healthy dinner that always looks and tastes good. After dinner, we clean up the dishes, sometimes have dessert, and lounge in front of the TV or chat until it's time for bed.

Is anyone else gagging and rolling their eyes besides me?

Ok, to be fair, this is kind of what I've been doing. It's a little frightening, especially to the screaming, bra-burning feminist I have trapped inside this 1950s wifely persona. And while I'm proud of myself for being a "good wife" I'm also starting to realize that this cannot continue.

I need ME time.

I went shopping earlier this week, for example, for three hours, to get some summery clothes since most of mine got decluttered when I went through my closet. I had a budget and there was a need and I was actually really successful. And I felt guilty for spending that time and money on just me. Seriously.

At that point, and after realizing that my tendency when Donald came home was to dote on him from the moment he came in the door to the moment we turned out the light to go to sleep, I knew that something needed to change. And keep in mind that Donald in no way requested that this be the way I operate. He has been wonderfully appreciative, but I think he was also starting to wonder where his independently-minded spouse had disappeared to.

So last night we chatted about my various roles, as wife, homemaker, and independent self. I have been having trouble feeling efficient since we moved here and I needed to have more structure to my days, so it made sense to list out my roles and the tasks that go with each and then construct my weekly schedule to accommodate all of them in a balanced manner.

(I also have to say, for someone who has never lived in a house with stairs, now that we have three floors, I have had a really hard time feeling efficient when what I need is always a floor up or down from where I am. How do you handle this? It seems so far away! I'm spending all of my time going up and down stairs instead of accomplishing something!)

This morning, I got up and made a list. One section was called "housewife" and the other section, for lack of a better word, was "me" (I don't have multiple personalities, really). Here's how it broke down:

Housewife:
- Cooking (meal planning, groceries)
- Cleaning
- Laundry
- Clutter control, filing, organizing, troubleshooting
- Errands and online shopping
- Pet care
- Activity planning for evenings and weekends
- Home care (decorating, budgeting, paying bills, recycling, getting mail, etc.)

Me:
- Exercise routine (yoga, walks, cardio)
- Blogging
- Reading and writing
- Communicating, staying in touch, phone calls, Facebook, cards and gifts
- Career planning/networking
- Projects (scrapbooking, photo albums)
- Relaxing, playing games, puzzles, TV and movies
- Crocheting and knitting
- Personal care, health research

Then I opened up Outlook and starting with next week, put most of these items on the calendar, picking certain days for weekly activities (Tuesday is laundry day) and carving out special time for "me" activities like blogging and exercising. This way, there won't be any guilt, I'll have reminders about what I should be working on, and my productivity and satisfaction levels should go up because I will know that I'm making progress.

It also helps me identify how much time in a day I really have for things like volunteering so I know how committed I can be with new activities without compromising the things I'm already doing. It does get me wondering how I ever did anything useful when I was working full-time. Hopefully my plans to work from home will help me maintain some flexibility and will also be rewarding in its own right.

I have gotten distracted from the point of my post (clearly, showing all of you how OCD I am was necessary). This experience has shown me how easy it can be for me to put everyone else ahead of myself and how important it is for me to actually schedule time just for me in order for me to feel that I have permission to take a half hour to give myself a pedicure instead of detail cleaning the baseboards. This will be especially important as we move forward on having a family, and the better habits I can create now, the more likely it is that I'll continue them when we have another mouth to feed.

That's how it works, right?

How do you balance being an individual and being a wife or husband and/or mom or dad? How do you make time for you?

Five Years

2010-04-02T12:37:00.000-04:00

Five years ago today, I married the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate, the one who completes me.

Our vows were simple:
In the name of God,
I, Emily, take you, Andrew, to be my husband,
to have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better or worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish
until we are parted by death.

The last five years have asked a lot of us. We have been happy and sad, fulfilled and frustrated, calm and terrified. Our marriage has been tested and it has held strong. Marriage is hard and we have learned to maintain it, to grow it.

Our foundation is stable. The storms we have weathered have made it stronger. We are stronger. We know each other better now and we know more of our own capabilities.

During the last five years, we have faced distrust, unemployment, depression, relocation, family pressures, delayed dreams, financial woes, parental separation, and deaths of loved ones. Truly, it is nothing more than most people face in their lives. What stands out is that we are on the other side, smiling and happy. We made it through in one piece. We have survived and we are thriving. We live to face whatever comes next and we know that our trials are not over. We are ready to take it on.

We could not have done this without the loving support of our many communities. Our families, our friends, my blogging community, all of these people who have supported our marriage and our development as individuals are to be given at least partial credit for our accomplishment today.

Thank you. In gratitude, yes, those are our real first names in our vows. A gift for all of you.

More updates and news to come.

Moving Forward

2010-03-16T14:49:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm supposed to make up for my blogging absence by posting a really awesome story about our epic move and all of the things that went wrong and how much more insightful I am because of the experience.

Strangely enough, though, I don't think I have had any insights. I think I have simply wandered into a new level of happy.

This seems like a huge breakthrough, and it is, it's just that it has been happening so gradually that I didn't even really realize it until I typed it just now.

I am happy.

I think it's a combination of many things, as most things are. We found movers and were packed and loaded and unloaded within a week. I've been driving between our new home and my job (last day tomorrow!), which is actually a really nice time to me to transition mentally and emotionally. Instead of a sudden transition, it's a gradual one. It helps, too, that spring is arriving and the sun is shining more often.

It took some time for me to figure out that our new home is "home" now. It didn't feel like home at all at first. The town was just the place where I would visit Donald while he worked on a contract basis and now you're telling me we're staying here "forever"? Really? It was hard to wrap my head around that. I keep wandering around saying "We LIVE here!"

It's also hard to feel at home when you're surrounded by furniture and boxes of things you've been living without for over a year. It's a weird feeling, like coming home after your first semester away at college. Your room is still yours and it's not. It's like it belongs to someone else and you at the same time.

It has been emotional. Unpacking boxes and finding things has given me such mixed feelings. My pratice with decluttering from going through my closet, though, has helped significantly. While I don't use the "If I haven't used it in a year, then it goes" rule because then we would have nothing left, I am being pretty liberal with the "give away" box and I am proud of how my efforts are going so far.

Our two cats LOVE the new place and I love seeing them in it. They are happy to have us around more, happy to have some of their favorite things again, happy to be discovering new favorite things. They are the closest thing we have to children and it is so much fun to share this new adventure with them and show them all the newness.

Donald and I have had some great opportunities for teamwork, which is something that we tend to be good at, that strengthens our marriage. We spent an entire day looking for an 8x10 area rug for our main room, running through the rain between the car and store after store after store. None of them had anything bigger than 5x7 and we needed something TODAY according to Donald, so we kept looking.

We struck gold when we wandered into a furniture store looking frustrated and asked an employee for advice. He leaned in and said "I shouldn't tell you this, but..." and proceeded to direct us to a discount store nearby. We had stumbled onto the mecca of area rugs. They had rolls of remnants from floor to ceiling of a warehouse sized building and stacks and stacks of "Oriental" rugs just our size. And the price was right, too.

I had brought a pillow from one of our pieces of furniture so we could guess on color matches and we found the only 8x10 in the store that would work. We unearthed our treasure and headed for the register, Donald nearly knocking down several floor lamps ala The Three Stooges. It was pouring rain, so Donald suggested that I bring my car around to the curb. In that moment, it dawned on both of us that there was a significant possibility that our awesome find would not fit in my vehicle (a small four-door hatchback).

Cursing inwardly, I ran into the rain with my keys towards my car, thinking that there was no way, that this rug was obviously bigger than my car and that this would not work. I pulled the car around and pushed the front seat forward, opened the hatchback and prayed. Donald brought out the rug and started inching it from the back towards the dashboard while I adjusted as well as I could at the front. Miraculously, just as the rug was heading for my windshield, the end slid into place inside the trunk and we were home free. Giggling uncontrollably about our luck, we drove home.

I guess I did have a story in me.

I have more travel and unpacking ahead of me before I will really feel settled. Things should be calmer next week, at which point I hope to catch up with all of you and your blogs and share more about our latest adventure.

Until then, just know that things really do work out for the best.

Makeup and Animal Cruelty

2010-03-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

Donald and I will be occupied for the next several days with moving and working, so I thought I would write a post completely unrelated to it all to tide my readers over until I can write an update. I would love to read your thoughts on the topic.

If anything, wish us well on the move!

------------------------------------
Animal testing is a touchy topic for me. Many important medical advancements have come from research conducted on animals. State and federal laws also require that certain consumer goods be tested on animals to make sure that they are safe for people to use. I'm not going to address these things. Instead, I want to address the testing of luxury goods on animals, namely cosmetics.

I had noticed that some of my cosmetic products have a symbol or words on them that say "Not tested on animals". It made me curious, so I went through all of the products in my makeup bag and daily routine to see whether all of them had this distinction. Finding very few, I did a little research.

I discovered that state and federal testing is not required for these products. Putting the words "Not tested on animals" is regulated, so you can trust that it is accurate. Watch our for "Final product not tested on animals" because that means that it was tested on animals at some point in the manufacturing process.

I am uncomfortable with the fact that most of my cosmetics are not cruelty free. I decided that my external beauty is not worth causing unnecessary animal suffering. There are quality cosmetics available that do not engage in animal testing. I am making the switch.

I am using my money to make a stand.

I am not a PETA member and I don't agree with many of their practices. They do, however, have a great website that lets you search for companies that do or do not test their products on animals. The list for those that do not test on animals is quite long and extensive and includes many well-known brands. You can also search for cruelty-free manufacturers of specific products.

Some of my favorite products are from cruelty-free companies:
Aveda
Bath & Body Works
Burt's Bees
Crabtree & Evelyn
M.A.C.
Revlon
St. Ives
Tom's of Maine
Wet N' Wild

Surprisingly NOT on the cruelty-free list (these products will be phased out of my collection ASAP):
Aveeno
Cover Girl
L'Oreal
Maybelline
Neutrogena
Olay

I have a choice. I'm glad I had the information to make the choice that is most in line with my values.

**Disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with any of the companies or websites listed above.**

Leap of Faith

2010-02-26T08:35:00.000-05:00

I have been waiting to write this post since I started my blog. I have been waiting to say these words for a year and a half.

Donald has a full-time job.

He accepted the offer this week. He's signing the lease on our new apartment this morning. I gave notice at my current job yesterday. We are moving in mid-March. We are starting our lives again.

I didn't write this post the minute he received his job offer because it was a mixed experience. He was offered a different position from the one he had been doing on contract, which really surprised us. It was like he had lost a job and been offered a job in the same moment, a moment filled with disappointment and confusion rather than joy and relief.

It didn't help that I was home alone and that he was a three-hour drive away. That evening was especially difficult because we were physically apart. It is so hard to make life-changing decisions when you cannot look each other in the eye, when you cannot hold hands, when you cannot give or receive hugs.

Since that difficult moment, however, we have re-rooted ourselves in what is most important. The job is still with the same company. It will further Donald's career. He will still get to work with his amazing coworkers, just not as closely. He still has the chance to get the position he wants next year (it wasn't in the budget this year).

And he HAS A JOB! We can move forward! We can move out of his parents' home and get a dog and have our own lives again.

We weren't exactly going to say "no, thanks".

We are taking a leap of faith. We trust this company to do right by Donald and our family. We trust that our scramble to find housing has resulted in an apartment that will be "good enough". It might even be great. We chose location over space and I think it was the right choice.

Somehow we had gotten it into our heads that this moment, the one we have been waiting for for so long, would be nothing but happiness, relief, and the end of compromises. As I type that, it seems clearly silly. But that's what we expected. And that's why it wasn't obvious right away that this was real, that we really were doing something good. That compromising didn't mean that it wasn't what we should do.

We are SO excited. We are taking our next steps with our eyes open, our hearts forward, and we are leaping feet first into this next adventure.

Won't you come with us?

Five Love Languages

2010-02-23T07:55:00.000-05:00

Kate at Newlywed & Unemployed wrote this month about a book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages. I found her review intriguing and checked out the website for the book, which includes free personal profiles for men and women to determine their love language ranking.

Donald and I both took the online personal profile quiz and then talked about our results. The outcome was so eye opening and so helpful to both of us. The results below show how each of us want to be loved, not necessarily how we show our love for others, although these are related.

My results (in order of importance) were:
Words
Touch
Time
Service
Gifts

Donald's results (in order of importance) were:
Time
Service
Touch
Gifts
Words

I actually had equally high scores on my top three, which gives Donald all sorts of options for showing his love for me. It was particularly revealing to see that Words, one of my top needs, was at the bottom for Donald. I realized that my words to him don't mean nearly so much as his words to me. It helped me see that the things I do for him and the time we spend together is more important than I had previously thought.

We also talked about my low Service need. I chalked it up to being so independent, not wanting to wait for him to open doors for me or do something for me that I could do myself. It's funny how we assume that other people want to be loved the same way we do. If I had pushed on showing most of my love for Donald through Words, I think he would have been mighty disappointed. Same thing if Donald insisted on showing his love for me by showering me with gifts. It's always nice, but not as fulfilling as other things he could do.

What are your love languages? How does this affect your relationships? Have you talked about your needs with your significant other? Do you know what their needs are?

Disability Awareness

2010-02-18T10:02:00.000-05:00

My job working with rehabilitation specialists has educated me about the myths and realities about people with disabilities. In my short time in the blogosphere, I have come across quite a few people who are trying to share good information about the realities of living with disabilities and the things each of us can do to make their lives that much easier.

For example, Barbara Swafford wrote a post a while back at Blogging Without a Blog about how to make your website or blog more accessible to people with disabilities. A recent commenter on my blog, Lindsey, writes her own blog about raising five children with disabilities.

If you're following the Olympics in Vancouver this winter, you might not know that the Paralympics take place from March 12-21 in the same facilities.

I have also been seeing these wonderful ads on TV from Think Beyond the Label about promoting the hiring of people with disabilities. This ties in with my interest in helping Veterans return to "normal" life when they return from the war. Many returning Veterans have disabilities of one kind or another, and they deserve fair hiring practices that allow them to contribute to their country when they come back.

Many of us are currently buried under feet of snow. My particular city has neglected to clear most sidewalks in a high pedestrian area. Pedestrians have been killed by cars because they were walking in the street, the only place clear enough to walk. This is bad enough for those of us who can walk independently. Put yourself in the shoes of someone in a wheelchair and the problem is even more complicated. Public busses cannot get to the curb, so people using wheelchairs have a hard time getting on and off the bus. This is unacceptable, for everyone involved. Solutions are delayed by fights over who's responsibility it is to fix the problem instead of mobilizing the public to help everyone in a communal effort.

On a happier note, many companies are actively making efforts to accommodate people with disabilities. EA Games, a video game company, has taken strides to create settings that meet the needs of people with physical and developmental disabilities. EA Games has partnered with a company called VTree to do more of this kind of work in a project called Games for Good. A group called Able Gamers runs a website all about games and their accessibility highs and lows. This is a powerful group considering that one of their largest consumer bases is made up of Veterans.

As a side note, if you haven't come across Games That Give, check them out. Turn the time you spend playing games on your computer into money for your favorite charity. And it's free.

**Disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with the companies, events, or websites listed above.**

Snow Day

2010-02-10T16:08:00.000-05:00

More like snow week. For those of you not following national weather news, the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast states are being walloped by the second snow storm in a week. It has been quite the adventure, with the university that employs me being closed for three days in a row. It's practically unheard of. For those of you in this area with me, please be careful and stay warm and safe.

You might have noticed that I have been absent from blogs, mine included, for the past week. Part of that is due to the fact that I headed home early last Friday because of the first impending storm. That night, the power went out and stayed out for over 24 hours. We had to bring our cats over to the house so they didn't freeze, which was huge because my mother in law is allergic.

It actually worked out really well and Donald and I spent the night in the basement with the cats in front of the fireplace, quite warm and romantic if you ask me. The power came back on at 4 am Sunday morning, but the phones and internet were down until yesterday. So all I had was my iPhone, and I wasn't about to try blogging from there. I know it's possible, but it's not conducive to the way I write.

Work was cancelled on Monday. And Tuesday. We left home for Donald's job away from home on Tuesday morning after getting some files from my office so I could do work from there. The roads were so bad in the city that it took us an hour just to get to my office. Once we got out of the city and were headed to our final destination, though, the roads were beautiful and clear, so it made for a very nice drive. I actually drove, which put a lot more experience in my belt for driving in the snow. Remember, I grew up in California, where we never had a snow day. Donald thinks this is a tragedy of my upbringing.

Since we arrived, I've been rescheduling housing appointments to avoid the second storm, and sneaking out between to see some places early. So far, it's going really well and I am pleased with our options. I have more appointments through Saturday, so we'll see what happens. Ideally, we'll be able to make a decision early next week and then I really will be "all systems GO" for this move.

So that's the factual version. The more emotional version is that all of this mayhem and confusion has been a really wonderful opportunity and reminder for us to see what is most important as we plan for our upcoming transition. I have felt more competent and responsible in the last week than I have in a long time. We had no problem handling the power outage. We shoveled snow and salted. We cared for our cats and made sure that the pipes didn't freeze.

We were reminded of what is most important. Without power and internet and cable, we had few distractions. We sat together by the fireplace and played board games. We did puzzles. We read books and did crafts and talked. It was like we had gone back in time. It was so nice to slow down and relax and reconnect. We have been slower here and more relaxed and more attuned to spending our time on the most important things rather than the infinite distractions around us.

Even though the storms have been branded dangerous and a mega inconvenience, I am grateful for them. I am grateful that it has given us the opportunity to shift our priorities to the important things. I am grateful that it has given me time away from work to focus on our upcoming transition. And I am grateful that it has pushed me over the fear of being on our own again. If I can drive in snow, baby, I can do anything.

What Is Home?

2010-02-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

I have spent so many hours over the last week looking for rental housing in our potential community. It's a college town and has quite a variety to choose from. Donald and I are trying to avoid undergrad-type housing and we have found several good options. I'm going out with him next week to visit and I have appointments with eight different places of varying styles and prices.

This experience has been a bit more energy-sapping than I had anticipated. I am the kind of girl who loves projects like this, creating spreadsheets and lists, and doing lots of online research and making phone calls. Sneaking into all of this, however, are several thoughts that have had me sitting back a bit and thinking about our next steps.

Living with Donald's parents has affected us. As in, going out on our own again is actually a bit scary sounding, even though it's something we really want. I'm having a hard time trusting prospective landlords and property management companies. I'm wondering what elements will really make our new place a good home for us. Do we pay more for some things? Should we be saving all of our money for a down payment on a house?

The plan right now is to rent for a year or two until we learn about the neighborhoods and get a sense of where we want to live, and then look for a house to buy. We have never owned a house before, so this step is huge for us. The place we move in to first might be for only a year, or it might be for longer, so we're trying to find a balance between saving money and having the amenities that we really want.

Laundry in-home, for example (we have gotten used to it). A yard (garden, dog, space). An extra bedroom or two (office, visitors, babies!). Are all of these worth spending more money on? Even if it delays a house purchase?

And that's just housing stuff. Donald and I definitely need to sit down and figure out our budget further. We have our basic expenses figured out (utilities, groceries, etc.) and it has been a long time since our incomes could cover our expenses. That is a wonderful feeling. It's the extra stuff that we're saving for that gets complicated. I'm going to be consulting Get Rich Slowly for a lot of advice as we move forward.

A down payment on a house is pretty easy to figure out, because we want to hit a certain percentage of the sale price and we have a sense of how much money we want to spend on our first house.

Starting a family is a very fluid thing to save for. Do people actually do that? Or do you just decide it's time to have a family and then deal with whatever expenses come along? Obviously, you can always spend more money on kids, but does anyone have a suggestion about a baseline for a first kid budget? Am I crazy thinking that this is something over which we have control?

Travel is a big one. My family lives in California and we want to see them there at least once a year. We're also trying to set up a yearly visit with some friends of ours, and there are always family get togethers that are fun to attend. My best friend is also getting married this year and I'm throwing part of her bachelorette party, so those expenses are included here as well. Donald and I want to visit a dude ranch (remember my need to learn to barrel ride?) and I want to take him to Europe (Scotland and Italy are first on our list).

Creeping into my consciousness are also a lot of mixed feelings now that this seems like it's actually going to happen. We have had a truly wonderful year staying with Donald's parents. I am so grateful to be able to say that. It hasn't always been fun, but we have really made the most of it and it feels so wonderful to have gotten to know each other so much better. It has also been pretty cushy and we have gotten used to a certain level of pampered-ness that will be hard to leave. We have gotten dependent.

It has been so nice to always have someone home, to talk to, to eat with, to sit in the same room with. It will just be the two of us again (and our two cats) and that might be weird to adjust to at first. That's why my So Close post included making new friends - it will be so important so that we get out of the house and don't drive each other crazy (in a bad way).

We have a snowed-in kind of weekend ahead of us, so maybe it will be time to figure some of these things out. As always, your words of advice, support and encouragement mean so much to me. Thank you for reading.

So Close

2010-02-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

It is so close.

I can see myself running on new bike trails

I see making new friends

I see discovering new places to shop and eat and exercise

I see a new yoga master there, recommended by my current teacher

I see our cats enjoying new space

I see our belongings unpacked

I see myself uncluttering with joy

I see our new laundry room

I see hanging art on the walls

I see sunshine coming in the windows

I see cooking and baking healthy, yummy food

I see my husband coming home from work, tired and happy

I see the beginning of our family

I see peaceful space

I see responsible choices and a happy budget

I see traveling

I see hosting visitors

I see a new puppy and walks and dog parks

I see happy work with a nonprofit I believe in

I see a functional and comfortable home office

I see photos of family and friends everywhere

I see fresh garden produce from my garden

I see community service and a connection with our new home

I see checking out the University, maybe taking classes or workshops

I see continuing to blog and to write and to share

I see a home
I see independence
I see growth
I see quality
I see love

~ Donald's official position offer is just out of reach. We should know something more concrete in the next few weeks. We spent the weekend looking at apartment options online, to move in March. Significant, possibly sudden, transition dances enticingly at the beginning of spring. Fitting. ~

Distance and Distantness

2010-01-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

Last week, Donald arrived home from his job-away-from-home after a very long week. His parents were going out that night, so I was making dinner and I was excited to cook for my man again. It was going to be a night on our own and we were looking forward to it.

The night crashed and burned.

When Donald pulled into the driveway, I went out to greet him. I stopped partway to the car however, realizing that the dinner I had started was still cooking away on the stove and I needed to go right back inside to tend to it. So instead of enjoying a proper greeting, Donald went to change his clothes and I went back to the kitchen with no contact and only a few words exchanged.

I was focused on preparing the meal (something I hadn't made before), so when Donald came through the kitchen, he didn't stop. He caught up with his dad in another room. I noticed this, and realizing that we hadn't greeted each other, I went into the room and gave him a big sideways hug so as not to interrupt their conversation. Not really satisfying for either of us.

The meal turned out well and we even played footsie under the table as we ate. I was distracted, however, because earlier in the day, I had been brainstorming about how I was worried that our differing choices about how we each spend our free time might mean that we don't have as much in common as I thought we should. I wanted to share my thoughts with Donald and I knew that I should bring it up as soon as I could so that we could figure it out together.

I seriously misjudged. Donald hadn't been home long enough to unwind. I started the conversation in a round-about and indirect way. I didn't couch the situation as something to figure out - Donald heard it as something I had decided, not something for discussion. I was thinking about me and how I need to make sure that I'm spending my time doing things for ME so I don't end up like my mother, yet I wanted to make sure that our interests still overlapped so that we were still spending quality time together.

The entire evening really threw Donald off. I hadn't thought about what I wanted to say, which created a very confused conversation that was potentially very scary. I mean, what do you say to your spouse when they seem to be telling you that you don't have enough in common? I was too wrapped up in my head to see how it came across until the stress hit a high point.

We see-sawed between being argumentative and snuggling in front of the TV (I'm not sure how) and we went to bed with a high level of stress and distance between us. I could tell that Donald was upset and instead of trying to comfort him and reassure him, I gave him space and silence so he could tell me what he was thinking. I was distant, physically and emotionally. That wasn't what he needed.

My "giving him space" came across as though I didn't want to touch him, didn't want to interact with him. This only exacerbated the stress between us. We worked it out that night, in the dark, trying to figure out how our communication could have gone so badly off the rails.

After some reflection, I'm wondering about what has changed. Perhaps the physical distance between us while he is back and forth to his job has created emotional distance? Perhaps I have adopted a more independent mind-set so that while he is gone I am still functional and productive? Perhaps the fact that Donald is working again has thrown off my balance in terms of my role and his expectations?

Even though I understand the circumstances that lead to our tiff, and I think that many of them can be avoided in the future, it's important to me to learn more from this experience than the surface things.

I know that I need to be clearer when I talk to Donald about our relationship, especially when my thoughts are scary. I need to phrase things better so he knows that we're still on the same team and that we will work things out together.

I know that when Donald is upset, he needs comforting and reassurance. Even though his words might say "give me space" he wants a hug and for me to show him that I love him no matter what. This will also get me to stop thinking about myself in that moment and to remember that he needs me.

I know that we're still in a phase of transition and that Donald and I need to keep talking about our expectations and roles in our marriage. I need to balance being independent and remembering that even when he is not physically present, that I am not alone. My walls need to come down, not get reinforced.

I know that spending our free time differently doesn't matter. Right now, we don't have as many opportunities to spend time together, so it seems like we're not doing as much together, but when we're living in our own place again, we will have these opportunities again and I know that we will find a new balance.

I know that in addition to being more aware of Donald's love for me and the ways he shows me that he loves me, I need to do the same for him. This means supporting his interests and learning more about him and what makes him tick. It means showing him that I appreciate what he does for me. I don't have to do everything he likes all the time and he doesn't have to do that for me either. It's about making the effort, like wearing a piece of jewelry he bought you that you haven't worn much, or reminding him that you play video games because he got you to try something new and that he pushes you to be a better person.

Two of the blogs I read gave me some important marriage advice that I wish I had read before I poked Donald at a low energy moment. Kate and Newlywed & Unemployed wrote "How to Motivate a Man" and Corey at Simple Marriage wrote "Marriage Made Easy Before It Begins". I'm sure I'll be sharing more about what I learn about the difficulties (and triumphs) of marriage and I hope you'll join me and share your experiences too.

Blog Awards #2 and #3!

2010-01-27T08:16:00.000-05:00

Mindy of The Suburban Life was more than generous when she awarded me not one but two blog awards last week. She has bestowed the Lemonade Award and the Best Blog Award upon me and I only hope that I continue to be worthy of such blog love.

I'm going to shamelessly copy Mindy and bestow both of these awards to the same blogs.

For the Lemonade Award:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post. (check!)
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude. (see below)
- Link the nominees within your post. (check!)
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog. (check!)
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award. (check!)

For the Best Blog Award:
The rules for this award require me to nominate up to 15 blogs to share in my acclaim. (again, see below)

The awardees (in alphabetical order):
(1) booshy - Jessica (not Jess) is funny and open and I think just starting to embark on discovering more about who she is and what she wants to do with her life.
(2) communicatrix - Colleen is diving deep and producing wonderful, raw and honest posts about her journey.
(3) Dreamin' the Life - Karen is new to her journey as a recovering alcoholic and I love how much she shares with her readers about the struggles she encounters along the way.
(4) Ethereal Joy - Joy writes often about her process in becoming more connected to Light and God and she lives on a boat with her two kids.
(5) Joy Discovered - Jodi shares her experiences with love and life with a lovely writing style and I have learned so much from her.
(6) Just My Thoughts - Jill is so open about her exploration of her own life, raising six children, and finding her way to a more peaceful existence.
(7) Confessions of a Young Married Couple - Katie is up for Weblog of the Year and I have loved reading about her journeys through motherhood and marriage.
(8) Newlywed & Unemployed - Kate is one of my biggest supporters on my blog these days and writes wonderfully about her new marriage and her daily life experiences. Her husband, Gary, also contributes some wonderful insights into the male perspective, or as they term it, "mansight".
(9) Thinking Out Loud - Kim was one of my first supporters and she writes such amazing, creative, poignant posts about her experiences and her journey through life.
(10) Wilma's Blog - Wilma and Ann-Marie write thought-provoking and eye-opening posts, incorporating the comments from their readers into following posts, creating a strong sense of community and encouraging personal development as they share their own experiences and listen to those of others.

Please visit them and congratulate them on winning their awards! Thanks again to Mindy for her kindness!

I See You

2010-01-26T11:40:00.002-05:00

I saw the movie, Avatar, recently. Now, whatever you think about the movie and plot as a whole, and whether you are able to suspend your disbelief about it or not, I can say that it affected me deeply.

I didn't expect anything of the movie except significant visual impact. We saw the 3-D version. It did not disappoint. It was beautiful and breathtaking. What I didn't expect was to feel truly inspired by the lead Na'vi female character, named Neytiri.

She is strong, mentally, physically and emotionally. She is connected with nature and respects and appreciates the animals that are killed for food. She shows compassion. She has grace. She expresses a strong sense of faith and belief. She is respected in her community and she is aware of her peoples' history and memories. She is daring and brave and happy.

Since seeing the movie, I hold her image in my mind, asking myself "What would she do?". This question pushes me to try harder, to complain less, to try new things, to express what I think, to be loyal to my values.

The movie also reinforced my need for more peace in my life. I need to carve out physical space to do yoga, to write, to meditate, to think, somewhere quiet without technology or interruptions. I want to connect more with nature, to heighten my awareness of the beauty around me, even in the dead of winter. I want to improve my connection with memory and ancestors and stories and identity.

The Na'vi greet each other by saying "I see you." Joy wrote about this on her blog recently, too. Susan Scott in Fierce Conversations (p.92) notes this phrase in use by tribes in South Africa who say "sawu bona" (I see you) and respond with "sikhona" (I am here). Scott says "The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist. It's as if, when you see me, it brings me into existence." It emphasizes the need for presentness and connection. I need to remember this, to focus on being present and on seeing people more clearly, to truly listen and connect.

I Am Truly Loved

2010-01-25T14:19:00.002-05:00

This might sound completely off the wall and ridiculous, and I'm going to share it with all of you anyway.

I'm playing a video game called Dragon Age: Origins. In the game, you meet different characters as you go and you can develop relationships with them, speaking to them about their experiences and learning about who they are. The character development is my favorite part of the game.

Romantic relationships are also an option in this game, leading up to a cheesy/lovely sexual cut scene that doesn't show nudity, but implies plenty of... er... enjoyment. <Ahem.> The point is, when I developed my character's relationship with a character in the game to this point, I was very surprised at how much this "development" affected me.

It wasn't just the cut scene being sexy. It was the (fantasy) relationship itself. I was all smiles and giggles and it made me feel happy. I realized how strange this was (so did Donald) and I wanted to understand why I reacted this way to a fantasy relationship in a video game.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what made me feel happy was the sense of being loved. I thought about my relationship with Donald and why I haven't reacted in the same way to my relationship with him, recently at least. It slowly dawned on me that I have not been present enough in my relationship with Donald to see all of the things that show me that he loves me. I believe that he loves me, yet I have not opened myself up fully enough to truly see it, to truly feel it.

In my dating life, I was always looking for "the one". I tried to make each and every guy I dated a possible match. I did everything I could to tweak my own behavior and preferences to be desirable to them (within boundaries). Most of the time, my interest in forever scared them off (I can't imagine why!), so I think I learned to protect myself from rejection. I think this backfired, however, and meant that when I did find real and true love in Donald, I wasn't able to open up completely to this reality.

Donald has been so patient. I cannot count the number of times that I have asked him to show more affection, to touch me more, to connect with me more. And all the time, now clear looking back, he was doing these things. Somehow I did not register them. My protectiveness blinded me to many things he does to show how much he loves me.

I'm still trying to understand this in myself. I'm somewhat embarassed that I have spent the first five years of our marriage in a state that didn't allow me to experience the full happiness of being loved by my husband. I'm working hard to pull down the protective wall and to truly see my husband and his feelings for me.

At this point, I think it is mostly about being present and aware. I will appreciate Donald more and tell him that I do. I will thank him and be grateful. It's about slowing down. It's about making eye contact. It's about opening my heart to something I have always wanted.

Goals and Progress

2010-01-22T08:43:00.001-05:00

Progress has been made in some of my goals and I needed a reminder to keep moving forward on some others. I got a little push from Laura Neff who guest posted at Lance's The Jungle of Life earlier this week, who reminded Lance's readers that we need to move forward on our goals a step at a time and keep moving forward.

I remembered my word of the year, Clarity, and realized that there is more I can be doing to keep that my focus. I have planned in my calendar to call members of my family every other week, switching between my mom and sister one week and my dad and brother another week. This weekend it's my mom and sister. The conversation with my mom will be challenging and hopefully good.

I'm going to follow up with her about how I feel about her seemingly judgmental and assuming attitude towards my marriage and how I am not going to explain and defend myself/us anymore. I'll let you know how it goes.

I started doing a little exercise when I get home from work, before I get distracted by other evening activities. I'm using the wonderful little workouts outlined in Real Simple magazine every month. Yesterday, I spent 20 minutes doing exercises to strengthen my shoulders. They have nice short workouts for specific areas of the body and for a general all-body workout. My goal is to exercise for at least 20 minutes for 5 days a week. I'm already back to yoga once a week (for 1.5 hours each time!) and it makes me SO happy.

Donald surprised me yesterday by starting to use the iPhone application LoseIt! again. It's a calorie counting application that helped us lose weight last year. We both stopped using it - Donald because I think he was discouraged, me because I figured I had learned to keep the weight off - and I am so proud that Donald wants to start using it again. It has a Friends feature that allows you to share your goals and progress with people you know, which sounds scary and can also add a degree of accountability, much like sharing one's progress on a blog. I'm going to start using the app again simply to make sure that I'm on track and to help me maintain my weight, which I'm happy with.

His job continues to go really well. He is pretty confident these days that his job will become permanent, we just don't know exactly when yet. My boss at my current job is aware of the situation and I told him that I would let him know as we had more information. I feel loyalty to my current job, yet I know that if I can work full-time for the non-profit with which I currently volunteer, I would prefer to do that. At the moment, I'm content to see what happens. I have a feeling that my choices will become clear soon.

I'm finding lately that when I think about my "Happy Wish List" (some call this a bucket list or daisy list), I'm interested in adding more and more things that involve risky activities. Things like learning to barrel ride, driving on a stunt driving course, and rock climbing (maybe on a wall). I should tell you that I didn't exactly have a teenage period, not in the typical way at least. While I did bend the rules when it came to dating guys, I was otherwise very straight-laced, following my parents rules and generally trying my best not to worry them. I grew up constantly aware of consequences, always wanting to be responsible and being unwilling to take many risks.

So for me to want to do these things now I see as progress, too. I don't want to be reckless, I just want to live a little more than I have before. I want to try something that scares me. I want to accomplish something challenging and difficult and come through on the other side even more confident and skilled. I want to prove to myself that I can hold my own and face down my fears and win. And I want to do it for me.

It all has to do with the question "What would I do if I was not afraid?". What is your answer?

Forgiveness and Conflict

2010-01-20T11:16:00.001-05:00

During the holiday season this past year, several bloggers wrote posts about forgiveness. Tess at The Bold Life posted wonderful suggestions about how to get through the holiday season with grace, including the suggestion to “Forgive your past and everyone in it.” Albert at Urban Monk wrote about the healing purpose of forgiveness and Daphne at Joyful Days wrote about forgiveness as a gift.

I took their messages to heart and managed to enter potentially stressful family situations almost with a blank slate. Dani at positively present inspired this with her snowflakes post. I wanted to approach my family members with completely clear eyes, trying to see them as though we had just met and I couldn’t wait to get to know them. I let go of the baggage.

I think this is what helped me enjoy the holidays as much as I did. It also helped me to turn the baggage between my mom and me into useful questions and conversations that will hopefully enhance our relationship.

I read several posts about relationships in the past few months that I’m sure have informed my actions recently. Danielle at White Hot Truth wrote about how focused she was about sending her love outward towards many important world causes and realizing that she had been neglecting her love at home.

Corey at Simple Marriage writes about relationships all the time and a few have jumped out at me in particular. The first one is from back in November when he wrote about how much he loves others, which connects to some questions I raised in my marriage post about truly asking someone “How are you?”. This month, he has been delving into the idea of our lives as a story and our responsibility to our happiness to write the stories we want to be in.

In “A Simple Marriage in 2010” Corey got me thinking about the conflicts I have been avoiding in my relationships. The follow up to that, called “Move Into the Conflict and Live a Great Story”, encouraged me to identify the conflict and then move into it. As I have written before, conflict terrifies me and I would much rather smooth things over than face it head on. We’ll see how this goes.

Shame

2010-01-15T15:06:00.001-05:00

I accompanied Donald to his job away from home this week, which was a real treat for me and for him. While the visit itself was full of learning more about our possible future home, I learned so much more from a conversation we had in the car on the way there.

At the dinner table sometime last week, something about materialism came up and Donald launched into how my mom is so anti-materialistic. All I could do was shoot him a look and change the subject, which his parents may or may not have noticed. I was mortified and embarrassed and a little hurt. One of the things we learned during our pre-marital counseling was that I'm responsible for handling my family and he's responsible for handling his. I felt like that rule had been a bit forgotten.

I didn't bring it up until our car ride a few days later. I didn't want to address him about it at the dinner table in front of his parents. I started by reminding him of the event and expressing that I thought he shouldn't bring up my mom in a negative light like that, especially when he didn't have first-hand information. I reminded him of the pre-marital counseling. I was calm and asked Donald not to talk about my mom like that anymore.

He resisted a bit, understanding my perspective and also wanting to be able to express his own frustration about the choices my mom has made. I felt stuck in the middle of them, trying to defend my mom and being angry that she didn't simply accept Donald, and feeling protective of Donald. Then, it dawned on me.

With a quivering voice, I changed the direction of the conversation slightly. This was actually about me. I explained that I am ashamed that my mom cannot embrace Donald into her family the way his parents have included me. I am embarassed that my mom cannot support our marriage the way Donald's family has. I see the disparity between the way our families have accepted us as a married couple.

Donald immediately understood my perspective. He didn't want me to feel ashamed; I am not responsible for my mom's actions. At the same time, I want so badly to give him a wonderful family-in-law and I'm not completely able to do that. I think my mom will come around and luckily the rest of my family is wonderfully accepting, in their own understated way, even my dad.

So Donald and I are both more connected about this now. I don't really have any action items on this; it may just take time for my mom to sort out her life enough that she can see what is most important. It may be that she never stops judging. Donald and I know, at least, that we are on the same page together, and that we will come up with ways to respond to her judging attitude in ways that open the door for conversation and also stay in alignment with our own values.

We also know that now is the time to practice, before children become yet another thing that potentially incurs disapproval. To think that I spent so much of my childhood seeking my parents approval and had it, and now, when I have stopped seeking that so much, I don't have it from my mother anymore, at least not in everything that matters to me.

I just wish it weren't quite so painful.

Explaining Myself

2010-01-13T12:00:00.005-05:00

When someone asks me a question, sometimes I assume that it comes weighted with a judgment. When I respond to heavy questions like these, I include in my answer some kind of explanation of myself, some kind of justification for my actions.

It’s a very defensive response. Even if I am right in perceiving judgment, why should I have to explain myself?

I find that this happens most often with my mom and my mother-in-law. Clearly, these are complicated relationships and I don’t think that should be enough of a reason for me to pre-empt further questions by selling myself down the river on a boat of explanations.

I need to start being more aware of my responses before I say them, to respond with the simple answer and to wait and see whether justification is requested. Then, if it is, don’t give one.

(Most of the time these explanations are about mundane or banal things, like why I wore long-johns under my jeans all day when I spent most of my time inside. Who cares? Did it hurt anyone?)

No more explaining. I just do what I do. I take responsibility for it. If it isn’t affecting anyone else, I don’t need to tell you why.

Following and Balancing Passion

2010-01-09T12:00:00.002-05:00

In early December 2009, Lisis at Quest for Balance wrote a very popular and controversial post called “Net Worth Vs Self Worth: The Passion Paradox”. Several other bloggers wrote responses, one of whom was David at Raptitude in “What Passion Will Buy You”.

At the time, while I wrote detailed comments on both posts, I hadn’t yet formulated my thoughts well enough for a post of my own. Now I have, in my own fashion.

I think that passion can be a worthwhile pursuit when it is couched in the knowledge that this discovery and search is life-long, not something that a book or a blog can tell you right away.

Donald and I approach success and passion differently. I have always encouraged him to find a job that he loves (even during his year of unemployment). He wants a job with a good enough income that he can support his family. While these two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive, they do sometimes cause conflict over what is most important to us. We both want to be happy and to support our family.

Jeffrey’s post at The Art of Great Things called “In Defense of Work-Life Balance” woke me up to the fact that typical 9-5 jobs are not inherently evil. They serve many purposes, including the ones Donald has. My role then, is not to constantly push Donald to find a job he loves. My role is to help him balance his work and life and to make sure that his non-work time is what he wants it to be. My role is also to remind him every once in a while of his passions and dreams and help him find ways to realize them.

As Donald reminds me, he has the same role for me and I need to keep paying attention to my own needs. For some reason this is really hard for me. Right now, I am so focused on gearing up for having a family, especially after reading Katie’s post about 7 months of motherhood at Confessions of a Young Married Couple.

I am also acutely aware of the fact that it’s quite possible to lose myself in motherhood, when it happens, and that I desperately want to avoid the realization after 30 years of marriage that I have neglected important things, as my mother has experienced.

And so I consider the things that ignite my own passion. It is so tempting to believe that wandering off the beaten path is to be rewarded with financial success and happiness. While I don’t want to make my passions into money, I do see the value in bringing passion to the work I do, no matter what it is.

I highly recommend going through the Finding My Passion questions at Blogging Without A Blog. Donald and I went through them together, for each of us, and I learned so much about us as a couple and as individuals. The more we each express our values and priorities, the better life we can create together.

Break Out of the Box

2010-01-08T13:25:00.003-05:00

Seth Godin at Seth’s Blog has posted a couple of thoughts this week that have me itching to break out of the box. I love the part in “Without Them” when he says “People are rarely willing to step up and stop you, and often just waiting to follow someone crazy enough to actually do something.” In “Why Ask Why?” he reminds me that breaking out of the box often leads to improvements.

I tend to push the status quo at work, asking questions about why we do things the way we do and chafing at the rules trying to find more efficient and productive ways to do things. Perhaps it’s time to do this more, in all contexts, not simply to fluster rule-followers, but to provoke original thought and positive change.

Lisis' post called “Net Worth Vs Self Worth: The Passion Paradox” at Quest for Balance gave me the sense that quitting the rat race might mean that we aren’t participating in trying to improve it. Is it possible that the changes we want at work might actually be needed and that we are the motivated, intelligent, and passionate people who can help improve a workplace environment? What if all we need to do is to ask for the change we seek? There are probably others who want the same things. How can we apply our passion to these kinds of things?

In response to my comment on her post, Lisis said, “What if we poured our passion and creativity into improving the rat race experience for ourselves and for others? ... More and more businesses are realizing the importance of overall wellness and creating a positive work/ life balance (happy workers earn more and cost less than unhappy, sickly, or quitting workers)… Those who just wish their rat race experience was a little more exciting, fulfilling, and interesting don’t need to run off and try to be entrepreneurs. ... Finding ways to improve the workplace environment would benefit FAR more people than finding ways to help individuals go off on their own.”

How can you improve your context? What do you do every day without knowing why? (think paperwork, approval processes, red tape) What would happen if you asked?

Word of the Year

2010-01-07T12:30:00.002-05:00

As an afterthought to a recent post, I picked a word of the year for 2010. Unfortunately, the word I picked has some mental connotations for me that are less than inspirational.

I picked the word "CLEANSE". Does your junk email box come to mind, perhaps coupled with the word "colon"?

<cringe>

So, I looked through my trusty thesaurus for a better, less burdened word.

My new word for the year is CLARITY. It still works with the explanations I gave in my first choice of words, thusly:

I will declutter and organize, clearing my space. I will breathe deeply and intentionally, clearing my body. I will reaffirm my faith and gratitude and present-ness, clearing my soul.

Clarity also works wonderfully well with communication, another biggie I'm emphasizing in my life these days.

There, I feel better now. Lighter, even.

Faith and Gratitude

2010-01-06T12:21:00.001-05:00

When I was in grade school, I read a book by Leonard Baskin called Imps, Demons, Hobgoblins, Witches, Fairies & Elves. The author is primarily known as an artist and the poems he wrote to accompany his images are fun and interesting to read.

One of these creatures in particular had a significant impact on me and my development of faith and gratitude. It is The Witch of Secret Good Deeds, her image is on the book cover if you click on the link above and her poem is this:

Sometimes there are
people who feel that
nobody cares about
them. They want
people to love them
but nobody does. On
the outside they look
ugly and witchlike.
They are witches, but
they are good, and
you never know it.
They make you see
your watch when
you have lost it. They
put another cookie in
the bag when you thought
it was empty. They
get you home safely
on dark nights and
do other good deeds.
But no one knows of these
good things. No one loves
them, and they are
very, very sad.

This poem and image was the beginning of my habit of whispering "thank you" when something goes right. My little heart broke when I thought of these poor witches who are so sad and crying and are unloved. I have definitely found another cookie in the bag when I thought they were gone. I resolved then and there to never take that for granted again.

There are so many times when things have gone well when the chances that they would were very low. I would put these witches and guardian angels on the same level - I think they do their best to help us live safely and happily and I thank them for their part in my life.

What has inspired you to be grateful?

Rocking 2010

2010-01-04T11:43:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! I am amazed to report that I have been incredibly productive since the beginning of the year and I think I owe much of it to all of you!

January 1 - Donald and I went through all of his clothing (just like I did in my Great Clothing Clean-out Project), removing three large bags of clothes. I started cleaning out our file cabinet (motivated by Unclutterer) - it was cheap and buckled when we moved, so we need to get rid of it, a perfect opportunity to get rid of some paper.

January 2 - I finished cleaning out our file cabinet, reducing four file drawers to three small square boxes of files. I overflowed our recycling basket there was so much unneeded paper. I also filled a garbage bag with shredded paper from documents with sensitive information on them.

January 3 - I got up and went to yoga class. I ran errands, including recycling all of the paper I removed from our filing cabinet, donating the clothing from Donald, and picking up a book from the library. I spent some time doing some research for the Veterans organization I support.

I have a feeling that being at work will impede further progress at the same pace. It's probably good, though, for me to slow down a little and enjoy the progress I have made so far.

How have all of you been doing with your new year so far?

I'm planning blog posts soon with updates on my mom conversations, my thoughts on faith and gratitude, and more thoughts on marriage. Are there topics you'd like to hear about from me?

I'm editing my post to add the following:
Hayden and Lance both wrote about their new theme words for 2010 and as I was reading Hayden's post, my word struck me suddenly, clearly illustrated by the progress I have already made this year - CLEANSE. I will declutter and organize, cleansing my space. I will breathe deeply and intentionally, cleansing my body. I will reaffirm my faith and gratitude and present-ness, cleansing my soul.

Do you have a word for the year?

I wish you the best in 2010!

A Christmas Debrief

2009-12-30T12:00:00.084-05:00

I have returned from our holiday trip and I have generally good news to report!

Donald and I were pleasantly surprised with a small gift exchange on Christmas Eve, in front of a fire with cookies and tea and a genuine giving spirit in all of us. The Christmas Eve church service in the church where we were married was quite moving and just the right thing. The incense made me cough, so I chose not to sing. Instead, I listened to Donald and my brother sing the harmony lines to familiar Christmas carols and my heart sang with them.

I regressed into a habit of talking about myself more than listening or asking questions. Donald helped me snap out of it. I have often experienced a conflict between who I am away from home and the person I was before I left, although this time I think it was easier to remember who I am now. I have more confidence, I have learned to express my needs and preferences more often, I tried to see everyone with new and fresh eyes, without the clouds of the past altering my perspective.

We had the traditional big Christmas morning breakfast and then visited with family friends for a large and celebratory Christmas dinner. It was there, while catching up with friends I hadn't seen in several years, that I clarified my understanding of my job and my career goals, a wonderful holiday gift to receive.

We gave my brother the game Settlers of Catan, which if you haven't played is well worth it. It was a huge hit and we played a game almost every day. Donald gave me a luscious pair of red high heels that I had been wistfully desiring - I danced around the living room trying not to squeal like a schoolgirl.

We spent a lot of time outside in the sunny California air, the skies mostly clear after some winds came through just before we arrived. We hiked in the mountains of my youth, although on new trails, and it all came rushing back to me just how important these vistas and views are to my sense of wellbeing. This is the source of my yearning for the West, these mountains are what I think about when I seek confidence or a sense of who I am. I have no idea how to meet this need of mine when mountains like this are not to be found where we will be living. Luckily, I have many people I can visit in wonderful lands such as these, so that will have to do for now.

The terrain I grew up in helped support me in my new being, to be present in the moment, to appreciate where I am, and to ask hard questions and be open to hearing the answer. On one walk, completely on a daring whim, I slithered between two parallel rocks sitting at a 45 degree angle to the steeper slope of the hill. I braced myself between them with my knees and made my way upwards, finding handholds in the rock above me and letting the one below me bear the weight of my back and feet. My siblings and Donald were impressed with me. It felt wonderful. There were a lot of bonding moments like that on this visit.

On another walk, this one with just my mom, a question popped into my head and fell out of my mouth, "Do you think I have compromised my values because of my relationship with Donald?" She was behind me on the trail so I could not see her face. She said yes. I asked her to tell me how. It was important for me to understand her perspective, even though (or because) this question is linked to my pain about whether she is able to support my marriage to Donald at all. Despite the difficult content, it was a wonderful feeling to have open conversations with her.

Donald left two days before I did because he had to work (I am still so overjoyed to be able to type those words... he had to work - can you see me jumping up and down with joy?). I was amazed at the change that came over me when I returned to my parents' home after dropping him off at the airport. I sat down to the table to eat and the silence was overwhelming. I felt like I had lost something very important. I think it was connected to who I am at home and who I am away. The loneliness departed and left me with a better understanding of myself.

How were your holidays?

I hope all of you end this year with happiness and celebration and start the new year with at least as much of the same. Happy New Year to all of you.

2009 - Year in Review

2009-12-23T07:00:00.005-05:00

This year has been filled with activity, difficulties, changes, and growth. I thought it would be nice to reflect here and to share my hopes for 2010.

January brought our decision to move from our apartment to live with Donald's parents. The money was running out and my income alone would not sustain us. Donald had been unemployed and looking for approximately 5 months.

In February, I left a job that was probably the best one I had had so far, yet was not even close to meeting my potential or challenging me to improve. We packed and moved over the course of a week, settling in just before the end of the month. We left good friends behind who were expecting a baby in the first week of March and missed being a part of his homecoming.

March saw us through a lot of adjustments, getting settled in our new space, unpacking some boxes and storing others. I hung out for a couple of weeks and then dove right into job searching for myself. Donald continued his search. We also took the opportunity to visit my family while we both had no obligations.

April came with more job applications and an interview or two. I also increased my involvement in a volunteer organization I work with to meet returning Veterans' needs. Donald tried to keep his head above water. May delivered me a new job, a happy thing and a frustrating thing for Donald because I had found one so quickly. I was happy to see that this job actually connected with some of my values, despite my overqualified status.

In June, my insurance kicked in and I got updated with doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc. I made Donald do it too - I'm a big fan of preventative medicine. I started getting involved in my in-laws' garden, pulling weeds, harvesting anything that had ripened, and getting my hands dirty. I also traveled for work for the first time in my life, an interesting experience. July brought me the pleasure of more gardening. I started expanding my knowledge at work, getting through training and making some good connections with helpful people.

August was the beginning of Donald's communication with the company he's currently working for, the beginning of a very long process that is still ongoing. I started learning more and more about my job and the needs of the Veteran population, gaining motivation and energy from the knowledge that I was contributing to creating solutions. I made a last minute travel decision and helped my sister move to her new job. Most importantly, I started my blog. I began the journey that has had the greatest impact of the year on me.

I was so excited about blogging and getting started that I wrote 28 posts in 27 days in August. My first comment was from Jessica at booshy and I was thrilled. I have no idea how she found me. I wrote about so many different topics, including marriage, depression, cooking and baking, gardening, and what it was like to live with my in-laws. It was the beginning of my journey into personal development, the beginning of my blog as a little more than just an online journal. I think my adventure with my sister is a clear indication that by the end of the month, I was open to change and ready to grow.

In September, I branched out in the blogs I was reading for more inspiration. Some days I would post three times. When I posted about other blogs, linking to them and writing about why they had impacted me, I significantly increased the number of comments on my blog. I immediately recognized the value of community, of sharing, and of spreading helpful information to anyone who read what I had to say.

In October, I reduced the number of posts I wrote and tried to focus on themes and quality, sharing my innermost thoughts in search for comfort, support, and encouragement from my readers. I was not disappointed. When I hit a low point, I had the largest number of commenters I had ever had before.

November and December have been very light posting months for me. I think it's partially because of the holidays, because of my workload picking up, and because I have been making an effort to say less and think/listen more. I am doing more than I am talking about doing, and that feels sublime. I'm also in a somewhat more confident place now that Donald is working. It has given me time to think about other things in my life that can be improved and I am happy letting those evolve slowly.

If I haven't said it clearly before now, the community I have discovered and grown with through my blog has had a very positive impact on me. I have grown more in the past few months than I have in several years. I know that I can depend on my readers for a hug, for support and encouragement, for wise words, a kick in the pants, and perspectives based on many years of experience. I am so grateful for all of you and I am excited to see what the new year brings knowing that I have all of you in my life to help me and cheer me on.

In 2010, I am looking forward to quite a few things:

Improving my relationship with my mom
Improving my communication with my family and friends
Moving out of the in-laws' home and into our own, setting up a home
Adding a dog to our family
Moving forward on adding children to our family
Decluttering as I unpack the boxes that have been in storage for almost a year
Writing in my blog about my experiences and observations, reading the blogs I love
Doing something just for me at least once a week
Traveling with Donald before we have a family
Setting up a clear budget based on our values and priorities
Starting my own garden
Cooking and baking and trying new recipes
Adjusting my job/career to further align with my values and passions, allowing me flexibility and making a contribution
Standing side by side with Donald and making our marriage flourish

How was your 2009? What are you looking forward to in 2010?

Happy New Year!

My First Blog Award

2009-12-21T12:12:00.003-05:00

Kate over at Newlywed and Unemployed gave me my first blog award yesterday, the Happy 101 Award.

The rules are:
1. List 10 things that make you happy.
2. Try to do at least one thing on the list today.
3. List 10 bloggers who brighten your day.
4. Those of you to whom I give this award are to link back to my blog and perpetuate the happy with your own lists and recipients and whatnot.

I don't normally do things like this, but it's almost a new year, so here goes:

10 things that make me happy:
1. Donald
2. My kitties purring
3. Thoughts of our future children
4. Sunshine
5. Being productive
6. Gardening
7. Eating healthy, quality food
8. Clothes that make me look good
9. Trying something new and succeeding
10. Mountains

I will have numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, and 8 in my day today.

10 bloggers who brighten my day:
1. Lisis at Quest for Balance
2. Peggy at Serendipity Smiles
3. suzen at Erasing the Bored
4. Barbara at Blogging Without A Blog
5. Colleen at Communicatrix
6. Wilma at Wilma's Blog
7. Jessica at booshy
8. Kim at Thinking Out Loud
9. Tess at The Bold Life
10. Lance at The Jungle of Life

Personally, I don't have a stake in whether my 10 bloggers do this on their blog or not - I think it's a personal choice. I am happy to have given them some recognition though. They are all worth a read.

Happy Monday everyone!

To Gift Or Not To Gift

2009-12-18T11:47:00.002-05:00

I’ve been struggling this year about giving and receiving gifts. After going through a decluttering phase (the first of many), I realized that I don’t want more stuff. I want experiences and memories and a few quality things that I enjoy. I want to give with those values in mind too.

My family has been weird about Christmas since my mom left my dad immediately after Christmas a few years ago (it wasn't related to the holiday directly and had been a long time coming). Donald and I will be with them this year (we switch between families each year) and we have no idea what to expect. It has nothing to do with the gifts – we’re trying to recreate our own family traditions now that things have changed so much.

However, since gift giving (and receiving) tends to be such a big part of this country's celebration of Christmas, I've been paying particular attention to the emerging online discussion about giving fewer/less expensive/no gifts this year.

I don't know if it's just because of the tough economy and the unemployment rate, certainly things Donald and I can identify with, but it seems like there is a developing trend over thinking more about the gifts we give, or deciding not to give any gifts at all. I think this is a wonderful development. For example:

The Unclutterer has posted quite a few holiday gift guides, including Gifts the Unclutterers are giving.
Mindy at The Suburban Life wrote about how she is balancing gifts with the spirit of the season.
Jeffry Tang at The Art of Great Things blogged about "free" things not actually being free and included an interesting section about why people give and our expectations of receiving something in return.
Leo at Zen Habits provides a list of books that might make perfect "frugal and green" gifts.

With all of these things in mind, Donald and I still ended up buying material things for our immediate families this year. We put serious thought into making sure that what we gave would be appreciated by the recipient and would show that we know the person well enough to support what is important to each of them. Our recipient list consisted of ten people only (besides each other), which kept our budget small. I think we found a good balance between giving something meaningful and giving something material.

As for our changing holiday traditions, gift giving is a small part of the way we have spent Christmas in the past, yet there are elements of the overall scene at Christmas that are related. For example, if you're not going to exhange gifts, do you still get a tree? What do you put under it? Do you do stockings? How do we accommodate those members of my family who are uncomfortable about giving and receiving gifts and still allow those of us who want to give thoughtful gifts to do so?

When Donald and I arrive in California next week, we know that we will be picked up from the airport by at least one member of my family. We have no idea whether there will be a tree or whether it will be decorated or whether there will be Christmas lights on the house. We're bringing stockings (replacement ones - our real ones are packed somewhere) and we have no idea whether we'll need them or not. We're bringing a gift for each other that may end up being opened on Christmas morning in our bedroom without including anyone else. We're sending gifts ahead for other members in my family and we have no idea when they will be opened or whether they will be appreciated.

I'm mourning a little for the loss of the routines and traditions we used to have, despite the fact that I agree with reducing the materialistic feeling many Christmases have had. I'm also aware that my reaction to these changes is likely related to the circumstances through which they have taken place (my parents separation).

I can, however, likely count on our traditional Christmas morning breakfast. I'm planning a day trip for all of us to get outside and enjoy the amazing resources California has to offer. We'll play games and go out to eat and cook and take walks. The most important things will happen - spending time with family and sharing meals and appreciating what we have.

This will definitely be a test for me to see how able I am to let go of the things I cannot control and to focus on the most important aspects of the holiday season. I'll let you know how it goes.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

No Marriage Is Perfect

2009-12-12T12:58:00.001-05:00

When Lisis hosted Zeenat of Positive Provocations on Quest For Balance, the resulting conversation sparked an idea for a post about marriage. In my comment, I said,

"I often wish it were easier for married couples to be open about the difficulties of marriage and to be able to ask for help without always having to pretend that everything is perfect."

Lisis responded, saying,

"Daphne… you’ve brought up a major issue I’ve been thinking about lately, regarding marriage. Why do we always have to give the appearance of a perfect marriage? Lots of people I know who are divorced might have been able to save their marriage, or get out sooner, had they been able to talk to each other or their friends and loved ones openly about what was going on. But no one wants to admit that THEIR marriage is difficult.

I’ve got news for everyone out there: EVERY marriage is difficult at times. The only way it isn’t is if you aren’t really IN it… if you don’t have skin in the game, and just coast through it protected by indifference. But what kind of marriage would that be? We need to get over ourselves and our desire to pretend everything is perfect and start talking, REALLY talking about what is going on."

This is a HUGE conversation and it starts now.

(Originally planned as a guest post on Lisis' blog, we have moved the venue here because of some recent very interesting conversations on another topic happening at her blog right now.)

Marriage is hard. So many of us buy into the idea that a good marriage is supposed to be perfect. This unattainable standard dooms many marriages to failure. When we pretend that our marriage is perfect, we lose our ability to ask for help.

It is a difficult balance, however, between privacy and openness. The survival of a marriage hangs in that balance and somewhat, too, upon the quality of the support network surrounding that relationship. Our support network must be willing and able to ask us "How are you?" and truly want to hear the answer. In return, the married couple must know that their support network can be trusted and must be willing and able to share the truth.

Challenges and conflict in a married relationship do not necessarily equal an unhappy marriage. The way we handle those things are what defines the relationship. Each day we make choices that will either improve, detract from, or flat-line our relationships (courtesy of Susan Scott at Fierce, Inc.). Honest and open conversations with each other and with our support network are one of the keys to a successful and happy marriage.

This means talking about everything. Nothing is off limits. Get to the meat or the heart of the interaction. Nothing will change if it is not identified and spoken about.

There are too many examples in the media of failing marriages and not enough good examples. I would like to share with all of you some resources that I have found that encourage these kinds of conversations and open communication.

First, a story in the New York Times about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. It is an open and honest story about struggle and survival and happiness in marriage, valid no matter your political leanings.

Second, some blogs that touch on the reality of marriage in ways that don't read like Cosmo articles:
Zen Family Habits
The Marry Blogger - check out their finalists for the top 10 marriage blogs here
Confessions of a Young Married Couple
Simple Marriage
Wilma's blog - especially the posts about communication
Through The Illusion - Hayden's posts about her marriage here and here

Let the conversation start now, in this safe space, and let us become part of your support network.

If you knew that there would be no negative consequences from a conversation you want to have with your partner/spouse/significant other, what would you ask or say?
How are you?
How is your marriage?
How is your sex life?
Are you happy in your marriage? If not, why not?

An Update

2009-12-03T12:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers,

I'm still here. My time devoted to blogging (and reading your lovely blogs) has decreased recently with an increased workload and the holidays.

Donald's new job is going as well as it possibly could. He is happy and excited and has energy and confidence. He is the man I married again, with added experience (is that like saying "Now, with chocolate chips!"?). I am so happy for him, for us. The long-distance part stinks.

I am so grateful that my relationship with my in-laws is so wonderful. I know that I have complained about it a little here before, so I wanted to clarify that I am beyond lucky. The love and acceptance and support that they give so freely is something I will never take for granted.

Donald and I had the opportunity to test each others' readiness for children. The day before Thanksgiving, the condom we were using broke. We looked at each other, discussed our options, and decided that we were just going to wait and see what happened. Even though I started my period two days later (no alcohol on Thanksgiving for me!), it was a wonderful experience, knowing that we had so much faith and trust in everything working out and that we are both completely ready for kids. The time will come.

My struggle with my relationship with my mom will be ongoing and I will continue to write about it here. Thank you for the support and encouragement you have given me so far. I will definitely be communicating with her and the rest of my family, with as open a heart as I can muster.

I'm also working on writing about my thoughts and observations about marriage in general. I'll be kicking off the conversation with a post on Lisis' blog Quest For Balance. I'll let you know when that happens.

My work supporting Veterans is ongoing. I hope to share my thoughts about this with all of you as well. If any of you have questions about this, please let me know. While this can be a very personal topic, please feel free to speak up, even if you don't know whether we agree or disagree.

I observed something important in the last week or two that I want to share with all of you, that I think will be touching everything I do for some time.

When you think something is impossible to fix, work backwards until you find something you have control over, and fix that. All of the little "fixes" we do will help the big thing get fixed as well.

When we recognize the negative things in our surroundings, we should take action to improve those things. Or, we should decide that those things are not important enough to fix, and then stop bringing them up. No one person can fix everything; each of us should find our niche and work within that, knowing that all of us together will address most of the world's problems. You will find what you care most about and you will make a difference.

With faith, love, and peace,

Daphne

My Mom and Marriage

2009-11-29T11:24:00.002-05:00

Now that Donald's job is sorted out for the next few months, I have mental space to address the other things in my life that make me less than happy.

One of those things is my relationship with my mother. I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her. Our communication, and the communication throughout my immediate family, is sorely lacking. I don't think any of us know what the others really think of them. I think we often walk on eggshells and are missing out on some wonderful authenticity.

Since these conversations have not yet happened (I am planning them), what follows are my impressions, assumptions, and beliefs. I don't know yet whether most of them are accurate or not. This is what I know right now.

There are so many background stories that set the stage for my process to work through this next challenge. When I left for college, moving from the west coast to the Midwest, I took my first step towards true independence. My choice also led to a stressed relationship with my mom. I think she resented the fact that I left. I haven't returned and that resentment is part of our relationship now. It hurts.

My mom left my dad just after Christmas a few years ago, just after Donald and I got married. I look at our wedding pictures, my parents smiling and happy-seeming, now knowing that less than a year later their 30+ years of marriage would disintegrate before the eyes of their children, their neighbors, and their coworkers. No one really saw it coming.

My parents' relationship has evolved since then. For a while, you could cut the tension with a knife. Now, they seem to have found a way to coexist when they are in the same space. My mom lives in an apartment several hours away from their house where my dad lives. They just recently made a decision, together, to replace the stove top. I have no idea how they feel about each other or what their intentions are. I suspect that they do not know either.

Donald says "Why don't you just ASK them?" I shake my head. I want to and I don't want to. I'm still somewhat in a state of denial, even though I knew for years before any trouble seemed on the horizon that I had to tell my mom and my dad the same thing myself - my mom would not relay my news to my dad. I didn't ask why.

They are very private people. My parents lived together for years and years and my dad did not see that my mom was unhappy. My mom didn't say anything. No one outside their marriage, including their children, knew that they were "in trouble". My mom thought her job was to show that they were "successfully" married, not to show the cracks, never to ask for help, never to say "I need to talk". My dad didn't know that anything needed to be discussed.

I have some very strong opinions on this, which I'll be writing about soon. I believe that the survival of marriage is dependent upon the support structure that surrounds it. The people in that support structure have to be able and available to ask "How are you?" and truly want to hear the answer. The married couple has to figure out how to lean on the support structure AND maintain their loyalty and privacy. It is not easy.

It is hard for me because my mother seems to believe that Donald is less than worthy of me. His recent unemployment has colored her view of him. The fact that we haven't moved back to the west coast has made her bitter against him. When she believes she sees in me a wavering from my values, she blames him. My loyalty to Donald bristles in the face of her criticism and my protective sense increases.

When we talk on the phone, I only tell my mom the good things. I do not share the things that are hard about being married because I think she will only add them to her negative feelings about Donald. She is not able and available to ask "How are you?". It breaks my heart that she cannot be in my support structure, at least, not right now. I have to turn to others, friends and family members, people who I can trust not to gossip, people who I know love us and support us no matter what.

These people are rare. I have turned to my online blogging community to supplement the people I know in person. I will be sharing more about this struggle for me. The tears I shed yesterday are only the beginning of a vast well of frustration that has been building over many years. It's time to empty it, one tear at a time.

Good News

2009-11-22T16:11:00.001-05:00

Those who follow me on Twitter know that Donald received good news on Thursday. He has a short-term contract from November to March with the company he has been waiting on.

I am amazed at how much of a difference this has made.

My outlook has changed. I find so much stability knowing that we have a plan until March. I can make plans, like signing up for yoga classes and visiting my family for Christmas. I breathe easier.

A change for me at work has improved my community of support, surrounding me with caring co-workers, little drama, and natural light (I hadn't realized that my previous work environment had been so dreary).

Donald's mood is sky-high, knowing that he will be contributing in so many ways. He starts just after Thanksgiving. I can truly say that I am happy. We have so much to be thankful for.

There are drawbacks, of course. He might not get the full-time position once March rolls around. He has to commute and spend three days a week in the office, so we'll be long-distance part time. We aren't moving anytime soon, so I will come up with a different decluttering timeline.

The benefits, however, far outweigh the costs. We have a wonderful, caring, supportive, and encouraging community to help us through the next few months. I am so grateful to my fellow bloggers who have been with us on this journey thus far. It is far from over. I hope you will continue to follow our adventures.

Thank you for your freely given love and continued support.

Patience and Waiting

2009-11-11T19:00:00.001-05:00

When is it time to stop being patient? When is it time to stand up for ourselves and make different choices instead?

We have been so patient. Donald has been in touch with this company since August. Interviews have been successful. Feedback has been positive. An offer hovers perpetually just out of reach.

The rollercoaster trundles on, through frustration, hope, anger, excitement. We're starting to feel taken for granted, our patience feels abused.

We have been asked to wait a little longer. I'm not sure we should.

There are so many explanations why things have taken as long as they have. I'm not sure they matter.

We are so tired of waiting. Other things have been going wrong lately too. I'm wondering whether the problems we are encountering are a sign that we are on the wrong path.

Is it time to stop waiting? Even if it means a job for Donald in the next few months, should we start down a different road and abandon this one? Is the universe trying to tell us something?

What do we lose by staying the course? What do we risk by giving it up? What might we gain by trying something else? Our futures are riding on these questions.

Do the setbacks tell us that our perseverence will pay off if we just hang on a little longer? Or do they tell us to abandon ship? I'm not sure I know the answer.

Here we come, faith. We need your help.

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T00:01:00.003-05:00

**This post is very different from most of my others. There is a soap box involved. It might have a significant impact on you. It might make you uncomfortable. I welcome feedback and comments. My intent is motivation and gratitude and the promotion of positive change.**

On November 11, 1918 at 11:00 am, World War I ended on the Western Front. The day came to be known as Armistice Day, a remembrance day for those who served in World War I.

An act approved in 1938 declared the holiday "a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace". In the United States, this holiday is now known as Veterans Day, a day to honor Veterans from all wars.

November 11 is my birthday. I do not think it is a coincidence.

I have long been motivated to promote peace. I have a Masters in History through which I learned about peace and conflict, particularly in the way that war affects the home front. I quickly learned that historical events are not straightforward. They are complicated and messy and the only way to understand what really happened is to get many, many perspectives. This is true for current events, too.

I have learned that the best way to get people to engage with an issue is to make it relevant to them. Historical controversial topics must be presented to the public in a way that opens a dialogue rather than shuts people down. This is true for current controversial topics, like the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Our military personnel sacrifice so much. Whether you approve of the wars or not, it is important to acknowledge these sacrifices. It is also important that we understand that their sacrifices are not over if they are lucky enough to return home.

You have heard the stories about PTSD. You have read about the soldiers who attack their own. They have been trained not to ask for help or acknowledge that they need it.

We must do more to help our Veterans transition back to civilian life. We must demand more attention to this transition from our government, from the military, and from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Silence in the name of morale is not justified.

Each and every soldier deserves to have a chance to lead as normal a life as possible when their service is done. Too many of them are not truly given this chance. They suffer. Their families and friends suffer. Our society suffers.

What can you do to help? Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Start making requests. Show your support beyond acknowledging a national holiday. Take the self-help strategies you so wonderfully share with your readers and find a way to address this need.

Humanity comes first. What role will you play in the cause of world peace? That is the best form of thanks we can give.

Thank you to our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the parents, spouses, and children of our Veterans and military personnel.
Thank you to the friends, caregivers, volunteers, and government employees who support our Veterans and military personnel.

Special thanks to suZen at Erasing the Bored for a conversation that inspired me to share my thoughts with all of you.

**Update: I just found out about Bloggers Unite and their Veterans Day: Who Will Stand campaign. If you're interested in reading what other bloggers are writing about the holiday and about supporting our Veterans, check it out here.**

To All The Dogs I Have Ever Known

2009-11-09T15:19:00.001-05:00

I am so, so sorry.

I didn't know how to act around you.

I didn't know how to trust you because I didn't understand you.

I withheld my affection because I thought it would change your behavior.

Instead, you tried harder and didn't know how because I didn't show you.

All you want to do is make me happy. And I wouldn't let you.

----------------------------------
Through a conversation with Donald, and a dog-loving friend, and from reading about how to handle toddlers and tantrums on Zen Family Habits, I realized that my conditional love for the family dog is a detrimental situation.

Donald wants a dog; he's a dog-person. We already have two cats; I'm a cat-person. In a conversation last night about my relationship with the family dog, though, it seemed as though I am not only not a dog-person, but that I might even be anti-dog. As in, I might not want a dog at all.

This realization crushed me. I felt like I had failed Donald, that I was standing in the way of his happiness by preventing us from getting a dog. I didn't want that to be the case. I went to bed disappointed.

I woke up this morning feeling disgruntled. I wanted to impose my will on the dog, to make her well-behaved so I could show her affection. Needless to say, it didn't work.

And then I read about the toddlers, and how "your child is a little person having trouble expressing themselves right now". And I realized.... dogs are like perpetual toddlers. They won't be able to express themselves any better than they do now. They depend on me to show them what to do, to show them how to make me happy.

While I do not fear my ability to show a toddler love, even when they are throwing a tantrum, I need to understand that discipline for a dog does not need to come with disapproval. That, in fact, discipline from the perspective of affection and teaching will probably go much further and be much more enjoyable for all involved.

I was afraid to show affection for the dog because I thought it would undermine my authority over her, my role as pack leader. I thought showing love would make me weak.

Have I not been listening?

Today, I am going to change my behavior. I don't have to like it when she licks me or barks. I do have to let her be a dog. I owe it to Donald (and to myself and to the dog) to try. If I truly do not want a dog, it will become clear and I will accept it.

I need to open the door to possibility first. I need to open my heart and let go of the fear.

The Great Clothing Clean-out Project

2009-11-03T09:06:00.004-05:00

Over the weekend, I went through every single piece of clothing I own. I emptied the dresser, the closet, and any boxes within my reach. I tried on pants, sweaters, shoes, shirts, and coats.

I filled SEVEN large shopping bags with items to give away. I am so proud of myself.

The process wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. There were a couple of items that gave me pause, though - two flannel shirts that I have had since high school. One my mom brought back for me from a work trip she took. The blue/green colors in it are my favorite and remind me of the ocean. I tried it on and it swamped me. It's too big. It's not in style anymore. I haven't worn it for at least two years. Into the bag it went.

The second flannel shirt belonged to my grandfather, who passed away just after Donald and I got married. I had his shirt much earlier than that, when my grandmother was cleaning out her closets when we were visiting. It has autumn colors - deep reds and oranges and yellows. It's wool and has a good weight and is a little scratchy. I tried it on and it actually looked ok. I could picture myself wearing it on a cool fall day walking dogs through the woods or chasing my kids in the backyard. I haven't worn it because it has been hidden from view. This one stays.

Most of the items were easy. Shirts that were too short or unflattering. So many items I have had since high school (I graduated in 1998). Sweaters that were too boxy or misshapen. Pants that were too short or too big. Most not worth tailoring or trying to salvage.

I followed the suggestions I have read about decluttering and my mental and emotional state were ready. I had already pictured several items that went right into the bags without even trying them on. The black velvet vest that I wore maybe once when I was in high school. The tiny t-shirts I told myself I would sleep in and never did. The full-length, elastic waisted black skirt with a slit up to mid-thigh that I wore to a play in the city when I was in college (don't ask).

Ugh, now I'm embarassed to have even owned these things. I kept them for so long because I thought I needed to. They were a part of me. They told me a story about myself.

I'm writing a new story now. I can remember the events without having the clutter pulling me backwards into the past. I'm letting it all go so I can move forward.

I actually discovered that I have some very flattering clothing. I rediscovered several items that I thought didn't fit and do. I have three pairs of pants that just need a little tailoring. I replaced a missing button on a coat and now it's like new.

I have a very detailed and specific list of what I think I need (and want) so that my upcoming birthday shopping trip will only contribute good and happy things to my wardrobe. I told Donald that I want to be excited about each and every thing I bring home. If I'm not excited, I won't buy it.

It feels so good to know that all of those things are out of my life now. It feels good to have a sense of who I am through the choices I made about what to keep and what to donate. I feel lighter, more flexible and fluid, ready to take on whatever comes next.

It's perfect timing, really. Donald has a final interview with this company today. We're hoping to (finally) have a real answer by the end of the week. I'm trying not to hold my breath.

**Updated: I have to add something more from Communicatrix's string of decluttering posts. Her last one included this passage, which has me trying not to let my tears fall all over the papers on my desk:

Here’s the thing: no one’s right. No one’s wrong. No one can tell me or you or Stan or my grandfather what to keep. (Especially my gramps, unless you’re one of them psychic types.) In the end, though, my grandfather died alone, in a hospital bed, of a broken heart. The most meaningful thing in his life was a person, my extraordinary grandmother, and she’d left the planet several weeks earlier. And her constant refrain, even as she’d hand over some cherished objectstill warm with her unbelievably beautiful energy? “Sell it!” she’d whisper, gleefully, conspiratorially.

Trade that thing for freedom is what I now realize she meant. Don’t get burdened by your choices; let them liberate you. Let each thing that touches your life enrich you in some way—with joy, with experience, with the understanding born of pain—and let it the fuck go. It is not that thing you want: it is the thing that thing makes you feel.

My emotions are running high today.

Who Am I?

2009-10-27T13:01:00.003-04:00

How can I figure out what I need if I don't know who I am?

There is a hole in me I have been trying to fill. I have been searching, reading, writing, thinking. Nothing fills it. I write about cowgirls and houses. I feel restless, wanting. What am I looking for? Where will I find it?

Megan "Joy Girl" guest blogged at Erasing the Bored recently, where she said,

"I’m in a relationship now with someone who respects me, wants for my happiness, has compassion, and uplifts me when I’m feeling down. He is mirror, reflecting back to me the truths I now feel about myself. As such, he’s shown me that in the last few years I’ve grown to love myself much, much more than I ever thought possible. But he’s also shown me that I have a ways to go."

Donald believes that I am whole and raises me up out of my low self-esteem haze. He can't imagine what I think might be missing. I teeter at the edge, believing that I have lost my identity, that I have no idea who I am. How do I find my way back?

Several of my favorite bloggers have posted about getting rid of clutter. I see my identity reflected in the things I own, the things that surround me. My stuff defines me because it represents my choices and tells people what is important to me. Perhaps I will uncover my identify by clearing out the clutter.

Communicatrix summed it up pretty well in this post when she said,

"So. The “why?” Well, clarity, for starters, or more clarity. Freedom, definitely. Tired of feeling bogged down by my environment, and trapped (rather than supported) by my stuff. As the piles start to dwindle, though, I get the sense that this particular stripping down is me getting ready to say, “I’m a writer; this is what I do—I write.”"

Janice at Sharing the Journey has written about this several times, too, most recently here. Dani at positively present also supports the decluttering goal.

The catch, though, is that in order to only keep what I need, I need to know what I need, so I need to know who I am. What do I think I'm missing? Do I really want to be more like that cowgirl? Do I really feel drawn to the West or is that just my imagination and romanticism talking? How do I figure out what I really need if I don't know who I am?

I'm supposed to listen to and trust that inner voice. How do I know I'm listening to the right one? Or the real one? I change my mind about projects often, throwing myself into something only to abandon it a few weeks later. I don't want to live that way.

In an earlier review post, I talked a little about making decisions based on what I thought other people would think of me. Nadia at Happy Lotus writes in this post when she says,

"Years ago, if you were to ask me what kind of clothes I liked, I would not have been able to answer because my choices were based on what I thought I should choose."

I have done this more times than I can count. Those decisions did almost nothing to make me happy. I still often defer decisions because I have no idea what I think or want. Does this mean that I have no idea who I am?

My self talk goes downhill, saying "I am happy, but..." or "I would do this, but..." I spiral into second guessing myself. I worry about the danger of flying off and doing something spontaneous. What are the costs? What do I risk? What are the consequences?

How can I possibly make a good decision when I don't have enough information about who I am to know that I am acting with integrity?

(Have I made you dizzy yet?)

Lance at the Jungle of Life posted a Sunday quote that pulled me out of the spiral. There is so much to gain.

Evita's guest post at The Bold Life reminded me that bold steps must be taken and that it is safe to trust our inner voice.

At Quest for Balance, Lisis' favorite post of her own explained that everything I need I already have.

Peggy at Serendipity Smiles reminded me that I will not find what I am looking for outside of me. I need to look inside.

I am learning to hear my own voice. It is not a failure to be unsure of what I think about everything I encounter. Instead, it's an opportunity to learn more about who I am and can be.

The hole is gone. I am no longer spinning. I filled it with a list of things I know.

Acceptance Versus Need For Change

2009-10-27T08:32:00.001-04:00

If I learn to accept everything for what it is and simply go with the flow, does that mean that nothing needs to change?

Isn't the impetus for change a judgment that something is inadequate or wrong?

Can a balance be struck between acceptance and gratitude and the need for positive change?

Acceptance and gratitude lead to so many wonderful things. They decrease stress and anxiety. They improve mood and contentment.

Too much acceptance, however, could lead to complacency or apathy. If we simply accept everything as "that's just the way it is", don't we lose our responsibility and power?

Alternatively, constant change can be quite disruptive and unstable. Dissatisfaction with everything around us can lead to unhappiness and low self-esteem.

Perhaps this is another time we learn that everything should be done in moderation. Balance gratitude for what we have with gratitude for seeing opportunity for improvement. Balance acceptance of our failures with acceptance of responsibility over what we can control. Balance change with breathing and calm.

That said, if there is something you really want to be able to do (singing, crafting, writing, etc.), you are the only one standing in your way. I do not believe that talent is the only thing that makes people good at something.

If you have the passion, find the determination and the tools to make it happen. Make a choice.

Acceptance. Gratitude. Change.

The House of Me

2009-10-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

This is the house of me.

I have a wide, inviting front porch, keeping the house cool in summer, providing somewhere to sit and be a part of the community as it moves past on the road. The back has a deck or patio for a grill and outdoor entertaining, lounge chairs for warming in the sun.

My warm, bright, open kitchen, is the heart of the home. It has room for people to sit and chat, for many people to cook at the same time, storage for everything we might need. Mugs for warm drinks, glasses for cool drinks. Assorted plates and platters, cooking utensils and pots and pans, table linens and dish towels. Silverware, a spice rack and well-organized pantry, sharp well-made knives and cutting boards. Beautiful, earthy serveware.

Upstairs are the bedrooms, quiet and peaceful and close enough to the social center to be awakened by the sounds of breakfast. Full of natural light, welcoming and private, stocked with soft towels and bed linens. In the bathrooms, aromatic soap, wonderful shower heads always ready with hot water. Wardrobes and chests lined with cedar, available for a short stay or a long one. Fresh flowers in vases. A cozy chair in the corner for reading.

Back downstairs, inviting, open social spaces, some with fireplaces for cold winter nights, comfy couches and chairs for reading, socializing, and watching the game/movies or playing video games. Low wooden antique coffee tables, each with a story to tell. Artwork on the walls, family photos and precious items on the china cabinet. A game table with puzzles, Settlers of Catan, decks of cards and good light.

A library full of books, constantly changing as books are borrowed and returned, their readers better for the experience. A space with musical instruments, ready to create sweet melodies, soulful tunes, and rocking riffs. An office with natural light and wide wooden desks for dreaming, writing, and making crafts. Shelves and cabinets for storage and organization.

My favorite part is the view from every window. The houses in the neighborhood are spaced far enough to allow privacy and close enough to create community. The yards are large and spacious, often containing dogs and cats, gardens and children.

Beyond the tended yards the land is undeveloped in large swaths of grassy fields. A creek runs through it and large trees grow on its banks. In the distance, the fields become mountains, dividing the sky from the earth. At night, the stars are bright and the moon is full.

Cowgirl

2009-10-25T12:02:00.001-04:00

I grew up in the West. I don't live there anymore, yet I am finding that I am a cowgirl at heart.

I want to learn how to barrel race and become a better rider.

I follow the Horse Whisperer (the real one) with great interest. His methods encourage my belief that change does not have to include violence, that it can come peacefully, willingly.

Join-Up International's mission is "We are dedicated to supporting the education and training of people throughout the world to embody the message that "violence is never the answer"." This connects for me the principles in Fierce Conversations, about improving communication to improve relationships, with my pacifism and desire to resolve conflict in a lasting and sustainable way.

This may be a new opportunity for me. I need to find out if this is a direction I want to pursue.

The West calls to me. Its geography is etched on my heart and in my soul. I am happy when I am surrounded by mountains. I have never outgrown my love for horses.

I have an image in my head of what being a cowgirl means to me, what it would be like to be her. She is strong and confident, knowledgeable and calm. She is quiet and observant, speaks when she needs to, learns from others and from the world around her. She has grace under pressure. She is an expert horsewoman and a good teacher.

She feels wild and free riding a horse in an open plain toward the distant mountains. She is appreciated and respected in her community. She knows what she wants and finds a way to get it. She is happiest when she is making others happy.

She's also very real. She needs companionship and love. She likes soft towels and sheets. She loves good food and drink. She likes to be physically and mentally challenged. She likes puzzles and solving problems.

She can be brazen and protective, sometimes a little unconventional. She values the dirt and grit from having fun and working hard. She doesn't shy from conflict and shares her perspective with good intentions.

She drives a pickup truck and wears a cowboy hat and boots. She takes the good with the bad and knows that she is making the world a better place each and every day.

I am not yet a cowgirl. How close can I get?

Final Review of How to be Rich and Happy

2009-10-24T11:08:00.001-04:00

I finished reading How to be Rich and Happy last week. I wanted to take some time to think about the impact the book has had on me before writing my final review.

First, I highly suggest that you download the free portion of the book before deciding whether it is the right book for you. Since I started reading, the authors have expanded the free portion another 9 pages to include the first exercise, one I found incredibly helpful and interesting, to identify your core values. The price has also been reduced since I wrote my first partial review about the book.

Some of the exercises were more helpful to me than others. The one thing everyone should know about this book, and probably all types of self-help books, is that in order to benefit from it, you must be open and ready to implement change. If you are unwilling to try something new or think about something in a different way, this book is not for you.

Overall, I think the book is very encouraging and positive. The authors discuss facts versus beliefs, which now comes to mind every time I'm about to say something. The book encourages personal responsibility for making a decision and can be very empowering.

While reading this book, I had a personal insight. In Star Wars, Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try." That phrase always bothered me. I thought it was pretty harsh, because I often tried hard and failed, yet I didn't want to see it as failure. Now I see that I tended to defer decision making and made excuses. I called this trying, when in fact I was not doing. It opened the door for me to acknowledge the truth to myself and to take increased responsibility for what I choose to do and not do.

It helped me see how much my self-esteem is largely dependent on how I think other people see me. The funny part is that I was very independent in high school, not caring too much about what anyone thought of me.

In college, I swung the other way, finding myself on unstable footing surrounded by people who I assumed had more information than I did. I second-guessed everything I thought I knew and became largely passive and dependent. I made some of my worst decisions in college, especially when it came to the guys I dated.

Now I'm trying to find a balance. I see the stagnation when I doubt myself or don't think I have enough information. It ties into my fear of failure, which I am daily taking steps to embrace and accept.

I know that I can decide what is right for me without judging other people for making different decisions. The authors suggest that reaching my potential and living a rich and happy life makes the world a better place. I am the only one holding me back.

The book definitely helped me see what I am already doing to achieve my rich and happy goals. I'm still not sure how the rich part will factor into my own life. The most important things to me are not things that create income, or at least won't in the way I'd like to pursue them. I could simply redefine what rich means to me, yet it is a fact that many things are almost impossible to do without some cold, hard cash.

The book reminded me to consider how much benefit I get from the cost of something. It's a simple evaluation of utility, a cost/benefit analysis. Evaluate something based on the amount of happy you get from each dollar spent and then decide whether it contributes to your rich and happy life.

Of course, my economics major husband knew that already.

The last thing I would suggest if you're still not sure about whether this book is right for you or not, is to read the Table of Contents (page 3 in the free download). Look at the headings for each chapter. If any of them intrigue you and get you thinking hard about how you can improve your life, it's probably worth it. If you're turned off by the title of the book and the chapter headings don't change your mind, don't bother.

The bottom line: If you're open to making significant improvements in your life and like to have a lot of good information all together in one book, this could be a good solution for you. If you're willing to do a little more leg work in the form of web searches, you can probably find a lot of similar advice and guidelines for free online. A lot of the blogs I follow discuss self-improvement and this book wouldn't have had as much of an impact on me if it had not been preceded by the doorways already opened by what I have been reading on the web.

Let me know if you have any questions! And thanks to Tim Brownson for giving me this review opportunity.

Answers

2009-10-21T16:06:00.001-04:00

I'm back from my travels and happily greeted by smiling faces in my kitchen with caring and insightful questions. I thought the best way to respond to them would be in a new post. See below.

suZen asked, "What makes your heart sing? What flower best reflects your personality? And if you could ask anyone else (living or dead) to have coffee with us - who?"

My heart sings when I see or think of fields leading to mountains, both covered in green, flowing grass and sparse little wildflowers, the sky grey and trembling with thunderheads, a breeze tossing my hair around, bringing the scent of clean, refreshing rain. I feel free and wild.

My heart also sings when I think of our future children, how I will hold them, dress them, bathe them, sing and read to them, watch them sleep, and dream with them. I already have so many hopes for their futures and I am so excited to teach them and learn from them.

I had to think hard about the flower question. I'm ashamed to admit that I went straight to the internet to find some "what flower are you?" quizzes. The scary thing is, the two I tried came up with the same answer, which was one of the flowers bouncing around in my mind before I looked at the quizzes. I am a lily.

If I could ask anyone else, living or dead, to have coffee with us, it would be my great-grandmother, Nana. She died when I was in middle school just before her 100th birthday and I think of her often. I want to be able to ask her questions about our family and about my journey. She lived through so many amazing and challenging times. I want to learn from her, through her own words.

jchristin asked, "Well, first, what is your favorite baked good, and what is your favorite beverage? And my favorite question to get to know someone is what is it that truly makes your heart happy, and what is the first thing you think to do when you have precious "free" time....."

My favorite baked good is probably the chocolate chip cookie bars my grandmother made. My favorite beverage is probably sparkling fruit juice.

My heart is truly happy when it sings about the things I wrote above. The first thing I do with free time is... Well, I suppose that depends on what free time is. I have a hard time concentrating if our space isn't picked up and clean. For example, I had free time this morning before I went to work and I cleaned the bathroom. No joke. Then I paid bills. I love having time to get productive things done.

True free time, though, would probably be a toss up between walking with Donald, writing, and gardening. Video games do pop themselves in there sometimes though - they relax me.

Sandi asked, "My question to you would be If you were a house, what would you be like? A rambler, a colonial, a Cape Cod? How many rooms and what room is your favorite? Can you describe it for me?"

I love this question! I would like to beg off answering it yet - I think it needs its own post and I want to think it through carefully.

Wilma asked, "My favorite question is how do you like to spend your holidays and what was the one you remember the best?"

I like to spend my holidays surrounded by family, in any setting (our house, their houses, a destination location). Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably the biggest for our families. The best ones were probably those held at one of my grandparents' homes because we didn't get to see them more than once a year or so when I was growing up. The true gift was spending time with them, even if we didn't always appreciate that at the time.

Thank you so much for all of these questions! I look forward to more!

Your Turn

2009-10-16T12:53:00.001-04:00

I have slowed down the pace of my posts recently. It has been mostly intentional rather than the result of being "too busy". I traveled last weekend and I will be traveling this weekend. Family and work are being given priority.

I have noticed that the more I feel I need to declare to myself and to my readers in my blog, the less time I have to reflect and internalize all that I am reading, thinking, and learning. So I have taken more time to mediate, to relax, to simply be.

I recently finished reading How to be Rich and Happy, so I'll be writing my final review of that here soon. I need a bit more time to let it all sink in.

I am curious about my readers and I imagine that many of you might be curious about me. Since my blog posts tend to dictate the topic of a very one-sided conversation, I'd like to open up this post as a place for you to ask questions, to tell me about yourself, to say whatever it is you'd like to say.

Picture yourself in a warm kitchen, the smell of your favorite baked good wafting from the oven, your favorite beverage in your hands, and happy, encouraging, supportive people sharing the space with you.

What would you ask? What would you share? What do you want to know?

Own Your Way

2009-10-13T15:26:00.001-04:00

I was away this weekend, visiting my best friend in New York. We had a wonderful time together. I came away from the experience, though, with a deeper knowledge of how important it is to own our choices, to own the way our lives have unfolded.

She is so stressed and worried. She feels the need to control everything she can.

I see my former self.

She has to find her own way.

One of the most important things I have learned over the last couple months since I embarked on this journey is that I must own my choices. I must own my life. Owning does not mean blaming. If something goes wrong, it may be my fault, and that must come with acceptance, not down-talk. Owning means control, opporunity. Owning means that I can change.

Everything we do is part of finding our way. Each person has their own way, their own life. Every choice I make is my way of living. My life is my way. My life is my process.

What I have been trying to find is not some end goal, some answer. I have been trying to find my way. I have been on my way my entire life. I just had to recognize it as mine. I had to take ownership.

Danielle LaPorte at white hot truth provides a great example of the importance of taking ownership in her post "we know you're busy. now shut up about it." "Busy" is an excuse, something we hide behind as though it makes us unique. We should acknowledge that we haven't responded/called back because we chose not to. We decided that other things were more important. We made other things a priority.

If people think about their choices this way, they might respond to emails/phone calls/texts in a completely different way. When we know what our core values are, we act on putting them first, not on responding to the person who screams the loudest.

Can you imagine what the world would look like if we acted first on our core values? If we embraced our choices and looked for opportunities for positive change in every choice we make? What would you do differently?

Finding My Way While Treading Water on a Rollercoaster

2009-10-09T09:47:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I found another potential application of my skills, interests, and talent. I was reminded that I had looked into professional organizing several years ago, and had forgotten about it until yesterday.

It appeals to me because it involves creating systems that help people perform everyday tasks, much like the rehab work we do for people with disabilities in my current job, and extended to everyone. Every system would be different, just as every person and their way is different.

The process would be about asking questions, getting to the root of a problem, working with people in their own context and perspective, and widening the possibilities. I would get to encourage people to be more efficient, effective, productive and happy. Better organizational systems promote competence. I could facilitate the process, teaching each person how to improve their own lives themselves.

I could even work for myself out of my home and only work when I want to.

Except, when I completed the activities in the most recent chapter of How to be Rich and Happy, working in any capacity isn't in my pictures of my own rich and happy life. Instead, I picture our future children, Donald and me, our families and friends, smiling and laughing. I picture our pets, including a future dog. I see myself encouraging wonder in our children, looking happy and free and peaceful.

I see travel and trying new things, visiting Europe and hanging out on a dude ranch, riding horses. I see a home of our own where we are comfortable and where I can host lots and lots of happy visitors. I see an inviting and lovely guest room. I see a well-stocked kitchen where I try out new recipes. I see home improvement projects and volunteer time in our new community.

I see a beautiful garden, full of tomatoes, herbs, and other vegetables. I picture new crafting projects. I see that I am feeling needed, fulfilled, purposeful. I see myself sending Donald off on his own adventures, things that will help him blossom and grow. I see us eating healthy, yummy food. We are healthy in my pictures. We walk and hike and canoe. We are surrounded by mountains and green fields with dirt paths to follow. I see us playing in the snow with our dog and kids.

I have what I need and I am content.

I have no idea how this turns into being rich. I know it leads to happiness.

Right now, the images I descibed above are my absolute top priority. What I really want is to have a family and to create a new life with Donald. That is what will make me happy right now. That is my current motivation.

The best part is that we're already working towards that goal each and every day. I am off the pill. I am eating healthy foods and maintaining a healthy weight. I am working each and every day to get closer to finding inner peace and maintaining it. I am present in my marriage. I am decreasing the level of stress and anxiety in my life.

I am teaching myself things that will be valuable as I become a parent and transition back to life on our own. I visit my family whenever I have the chance. I am learning how to cook and I have more confidence in trying new recipes. I am identifying what I can contribute to my community. I am finding my way.

So here's where the treading water on a rollercoaster comes in. All of these positive realizations that I have outlined above happened while I was at work, sitting alone in my office with little interruption. As I made my way home, my mood slipped. I started to feel tired and melancholy. The excitement and hope and motivation abandoned me.

When I got home, I could tell that Donald was down. He seemed sensitive to my tone of voice, ready to assume that I was upset with him even though there was no reason to be.

After dinner, we went to the basement to snuggle on the couch and chat. I told him about how helpful it has been to me to think positively in the face of unknowns. He said "That won't work for me." I felt sad. I wanted to bottle up my joy and pour it over his head. I wanted him to be able to see that we have come so far, we are so close, that he deserves to feel good about the progress made. I wanted him to picture success and hold it fiercely and close to help him get through this additional week of waiting.

All of the things I have been reading lately speak to the power of positive thought in creating positive outcomes. And that negative thought produces negative outcomes. I pictured our energies, my positive one and his negative one, doing battle right there in the room. I felt angry and deflated. Keeping up positive energy is hard enough on its own for someone like me who has little practice so far.

It's hard enough to create positive out of neutral. To have to create positive just to balance out a negative seemed like more than I could take on, especially when the negative was coming from the person with whom I want to share my positive, happy pictures.

I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head above the surface, now burdened with holding Donald's head above water so neither of us drowned.

When I asked him to tell me what his camera images were, he said that he didn't know. He believed that I was showing disapproval of him in my desire to have him try to think positively about the situation. Our conversation devolved into me trying to explain myself and him getting increasingly agitated.

The dark basement suddenly felt oppressive and cold. We moved upstairs, where warm, soft light cleared our minds, the excitement of a hockey game on the TV changed our moods, and the company of Donald's parents opened our hearts. We sat together and watched, forgiving each other as our hips touched.

We went to our own space, got ready for bed, and snuggled under the covers in the dark. We lay on our sides, Donald in front of me, my arm over his side, my breath on his back. Donald apologized. I forgave and apologized too. And then I described my pictures to him.

I told him about the dreams I have, the hopes I have, the success I know we will have. We could both see the images in front of us, hovering in the dark, real enough to reach out and touch. I felt tears sting my eyes when I said that I wished I could show him the pictures I have in my head of our beautiful children. They are what I picture the most.

Donald's strong back softened against me. He told me that while I was talking, he saw a cosy house with a small yard, in a quiet, family-friendly neighborhood. He could see our future. He had hope.

Breathe. Faith. Smile.

Disclosure

2009-10-08T08:29:00.001-04:00

In light of the new laws coming out about bloggers needing to disclose sponsorships and endorsements (Barbara Swafford has a great post about it), I want to share that I was provided with a free copy of How to be Rich and Happy by Tim Brownson, one of the authors. The free copy was provided in exchange for my review of it on my blog. There are no expectations or assumptions that my review will be anything but my honest opinion; I am not obligated to say only positive things. I get absolutely no financial gain from reviewing the book besides the value of the book itself ($97.00).

I'll be writing more about the book as I move slowly through it. Thanks for reading. I feel better now.

Slowing Down

2009-10-07T12:53:00.002-04:00

I feel like I have been rocketing ahead trying to discover and define and decide. I have found myself resisting my own efforts to improve, like I'm putting on the brakes.

I have stopped reading and commenting on other people's blogs in the last few days. Please don't take it personally - I seem to be needing some space to simply be, to take stock of what I'm doing and what I want.

I also need time and space to think about the book I'm reading and the direction Donald and I are heading.

Donald may be hearing more news today. That's my focus for now.

--------------------------
Addendum: Good news received. More in a week or so. Think happy thoughts.

More About Getting Rich

2009-10-06T14:35:00.001-04:00

I neglected to explain in my last post what being "rich" means to me. There are so many scams out there for gaining financial wealth. This is not my goal. Much like Lisis at Quest for Balance, I have had a strange relationship with money, assuming that people who have a lot of it spend it on frivolous things and that those without it have suffered some injustice. These are unfair stereotypes.

According to the How to be Rich and Happy book, being rich means "the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want." As Lisis said in her post about this book, "If what you want is to feed every man, woman, and child on the planet, you’re gonna need money (or friends with money). No matter how noble your goals are, money is the tool that will allow you to achieve them." This statement is what hooked me.

I also identified with Lisis' current life situation, as she describes: "...now that I find myself between homes, between states, between jobs and way past any degree of certainty about how we will pay our bills or create the life we want, I can honestly say I’m more than curious. I’m a sponge. I am thirsty for useful, helpful advice."

So, as a fellow thirsty sponge, I sought out more information on this topic and came across this series of posts on Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online (start with Part 1). Marelisa writes about a book called The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles in 1910. Her posts are very well written and informed and I feel like I learned so much. Wattles figured out so many of the things that I have been struggling with.

The premise of his book is that anyone can become rich if they think "in a certain way" and act "in a certain way". First, you must have a clear, detailed vision of what you want and you must focus on it, giving that vision constant attention. You must have faith that your vision is approaching and on its way. You must show gratitude for receiving the subject/object of your vision before it arrives. Positive thinking attracts positive things and negative thinking attracts negative things, so for goodness sake, think positive things!

The part that really got me came next. You must more than fill your present place, work beyond your job description, and work efficiently (carefully and productively) and with purpose (your vision). I definitely don't do that enough. The last part is to give more value than you receive. If you make minimum wage, do work worthy of the next pay grade, for example. Giving more value creates more life. More life means more riches available to everyone.

I haven't really done justice to his book or his vision. I really encourage you to read Marelisa's summary, or the original book to understand how he arrives at these steps.

Can you see some familiar themes here, though? Faith, gratitude, being present, efficiency and purpose... My sense of being on the right track is heightened. I can't wait to read more about How to be Rich and Happy. More to come.

How to be Rich and Happy (initial review)

2009-10-06T11:45:00.002-04:00

I slept really well last night. I woke up feeling... new.

I started reading a new book yesterday, called How to be Rich and Happy by John P. Strelecky and Tim Brownson. I will be reviewing it and writing about my thoughts over the next week or so (however long it takes me). I am grateful to Lisis at Quest for Balance for suggesting it - she's reviewing it too.

I have only read up to Chapter Five so far (it ends at page 39 of 218) and I am already thinking differently and starting to feel more centered. If you're skeptical of self-help books, I'll also be sharing Donald's perspective (often known as Mr. Skepticism).

One of the most important things I have taken away from the book so far is the motivation to actually put something into action this time. The authors say that they have been guilty of reading self-help books, understanding the principles, and then never putting them into practice. I have definitely done this too. It is time for me to move forward, to try something new, to be willing to fail, and to feel good about the whole process.

What I have read so far has prompted me to think really hard about my values. I have realized how interconnected they are, and also how some of my values are so much more important than others. I can also see now why some negative things bother me more than others.

For example, negativity is something I desperately want to avoid. When my mother-in-law suggests to Donald that perhaps he should stop waiting for news on this job and should apply for other things, I react at a much higher level than I would at most things. I am defensive and protective. I am angry. Even though I understand that she is trying to help him avoid getting hurt, I do not appreciate her efforts. I want to prevent Donald from falling back into the black abyss of depression. I also need her to respect that as a married couple, Donald and I are in charge of our future ourselves, despite the fact that we are somewhat dependent upon his parents right now.

Fierce Conversations and How to be Rich and Happy both advocate the importance of living according to one's values. I feel like I am on the right track. My introduction to this book came at a wonderful time.

Now that I have identified what my core values are, I'm looking forward to reading about the next step.

-----------------------------
While I was writing this post, I nagged Donald about whether he would say something to his mom about not being so negative about his job search. I phrased it badly (I made it about me) and it didn't come across the way I intended. I pushed him away.

As we seem to get closer to having some kind of answer about his state of employment, I can tell that we're both on edge even more than normal. I'm concerned that I have been blind to some signs that he's not doing as well emotionally as I think he is. He hasn't returned calls or followed up on basic household type things lately. I have to trust that he has been moving forward in some way.

I also need to remember that he and I are standing side by side, facing the unknown together, working together to help each other take the next step, whatever that may be. We are not adversaries, we are partners. The only way we move forward is together.

I Think I Figured It Out (For Now, At Least)

2009-10-02T10:24:00.003-04:00

I think I figured out what I want to do.

It dawned on me yesterday, suddenly. I had been thinking about Glen's post at PluginID called Deciding What To Do With Your Life (Without Actually Deciding). He said "Do something (whatever interests you most) and you will end up where you are meant to be." His post gave me permission to decide what interests me most right now. I don't have to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I just need to decide what I'm interested in most now, in the present. It's liberating!

I am grateful, now, that my job was so slow for a while. It gave me the time to address my own needs and to invest in myself. I might not have been able to turn my attitude and outlook around without that opportunity. Funny how things seem to work out that way.

At work, my responsibilities have been expanded recently to have me working more closely with my boss and his clients. I had initially resisted the change and my recent self-coaching made me do it anyway. It ended up being very interesting and I now have new ways in which to support my boss and the work he does in rehab. I have more insight into the importance of the work we do and I am now convinced that my job is more meaningful than I had given it credit for.

I was very pleased when I received a phone call from a client's caregiver telling me that the help I had facilitated for her had worked and improvements had been made. We figured out the next step so more progress can happen. It felt so good to know that I made a difference and to interact directly with the people we are helping. The main part of my job has me working mostly behind the scenes, so I don't have direct interaction with many people who are impacted by our work. Working with clients and seeing the improvements first hand is so rewarding! I need more of it.

The happiness I felt as the result of a single phone call had me thinking about Glen's post. I pulled out a sheet of scrap paper and started brainstorming. I wrote about helping people and facilitating progress and coordinating efforts and organizing and searching for a better way to do things and efficiency and effectiveness and implementation of positive change.

Many of these key words are not new for me; they are constant themes when I brainstorm about what I want to do. Unfortunately, they are incredibly vague without a specific context. I feel hindered in this area because I assumed that I need specialized/expert knowledge in order to help people.

However, my experience helped me see that I am already doing many of these things in my current job. I don't need to be the expert, I just need access to the people who have the knowledge. My role as a coordinator should be knowing the systems, the contexts, and the opportunities, which is where my interest in operations and my analytical and problem solving skills come in.

I also wrote about my humanitarian interests. I like helping people who are viewed in one way or another as "disadvantaged", like people with disabilities and Veterans. That's when I realized that I am actually DOING much of what I want to be doing.

The main change I seem to need is an increased interaction with people so that I can see the progress and feel happy knowing that improvements have been made. The new responsibilities I just started this week will make that happen, and that change took place before I even knew that it is what I needed.

My new insight comes at a strange time. Donald may be employed in the near future, in a location too far away for a commute to my current job. The most surprising thing to me is that this situation does not give me anxiety. As I put my thoughts into words, I realized that the most important part of what I had just figured out is that I know what I want to do now. While my current job meets those desires, it is not the only one or the only way for me to do this kind of work. What I want to do is not dependent upon my current job.

I plan to explore my options with my current job to see how much flexibility there might be for me to keep it and telecommute. I know, however, that the worst case scenario of leaving this job and having to find another is not nearly so daunting now that I know what I am looking for and what will be fulfilling for me. I will no longer have to get "just a job". I will look for a good job that will help me grow and will give me meaningful work to do.

If it is meant to happen, it will.

Holy crap.... look how far I have come...

I was open to these insights partially because of Dani's post on positively present called "light up your life: 5 days to make your path brighter". Her metaphor of walking a path at night and in daylight and the way our perceptions change what we experience is truly artful and moving. I am bookmarking this post in particular so that when the darkness clouds my senses, I will be reminded that I am responsible for providing the light on my way through life.

Thank you for watching and supporting my journey, dear readers. I will keep you posted!

Perseverence and Survival

2009-10-01T09:20:00.001-04:00

News about Donald's job prospect may be forthcoming today. I prefer not to write anything about it yet, except to say that it is amazing how things may be working out, in an unexpected and possibly very meaningful way.

In the meantime, I wanted to share a story I heard recently. It was on Ken Burns' "The National Parks: America's Best Idea" series aired on PBS about the history of the national parks. One of the parks highlighted is Yellowstone, which includes the story of Truman C. Everts. While traveling with an expedition in 1870, Truman (aged 54) was separated from his party. He managed to survive with no food or tools or shelter for thirty-seven days before he was found, emaciated, injured, and out of his mind. And he recovered. He published his story in Scribner's Monthly in 1871. Lee Whittlesey republished it in 2002.

I sat there with my jaw on the floor. As the narrative described the course of events, the situation got progressively worse as Truman lost his supplies and then was injured several times. I was amazed that he survived at all. You can see the clip about his ordeal here (his story ends at 5:11).

It made me wonder about the kind of determination and resolve that Truman must have had in order to survive such a situation. I wonder whether I could have done/could do the same.

It also reminded me that things could always be worse. It reminded me to be grateful for each and every good thing in my life. I am even inclined to be grateful for the mediocre and mundane things because at least I'm not lost in uncharted wilderness with wild animals, frostbite, and starvation. Ah, perspective.

If Truman could survive under such terrible circumstances for over a month, what in the world could I possibly have to complain about?

To be fair, everyone has their own context. There is always someone worse off than we are. Truman's situation lacked simple physiological basics. Most of us are not in that situation. That doesn't mean that we don't have the right to express discontent or frustration. We have to work from our own perspectives and expectations and each find our own way to be happy.

Truman's story struck me because of his strength and determination. I admire his ability to survive. It gives me strength and determination too. If he could survive that, then I can certainly survive (and thrive in) the challenges that come my way.

What can you do today to move beyond surviving and into thriving?

Breathe

2009-09-29T15:51:00.002-04:00

Inhale the good, exhale the bad.
Breathe in to gather the negative things together and breathe out to expel them forever.

Breathe in.
Frustrated drivers honking in traffic.

Breathe out.
Wind blowing through nearby aspen trees.

Breathe in.
People walk by, instantly judged.

Breathe out.
Release internal dialogue. Stand, mind quiet, eyes closed.

Breathe in.
Tummy rumbles, impatient for dinner.

Breathe out.
Shoulders relax down, away from my ears.

Breathe in.
So cold.

Breathe out.
Clouds break, sun warms my back.

Breathe in.
My reflection, met with a frown, analyzing.

Breathe out.
Forgive and embrace me.

Breathe in.
Waiting for job news.

Breathe out.
Determined faith.

More Inspiration

2009-09-26T11:20:00.001-04:00

I updated my list of inspiring blogs in my sidebar. They are all worth visiting, often.

I keep finding new blogs to follow and new inspiration in the ones I already follow. Since I am still internalizing a lot of the things I have been learning, I'd like to take the opportunity to write about other people instead of myself.

First, I'd like to note Dani at positively present for her 14 reasons to fall in love with fall. Summer used to be my favorite season. Fall has surpassed it with flying colors (ha!) now that I know what fall can truly be. I didn't grow up with real fall and now that I experience the things Dani writes about, I join her in her enthusiasm and passion for the sense of change, the colors in the leaves, and the sounds and smells that come with autumn.

I enjoyed watching the video that Tess posted on The Bold Life under Rapping Southwest Flight Attendant. It's wonderful to witness people doing something out of the ordinary, which takes courage, and having it turn out so well that it lifts people's moods. I admire the attendant in the video for finding a way to make something very mundane exciting and new instead.

I recently discovered Urban Monk and I am really looking forward to reading and implementing the articles about Finding a Purpose and Passion in Life.

Now that I have laid out some of the changes I want to make in my life, I am happy to be reminded by Leo at Zen Habits that I should take things slowly. His post, entitled The Slow Secret: How to Make Lasting Changes in Your Life, outlines the wonderful benefits of slowing down. I have a feeling that this will help me in my goal to be in the present more often, too.

Mommy Mystic's post called LOVE- The Story of a Life, of Any Life brought me to tears with her words. Her story about her friend Matt who died at a young age is a poignant example of the way each of us can have an impact on the world by simply living our lives with love. The power of her words reminds me that even the little things matter and gives me the strength to keep going each day even if I don't accompish anything particularly noteworthy in the short-term.

I really enjoyed reading Ian's post on Quantum Learning called A world of deals and exchanges. His suggestion to try to make eye contact with people you encounter is something that I have tried to do before and it is truly surprising how difficult it can be, and how wonderful it is when you do manage to lock eyes with a stranger for a second. Our assumptions definitely get in the way of having happy exchanges with people as we maneuver through life. What can we do to act with a little more faith in humanity without feeling betrayed or endangered if our faith is returned with distrust? Maybe our positive actions will catch on.

The new blog that really jumped out for me in my exploring yesterday is Lisis' Quest For Balance. I would like to highlight three of her posts here. First, her post on Depression: The Long, Dark Road gave me some insight into what depression was/is like for her to deal with, and had me wondering what it feels like for Donald. I think he's mostly past his depression now, yet it's still good to understand what he was going through, especially if he encounters it again.

I think anyone having a bad day (or worse) can implement the suggestion to "focus on the centerline" and keep going a little longer. I'm using this idea now to get through the next couple weeks of waiting to hear news on Donald's current job prospect. Getting closer somehow makes it even harder.

Lisis also posted The Basic Needs: Just Be. This is a wonderful piece because it reminds her readers to simplify all the way back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It has definitely helped me to focus on the basics before getting caught up with the more complex things. Amazingly, meeting basic needs often simplifies the more complicated things or shows us that those things aren't really necessary.

The final post from Lisis that caught my attention is Adventure: How to Get From Fear to Faith. I was hesitant as I started to read this post, mostly because faith means different things to different people and I wasn't sure that she would share my sense of it. I absolutely love what she writes, that "what you believe is not as important as that you believe in something." She goes on to show how this can relate to everyone, no matter their religious or spiritual level of being. I will be doing my best to implement this idea. It will help me be in the present, let go of control, be less anxious, and trust that everything will work out.

Thanks for reading! I hope you visit and enjoy each of these blogs. I'd love to hear about the ones that have impacted you and how you have implemented what you read to make a difference in your life. Thank you to each of these bloggers for contributing in such a valuable way to the blogging community!

Willingness to Fail

2009-09-24T16:51:00.002-04:00

I have received some very wonderful feedback on my last post Self-Esteem and Making Mistakes. I feel the need to follow up on some things I said. First, I want to acknowledge some recent posts that speak to avoiding assumptions, over-analyzing, and judging.

Naveen Lakkur posted on Active Garage asking Are you diving deep into the matters? He includes a very relevant story that perfectly illustrates the dangers of judging and making assumptions. Ivan Capuzano writes How To Have New Eyes To See The World, about avoiding over-analyzation. His post gives great tips on how to see everything going on around you for what it is, without labels or analysis. Nadine Laman at First Draft also addresses the pitfalls of labeling others in her post called PC.

Okay, back to the title topic now. I realized after reading the comments from suZen and Mindy that I should probably give myself a little more credit. All of my self-esteem is not dependent upon doing everything right and being the best. It is definitely a very strong drive in me and certainly gets in the way when I consider trying something new. However, I read back through all of my blog entries thus far and found quite a lot of uplifting things. Apparently I need to listen to myself a little more.

A post on communicatrix gave me a much needed reminder that failing is part of living without fear. A willingness to fail is also a willingness to try something new, to learn from our mistakes, to improve things around us. Many of the best inventions and discoveries came from failure. Some of my best experiences recently have only happened because I was willing to do something spontaneous without knowing the outcome first. I need to take strength from the times that letting go has worked so well, proof that I do not have to be in control or prepared for every contingency.

I have had a good journey so far through my blog. I have gone from thinking that my way is to help other people handle conflict more appropriately to understanding that my way right now should be in adjusting my life and my attitude so that I can embrace whatever opportunities come my way. I need to trust that my path will become clear once I am in the right frame of mind to see it. Just typing that feels so freeing!

My posts and my blogging friends have taught me the following:
* I will soften in the face of conflict. I will address conflict. I will not place blame.
* I will do everything I can to simply be in the present, enjoying the learning process, engaged in what I am doing at that moment.
* In order to cultivate inner peace, I will relinquish control. I will accept that there are many unknowns and that I am not responsible for knowing them until they are shown to me. I will be patient.
* I deserve to be more forgiving of myself, accepting of failure, and allowed to make mistakes. I do not have to be the best at anything. I do not have to do anything right the first time. I will give myself credit when I do something right.
* I will be motivated by a desire to understand others, not by a desire to be right. I will engage in conversation with others with a willingness to be changed. I will not try to change or control others. I will be more accepting of others and not judgemental. I will be competitive with myself, and no one else.
* I will give myself permission to be open to opportunity and willing to embrace challenges. I will be more flexible and spontaneous. I might even be daring. I will stretch myself and be empowered. I will give myself realistic expectations.
* I will stop talking about it and do it; I will take action. I will listen with no agenda and no internal dialogue. I will think before I speak, and hopefully, say less.
* I will act with authenticity and integrity. I will express gratitide, compassion, humility, and grace. I will own my choices and I will choose to act in line with my values.
* I will breathe, deeply and with purpose.
* I will make progress, gradually and surely.
* I will be the best partner to Donald by being the best partner to myself.

Nadia wrote today on Happy Lotus, The Diamond In You & How You Can Never Be Threatened. This post is such a source of inspiration and encouragement to me. She writes about the importance of being present and reminds her readers that our core is perfect and cannot be threatened. It is up to us to uncover our cores, to remove the detritus of issues and struggle and to allow ourselves to shine the way we were intended to do. Her words give me the permission I need to follow my heart and not my mind, to free myself from the past and not worry too much about the future.

Thank all of you for your help along the way. I look forward to more kitchen conversations with friends.

Self-Esteem and Making Mistakes

2009-09-23T13:04:00.001-04:00

I came across a blog this morning that is very different from the blogs I normally read, and may stretch my readers a little. The purpose is similar and the audience is very different. It's written as a dating guide for geeks, called The Geek's Guide to Getting the Girl. Very alliterative.

I don't know if any of you have noticed from a few passing references in past posts that I have a geek streak. In some of my spare time, I play video games. I built my home computer so it would have the ability to handle World of Warcraft. My husband is a technophile. I have played Dungeons and Dragons. Donald would remind me that I am nowhere near a true geek because I have very good social skills. I do, however, suffer from low self-esteem in several areas, and while I am not a male, some of the things Elizabeth discusses in her blog strike home with me.

<watches her readership flee>

Elizabeth's post yesterday, entitled Changing Your Worldview gives a very clear and blunt message: "People with poor self-esteem are the only ones comparing themselves to other people. No one with a good sense of self-esteem cares." She goes on to say that it doesn't matter if we aren't the best at something. This is hard for me. I have written about needing to resist comparing myself to other people and to instead, compete with myself. I had not clearly connected it to self-esteem.

She also makes the suggestion to her readers that they should make a list of the things they do only because they think they ought to do them and then stop doing them. Now, obviously, if we stop taking out the trash because it is unpleasant, some pretty yucky consequences will result. This isn't her point though. The suggestion to consider what we spend our time doing and whether it is a worthwhile activity is all about addressing our priorities and making sure that we are acting in line with our values.

My self-esteem is directly connected with my need to be good at everything I do and to always do things right the first time.

Today on The Bold Life, Tess showcased Wilma's Blog in a post written by Wilma called When The Heart Guides The Mind.... Wilma writes about the wonderful things that can happen when we follow our heart and not our minds first. Deciding to follow one's heart when our mind is clearly in opposition takes an incredible amount of courage and determination. One of the things that often prevents me from ignoring my mind is my desire to do everything right the first time.

Donald and I talked about this last night before bed. I had spent an hour or two that evening playing Batman: Arkham Asylum on the XBox 360. Let me give you some background. First, I LOVE Batman. Second, Donald loves trying new video games and plays many different games in the course of a month; I try one after having it recommended highly to me and then I play it until I master it. I'm generally a one game girl. He is the one who got me to try video games in the first place; I was in graduate school. We play video games for completely different reasons and in completely different ways.

These differences translate directly into the way we live our lives. I am methodical and careful. I like to know what I'm supposed to do before I do it. Donald tries the first thing he sees and if that doesn't work, tries something else. He experiments and uses his failures to find his way to the right path. I fear failure and want to explore many paths before choosing one.

I was plodding steadily through the game last night and I entered a room with some bad guys in it. Batman has a "detective mode" that allows him to see through walls and such, so I could see how many bad guys there were. It took me a while to understand that they could not see me though, because this mode makes all of the walls look transparent and I assumed that I could be seen. I had to keep flipping back and forth between the two to get a clear picture of what I was dealing with.

One of the reasons I like this game is because much of what Batman does is sneaky. He hangs from gargoyles and sneaks up on people. He does not go rushing straight into combat, especially when the bad guys have guns. He takes his time to case the situation and is methodical in the execution of his plans. At least, he does when I'm playing him.

Donald was keeping me company and made suggestions and encouraged me to explore the room to figure out what I was supposed to do. Normally I appreciate his help because I am still a novice at video games of this type and I am not familiar with my options. For some reason though, last night, I just got more and more agitated about wanting to do it right the first time. I didn't want to try something that wasn't going to work. I wanted Batman to be perfect.

I could feel my internal four-year-old banging around inside me, saying "It's TOO HARD! I don't want to DO this anymore!" Luckily, I glanced at the clock and it was time for me to head to bed anyway, so I saved and quit.

Once we were in bed, I had relaxed enough to talk about it without whining. Donald pointed out our different gaming styles and gave me pointers about how to approach the game and its scenarios in less stressful ways. The part that really stuck out for me, though, was my apparent need to do everything right the first time. It had never been so clearly illustrated to me.

How much has that need been holding me back? I need some good challenges to start breaking that habit. Any suggestions?

Judging

2009-09-22T13:00:00.001-04:00

Nadia at Happy Lotus wrote a post called The September Issue of My Life. The part that jumped out at me in particular is the four paragraphs above the image of the mountain lake.

Avoiding making judgements about others is a significant challenge for me, one that embarrasses me. Nadia says, "We move through our days making judgments without ever realizing that maybe there is more to a person than what we see." Every time I see someone and make a judgement about them, I challenge myself to come up with other explanations, alternatives to my assumptions. For example, a person on the road tailgating me leads to my assumption that they are a terrible driver and a real bully. Alternatives could include the possibility that they are on their way to an emergency, that they are upset because someone close to them died, or that they are really excited to be going to see their favorite band in concert. This exercise allows me to let go of my hostility towards the other person, to get out of their way, and to wish them luck.

Why are our judgements of other people almost always negative? Why don't we make positive assumptions about people? Nadia writes, "It is said in spiritual texts that when we criticize another, we are criticizing something that bothers us about ourselves." So perhaps we are negative about other people because we are negative about how we feel about ourselves. We compare ourselves to other people in order to feel good or "better", when in fact, we are criticising ourselves by doing so.

Now that I am paying attention to this more in myself, I also seem to be observing it more in other people. It's almost like judging people who judge people. The biggest challenge this has given me is when I see it in my mother-in-law. I hear criticism of other people from her more often than I realized. I get the sense that she always wants to be right. I see myself in her, the parts I do not like, and I do not know how to react to that. Do I just ignore it and focus on changing myself? It is especially an issue for me because she is family and we live with her and she might help take care of our future children, so I have more of a stake in the outcome. What if she is unhappy? What would you do?

Perhaps I should acknowledge her negative energy and turn it into motivation to change myself, to avoid this similarity with her. I cannot change her, she has to find her own way. I need a balance between finding my way and protecting myself from energies that deplete my own. Thoughts?

Baby Steps

2009-09-22T10:43:00.004-04:00

I had an appointment with a new ob/gyn to get established as a new patient. As I sat there in my medical gown with a sheet over my lap, I fidgeted with a piece of paper in my hand. The night before, Donald and I had written some questions I needed to ask. When my doctor came in and introduced herself, she saw the paper and had me ask my questions first thing.

I told her that we're planning for me to stop taking birth control pills as soon as this pack is done (October 2). I wanted to know what the side effects might be since I've been on the pill for about ten years now. I also wanted to know what steps we needed to take to prepare for our eventual decision to conceive. I am already taking prenatal vitamins, so that was covered. She said we should wait three months before using no birth control at all to give my body time to adjust to being off the pill. She wrote a lab order for a rubella immunity test. She exuded very positive energy, walked me through the steps, and made it all sound so easy. I did the blood work that afternoon.

I am still trying to internalize the magnitude of these baby steps Donald and I have just taken together. We are heading towards a very new and exciting adventure together. We are also on our way to a huge amount of change and unknown.

In addition to this excitement, I also experienced a sudden sense of trepidation. What if this next step means that a lot of the things that I still want to do with my life will never happen? I started to think about what kinds of choices I would have made with my life if I hadn't gotten married right after grad school. I wasn't regretting marrying Donald; I simply wanted to consider what I would have done if it were just me, no other commitments. I was concerned to discover that I think I would have made some pretty different choices.

I will hedge here and say that who I was five years ago when I graduated from graduate school is not the same person as who I am now. So saying that I would have made different choices at that time in my life, from the perspective of my current being, is somewhat problematic. It does tell me, however, what is important to my individual development, what is important to making me who I want to be.

Having children is so important to me and to us. I want to give motherhood the proper time and effort it deserves. And at the same time, I want to give myself the opportunity to continue to grow as an individual. Several bloggers have written bucket lists for themselves. I'm not ready to write an entire one now, although these are some of the things that come to mind at the moment:

*See what it is like to live on/near a ranch where I can ride horses daily.
*Learn how to do some trick riding, especially the barrel roll.
*Live somewhere with open plains and mountains in the distance.

The next steps that Donald and I take together may not seem headed in a direction that might make these things happen. We currently live in the mid-Atlantic region and Donald's recent job prospects are relatively nearby. We are not moving West. This area tends to have English riding rather than Western.

When I talked to Donald about this, though, he reminded me that I can still work towards these things, no matter where we live. We can take vacations at dude ranches or working ranches. I can learn about horse care from anyone willing to teach me. If these are important things to me, we will find a way to make them happen.

Baby steps towards children and baby steps towards becoming who we want to be, as individuals and as a couple.

Present

2009-09-21T19:23:00.006-04:00

I have decided that the next step in my self-improvement process is going to be increasing my focus on being in the present. Impressively, many others have written about the same topic recently.

Zen Habits included a guest post by Mary Jaksch called Survive and Thrive: How to Transform Anxiety into Inspiration. While I don't find myself dealing with high levels of anxiety most days, not being present is a source of anxiety because of the focus on things we have no control over. She has several suggestions for how to deal with anxiety. My favorite is "practice meditation". While I do not meditate, this suggestion reminded me of breathing as practiced in yoga, an exercise I have found quite calming and transforming. Her encouragement to do this for three minutes several times a day is completely achievable. I will start this today.

A second recent post on Zen Habits called 8 Ways Doing Less Can Transform Your Work & Life touched on a similar theme and directed its readers towards simplifying their lives in order to be able to focus on the present more clearly. It is so easy to over-commit and get caught up in the multitude of things around us. We pride ourselves on being able to multitask six things at once. We have no idea what we might be missing. What worries me most is that these simplifying goals come across as though they are a luxury, when instead, they should probably be as essential as food, water, and shelter for a quality peace of mind. The most important part of the post for me is this: "Change gradually, but surely."

5 simple ways to cultivate inner peace on positively present showcased the International Day of Peace and connected the desire for international peace with the need to gain peace within ourselves. She wrote, "We don't have world peace because too many people lack inner peace. There isn't peace in the world because many people aren't at peace with themselves." I think that this is quite profound, especially because in many ways, it makes world peace seem that much more attainable if each of us really do have a role to play. Her first way of cultivating inner peace is through a focus on the present, thus avoiding inner conflict over the past and the future.

One of the best ways to be in the present is through laughter. The Jungle of Life posted about this in Laughter Revisited. Coincidentally, Donald and I experienced this on Sunday night. We had been out to dinner with his family and he was feeling somewhat giddy from the wine and the company and was in a silly mood. We had turned the light out and were settling in when my phone rang. It was my mom, so I took the call and chatted with her in the dark for a few minutes. When I got off the phone, I leaned back down towards my pillows and banged my head into the wall behind me.

Donald had removed my pillows and in the dark I had no reference point for the location of the wall. My first reaction was "ouch". A split second after that, when it dawned on me why I had hit the wall instead of my pillows, I raged, "You moved my *$^# pillows!" Donald pulled me into his arms and I fumed, giving into my anger and shooting daggers at him in the dark. A second or two later we were giggling helplessly. We didn't stop giggling for fifteen minutes, even after settling in again and trying to fall asleep.

Giggling like that with Donald was a moment of complete abandon. We were both completely in the present, together. Our laughter made everything negative disappear from the room. If that is what being in the present is like, bring it on!

Ripples

2009-09-18T12:55:00.007-04:00

A blog is like a pebble tossed into a pond. It begins as a single point. Upon contact with the water, the impact generates ripples, growing ever wider and more expansive, touching things the pebble never touched.

When I started this blog less than two months ago, I barely hoped that someone would read it besides me. Donald doesn't even read it; he knows that if I need to say something to him, I'll do it directly, not through this.

Eventually, I commented on a few blogs I found interesting and their authors returned the favor. My first comment was so exciting! I felt like I had progressed from the single point to the first ripple.

In the past few days, after visiting many new blogs and commenting on some of them, I am overjoyed at the reciprocal response. My community feels like it is growing and I am inspired by what I have found.

I love the image Janice conjured up in her comment when she said, "It's like visiting someone's kitchen and finding friends already at the table!" I am blessed to have such supportive and giving people reading my words and sharing their thoughts.

I would like to return the favor by writing about several posts that hit home for me. I have been thinking about them constantly over the past few days. Perhaps more than a coincidence, I have also been struggling at work this week, striving to be valued for the quality work I do and not for the number of hours I sit in my office. It is a work in progress and all of your words have helped me emerge with hope instead of defeat.

A few days ago, I mentioned Tess' post from The Bold Life, called Notice Anything? When I read it earlier this week, I was suddenly and uncontrollably brought to tears. Her conclusion reads: "If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made…How many other things are we missing?" Since reading her post, I have tried to make a point of raising my head when I walk down the street. I have tried to slow down and to remove too many scheduled things from my day. I have made a mental note to myself to pause and to reflect and to be.

Several of the blogs I read had timely posts about struggling with the work/career/happiness balance. Nadia at Happy Lotus wrote about "Working for Good". I have written about my struggle with the workplace and with the fact that I have not yet held a job I loved. Nadia's post gave me the much needed motivation to keep moving towards that goal and not to settle. Lance at The Jungle of Life wrote Happy Work, a post of support for those of us struggling to find the energy to get to work each day. I love his suggestion to "Be the happiness you wish to see in this world!"

Other blogs wrote recently about the best ways to respond to the world around us. 101 Smackdowns for Your Inner Critic posted First Response: Soften, which describes a Tai Chi movement and the best way to react. The author says, "When you soften, you remember what you need, and you remember what you have (which of course is all you need)." Megan at It's All About Joy! wrote Giving Our All, about avoiding kneejerk reactions. Her acknowledgement of wanting to change her life and stop being "Caught up in my head to such an extent that many days I couldn't get out of my own way, even if I had an army of people helping me" definitely hit home for me.

A couple of other blogs take it one step further and encourage readers to take control of themselves in order to improve their lives. Tess on The Bold Life in It's All About You and Karl at Karl Blog in Learning to Let Go both touch on this idea. Karl's post leads his readers through the steps to feeling emotion, controlling how we express that emotion, and how to turn it into something productive and positive. I definitely need to practice letting go.

One of my hardest challenges for letting go will be something Janice writes about on Sharing the Journey in Life Laundry...revisited. I left a comment on her blog and she responded with wonderful suggestions about how to simplify one's life by reducing clutter. I may have quite an opportunity when Donald and I move into a place of our own (someday) since most of our belongings are in storage in his parents' basement. I am looking forward to creating a physical embodiment of the changes I have been making in my life.

What will the next ripple bring?

Inspiring Blogs

2009-09-15T15:54:00.005-04:00

I just discovered a whole lot of new blogs to follow and I wanted to acknowledge one in particular that really moved me.

I still haven't quite figured out why, so I'll need to revisit this again after I have let it float around in the back of my mind for a while.

Tess posted Notice Anything? on The Bold Life.

I encourage you to read it. I will definitely be revisiting her blog.

Caterpillar

2009-09-15T13:14:00.005-04:00

This past weekend, Donald and I took the dog for a walk, and along our way, we saw one of these:

I nearly stepped on it and I cried out in delight, causing the dog to get excited and pull Donald into the road. Luckily there were no oncoming cars.

Unfortunately, because we had the dog with us and we were trying to train her to walk better on a leash, I could not play with this HUGE caterpillar. I had to keep walking and Donald kept hushing me to stop squeaking with excitement about how big it was. I had never seen anything like it before in my life.

I did a little research today to figure out what it was. Besides, of course, an alien demon come to take over the world. The one I saw was at least as big as the one pictured above (4 inches), if not bigger. It was magnificent.

It's a Regal Moth Caterpillar. It turns into one of these:

From Stephen Cresswell

I think I HAVE seen one of these, but do a quick Google Image search and check out how big and fuzzy and pretty they are!

I just wanted to share.

Dinners 3 to 6

2009-09-14T15:20:00.002-04:00

I am lagging behind on telling you about our dinners on our own!

I wrote about Dinners 1 and 2 with some projections for what was coming up. Those got changed since I wasn't feeling well when I got home on Thursday. We got Chinese take-out (#3). We had the salmon dish on Friday and it was really yummy, although I overdid the parsley - way too much! The salmon cooked perfectly and the potatoes and mushrooms had a great fall flavor. We'll definitely make it again, especially because it was really quick (#4).

On Saturday, I was successful in making my mom's chili (#5). This is one of those recipes that produces different results every time. I have made it often enough that I didn't use a recipe at all, and this batch was really yummy. I served it over freshly baked corn bread (from a box mix) and since we didn't have normal cheddar, I grated sharp white cheddar over it. Sharp white has more flavor than regular cheddar, so given a choice I'd go with the normal stuff to avoid overshadowing the flavor of the chili. I should also note that my chili balances meat, beans and veggies. I ordered chili in England once and was very confused when they brought out a bowl of ground beef and no beans in sight. Mad-cow, anyone?

I did some more recipe research online over the weekend and discovered a Chicken Tikka Masala recipe on The Pioneer Woman Cooks. Donald had been craving Indian food and I didn't want to go out and spend money, so this was a compromise. It ended up being really yummy (#6). I over-seasoned the chicken, so the cumin taste ended up really strong, so be careful with that. Donald said we could make it for his parents sometime, a real compliment.

Tonight we're having dinner out with Donald's brother, although I don't know where we're going yet. Tomorrow night we're finally having the pasta with sausage and broccoli dish. And then the in-laws return!

Oh, I also made the Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies again that I posted about here. This time, I gave Donald one just out of the oven, still gooey in the middle, and he moaned. I nearly dropped a pan of raw cookie dough. When he told me the cookies were nearly as good as sex with me, I took it as a compliment. Wouldn't you?

Conditional Love

2009-09-14T11:36:00.005-04:00

My in-laws have a dog, a six-year-old Weimaraner. I didn't grow up with dogs. I grew up with cats, rabbits, fish, and a rat. My family didn't get a dog until a year or two before I left for college and he was a mess, so I didn't really connect with him.

The Weimaraner is a source of frustration for me. She is spoiled. She sleeps in my in-laws' bed. People vacate couches and chairs for her. She barks for her breakfast and dinner. She runs the household. When we would visit, it was a source of amusement. "Oh, that dog."

And then Donald and I moved in.

I am unwilling to kowtow to the dog. I will not get up from my seat to give her space on the couch. I started implementing lessons from Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. She doesn't lick the dirty dishes in the dishwasher anymore if I'm around. Donald corrects her when she barks at him when he is putting food in her dish. We took her for a walk together this past weekend, taking turns at correcting her for pulling and wanting to be first. Our arms are sore. She seemed to be getting it by the time we got home, an hour and a half later. We thought we had tired her out.

I have written about my obsession with the garden. I spend hours happily trimming damaged leaves from the tomatoes, clearing out weeds from between the bean plants, and picking green peppers. I care for the garden with love and I am protective of it, which is why I'm glad that it is surrounded by a deer fence consisting of three feet of chicken wire along the bottom, covered with seven feet of black mesh fencing. Metal fence posts are placed at the four corners and midway on all four sides.

The dog broke into the garden on Saturday. After the walk that was supposed to have worn her out. After I had shown her affection, something I reserve for special occasions because I do not want to reward her bad behavior. She tore out two tomato plants and mangled several heads of lettuce. And then she barked because she was stuck. She had torn a hole in the black mesh fence just above the chicken wire big enough to worm her way inside the enclosure. She had no idea how to get back out. I wanted to skin her alive.

I manhandled her out of the enclosure. Donald and I got more black mesh fencing and placed a double thick layer over the hole the dog made. We secured it tightly. Our mistake was letting her watch us. The next day, when the dog had been outside for enough time that we wondered where she was, we found her in the garden, again. This time she had pulled two green tomatoes from the vine. She couldn't find her way out this time either.

The Dog Whisperer says that dogs live in the moment, that past and future do not matter to them. I want to believe him. I do not understand why this dog would do such a thing. She is not hungry. It seems vindictive, like she is punishing me for withholding affection, that she knows how much I love that garden and is motivated to destroy it just to hurt me. I truly felt betrayed. I had been nice to her and this is the thanks I get?!

I just had to force myself to take several deep breaths. I'm still a bit worked up.

After letting go of my anger, I realized that my affection/love for the dog is conditional. If she upsets me, I withhold affection as a punishment. It's not an effective way to function for either of us.

I shared my realization with Donald, and he said, "Wow, I'm glad you don't do that with me." I said, "I don't do it to people! .... anymore."

Unfortunately, I did this to someone when I was younger. It was my little sister, the same one I helped move to a new place on the spur of the moment last month. We haven't always had such a close relationship.

My sister and I are seven years apart, with our brother in the middle. When she was about 7 years old, we moved to a new house and all three of us shared a room. She had always been very independent and pushed the rules constantly. This, of course, conflicted directly with my belief that my parents were always right (I was a strange child) and contributed to my unease when I saw my parents relax on the rules that my sister flaunted instead of enforcing them. Thinking I was helping my parents, I took on the role as a third parent, trying to enforce the rules myself. Obviously, this didn't work and ended up compromising my relationship with my sister for many years.

I believed that I was acting with good intentions. What came across was disapproval of my sister. She could not win with me. Even if she did something right, I was expecting her to do something wrong. If I did something "nice" for her (which often consisted of "helping" her clean her room when I had ulterior motives to control her space), I felt betrayed when she didn't appreciate it.

I eventually figured out that this mode of operating would never improve my relationship with her. I had graduated from college and I was complaining once again to Donald about something my sister had done or not done. He called me on it. He helped me see that the quality of my relationship with my sister was my responsibility and that I was judging her before she acted. I was stunned by the truth and grateful to Donald for showing me the error of my ways.

I called my sister and apologized for the years of unhappiness between us. She was gracious enough to accept my apology and we have become friends in the subsequent years.

I have told myself for so many years that I am really careful and aware of my affect on other people. I wonder whether that has ever been true. I am seeing more as I look at my life that I have embodied many of the things that I abhor in other people. I understand now why many people in high school thought I was aloof and self-righteous. I may be more aware of myself now, and I still have a long way to go.

So why am I conditional with the dog? Is it because she isn't my dog, and therefore I have no responsibility/right to train her the way I want to? Will I be different with a dog if Donald and I get one? Is it different with dogs because we are supposed to be superior to them? Whatever it is, my method is not working.

At least now I can see where my judging comes from. I am very competitive. I am self-conscious. I have lived my life acting in line with the belief that in order for me to be the best I can be, I must be better than everyone else. I talk about myself non-stop because I am trying to convince myself that I am right and therefore of value. The historian in me wants to know how this happened. I think it's time to let that go and simply be in the now.

I listened to Susan Scott's webinar on Transformational Idea #3 today and again found immediate relevance to my struggle. She spoke about the fact that individuals approach every interaction with their own context and perceptions and that we assume our interpretations of what someone says or does are correct. She asked her listeners to think about what we are choosing to believe. She also asked, "What are you practicing?"

As Susan says, our beliefs drive our behavior and our behavior drives our results. What I practice has a direct impact on the direction my life is taking. Progress in my life/career/etc. is dependent upon my progress as an individual.

She also said, loud and clear, "Stop talking about it and do it." Here I go.

Humility

2009-09-11T10:14:00.005-04:00

I'm embarrassed and I'm working on forgiving myself. I am glad that I vented yesterday and I am starting over today.

I ignored all of the things that I am grateful for. I looked past the things that have true value to me. I denied all of the things that go right in this world and how lucky I am. I am ashamed of my selfishness and while I know it is human, it is not the way I want to be.

Especially today.

Mindy's post on her blog, The Suburban Life, helped to bring me back to reality. It is time to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is time to embrace the good things, to acknowledge the bad things, and to do what I can to make myself worthy of the blessing that is each and every day of my life.

I know that I will trip and fall again. I know that there are strong arms and hands and hearts to catch me and put me back on my feet again. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I need to find a balance between standing up strong and kneeling with humility. I need to have confidence in myself and grace and compassion. I will find my way, one day at a time.

I will live in a way that makes me deserving of the sacrifices made to protect my ability to do so.

Pretending Makes it Worse

2009-09-10T13:43:00.004-04:00

Pretending that we are independent adults while the in-laws are gone makes the fact that we are not living on our own worse, not better. I watched President Obama's speech on TV last night and some of the things I observed were very discouraging. I feel completely daunted in my desire for people to communicate better.

I am in a foul mood today. I could see the low, dark clouds in the distance for the past few days, and today, it is here. I feel tired. I feel like I might be getting sick. I feel apathy and no motivation. Everything is too hard. It takes all of my energy to be civil. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. And I am tired of waiting.

I'm having a fight with myself. I say, "You're acting like a two-year-old. You have control over some of this. Stand up, be a woman, and take charge of what you can change and let everything else go!" I respond, "Shut up and leave me alone! I get to be grumpy if I want to be! It's too hard! It's not worth it anymore! I just want to go home and crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or until the waiting is over!"

I can almost always see a silver lining, even when things are hard. Today all I see are flaws. There's a hole in my shirt, which means that my wardrobe is falling apart, and we have no money for me to replace my clothing, and getting dressed in the morning is hard enough as it is without having to worry about my choices decreasing. I just found out that there's a meeting in ten minutes that I wasn't invited to and am still expected to attend. I am so bored at work. I don't feel like I have the skills or abilities to make things better. My phone keeps ringing and it is always a wrong number, a mis-dial for a high traffic conference call line; it happens seven times a day on average.

I try to laugh. I would rather cry.

I don't want to live my life this way anymore and I don't know how to fix it. It is really hard not to shove some blame towards Donald, even though I know that it isn't his fault and blaming him doesn't help anything. So I end up angry with myself, a debilitating, why do I even try rage. I have been on a high horse, telling myself that I am better than other people so that I can mask my low self-esteem, telling myself that I can do anything I put my mind to so that I do not despair when I look around and see little success.

I need a hug. And probably a kick in the pants too.

I Need Advice

2009-09-10T11:27:00.003-04:00

I have two questions for my blog readers:

(1) How do you get eyeshadow to stay put for longer than an hour? I have tried applying foundation first, I have tried different types of brushes to apply it, I have tried different brands. I LOVE eye makeup and I want to make it stay where I put it. Any suggestions?

(2) Donald and I have two cats. The older one is long-haired and seems to be unable to keep her rear clean. She is a tad overweight, so she might not be able to reach it. She reminds us of the situation every single day by scootching her butt on the carpet, creating lovely little poo paintings for us to enjoy.

I have gotten used to cleaning up after her, but it's a possible health risk for her and might be a sign of something else. I did some research online for suggestions. I saw the warnings that butt scootching might be a sign of worms. I saw suggestions to trim her fur so there's less for poo to stick to. I see the possible need to control her weight better by changing our feeding habits. But I want some more opinions. Please?

Dinners 1 and 2

2009-09-10T11:08:00.002-04:00

We're on our own again and I've been in charge of cooking dinner. So far, so good. Almost all of my recipes will be coming from Real Simple Magazine.

On Tuesday night, we had hamburgers and Grilled Zucchini Salad with Lemon and Scallions. I made Pioneer Woman's favorite burger and Donald made his own. The burgers were really yummy. The zucchini salad had something lacking, I'm not sure what. It was very plain and simple, very quick and easy to make, and didn't have a lot of flavor. We each had a light beer with it. I'm not sure we'll do the zucchini again (there are better zucchini dishes out there, I'm sure); the burgers will always be a hit.

Last night, Wednesday night, we had Chicken Cutlets (part of this recipe) and caprese salad (tomatoes, fresh buffalo mozzarella, and basil). The salad was made with tomatoes and basil from the garden and was exquisite. It is my favorite thing to eat in the whole wide world. The chicken was very quick and easy, and again, plain and without much flavor. We each had a glass of red wine with this meal. Donald and I agreed that we should definitely make it again on a quick dinner night, and that it would be great for kids and not company.

Tonight, the plan is to have Roasted Salmon with Potatoes and Mushrooms. I haven't cooked fish before, so it might be an adventure. The weather is definitely turning into fall, so this seems like a hearty meal, perfect to kick off football season tonight!

Tomorrow night we'll probably have pasta with sausage and broccoli over it (I can't seem to find the recipe online right now). I'm making my mom's chili over the weekend. I need to find a few more recipes since we are on our own until Tuesday (I thought it was Sunday originally). Any suggestions?

Puzzle Pieces

2009-09-08T14:55:00.004-04:00

I don't really have a cohesive point in my post today, so I'll share some thoughts and follow-ups from previous posts.

Thank you for the positive feedback on my last post. I, too, have come to the decision that blogging is different from evangelizing (and different from having a conversation). My blog needs to be my outlet for what I am thinking and feeling. It's why I started it and why I enjoy writing. So, onward I go!

Donald and I are on our own again, for nearly an entire week this time! I already made up dinner menus for five nights and Donald is going grocery shopping. I'll have to let you know how the recipes go. Most of them are dishes I have never made before.

I think I'm having a tough time coming up with something to write about this time because I'm somewhat emotionally drained. Donald and I went to a wedding over the weekend. The bride was the daughter of family friends; she and her sister and parents went on trips with Donald and his siblings and parents at least once a year. It was amazing to finally meet them after hearing many of the hilarious stories from their adventures together.

The ceremony was really beautiful. I cried before anyone even processed down the aisle, and continued to weep silently through the whole thing. I seem to be incapable of attending a wedding without getting tears in my eyes. I sit there, hanging on to Donald's hand or arm for dear life, my emotions rising and falling like a small boat on rough waves. The meaningfulness of marriage is overwhelming. I think that our struggles and triumphs in our own marriage give it an even greater impact when I witness a couple taking their first steps into their own adventure.

I feel especially emotional when those in attendance are charged with supporting the newly official couple through their married life. At our ceremony, a dear friend of ours gave the homily and asked us to face our friends and family who had gathered that day. She emphasized the fundamental need for a couple to have a supportive community and made sure that all of those in attendance knew that the survival of our marriage might depend on each and every one of them. The power of community was made clear.

One of the hardest things in marriage is figuring out how to support your spouse through difficult and personal things and, at the same time, how to support your marriage by asking for help. When the issues are especially personal, much like those Donald and I are struggling with now, it can feel like a betrayal to share what is going on with those around you, even with close friends and family. I have reached out through my blog, to people I do not know, people who did not witness the commitment Donald and I made to each other, for support during these difficult times. What prevents me from utilizing all of those wonderful people who were present the day of our wedding?

Do you ever feel like you're always supposed to have a positive face on your marriage in public? Do you feel like asking for help means that you have failed? Does admitting to difficulty have to come with shame?

Why do we hesitate to ask for help from the very people who are most likely to support us unconditionally? Why do we try to have a "perfect" marriage despite knowing that such a thing does not exist? Why do we insist on carrying on as though everything is fine when doing so might actually doom our relationship?

Too many relationships end because of a failure to acknowledge the truth. Frustrations are kept bottled up. The quality of the marriage is not assessed. Children become the ultimate distraction. We stop listening to ourselves. We stop listening to each other.

What would happen if we simply spoke the simple honest truth and trusted that we would still be accepted and supported? What are the costs if we do not?

Evangelist

2009-09-04T09:27:00.006-04:00

I am proud of myself so far. I have almost removed "but" from my conversations and writing. I listen to myself more carefully now. I try to be present in every conversation. I am practicing things I value.

My biggest hurdle seems to be a very strong desire to be right. It comes out when I interject myself into someone else's story. It becomes obvious when I tell Donald a story full of judging others. It is impossible to ignore when I say or think that my purpose in life is to help other people improve.

How arrogant is that?

Donald made an important point to me yesterday. As I'm sure you have noticed, I reference a particular book and a particular author all the time. I gave copies to members of my family for Christmas. It shows up in many of my conversations. He asked me to consider for a moment how it would sound if I replaced the name of that book with The Bible and the name of that author with God. I screeched to a halt.

I never intended to evangelize. I hope that my posts have simply been a sounding board for my journey of self-discovery and that they have not come across as a mantra for living that everyone should follow. Preaching at people is never something I thought I would do, so if I have come across that way previously, it stops now.

No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong. No one likes to be made to feel inferior or less than equal. If I have made any of you feel that way, I apologize.

Donald encouraged me to focus on living my values rather than talking about my values. My personal success does not rely on changing someone else. It only depends on me. This does not mean that my "way" needs to be a secret. My way will only work for me, just as someone else's way will only work for them. Sharing my way would imply that someone else's is wrong. It's also incredibly self-centered. I do it this way. Me. Me. Me.

Despite the ugliness of arrogance, I struggle with the idea of not sharing. My journey has depended very much on learning from others, considering their way and deciding whether it would help me. I would never have found their stories or experiences if they had not shared them with the world. The point, perhaps, is that I sought out their knowledge and their experiences, they were not forced on me. No one made me consider their ideas, I chose to consider them. That choice makes all the difference.

Does this mean that we should only share our opinions when asked? Or that everyone who expresses a personal preference on Facebook or Twitter is trying to change me? Am I writing this blog as a form of self-aggrandizement?

I would agree that there are many people who use various forms of social media as a soap box to proclaim their beliefs in order to get other people to agree with them or to change their ways. I would also argue that our willingness to speak our minds in a public way creates a dynamic and potentially innovative dialogue about what we think in a very diverse and collective way. Those who resonate most with their readers are probably the ones who present their opinions or experiences in a way that makes the readers feel good and inspires them. It's really about the way in which the sharing is conveyed.

I would like to believe that many people share personal things in a public way because they want feedback, they want community, they want to consider many perspectives in order to enhance their individual journey. Maybe they want a little validation, to know that they are not alone in the universe, that even though everyone has their own way of living their lives, there are still shared experiences and voices of support out there.

Why do you write/share? What qualities attract you to someone else's writing? What qualities turn you off?

Storage

2009-09-03T12:01:00.004-04:00

Last night I wandered into the basement to stare at the boxes and furniture piled floor to ceiling. Boxes of our stuff. Pieces of our lives put away for sometime. It has been six months so far.

I want to unpack. I want to rediscover our wedding china, our eclectic library of books and movies and video games, our kitchen utensils, our photographs. I want to put things in their proper place. Control. Order. My identity is in there somewhere.

In the face of discovering more about myself I'm looking for something stable, something rooted, to remind me of who I am, who I have been. I am not trying to revert to a past life, just simply trying to remember how I have become me and what has been important to me along the way. Perhaps trying to find inspiration for what I might become next.

Did anyone notice that I mixed metaphors in a few of my last posts? I said that I needed to get off my high horse. I also said that I was back in the saddle. Hopefully the saddle I'm currently occupying is on a short horse. Or a dark horse. I like rooting for the underdog. Especially when they come from behind and surprise everyone. It's nice to be unpredictable once in a while.

Shortsighted

2009-09-02T13:11:00.005-04:00

Everything I do now will matter in the long run. Some things will matter more than others. Even the quality of the little things will prove my abilities and skills and I cannot afford to squander those opportunities.

My attitude about my job (and former jobs) has often degenerated into a very shortsighted view. I think it happens because I retreat into a "take each day one at a time" mentality, which can be incredibly helpful and which also encourages me to forget about the long-term implications of what I do each day.

I had a conversation with my boss today. I didn't have to tell him that I feel underutilized. He knows. He is aware of my potential and the fact that my current project is not as busy as he thought it would be. We talked about additional projects I can take on. It became abundantly clear to me that my boss is thinking about the long-term. He wants to connect me with projects that will be developing for years to come. He wants to groom me to be a key player in his future endeavors.

I was floored by my shortsightedness. I was also humbled by my underestimation of my boss. He is often away and I do not get the opportunity to meet with him very often. I should have had a little more faith in his awareness of my abilities and his interest in having me achieve my potential.

My motivation to improve my attitude is now boosted by the knowledge that I am appreciated and will soon be given opportunities to prove my worth and to grow as an individual. What amazing timing the universe has!

Breakthrough

2009-09-01T14:07:00.005-04:00

I think I have finally heard what Fierce Conversations is saying.

I just finished listening to Webinar: Transformational Idea #2 by Susan Scott. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It told me exactly how to be the kind of person who leaves a "positive emotional wake", the kind of person who can achieve the goals I have outlined for myself:

(1) View/treat everyone as my equal (no exceptions).
(2) Attitude is key.
(3) Invite/consider multiple perspectives with the goal of being influenced, NOT to influence others.
(4) Put the greater good first.
(5) Be present in every conversation, "prepared to be nowhere else".
(6) Speak the truth with good intent.
(7) It is not important to be right.
(8) Say less, listen more.
(all credit for the above goes to Susan Scott of http://www.fierceinc.com/)

As I listened, it dawned on me that my unhappiness with my past/current jobs is partially of my own doing. I had a terrible attitude. I strove to be right and I was closed to other perspectives. I was never present in the conversation. I thought only of myself. I did absolutely nothing to better my situation and I probably made it worse. I'm still doing it - placing blame, avoiding honesty, skimming through my interactions with my co-workers.

I have negatively affected my relationships when I talk and don't listen, when I speak only to be right, when I assume that someone else will benefit from what I say without being prepared to benefit from something they say. Many of my relationships are distant and impersonal because I do not engage people "on a deep level". Even my most important relationships have suffered from my one-sided conversations. How did I get so defensive and selfish?

I tend to be a private person with most people and quite open and free with the few people I grow to trust. I think I have allowed my private tendencies to prevent me from connecting with people. Engaging someone does not mean sharing personal details. It means being open, it means listening with no agenda and no internal dialogue. It means being present and respectful of someone I consider my equal.

It's time to get off my high horse.

I have the power to change my situation. I do not need to change other people. I need to change me. I said this in another post, but it hasn't been so clear until now. When I wrote it before, I was not focused on the goals above. It was a more wishy-washy, "I need to be a better person" sense. I know what I need to do now.

It's humbling to suddenly hear someone I admire telling me that I haven't actually been living the values I profess to have. Hopefully I heard the truth this time.

This is the beginning. My blog is a lot of talking, so if you comment, I promise I will listen. Please forgive me if I have previously cheapened our relationship. I invite you to join me in improving our relationship, "one conversation at a time".

Thank you, Susan.

My Choices

2009-09-01T10:39:00.004-04:00

A quick walk, a box of hair dye, a mocha, and a call from Donald and I'm back in the saddle.

I chose to take unfulfilling jobs before. I can choose to make different choices next time.

I have learned how it feels to be in positions that do not challenge me, do not engage me, and do not make me a better person. I only fail if I knowingly let it happen again.

I worry that my job experience doesn't give me qualifications that will land a job I really want. I need to work harder to prove that I have the skills and abilities to do what I really want to do.

Donald reminded me that our next move will come with flexibility that we have never had before. Donald will be the one providing the main income and health insurance. We might need the money from my income too, but I can be more careful and picky about what I do next. My next steps do not have to include another temporary job. I do not have to sacrifice this time. Whatever I choose next does not have to be set aside for children. I will demand flexibility from myself and from my next endeavor. It will be meaningful. It will be fulfilling. It will be challenging.

Thank you, Donald, for being the best husband in the world, for picking me up and brushing me off, and putting me back in the saddle. Thank you for acknowledging that I have sacrificed my "career" for the past four years and for not letting me think that I have consequently damaged my future. We will get there, together. I love you.

Compromise and Fulfillment

2009-09-01T09:22:00.006-04:00

I'm still thinking about what I want to do with my life. My last post about parenting and my role as a mom, individual, and spouse, has made me realize that my "career path" is not going to be typical. I can, therefore, make choices that someone pursuing a "normal career" might not make. I haven't figured out yet what this means.

I have worked in a human resources capacity enough to know that when hiring, a resume that has large gaps of unexplained time or that shows the person moving from one job to another frequently raises red flags. It does not necessarily prevent a good candidate from landing an interview, but especially for jobs that have hundreds of applicants, those kinds of things are often used to cull the group.

I had been worried about this somewhat. I haven't held any job for more than two years. Our choice for Donald to go back to school meant that I left one job and got another. I moved within that job to a different department. Then we moved in with his parents and I got another job. If he gets the position he interviewed for, we would move again. I don't know whether I would be able to keep my current job or not.

While this pattern can easily be explained and does not actually indicate a lack of loyalty on my part, on the surface, before anyone talks to me, I look like a flight risk. And I know that I have been dinged in previous interviews because I gushed about how wonderful it was to be a young, newly married woman. Assumptions were made about how quickly I'd get pregnant, take maternity leave, and then leave for good. The same thing happened when I happily shared my excitement about Donald's degree pursuit. It branded me as a two-year employee, no more no less. Both assumptions completely unfair, and if provable as the reasons I was rejected, illegal, but it didn't matter.

Every job I have had has taught me something valuable about myself. My first job (#1) out of graduate school taught me that I prefer to work with other people and not alone, that I like collaboration and a balance of quiet time. I also stretched my wings in creating policy and procedure there, even though it wasn't in my job description.

My next position (#2) was largely a nightmare. I worked for a very difficult person and for a year and a half, I functioned without a backbone, a very detrimental experience, but one that also taught me what I can survive and what I should never, ever tolerate again. I also realized that my health suffers when the way I spend my time is not in alignment with my values (a Susan Scott connection).

I transitioned from there to a much better environment (#3), which, while still not very challenging to my skills and abilities, gave me opportunities to grow that I had never had before. I was encouraged to get training, to hone my skills, to think about what I really wanted to do. I was engaged and supported. I had never felt this before. It showed me what could be and it helped me recover from the previous position.

And now I am here (#4). I am still not very challenged and I have quite a bit of down time to myself. I know that I am valued, but the nature of the position seems to be very laid back. I know that I am doing good work - the project I am connected to is very meaningful and worthwhile - and I also know that I am not doing enough. I am underutilized. I am not growing. I am not using my education and abilities to my potential. This is the third job in a row that has been this way.

I excuse myself by saying that jobs #2-4 were "temporary". I didn't work hard to find something that fit me or used my skills because jobs like that were either unavailable or because I figured that I could just take something easy since I was "only" going to be there for two years or less. I cut myself short. I tolerated job #2 for so long because I thought it was going to end soon. And then we didn't leave. So I looked desperately for something else and found #3, an improvement, but not enough of one. When it came time to look for #4 I was simply looking for an income and health insurance, something to tide us over while Donald continued his job search.

I have spent the last four years compromising.

My question for myself now is what I do whenever Donald's next career move takes us elsewhere. The plan I outlined in my last post has me working until we have a family. So do I get another "temporary" job? What if I get pregnant right away? What if it takes us years to conceive? What if I end up with a job I love and don't want to leave? What if I hate my job and it affects my health and my ability to have children?

Forty hours a week is a lot to sacrifice on something that has little meaning for me beyond a paycheck and health insurance. What if Donald's income isn't large enough right away and I have to work AND leave my child with someone else for the day? I already know that the job better be wonderful for me to have any satisfaction with that arrangement. None of the jobs I have had in the past would make the cut. And I have no idea what I am looking for or whether I would even be qualified for the position if I could find it.

My concerned thought pattern dumps me back into "maybe I'm just supposed to be a mom" and "maybe I'm not cut out for the workplace" and "maybe no job will ever be good enough for me".

How do I figure this out? How can I say that I want to fix things around me, to help people help themselves, when I haven't figured out how to help myself?

I'm apparently feeling a bit unhappy today. Sorry for the downer.

Parenting

2009-08-31T14:41:00.001-04:00

With the prospect of having our own household again dancing tantalizingly in the near future, Donald took me for a walk. Walks have often been our time to discuss our hopes and dreams, to plan for our futures and consider important truths. This time, he wanted to reconfirm that our previous sense of balance between parenting, careers, and maintaining our marriage, was still something that I agreed with.

Donald outlined what we had agreed upon before: he would work full-time, I would work until our first child was born, and then (assuming financial stability) I would be a full-time mom. Raising our children needed to be first priority and extra activities should not detract from it.

I kept walking, but my mind was racing. Did Donald want my identity to be solely that of mother and devoted wife? Was he asking me to never have a career or to have my own interests or activities?

Donald, familiar with what my silences mean, asked me to tell him what I was thinking. I started talking, brainstorming as I went. I said that I would always want to be involved in the community and to make a meaningful contribution, but that I did not have to have a paid job or a traditional career. I said that I wanted to put our children first, but that I also wanted to develop myself as an individual. I might get involved in things like the PTA, which is child-related, but I might also seek out a book club or historical society to challenge myself mentally and emotionally. I encouraged Donald to think about doing the same, to avoid spending all of his time only on work and kids. He needed guys' nights out and activities only for him.

As we were talking, I realized that we had left something out. We had talked about our roles as parents and as individuals. We had not yet said anything of our roles as spouses. I know that my own parents neglected this part of their relationship when they had children, and thirty years later are just now trying to put the pieces back together. This kind of thing happens too often. I will not allow it to happen to Donald and me because of neglect.

I truly think that making time for each other will be the most challenging part of our relationship when we add children to our lives. It is so easy to focus on the things that scream (literally) instead of on the things that suffer silently. We will need to work hard to provide opportunities for ourselves and each other to grow together. I will need to learn how to stop being silent and to ask for what I need, for what our relationship needs.

Now is the time to practice.

My Motivation

2009-08-30T13:15:00.012-04:00

After writing Compassion and Grace, I shared some of my thoughts on the subject with Donald. He asked me some delving questions and I feel like I need to explore my own motivations a little more.

I have written about my own struggles with conflict and making assumptions and striving to be a better person. I have also written about my desire to help other people handle conflict more appropriately. It is in the context of helping others that I am concerned about my motivations for wanting to do so.

It would be incredibly presumptuous and arrogant of me (1) to assume that anyone else wants my help, and (2) to believe that I know any better than anyone else. I should not be motivated to have fierce (or any other kind of) conversations in order to prove that I am right. If I approach someone, even with a well-crafted question, with obstinate disagreement as my motive, I will not create an environment in which any positive change will take place. I must not approach a conversation with the motive to change someone else. I must engage in conversation instead with the willingness to change myself.

I think one reason many of the difficult conversations outlined in Susan Scott's book are so successful is that the people being challenged by Susan's questions invited her to help them. They asked for her help.

I also think that I have missed an important lesson in the book. In order for me to engage in a fierce conversation, I must "come out from behind" myself. The point is not to force someone else to do this, it is for ME to do this. The conversation may also bring someone else out from behind themselves, but the point is that I change what I do, not what someone else does.

So if I come out from behind myself, how do I encourage a fierce conversation when I disagree with the other person? How do I express my dissent without shutting down the conversation or making someone else feel that I disapprove of them? I need to know more about what coming out from behind myself really means. I also need to practice asking questions that lead both of us to a better understanding of each other. The final result of the conversation should not be anticipated; the conversation should not be directed in any particular direction. It must evolve as the participants develop their relationship.

After all, "The conversation is the relationship."

Compassion and Grace

2009-08-28T12:17:00.006-04:00

I am still inspired and driven by Fierce Conversations.

Are some political issues especially contentious because no one is listening and no one feels heard? What would happen if there were more (any?) fierce conversations in politics?

Would birthers be able to explain why they want to deny the legitimacy of Obama's presidency? Would the American public be able to have an open and honest discussion about health care?

My thoughts on the subject, I'm sure, betray how very optimistic I am. Donald suggested that in order for this kind of conversation to take place, especially on hot-button issues, a significant amount of logic, patience, and understanding must be expressed by the participants. I believe that each of us is capable of having engaging, patient, and fierce conversations about any issue. The first step is learning how.

My first step is to actively live what I believe, to put what I want to do with my life into action in every context. My biggest hurdle seems to be avoiding making assumptions. It's harder than I realized, because I do it all the time, to the detriment of others and myself. I not only have to listen to myself when I speak, I have to listen to myself when I think.

This is an exercise in compassion and grace. If I am a better person, do I make the world a better place?

Progress?

2009-08-27T11:26:00.003-04:00

I have written before about our desire to have children. We may have made a decision that gets us one step closer to that goal.

We have decided that after my next pack of pills, I will stop taking them. Maybe forever.

This means that as of October 7, I will be on my way to clearing the path for pregnancy. My doctor has said that we should wait three months between going off of the pill and using no birth control at all. This would mean that we could start 2010 with a bang!

I'm trying not to let this mean anything. We haven't decided that it's time to have kids. We've just decided that it's time to be ready to have kids. I haven't told anyone. Telling people gives it weight it shouldn't have, at least not yet.

My mom would certainly be one to make assumptions. She read me the riot act a few weeks ago when I confided in her about my baby fever craziness. She went off the deep end, ranting about how silly it was for us to be so responsible and that maybe I should listen to my body instead. I understood her point and I think the ferocity of her words took us both by surprise.

Even though none of them have stated it, our four parents are ready for grandchildren. I have watched my father, a reserved and thoughtful man, ogle at young babies to make them laugh, his face lighting up when they smile at him. When my in-laws visited family a few weeks ago, including the relatively new children of Donald's cousins, they returned home full of stories about how cute the kids were and with comments about the cousins' parenting styles. And clearly, even though I haven't witnessed my mother making eyes at babies lately, she feels the need too.

The thought of making them grandparents makes me melt. The only thing that trumps it is the expression I picture on Donald's face when he holds his children for the first time. That image keeps me going no matter what lies ahead.

Finding Myself

2009-08-26T13:52:00.004-04:00

I'm trying to find myself.

One of my tools is the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. She's one of my heroes. Her company's site is listed as a source of inspiration on this blog. Here are some reasons why:

(1) Her book challenges me. It reminds me of the importance of authenticity and integrity. It encourages me not to place blame. It asks me to be patient. It pushes me to listen to myself.

(2) Her book confirms things I value. It conveys the importance of getting many perspectives in order to see the whole picture. My background in history taught me that, too. One perspective is never enough; individual truths overlap and contradict each other and are still truths.

(3) Her book requests that I not use the word "but". To instead use the word "and". I'm trying really hard to follow this one.

Through much soul searching and guidance from Scott's book and others, I have discovered that I want to spend my life making the world a better place. I want to help people find the answers they are seeking. I want to provide people the tools they need to improve their own lives. The real question is "In what way? In what context?"

I have spent most of my life terrified of conflict. I have almost never witnessed an example of conflict handled with positive results. My parents never fought. My sister, free spirit that she is, caused so much conflict and turmoil in my otherwise stable childhood that I subconsciously became a third parent, inadvertently increasing the level of conflict between us. I had no idea how to handle disagreement. I would shut down or remove myself from the room. I would lower my eyes, shrink my body, and back into a corner. You would think I was being threatened with physical pain. I was unprepared for conflict; I didn't know how to react appropriately.

Ironically, I loved to study conflict. Peace and war. History. I think it fascinated me because I knew I was disadvantaged when it came to handling conflict that involved me personally, so I obsessed about conflict that involved other people. I tried to learn from others, to gain from their experiences. Unfortunately, this did not give me any personal experience in handling conflict, so even now, I still need practice.

I did make some progress. I enrolled in conflict mediation training. I looked for ways to make the situations around me better. In several places of employment, I created policies and procedures to promote clear expectations and better communication where such things were lacking. When I participated in meetings as a note-taker, my write-ups included action items that had not been made clear by the meeting participants, encouraging progress before the next meeting so I wouldn't be tempted to throw up my hands in desperation when the exact same things were discussed for the tenth time in a row. While this was an act purely intended only to maintain my personal sanity, it demonstrated to me that guidance was needed and that I might be good at providing it.

At the same time, I still rarely had a conversation that involved bringing disagreement to the fore. I was always diplomatic to the point of being ineffective, so terrified of saying something critical that I ended up avoiding the real issues altogether. The actions I described above were executed in a very passive, e-mail centered environment. I rarely needed to speak to anyone directly about my thoughts, perspective, or disagreement.

Fierce Conversations has helped me see that conflict does not have to be negative. Conflict is an impetus for change. Change is good. The challenge is to actively participate in a conversation that facilitates change by engaging the participants, to present ideas and suggestions and criticism without shutting people down.

In graduate school, I studied Public History, which includes such fields as historic preservation, museum studies, oral history, and archive studies. Its study includes such themes as identity, memory, sense of place, and civic engagement. It essentially teaches the skills needed to present history (often very contentious, emotional, and sensitive topics) to the public in a way that engages them and makes the material relevant to them.

Fierce Conversations are about engaging people the same way, just with potentially different content. My "way" and "context" are in helping people handle conflict more appropriately. I haven't figured out the right career path yet, whether it is public history, human resources, community activism or consulting, but I have faith that when the right opportunity shows up that I will be ready to dive in.

Scott also discusses the idea of "ground truth" in her book. The similarity to my interest in history is clear. Both promote the need to get to the root causes of a situation in order to understand the results and consequences. Finding the ground truth of a situation is necessary to avoid putting out fires (or putting on bandaids) and to discover the true problem that needs to be solved. The skill comes in asking the right questions and truly listening to the answers.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we stop telling people they are wrong and instead find out why they think they are right?

The Adventure

2009-08-26T12:02:00.003-04:00

I'm back from my anti-personality adventure. It was a roller-coaster. I am completely in awe of my sister for handling it so well. It was three days of excitement, fear, tears, decisions, tears, and disappointments. And tears. I'm almost able to say that my trip was "good" when people ask me how it went.

I arrived on Saturday, picked up the rental car, and drove home. On the way, I lightened my purse and my soul by handing an apple to a homeless man on the freeway off ramp. I arrived home to be greeted by my mom, dad, and sister. Somewhat frenzied piling, packing, and planning ensued. We packed the car with most of her stuff and fell into bed.

Sunday morning we left only fifteen minutes later than we had intended with a car full of my sister's life and snacks for the road. The drive was beautiful and relatively uneventful. My sister took lots of pictures along the way. We bonded and gabbed. I felt free and daring and strong. The familiar landscape became unfamiliar.

We arrived safely and checked into our hotel. We visited a prospective room for rent. We decided it wouldn't work. We made a list of more places to visit the next day. We made peanut butter and banana sandwiches for dinner. We slept.

I took her to her first day of work on Monday and returned to the hotel to do more research on rooms for rent. By the time I picked her up in the afternoon, we had a solid list. We went straight to the best looking one and were pleasantly surprised. This was absolutely the one. We let the owner think about it and left to find dinner. The owner called and said it was a yes. We cheered. We called all of the other ones and said "no thanks". We called the owner to see what time we should bring my sister's belongings over. No answer. No return call. No nothing.

It became 8:30 pm. We had no idea what had gone wrong. We had to make a decision. We had to put my sister's stuff somewhere. We put everything back in the car. We drove to the owner's home. It was dark. No one was home. We tried not to cry. We got back in the car. She called a co-worker (whom she had just met that day) and asked if we could put her stuff in their apartment for a week or so. They said yes. We drove to their apartment. We were almost done emptying the car when the owner called. Something awful had happened and she had to delay renting her room for two weeks. At least. We finished emptying the car.

We drove back to the hotel, struck. Now what? We had done everything right. Where would she sleep tomorrow? How would she find somewhere to live without transportation? How long would she be without her stuff? How could I possibly leave her alone the next morning?

We cried. We called our parents. We hugged. We strategized. She could walk to work the next morning. She could throw herself on the mercy of her co-workers. She could couch-surf. She would be fine.

When I got up the next morning to leave for the airport, I was a mess. All night I had dreamed about rooms for rent, phone calls, homeless people. I got dressed and packed my bag. I went to the bed to say goodbye to my sister and I burst into tears. How could I leave her? We had become so close that I felt like I was leaving part of myself. It felt like the hardest thing I had ever done.

She was so strong. She hugged me and said it would be okay. She didn't ask me to stay. I left. I cried in the car. I made it to the airport. I called my mom to check in and I cried some more. I talked to Donald on the phone and cried then too. Then I ate a bagel and texted my sister. She was up and already researching more places to live and sounded positive. I got on the plane and came home.

She texted me last night and said that she had found a good place to sleep for the night and had at least two room options that seemed good. She was fine, maybe more than fine. I tried not to cry with relief.

This trip changed my life. I flew by the seat of my pants for three days and I survived. I had fun! I bonded with my sister in a way I never had before. I will never see her the same way again. I challenged myself to do something new and unknown and it all worked out. I feel strong enough to try it again. I have an increased faith in things working out eventually. I conceded to recognizing that I had a positive role on the situation, even though I don't feel that my objective was met.

I decided that Donald and I must have more than one child because siblings are too wonderful to live life without.

A Different Kind of Waiting

2009-08-24T15:22:00.003-04:00

Donald had a fantastic interview today. He called me sounding very enthusiastic and excited. He even said that he wants to work for this company for any amount of money. They're actually considering him for a position higher than the one they originally had in mind. It was amazing to hear so much happiness in his voice. I wept tears of joy and relief.

I have written about the painful waiting process when an interview is over. This time I am not dreading it. This time I am calmer. This time they have clearly said that it will take about a month to be able to make an offer because of funding availability. This says to me that they want Donald, but it's about money and not him. This is a much more tolerable reason to wait for more information. I hope my sense of calm endures. I will certainly share when we know more.

Thank you for your supportive messages.

Personality Challenge

2009-08-21T08:15:00.003-04:00

I am a plan-a-year-ahead, control-freak, anticipate every contingency kind of person. I like to be organized and I don't fly well by the seat of my pants. I don't like last minute changes. I am not spontaneous.

Despite my inflexible personality, I made an uncharacteristic decision on Wednesday. I was chatting online with my sister when she expressed great anxiety about having to move herself 8 hours from home for a job she had just accepted, by Monday. Yes, this Monday. The idea to fly there and drive her to her new home popped into my head, flowed through my arms, and out my fingers into the ether. She jumped at the offer. My stomach dropped to the floor. What had I just done?

I bought plane tickets two days before flying. We found a hotel room three days before arriving. I was suddenly faced with the reality that I had to pull myself out of my comfortable and familiar routine and put myself on a roller coaster with very little information and no hand brake. I tried not to panic.

I shouldn't complain, really. My sister is the one I could not trade places with. She has no place to stay. She's going to pack up her belongings and arrive in a place where she has never been before, knows no one and has to find somewhere to live and transportation to work before I leave with the rental car on Tuesday morning. I'm really hoping I don't end up leaving her on the side of the road with her belongings piled around her, with no plan in sight.

The only thing that keeps me from backing out is that I trust her to handle that part. She has no problem with couch-surfing and won't actually have that much stuff, so she'll be fine, right?

Besides, I have to go. I have plane tickets. And she's really excited. I can't tell if my stomach is doing back flips out of excitement or out of sheer terror. Donald thinks that my sudden decision is awesome. He knows how hard this is for me and I think it impressed him that it even occurred to me to do something so spontaneous and daring. He loves challenging me and loves it even more when I challenge myself. We are both on a continuous quest to encourage each other to be better people.

My in-laws and coworkers were stunned when I told them I was leaving on the spur of the moment. So were my parents, when I told them that they didn't need to worry about getting my sister to her new place, that I was coming to help. Granted, I live far away and there have been periods of time when I haven't been home for two years or when I only see my family once a year. This year has been different for some reason. Why is it that when we have a lot less money available, we end up traveling more? Travel is not cheap. I guess family is more and more important as things get harder. So we make it happen.

I feel empowered. I feel like I can stretch myself. First, handling raw chicken, and now this? I'm really pushing the things I have control over. Hopefully my personality won't snap under the strain of trying new things. I'm testing my flexibility. I'm putting myself in a new situation to see what happens. I'm preparing myself for many more unknowns in the future. I'm training for whatever comes next. It feels good.

I'll let you know how it goes. I'll try to Tweet some updates. Please keep Donald in your thoughts on Monday for his interview. Maybe everything will be different when I get back.

Painting

2009-08-20T08:37:00.003-04:00

I saw this painting on Bill Guffey's blog site and on his home page and I am touched. I don't want to post a copy of the image here without his permission, so please check it out on one of his sites. It's called Olives.

I get lost in this painting.

My eyes delight in the way the sunlight dances on the blooming trees. I gaze into the depths of the image, trying to see the mountains more clearly. I want to kick off my shoes and saunter barefoot down that dirt road. I want to have a picnic lunch on the soft grass in the shade beneath the trees. I want to head towards those peaks in the distance with nothing but time on my hands. I want to see if the colors on the slopes are wildflowers, and if they are, I want to pick some and put them in my hair. I want to smell the air as I walk down the road, clean and damp. I can already feel the warm breeze tousling my hair.

I am found.

Depression

2009-08-19T13:18:00.004-04:00

Donald has been depressed. I'm not sure how long. It came on gradually, as the stress and frustration and rejection piled on.

Before his depression, Donald tended to procrastinate, but always got things done on time and with quality. He performs well under pressure and putting things off certainly didn't hold him back from success and good grades in college and grad school. When something needed to get done around the house, I didn't usually have to ask him more than once or twice as long as he had a sense of when it needed to be completed.

I probably first started to notice that Donald seemed depressed when I'd come home from work and the shades were still drawn and he hadn't gotten dressed or showered and had spent all day playing video games. The first couple of times it didn't bother me. I've certainly had my lazy days and they can be quite enjoyable once in a while. But it started to turn into a pattern. I'd ask him to take care of things and they wouldn't get done. I started to assume that he wasn't even job searching, that he was doing absolutely nothing to make the situation better. I increased my controlling factor by ten. It backfired. I asked for progress reports daily. I felt like I had become a task master or his parent. Not good.

After we moved in with his parents, I relaxed a bit. I knew his parents would provide some level of motivation simply through the fact that there were three of us now who would ask Donald questions, make suggestions, and otherwise expect progress. Some days were good and some were bad. Some days Donald would hole up in the basement (where our office is) and wouldn't come out all day, content to stay in the dark, solitary coolness. I knew that I needed to be his safe place, his sounding board, and I focused on being available to listen rather than demand results.

I mentioned in passing to his parents several times that Donald was depressed. They were slow to accept it. They thought he was just having a string of bad days. They didn't have the benefit of the observations I had made. They eventually accepted it, especially after Donald sat them down and told them. He asked for help. He found a psychologist that he sees almost weekly.

Lately, he has seemed better from day to day. He has pulled himself out of the darkest places where he used to spend a lot of time. He gets responses from job applications at least once a week. People are interested in him. His spirits are up. But his motivation (beyond applying for jobs and following up, which should be applauded) has not returned. Maybe it is because there are no deadlines, there is no structure in his daily life, and maybe it will improve once he returns to regular employment.

His doctor offered to give him a short-term prescription of anti-depressants to help him get through this rough patch. I don't know what kind or what dose or what the side effects might be. He'll be responsible for finding all of that out and deciding whether it's worth a try. He and I normally are hesitant about any medication and anti-depressants have quite the media coverage. But handled correctly, perhaps this is a tool to help Donald regain the last bit of confidence and give him a boost to remember who he is and that he can surmount any challenge before him.

Members of my family have also dealt with depression, and I believe it runs in my family. I have dealt with it before, but was never really diagnosed. I know that dealing with depression might be something we address for the rest of our lives. I just want to be prepared and informed and open. It's too bad it's such a stigmatized condition.